Fullmetal Lol
by Nimrochan
Summary: Crackfic parody. Ed is constantly drunk, and Al is generally depressed. Yet both persevere in their quest to restore their bodies through the legendary Internet, a mythical power said to hold unimaginable forces. However, a hidden, stupid evil awaits...
1. Taboo

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did…I'd be a cow.

**Author's Note**: (Cause, ya know, Arakawa draws herself as a cow? Get it?) *Ahem* Anyway, I had some trouble finding a long, entertaining FMA crackfic (not that I really tried anyway), thus I decided to create one. Mostly out of boredom.

I'm mainly following the new anime/manga, because that's the one I fell in love with (I happen to have been in Japan when Brotherhood came out, thus it holds many fond memories for me)…However, bear with me because this is all from the top of my head ^_^

Also, Al will be calling Ed "Niisan" instead of "Brother." Just because.

Enjoy~

* * *

**Chapter 1: Taboo**

"Al! Alphonse! Dammit, how could this have happened!...This…this shouldn't have happened…shit…!"

_A painless lesson is one without any meaning._

"…they took it!"

_Nothing can be gained without first sacrificing something of equal value._

_That is the law of equivalent exchange._

…

_It can also be argued to be the law of diet, as choices in food are also full of gains and sacrifices. For example, whenever I want to gain by saving money at Taco Bell, boy do I pay for it later on the toilet -_

*Ahem* MOVING ON-

Four years later, we find our young heroes eating Subways at a kiosk in Liore (well, Al wasn't eating it so much as staring longingly at it. Ed was stuffing his face. The author vaguely wonders which one is the bigger waste of money.)

"And so, my children," said the deep voice on the radio and loudspeakers, resonating through town, "if you confess your sins and pray to the Intergalactic Sun God, you too can go to heaven, where mail comes twice a day, all ice cream is fat-free, and there are Nintendo Wii consoles as far as the eye can see."

Edward took another swig of beer and hiccupped heavily. The old store owner looked at him.

"Are you sure you're old enough to drink?"

"Shut up, ID. You saw my old man."

Al mentally sighed. He really wished Niisan wouldn't use alchemy to transmute fake IDs.

"Who's the old guy on the radio, anyway?"

"Why, that's Father Cornello!"

"Who?"

"He's our savior!" The old man's face lit up when he said this. "Father Cornello, Messenger of the Great Intergalactic Sun God and founder of Scientology!"

"He came to our town and showed us the Path!" said another bystander who was eating Subway. "He can perform miracles!"

"Are you even listening, kid?"

"Wha-?" Ed was not listening. He was busy mentally comparing his own life with Wolverine's. "Oh yeah. Miracles. Awesome." He stood up, swaying a bit. "Well, I'm stuffed. Let's beat it, Al." Al got up only to hit his head at the top of the kiosk, knocking over the radio which smashed on the ground.

"Hey!" the old man was furious. That radio was his only friend.

Al looked at the broken radio, then at the old man, then at Ed, then back at the radio. Then he made a run for it. Ed stood there drunkenly for a moment, then followed suit.

* * *

The Elric brothers eventually made their way to the church where they saw a girl. "Please grant my wish, Intergalactic Sun God," she prayed, kneeling before a statue of what Ed could only describe as "an octopus-cheese-canoe." When she noticed the brothers, she walked over to introduce herself.

The girl's name was Rose. "Edward, huh? I like that name!" she had said upon meeting them. "Are you interested in learning about the noble practice of Scientology? We have an E-meter in the back-"

"N-no thanks…" said Ed. "We're anagrams."

"_Atheists_, Niisan."

"Yeah that."

"Well that's no good!" Rose clapped her hands together. "By believing in the Intergalactic Sun God, you'll live with daily gratitude and hope! Isn't that wonderful?"

"No."

Rose's face fell. Ed sat down and looked up at her. "There's this story about this dude, right…who could fly…but his wings were on fire…" Rose looked more confused than ever.

Ed cleared his throat. "My point is," he said, "alchemists are all sciencey and crap. We don't believe in any gods or deities or space cephalopods and whatnot."

"That's very arrogant of you, Edward! What you are saying is blasphemy!"

Ed laid back in his seat and drunkenly read from his Hello Kitty notebook. "Thirty-five liters of water. Twenty-five kilograms of carbon. Four liters of ammonia. Two liters of diet coke. Half a cup of sugar. And a pair of jeans…and then like, you put it in the oven…"

"…Niisan?"

"Huh? What was I talking about?"

Rose looked down at Ed, her gentle eyes full of pity. "Maybe if you pray to the Intergalactic Sun God," she said, "He can help with your drinking problem."

"Yeah yeah whatever- anyway, I've changed my mind," said Ed. "I want to meet this 'Father Cornsyrup'-"

"Cornello, Niisan."

"Yeah."

"Wonderful!" Rose looked delighted. "Would you like to try our E-meter as well? There's a small fee of only-"

"No," said the two Elric brothers.

* * *

Rose took them to the town plaza, where Father Cornello was performing these "miracles." Right before their eyes, he turned a fork into a Hummer. The crowd went orgasmic.

"Miracles, huh?" said Ed. "You thinking what I'm thinking, Al?"

"Yes, Niisan," said Al. "He's not following the laws of alchemy."

"Bingo," said Ed. "He must be using the Internet!"

"The Internet?" said Rose.

"It's a thing of myths," said Ed, lighting up. "The Internet is a force said to not only amplify alchemic reactions, but to have the power to unite the people of the world, to hold an infinite well of information, and to greatly expand garage sales."

"But if used wrong, it can be devastating," said Al. "It is said that the Internet can suck the life out of people. It can even make them think they're in a dream world."

"Yeah," said Ed. "It also supposedly allows people to take copyrighted stories and defile them through a horrendous practice known as 'fanfiction.'" Ed shuddered. He sincerely hoped that last part was just a rumor.

"So you're saying Father Cornello is using this 'Internet'?" asked Rose.

"Maybe," said Ed, sobering up finally. "So when can we meet him?"

* * *

"You two are lucky," said one of the young priests leading the Elric brothers and Rose to see Father Cornello. "Normally, Father Cornello is far too busy to greet visitors. But considering two nice young boys are here to see him…"

Al suddenly felt thankful he had no body.

"Here we are," they arrived at a cavern, and the priests shut the door behind them, making an eerie echo. Al marveled at how he could feel a shudder run down his armored back.

Without warning, the priests attacked. In a short but totally badass battle sequence which the author is too lazy to write out, the brothers disarmed the priests and knocked them out. There may have been a chimera involved as well, I dunno.

"What the hell was that about?" said Ed.

"I apologize for my priests," said a voice from the back.

"Father Cornello!" said Rose.

Father Cornello creeped out of the shadows, holding a bad-guy cane and looking very sinister indeed.

"Rose, these two are heathens from East City. They wish to destroy our entire Scientology institution!"

"What?" said Rose.

"Well we didn't in the beginning," said Ed, "but now-"

"Shut up, Niisan."

"Rose, this is the Intergalactic Sun God's will. Pick up that gun and shoot them."

"I can't-"

"Do it!"

"But-"

"Don't listen to him, Rose!"

Rose didn't know what to do. She picked up the gun, but gaining the courage to shoot it was entirely something else.

"Rose, allow me to remind you! I am the only one who can bring your beloved to life!" said Father Cornello. A pained expression came onto Rose's face, and the gun in her hands shook. It misfired and hit Al's helmet. As if in slow motion, the helmet flew off, spinning in the air and landing several feet away, revealing an empty interior where there should have been flesh. Rose screamed and collapsed in horror.

Al was annoyed. "Go get it," he told her, pointing at his helmet. But she did not hear him; she was staring at the empty interior.

Father Cornello stood shocked as well. As he stared at Ed's metallic limbs and Al's headless, empty form, comprehension dawned on him.

"I see…" His face twisted itself into a smile. "You did it, didn't you?" Ed said nothing. "_You've committed the taboo!_"

A shadow flitted across Edward's face.

Three years ago, their mother had died of an illness. Their father had left years before, and the two boys were lost and lonely, searching for answers…all they had wanted was to see their mother's smiling face again.

Ed and Al remembered that night like it was yesterday. The anticipation, the preparation, the hope…All the ingredients to make a single human adult measured to perfection and set at the transmutation circle's center.

"Don't worry, Al," Ed reassured his brother as he kneeled beside him. "When we bring Batman to life, he'll have all the answers."

"YOU TRIED BRINGING A FICTIONAL CHARACTER TO LIFE!" Father Cornello's voice rang through the cavern. "DIDN'T YOU?"

Another shadow flitted across Edward's face.

He turned to Rose. "Do you understand now?" he said. "You can't bring fictional characters to life. This is the price we paid."

"Now give us the Internet, Cornello," said Al. "Before we have to hurt you."

"F**k you!" yelled Cornello. He transmuted his cane into a machine gun, and the three of them ran for it.

* * *

Cornello eventually found that Ed had sneaked into his office and was sitting on his desk. Ed was drunk again; "It helps with ideas," he had said to a doubtful Al earlier as he downed some whiskey.

"Get the hell out of my office," said Cornello.

"No."

Cornello aimed the machine gun at Ed.

"C'mon," said Ed. "Gimme the Interweb thing. Or at least tell me why you're telling everyone about the Octo-cheese God and the Wiis and stuff."

"Why? WHY? I'll tell you why before I kill you!" said Cornello, about to violate one of the Top Ten Dos and Don'ts For Villains.

"The money!"

"…huh?"

"I'm doing it for the money!" Cornello's voice went manic. "The more I bulls**t about this Scientology crap, the more money this church gets! And the more money we get, the more we can expand and become famous! Soon we'll get celebrity endorsements and become unstoppable!"

Cornello was now laughing like a crazy person. "AND THEN OPRAH WILL NO LONGER IGNORE MY LETTERS! I'LL FINALLY BE ON HER SHOW! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Ed began to laugh with him.

"What the hell is so funny?"

"Heheh it's just…" Ed wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm like, super good at Photo-transmuting," he said.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"It has to do with this."

Ed took out a large photo and showed it to him.

"WHHHAAAAAAT? WHAT DID YOU DO? DID ANYONE SEE THAT?"

"Oh, not a whole lot of people…just the whole town…"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Cornello took his bad-guy-cane-turned-machine-gun and tried transmuting it into a tank. However, something seemed to be terribly wrong.

Ed watched with drunken fascination as Cornello's arm fused with the machine gun and got all gross and mutilated.

"ARRRRGH" said Cornello, as Ed realized something.

"Wait..." he said. "The Interweb is supposed to be perfect and crap. What the hell?" And out of Cornello's pocket, an iPhone fell out and shattered onto the floor.

* * *

The black-haired woman looked out the window of the tallest tower to observe the riot outside the church.

"WHERE'S FATHER CORNELLO?"

"COME OUT RIGHT NOW! WE SAW THE PICTURES ALL OVER TOWN, STOP HIDING AND SHOW YOURSELF!"

"DID YOU MOLEST THAT POOR BLONDE BOY?"

"My my," said the woman. "That Fullmetal sure caused a lot of trouble," she said, turning to the short, overweight bald man beside her. "What should we do? Dad's gonna be super pissed."

Suddenly, someone burst through the doors.

"THE INTERNET YOU GAVE ME WAS FAKE!" shouted Cornello, cradling his mutated arm.

"It's not our fault if you neglected to charge the thing," said STD, delicately adjusting her gloves. Fat-Ass was surveying Cornello nervously, finger on his lips.

"You used me! You told me that if I did what you said-" Cornello stopped mid-sentence as STD's long, razor-sharp finger penetrated his skull. He collapsed, and she turned to Fat-Ass.

"Eat him."

"Aw, do I have to?"

"We must get rid of the evidence. Otherwise it will stink up the place."

Fat-Ass sighed. His Weight Watchers coach was not going to like this.

* * *

The Elric brothers, pissed that they had followed yet another pointless lead, decided to slip away from town quietly.

But just then, Rose appeared aiming a gun at them.

"Goddammit, why does everybody wanna shoot us?" said Ed.

"This country seriously needs stricter gun laws," said Al.

"Give me the Internet!" demanded Rose.

"Sorry. It was fake," said Ed. "Or at least out of batteries."

"You're lying! You want it to yourself! You want to use it to bring Batman-"

"Shut up!" yelled Ed, the pain of the past echoing in his heart. "You can't bring fictional characters to life! We only want to bring our bodies back!"

Rose collapsed. "What am I supposed to do now? What do I cling to now? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT EDWARD CULLEN?"

Tears were splattering the dusty ground beneath her.

"Please! Tell me!"

"I can't answer that. Think about it on your own," said Ed. "Move on. Stand up and walk forward. You have two fine breasts. Use them."

And with that, the Elric brothers walked into the sunset.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Love it? Hate it? Please let me know!

Constructive criticism listened to!

Flamers yawned at!

Compliments loved!


	2. The Sewing Life Alchemist

**Author's Note:** What constitutes as "fake Internet"? I don't know, so I used a low-battery iPhone instead :P

Anyway, I feel that this chapter is better (although rampantly peppered with stupid). Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Sewing- Life Alchemist**

A walk into the sunset and a train ride later, the Elric brothers found themselves at Eastern Headquarters. Ed was sipping vodka from a flask, while Al walked around looking like a life-sized working Bender robot. Niisan had said it was "to throw off anyone who might be following us." Al made a mental note to wipe off his blood seal later.

"Here we *hic* are," said Ed, standing in front of a door.

"Niisan…that's the utility closet."

* * *

After a few guided prods in the right direction, the two brothers made it to Colonel Mustang's office, where Lieutenant Liza Hawkeye let them in.

"Good to see you two again," she said. "Is that a new look, Alphonse?"

"Yup," said Ed. "He looks totally awesome now, Lt. Pigeonfoot."

"It's Hawkeye, Niisan."

"Shut up, Bender."

The Elric brothers walked in and Hawkeye shut the door behind them. They spotted Colonel Roy Mustang at his desk, pretending to do work by signing a few documents that didn't really need signing.

"Keanu Reeves?" said Ed.

Roy sighed. "Once again, Fullmetal, you are to refer to me as 'Colonel Mustang,' not-" he glanced up from his paperwork and spotted Bender-Al. "Would you please take this meeting seriously and change your brother back?" He shook his head and muttered, "Dumbass…"

Ed changed Al into a filing cabinet.

Roy shrugged. He could use another filing cabinet.

"Anyway, I have someone interesting to introduce to you," Mustang pulled out a file. "His name is Shou Tucker, and he's known as the Sewing-Life Alchemist."

"What does he have to do with us?" asked Ed.

Al lit up at the name. "Hey! Maybe he can help us get our bodies back?"

"What? Oh, no," said Mustang. "No no this has nothing to do with that. Shou Tucker is a volunteer counselor at the East City AA organization. I'm sending you two there so Fullmetal can get help with his drinking problem."

Al's non-existent heart sank.

"I do NOT have a prinking droblem!" slurred Ed.

He promptly vomited.

"You're cleaning that up," said Roy.

**Five minutes later**

"I'll have Havoc take you to Tucker's house," said Roy. "I think it would be good for everyone if you confronted your problem, Fullmetal."

"Pffffffft fine," said Ed. "But only because we have nowhere else to stay tonight."

Al thought back to the warm bed he had at his old house, and his non-existent heart sank even further.

Ed exited, and Al rolled along after him.

Roy sighed. He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms behind his head, and put his feet on his desk.

"So Hawkeye," he said. "I hear you like big guns."

"Sir, do I need to use the water spray again?"

"…I'll be good."

* * *

The Elric brothers arrived at Shou Tucker's house, Havoc leading the way across the front yard to the door. They were a bit late because Havoc had a difficult time putting filing-cabinet-Al inside his car (in the end, deciding to tie him to the top). Also, he had to chase Ed several times because he had tried leaving the car at every red light on the way there.

As they approached the door, Ed heard something large running toward him.

"Eh?"

A huge, white dog landed on his face.

"YYAAAAARGH!" Ed hated dogs. He blamed Den, because that dog had a habit of pissing on him whenever he slept on the floor over at Winry's house as a kid.

"Bad doggie!" said a little girl, running after the dog. "Bad Alexander! No!" She pulled the dog off a disheveled Ed.

"I'm so sorry!" said a man running from behind the house and approaching Ed. "Are you all right?"

"I think it made me pregnant."

Al longed for an arm to hit Ed with.

"Ah, Mr. Tucker," said Havoc. "I believe you spoke with my superior about helping one of his subordinates?"

"Whajoo call me?"

"Ah yes," said Tucker. "Nina, why don't you play in the backyard? Daddy has some work to attend to."

"Okay!"

Nina and Alexander ran off to play, while Havoc left Ed and Al in Tucker's care.

* * *

Ed, Al, and Tucker sat at the dining table so they could talk. Al was finally restored with his normal suit of armor body (except for the "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL" followed by Roy's office number now engraved on his back, unbeknownst to him).

"Now, Edward," said Tucker, "the first step to curing alcoholism is admitting you have a problem. We can't make any progress unless you do that first-"

"-You have like, a really big house," said Ed, staring in wonderment all around him. "Like, really big. Can we look around?"

"Um, yes maybe later, but I really think we should-" Ed and Al got up and proceeded to leave the living room.

* * *

Several hours later, Tucker found them. They had found his extensive manga library.

The two of them sat cross-legged in the midst of numerous piles of manga on the wooden floor, each reading one.

"HAHAHAHA oh Riiko," said Ed, nose-deep in a copy of _Absolute Boyfriend_, "will you ever find love?" Al was reading _Onepiece._ He liked _Onepiece_.

"Boys, really, we need to-"

"Oh yeah, that's right!" said Al. "You have a lab, right? Can we see it?"

"Um…" The brothers got up and immediately began to look for it. Tucker gave up and led them to his lab. "It's not much," he said.

The lab was small and dimly lit. Aligned on the walls were caged experimental animals making all sorts of strange noises, as well as shelves stacked with preserved creatures in jars. Al and Ed looked around curiously. Ed spotted a creature that vaguely resembled the Intergalactic Sun God of Liore, floating around in a jar on a high shelf. Al was staring at a cat with 18 ears on its head and could not decide if it was adorable or unspeakable.

"Hey, what's that?" Ed pointed at something chained to the wall on the other side of the lab across from them.

"That? Oh, it's nothing- just a chimera I'm working on," said Tucker. "Boys, we really should-"

Ed went up close to the chimera. It looked familiar.

It was in the form of a woman. She seemed to be in her forties, was of average height, and had dark hair. She looked like she was in horrific pain.

"Kill me," she said. Ed and Al stared, and very slowly, comprehension dawned on Ed.

"Tucker," he said. "What is she? How did you create her?"

"Oh, she's nobody- just a mix of two people-"

Ed slammed Tucker against the wall. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he yelled. "HOW COULD YOU? JK ROWLING AND _SMEYER_? YOU USED THEM TO CREATE A _CHIMERA_! SACRILEGE!"

"Why are you so mad?" said Tucker, a mad glint in his eye. "As a scientist, you-"

Ed punched him hard in the face, sending his glasses flying.

"YOU'RE PLAYING WITH HUMAN LIVES!"

Tucker looked back at Ed with a rapidly swelling eye. "Me? What about you? What about Bat-" Ed punched him again.

"SHUT UP!" he cried. "I'M NOT LIKE YOU!"

Some more dramatic dialogue and punching ensued, but the author is currently being lazy.

* * *

"If there is such a thing as the work of the devil, then there's no doubt it's what happened in this incident," said Lt. Hawkeye a couple hours later as she and Colonel Mustang descended down the steps from Eastern HQ. It was raining hard, and both of them were on their way to arrest Tucker.

"The devil, huh?" said Roy. "Well, rest assured, Tucker will face a trial for what he did…That poor, poor chimera…" he closed his coat more against the rain and shivered slightly.

Ed, who had tired himself out from beating up Tucker and drinking too much, was passed out on the stairs, a dejected-looking Al sitting next to him. Roy and Liza stepped over Ed and continued to discuss Tucker's case.

* * *

Tucker and the chimera were inside the house, waiting for military officials to take them away. They sat near the window in the middle of the dining room, and the only source of light was the lightning outside. "Why does no one understand?" said Tucker, who was facing the chimera. "Right, Rowyer?" The chimera twitched.

Suddenly, Tucker heard someone walking through the doorway. He turned to see a man slowly materializing out of the darkness in the hallway. He was wearing civilian clothing and sunglasses, and had an unusual mark on his forehead.

"Are you Shou Tucker?" he asked.

Tucker stood up. "Who are you?" he said, alarmed. "You're not from the military, how did you get in? There should have been military guards at the door…"

The mysterious man lifted his right arm and stretched his fingers. "Alchemists who have turned away from the path of the Creator must be annihilated!" He grabbed Tucker's face and sent a wave of destructive alchemy through his body, killing him. He then turned to the chimera.

"It's sad," he said, patting her on the head. "There is no way to restore you from this body. At the very least, rest in peace." And, with a touch of his hand, she lived no more.

* * *

"Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster," said the man minutes later as he exited the house and crossed the front yard, "our glorious Flying Spaghetti Monster who created all in the world. Two souls have just returned by your side. Or is it three? Anyway, please usher them to your great tomato-y bosom and give these pitiful souls peace and salvation."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Alexander ate Nina.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I really couldn't think of a good chimera. I apologize O_o

And just so you know, there will be more Twilight-bashing ahead…Nothing personal, but it's just so delightfully easy to make fun of :D


	3. Broken

**Author's Note:** Boy, a lot of people really liked Ed's last line in Chapter 1 ("You have two fine breasts. Use them.") ^_^

I'm just curious, but did you get that it was a parody of the "You have two fine legs" speech? Or did you all just giggle at the word "breasts"?

XD Moving on…

* * *

**Chapter 3: Broken**

"Batman! Batman!" Edward was running through a field, the sunlight glinting upon the toy he was holding. "BATMAN!"

He caught up to Batman, brooding in the midst of some cornstalks.

"Hey Batman!" he said, panting. "Here's a present!"

Ed excitedly held up the toy he had transmuted earlier.

"Oh, for me?" growled Batman.

"Yup! I transmuted it!"

"That's very good, Edward," he growled. "But…" Batman's face began to distort and melt, "you couldn't make me, could you?"

"AAAAARGH!" Ed abruptly awoke from his nightmare. It took a few seconds for him to remember where he was.

"…It was only a dream," he panted. "Just a dream, Ed, nothing to panic over…"

He wrapped his arms around his knees and put his head down. "I seriously need to quit drinking…otherwise I might really end up making a Jacob toy."

* * *

"There's no doubt about it," said Lt. Col. Hughes, examining the two bodies at Tucker's house. "It was him."

"Who?" asked Roy Mustang as he entered the room, followed by Lt. Hawkeye.

"He's the one going around killing State Alchemists," said Hughes. "He killed the Iron-Blood Alchemist the other day."

"Old man Grahn? You serious?"

"Yeah."

"Who's the killer?"

"We don't know his real name," said Hughes, "but since he has a giant zit on his forehead, we just call him Zit."

"Hm."

"Look," said Hughes, adjusting the glasses on his face, "I'm not just saying this as an officer. I'm saying this as a friend; be careful. The only well-known alchemists in this were you and Tucker."

"What about Mr. Clean?"

"…Is that a serious question?"

* * *

The Elric brothers were sitting at the bottom of the watchtower in the center of town, letting the rain wash over them as they pondered what to do next.

"I can't concentrate. My face is wet," said Ed. "I hate getting wet."

"Niisan…I can't even feel the ra-"

"OOH OOH I KNOW!" exclaimed Ed, standing up and spilling a little beer down his front. "So like, you know how there's this legend about the- what's it called- Philosopher's Stone?"

"…Yeah?"

"It was in those _Harry Potter_ books. It could supposedly amplify alchemy."

"So?"

"So why don't we *hic* bring Nicholas Flamel to life?"

Al mentally sighed and looked down.

"I'm serious," said Ed. "We could do it. I still remember those transmutation circles from the old books-"

"…Niisan, that's what brought us in this situation in the first place."

Ed frowned. "Oh yeah." He sat back down.

The two of them sat for a few minutes, storm clouds rolling overhead and thundering.

"You know," said Ed, "I bet Batman would have answers. If we could just-"

"Niisan. We've been through this. You've been going through the same cycle of dialogue with me for three hours."

"I have?"

"Yes."

"Including the bit about _Harry Potter_?"

"Yes."

"And Batman?"

"Yes. Especially the bit about Batman."

"And the bit about the man with the giant zit on his forehead about to kill us?"

"Ye-what-NIISAN, LOOK OUT!"

Zit missed them both by inches; the base of the watchtower was in shambles.

"WHAT THE F-!" the Elric brothers ran for their lives as Zit pursued them.

"What's going on? Why is he chasing us, Niisan?" said Al, his armor clanking loudly as he ran through the cobbled street.

"I don't know!" said Ed, running and panting. "Maybe he's one of the guys you've been stealing cats from?"

"I told you, those were stray cats-"

"What about that crazy cat lady that chased us for two hours? Remember that?"

Behind them, Zit was chasing them, exploding things in his way and leaving ruins behind him.

"Okay that was like one time! And besides, how many times have you gotten us chased for stealing alcohol-"

"OOH OOH let's go into that alleyway, Al!"

"What?"

"Yeah! Let's do it!"

"Niisan, he's getting closer, I don't think we should-"

"Just trust me on this one!" Ed turned left and led them both into the alleyway, where they faced a dead end in the form of a brick wall. They turned to leave only to see Zit blocking their way out.

"Oh crap, that's right," said Ed, realization dawning upon him. "Batman can't rescue us from this alleyway because he doesn't exist."

"DAMMIT, NIISAN!"

"What? It's not my fault you listen to me when I'm drunk! You should've learned by now-"

"I hate you so much right now!"

As Zit approached the two brothers, it became apparent that there was no way to avoid a fight. Ed broke a nearby pipe and transmuted it into a dagger, and the both of them braced themselves.

Zit launched himself at them. Ed dodged as Al threw a punch at Zit but missed; Zit used this chance to blow a huge hole in the side of Al's armor. Splintered wood and metal showered the cobbled street beneath him; beer cans and bottles came crashing down as well. And so did several Twinkies.

"NIISAN, WHAT THE HELL?" cried Al. "YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING BEER AND TWINKIES IN ME?"

"WELL WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, CARRY THEM?" Ed aimed an angry slash at Zit which he darted; he knocked the dagger out of Ed's arm and grabbed it, blowing it to pieces and knocking him off balance. Ed was sprawled on the ground, Zit hovering over him.

"Crap," said Ed.

"Double crap," said Al.

Zit moved closer to Ed. "Are you State Alchemist Edward Elric?"

"Yeah?"

The rain grew heavier. Zit stretched his right hand and said, "You have strayed from the path of the Creator. I will give you time to pray before I pass judgment upon you."

There was no way out of it; Ed's arm was destroyed, he couldn't use alchemy anymore, and he could not bring himself to run away and leave Al.

"I have no one to pray to," he said. "But tell me, you're only after me, right? My little brother Al…You won't kill him too, will you?"

"If there are obstacles I will remove them. But for now, the only one I have business with is the Fullmetal Alchemist…Only you."

"Really? Then promise me…that you won't touch my little bro- WHAT THE HELL, AL? WHY ARE YOU CRAWLING AWAY?"

"I'm trying to save myself!"

"You bastard!"

Zit reached for Ed's head. His hand was inches from it when, out of nowhere, a gunshot sounded.

"That's far enough, Zit!"

The three of them looked up to see they were surrounded by military officers, Mustang in the lead.

"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard," he said. He turned to Hawkeye, who was standing next to him, and said, "I'm thinking of making that my new catchphrase, what do you think?"

Liza died a little inside.

"Roy Mustang," repeated Zit. "The Flame Alchemist…What a fortunate day. The Flying Spaghetti Monster has put you on my path so that you may receive judgment by my hand." He flexed his hand and started walking towards the colonel.

"How interesting," said Mustang, pulling on his special glove.

Liza suddenly looked alarmed. "Um, Colonel-"

"You know that I am the Flame Alchemist, yet you dare fight me?" He started to walk towards Zit as well.

"Colonel!"

About a foot away from Zit, Mustang snapped his fingers dramatically…and nothing happened.

At that same moment, Liza tripped the Colonel to get him out of harm's way, firing at Zit, who dodged her bullets like some mega awesome monkey ninja.

"Lieutenant, what the hell-"

"Sir, you put your biker glove on by mistake again."

"What?" Mustang looked down at his right hand. "Huh. I really should stop putting it in the same pocket as my ignition-cloth glove."

Liza resisted the temptation to slap Mustang. He didn't even own a motorbike.

In the meantime, Zit had managed to blow a huge hole in the ground and escape through the sewers. No one really cared to chase him.

* * *

The Elric brothers sat in Mustang's office in pieces. Al was in such bad shape they had to put him in an old wooden box marked "GOAT CHEESE," because everyone was too lazy to get him a proper container. Ed had his automail arm stored in his suitcase, and was stuffing his face with the Twinkies he had salvaged from earlier. Roy was discussing the problem of Scar with his subordinates.

"He probably wants revenge," said Liza.

"Who was he, anyway?" asked Fuery.

"An Ishbalan," said Roy. "They were a race of people who, due to the harshness of their country's climate and landscape, were heavily religious."

"They practiced a religion known as Pastafarianism, I believe," said Hughes.

"Any form of alchemy was seen as an affront to their god, the Flying Spaghetti Monster," said Havoc.

"And it was because of these religious and cultural differences that civil war broke out after Ishbal was annexed," continued Roy, pacing. "After seven years of riots and fighting, the Fuhrer ordered an extermination campaign against them." He sighed and sat down. "You can't really blame Zit for wanting revenge."

"Pffffffft," said Ed. "That's no excuse to set our house on fire."

"Niisan…that was you…You were celebrating becoming a State Alchemist, remember?"

"Well anyway," said Hughes, "what are you going to do now, Elrics?"

"I guess we're gonna go visit our mechanic, Winry," said Al. "Right, Niisan?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You will need an escort, of course," said Roy.

"What? Why?" asked Ed.

"C'mon, Niisan, it's because we're in such bad shape."

"Precisely," said Roy. "If you two die, that means a lot of paperwork for Lt. Hawkeye."

"Sir, it's not my job to-"

"Anyway, I've summoned you an escort in case Zit shows up again," said Roy.

"Why can't any of your staff escort us?" asked Ed. "Or you?"

"I can't," said Roy. "I have work to do here at HQ."

"And I have to make sure he does it," said Liza.

"And I gotta get back to Central," said Hughes.

"And I have menstrual cramps," said Havoc.

"Same as what he said!" said Fuery, Falman, and Breda.

"Urgh," said Ed. "Who's our escort then?"

At that moment, the escort burst inside, tearing the door at its hinges. He towered over them all in his sparkly glory.

"MAJOR ALEXANDER LOUIS ARMSTRONG, AT YOUR SERVICE, SIR."

"Why are you yelling?" asked Roy.

"IT'S THE STEROIDS, SIR. THEY MAKE ME VERY ANGRY."

"I see. Are those breasts?"

"YES. THESE BREASTS HAVE BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY LINE FOR GENERA-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, can you escort the Elrics to their mechanic? I don't want to take any chances with Zit running around."

Behind him, Ed vomited the Twinkies all over his office floor.

"I WOULD BE HONORED TO ESCORT THE YOUNG STATE ALCHEMIST AND HIS BROTHER, SIR."

"Good. Try to catch the next train to Risembool ASAP. And be careful."

Armstrong lifted Al-in-a-box on his shoulder, blasted a hole through the wall next to the doorway, and left. Ed stepped through the hole to follow him, clutching his stomach in nausea. The rest of Roy's subordinates followed suit, leaving Roy alone.

He looked around sadly at his office. His carpet was barely visible under the door, rubble, and vomit. He sighed and sat down at his desk…

Between subordinates abusing alcohol and steroids, he decided to do some research on property damage insurance. And by do some research he meant make Hawkeye do it.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Why yes, I am suggesting that Mr. Clean is an alchemist. What of it?

Also, an interesting note regarding Roy; I racked my brains to find his tick or his quirk or whatever it was that would make him extremely OOC in this fic. I thought of everything from making him super anal retentive to giving him an unhealthy metal fetish. But then I thought…he shouldn't be _that_ OOC; the Elrics (and several others) are already plenty OOC. So Roy is…Roy. Only slightly more insane ^_^

(And I use the term "slightly" loosely.)

Please share your thoughts!


	4. Marcoh

**Author's Note:** I. Love. Batman.

* * *

**Chapter 4: Marcoh **

"My children," Father Cornello's powerful voice fueled the rage his fervent followers at the town plaza. "The heathens have tried to soil our noble religion of Scientology with their false accusations and heresy!" he yelled.

The sun was almost done setting, and all over the plaza the Scientologists waved their torches and brandished their pitchforks in a frenzy.

"LIAR!" screamed some one from nearby. The Scientologists were surrounded by the other townspeople, those who refused to believe Father Cornello.

"He's a false prophet!" another one screamed. "And a child molester!"

"Blasphemers!" yelled one of the followers. "Infidels! You bastards broke our E-meters!"

Enraged, both sides charged at each other, spilling blood left and right. Father Cornello slipped away, smiling.

* * *

"Silly humans," said STD sardonically, looking out the tower window from her usual spot. "They really are foolish. A few lies here and there and they fight just like animals…They never learn. It makes you wonder how they ever survive, doesn't it Fat-Ass?"

Fat-Ass wasn't listening. He was counting calories. "How many calories do you think that small child I ate earlier had?" he asked.

"How should I know?" replied STD, as Father Cornello walked in.

"Whew! Nothing like a good day of starting violence!" he said.

"Urgh, do you have to stay in that form, Spam?" asked STD. "It's totally gross."

"Heheh, how about something a bit younger and cuter?" he replied. And with that he changed into the long-haired, skimpily-clad, midriff-baring figure that, for so many years, the readers of this story had believed to be female. It has led to much sexual confusion throughout many an adolescent life.

"M-monster!" The three of them turned around to see one of the lower priests. He must have followed Spam into the room.

"Urgh, great," said Spam. "A witness. Go eat him, Fat-Ass."

"But I'm already over today's 25 points-"

"Fat-Ass, I swear to God-"

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY FAT?"

"Just become bulimic already and stop pissing us off-"

The three of them proceeded to argue, and the priest managed to escape only to die of swine flu later.

* * *

"…AND THAT NIGHT I FINALLY GOT MY PERIOD," said Armstrong, the train moving through patches of forests and fields of green. Ed winced; all that yelling was not helping with his hangover. He was squeezed between Armstrong and the window, forced to listen to every word. Al-in-a-box was in the back with the rest of the train's luggage, spared from Armstrong's gratuitous stories.

"MY PARENTS WERE SO PROUD," he continued. "SO EDWARD, WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS RISEMBOOL?"

"I dunno, it's a giant farm," said Ed.

"THE WAR IN THE EAST MUST'VE AFFECTED YOUR VILLAGE QUITE HARSHLY."

"Yeah, it has," said Ed. "It's missing a lot of what big cities have. Like, we can't import Shake Weights anymore."

In the luggage cart, Al felt a very strong urge to kick Niisan.

The next hour or so passed in silence. The train made a stop at a small town that was still two hours from Risembool, and Ed was counting to the minute when he could sneak away from Armstrong so he could drink again in secret ("MINORS SHOULD NOT CONSUME ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES," said Armstrong earlier, taking away Ed's beer and whiskey).

Out of nowhere, Armstrong crushed Ed to get a closer look out the window.

"DR. MARCOH?" boomed the Major. A man who had been walking nearby had stopped and turned around. The look on his face went from confusion to horror.

"DR. MARCOH! IT'S ME! ALEXANDER LOUIS ARMSTRONG!" The man ran for it. Armstrong moved away from the window, allowing Ed to finally breathe again.

"Who was that guy?" asked Ed, massaging his ribs.

"DR. MARCOH. HE WAS A MEDICAL RESEARCHER FOR THE MILITARY DURING THE WAR, BUT HE HAD TAKEN SOME RESEARCH AND DISAPPEARED."

"I see…let's follow him."

"BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR MECHANIC IN RISEMBOOL?"

"It can wait," said Ed, that determined glint in his eye. He left the train and Armstrong followed suit. "If he is who you say he is, he might be able to help Al and I return to our bodies." Ed and Armstrong ran up the narrow street to follow Dr. Marcoh.

They left Al on the train.

* * *

They found Dr. Marcoh's residence on the second floor of a building, right above a Subway restaurant. They climbed up the steps tentatively, and Ed knocked on the door once he reached it. As the door opened, Ed found himself staring down the barrel of a hand pistol.

"GYAAAHHH!" With lightening reflexes, he dodged the bullet Marcoh fired.

"I'M NOT INTERESTED IN BUYING ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SELL!" screamed Marcoh.

"DR. MARCOH," said Armstrong, "PLEASE CALM DOWN-"

"I ALREADY HAVE THREE VACUUM CLEANERS!" he cried. "I DON'T EVEN HAVE CARPET!"

"THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL, WE'RE HERE TO-"

"PLEASE! I CAN'T AFFORD TO MAX OUT MY CREDIT CARD-"

Armstrong responded by throwing a large, heavy object in Marcoh's face, which evidently worked because the three of them are seen talking calmly at a table in the next panel.

* * *

"…I couldn't do it anymore," said Dr. Marcoh. "Even though it was an order from above, to be made to dirty my hands on it, I…" Marcoh looked down at his shaking, folded hands. "And then it was used at the East area civil war as a tool for mass murder. It was truly horrible, so many innocent bystanders died…I can never atone for what I had done."

"JUST WHAT DID YOU RESEARCH AND WHAT DID YOU ESCAPE WITH?" asked Armstrong.

Dr. Marcoh lifted his head slowly and looked at them both. "I made the Internet."

Armstrong and Ed gasped dramatically.

"I have the research for it, as well as a sample," said Marcoh. He got up to retrieve something from the dresser behind him. "It's in a container called a Blackberry."

He put it on the table. Ed poked it tentatively. "But I thought the Internet was an intangible energy? What is this?"

"The Internet comes in many forms," said Marcoh. "Blackberries, iPhones, PCs, Macbooks…those really cool Japanese keitai…"

Ed marveled at how such a small object could hold such a great power.

"However, they remained experimental creations up until the end," continued Marcoh. "Imperfect objects that eventually reach their limits and become unstable." He paused. "Or they run out of batteries. Or they simply crash due to crappy service."

Ed thought back to Father Cornello…

"The power of the Internet was horrendous," Marcoh shuddered. "I will never look at girls with cups the same way again…" Ed and Armstrong looked at each other questioningly.

"Hold on," said Ed. "If you made the Internet, even though it was imperfect, couldn't further research perfect it? Can I see your research notes?"

"Absolutely not!"

"But why?"

"It is the Devil's research! Why would you want it?"

Ed hesitated, then told him everything about himself and Al…about their father leaving, their mother dying, Batman, Al needing a new body after the failed transmutation…

"…and I need to restore my arm and leg, too. And possibly my liver," he added.

"Dear me, it took your liver as well?"

Ed scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, sure, why not."

"I see," said Marcoh. "So you've committed the ban, and now you seek answers within the military. I'm sorry, Edward Elric. I can't help you. Just forget you ever met me."

"But-"

"If you see this research, Edward, you will see the very face of hell!"

Ed got up and slammed his fist on the table. "If you're talking about hell, then I saw it a long time ago!"

Marcoh frowned and closed his eyes. He thought of what Ed had been through and felt a deep pity for him. Ed, of course, was actually referring to Conan O'Brien's show being cancelled.

* * *

"IS THIS FINE WITH YOU?" asked Armstrong, about fifteen minutes later. The two of them had left Marcoh's place in disappointment, and they were waiting for a train to Risembool.

"What do you mean?"

"WHILE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE THE FILES, YOU COULD HAVE EASILY TAKEN THE BLACKBERRY BY FORCE."

"…shit."

Just then, Ed heard someone call his name; Dr. Marcoh came running towards him, carrying a piece of paper.

"This is where my research is hidden," he said, handing it to him. "Look at this if you won't regret knowing the truth. Perhaps you will be able to see the truth behind the truth."

Ed unfolded it. "Um, Dr. Marcoh…this is a receipt for Oxyclean."

"Oh, oops." Marcoh pulled out another paper from his pocket. "Here it is."

* * *

Dr. Marcoh returned to his apartment, wondering if it was responsible to give such dangerous information to an alcoholic minor.

He opened the door. There was someone in his apartment.

"Hello, Dr. Marcoh."

"You!"

STD sat at his desk, leaning on her arm with her legs crossed. She chuckled.

"I told you, until I see a paternity test I am not giving you a penny-"

"No, you idiot. I'm one of the Homunculi. My name is STD."

"Crap."

"You'd better tell me what you told that Fullmetal brat," she said. "While the research on the Internet hasn't stopped, we can't have him sniffing around."

"You're still researching that horrible thing-"

"Tell me where the files are hidden." Her voice was velvety calm yet subtly intimidating, like a shark in a bathtub. (Author to self: "What?")

STD got up and smiled sadistically at him. "Tell me or else I'll infect this whole town with Chlamydia."

Dr. Marcoh had no choice but to tell her.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Al ended up in Rush Valley, and was halfway through being melted down for scrap metal before the missing luggage report came through.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Notice something about the Homunculi? :D

I'm trying to name them after modern-day sins/bad stuff. Envy was gonna be "ID Thief" because that was more appropriate considering his power, but "Spam" just sounds funnier.

**ALSO IMPORTANT:** Is it me, or do the title and summary suck? I feel like they suck. Any suggestions? They would be much appreciated ^_^


	5. The Mechanic

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the reviews so far! Keep 'em coming! ^_^

Anyway, this chapter was a b***h to write, since nothing really happens in Risembool. I even went as far as scrapping the first two drafts. So yeah, appreciate it! XP

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Mechanic **

"Why is this hill so *hic* effing big?"

Ed was climbing the sloping, grassy hill that led up to the Rockbell house. Armstrong followed, carrying the half-blown up, half-melted Al-in-a-box.

"Niisan, you transmuted it that way, remember?" said Al. "You wanted a hill to push me down when we were little."

"Oh yeah…"

"Anyway, would it really have been such a big deal to get me off the train first?" said Al, voicing his feelings from earlier.

"Yep," said Ed."It would've been very rude to hold up the rest of the travelers on the train."

"WE APOLOGIZE, ALPHONSE ELRIC," said Armstrong. "IT WAS A MOMENTARY LAPSE IN JUDGMENT ON OUR PART."

"Is it me, or did you get bigger since the last chapter?" said Ed, looking up at him.

"IT'S THE STEROIDS," said Armstrong. "THEY DO THAT."

"Huh," said Ed. "You think you could maybe, I dunno, give me some? I'm kinda short for someone my age-"

"DO YOU WANT BREASTS, EDWARD?"

"Yeah ok never mind."

The crisp wind blew in Ed's and Armstrong's faces as the Rockbell house came into view. Al noticed the crispy wind and, again, felt envious of Niisan for only losing two limbs.

They made it to the house when a short, elderly woman with a pipe went out to greet them.

"Ah, Nancy, it's you. Where's your Meals on Wheels truck?"

"Um, no Grandma Pinako, it's Edward, remember?"

"Who?"

"Edward. Edward Elric."

"Didn't you die?"

"No, Grandma Pinako. That was my mom, Trisha Elric."

"Trisha is such a pretty name. Did you know this whole area was once an orange orchard?"

Ed sighed. Grandma Pinako was even more forgetful than he remembered. She must've forgotten the pills again.

"Where's Winry?" he asked.

"Winry? Why, she's in her crib, she's so precious…Are you here to give me a sponge bath?"

"Never mind, let's just go in." Ed gestured for Armstrong to follow him. He was halfway up the stairs to the porch when something hit him on the head and he doubled over in pain. Armstrong bent down and picked up what was thrown at Ed. It was a wine bottle.

"You bastard!" slurred a disheveled blond girl from the second-floor balcony. "You told me you were going fishing! You've been gone for three years!"

"Niisan, did you tell her we were going fishing?"

"Maybe," said Ed, massaging his head.

"Why would you tell her that, Niisan?"

"Because I still owe her money for the automail limbs!" he hissed.

"Damn *hic* straight you do!" yelled Winry.

"IS DRINKING AMONGST MINORS COMMON HERE IN RISEMBOOL?" Armstrong asked Al.

"No, I think the author's just being lazy again," replied Al.

"You know, I used to live in a microwave," said Pinako.

* * *

"How the hell did you *hic* break the automail I made for you?" said Winry, nearly in tears when she held the pieces of her prized automail in her gloved hands.

"Al sat on it."

"Niisan!"

"IT WAS DESTROYED DURING A BAT-"

Ed gave Armstrong the don't-tell-her-or-she'll-kill-me look.

"I MEAN, ER, ALPHONSE SAT ON IT."

"I owe you one, Al," whispered Ed.

"Well, the rush job will cost you extra," said Winry as she looked through the cupboard for new parts. "It's on top of the interest for that last unpaid bill."

"Just charge it to Colonel Mustang's office," said Ed, handing her a card, which she pocketed. "Anyway, it should take about a week, right?"

"Who do you *hic* think I am?" said Winry. "Three days!" she said, holding up seven fingers.

"Niisan, you should know better than to challenge her-"

"I know, I know, Al," said Ed, as the both of them recalled that faithful day from their youth. Ed had challenged Winry to prove her bravery and…well, long story short, it turned out Al was allergic to bees. "This time you don't have a body, Al. So don't worry, she can't hurt you," said Ed.

Al looked down at his mutilated form. Somehow he doubted that.

* * *

"Three days, huh?" Ed and Al sat outside the Rockbell house amongst the chickens, Den gnawing on a chew toy. "Urgh, nothing to do…"

"It'll be nice to relax for a few days," said Al.

"Yeah but I hate breaks."

"What are you gonna do, Niisan?"

"Well," he said, standing up. "I could go visit Mom's grave, but I'd rather go to the arcade."

"…"

"See ya, Al." Ed left.

Al looked at Den, who stopped chewing on the toy and was staring at Al.

"Well Den," said Al. "I guess it's just you and me."

Den peed on him.

He then proceeded to follow Ed.

"I hate everything," said Al.

* * *

"I'M DONE CHOPPING FIREWOOD, MRS. ROCKBELL," boomed Armstrong.

"Who are you?" asked Pinako. "Why are you in my house? Are you here to rob me? That's very exciting."

"RIGHT."

"I'm sorry, it's taking a while for the pills to take effect."

"THAT'S FINE. WHERE IS EDWARD?"

"Somewhere." Pinako sighed worriedly. "Mr. Armstrong, what sort of lives are those boys leading?"

Armstrong looked at her. She tapped her pipe to empty it, and was looking at it as though she weren't really seeing it. "They never write or phone," she said, "but come here after three years, all in pieces and needing to be fixed…those ungrateful little shits…"

"THEY ARE SOLDIERS WORKING FOR THE PEOPLE OF AMESTRIS," said Armstrong. "THEY ARE KNOWN EVEN IN CENTRAL FOR THEIR HEROIC DEEDS. EDWARD IS ESPECIALLY TALKED ABOUT FOR HIS ALCHEMIC ABILITIES."

"Fifteen and still not married…" Pinako sighed again. She was a traditional woman indeed. "Anyway, I should probably cook. Do you want anything?"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY STEROIDS?"

"Er…no, but I have those Flinstone's vitamin supplement gummies."

"THOSE'LL DO."

* * *

"IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS, EDWARD," said Armstrong. "ARE YOU EXCITED TO GET TO CENTRAL?"

"You bet!" said Ed. He, Armstrong, Al, and Pinako had just finished eating dinner. All of them had barely seen Winry due to her all-nighters working on Ed's arm. "And we'll be one step closer to recovering our bodies! Right, Al?" said Ed.

"Right!" said Al, feeling lifted for the first time in weeks.

"I think I wet myself," said Pinako.

"I've finished, Ed!" chimed Winry, stumbling into the room and carrying something. "Now, be careful with it! I figured you'd skip out on the daily maintenance, since you're just like that, so I've reinforced the steel with a higher chrome ratio for rust resistance. In exchange, it's strength was reduced so BE CAREFUL with it, ok?"

"…" said everyone.

"What?" said Winry.

"Winry, I didn't ask you to make me a toaster."

"…You didn't?"

"No."

She frowned slightly and stared at him, as though just realizing something. "Hey, *hic* what happened to your arm, Ed?"

Ed face-palmed.

* * *

With yet another three days to wait, Armstrong could be seen in the backyard of the Rockbell house, regaling the two boys with tales of his youth. Al would have given anything to have the use of two working legs. Ed drank a lot earlier in hopes that he wouldn't remember any of it.

"AND WITH THAT, I LEARNED THAT NOT ALL FUNNELS FIT THE SAME."

Ed almost retched. Al almost retched too, somehow.

"NOW, DID I EVER TELL YOU BOYS ABOUT MY JOB AS A NUDE MODEL?"

Ed was almost at the critical vomit-point when they were rescued by Winry.

"Yosh! I've finished, Ed!" She ran out of the house, fortunately carrying Ed's brand-new automail arm. "Three all-nighters and not a drop of alcohol! You really owe me for this, Ed!"

Ed stared.

"What is it, Ed?" She tilted her head, wondering what was wrong. "You wanted me to make an arm, you had me write it down on post-its and everything! Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Winry…you made a left arm…"

She looked down, looked at Ed's form, looked down again, then smiled awkwardly and scratched the back of her head. "Woops! Heheh, gimmie another three days!" and she turned around, long hair whipping a fuming Ed in the face.

"Pffffft I'm not that bad when I'm drunk!" he exclaimed, turning to Al and Armstrong. "Right, guys?"

They stared at him.

"YOU DO REALIZE YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS, EDWARD, DO YOU NOT?"

Ed looked down. He frowned. "That's funny, I was sure I put some on today. Where did they go?"

Inside, Pinako wrapped his pants around the microwave to keep it from getting cold.

* * *

They waited yet another three days. On the last day, Ed was so bored that decided he would go ahead and visit his mother's grave. He left Al in the backyard again, Den vigorously humping him.

"Den, get off!" Al swatted the dog away angrily. "Honestly, this is why I prefer cats…" Somewhere in East City, a stray cat he had once rescued from the street tripped its owner down the stairs.

* * *

Ed came back after visiting his mother's grave. Al immediately noticed that there was something humble about his demeanor. He dropped down next to Al and began to fiddle with a long piece of grass.

"Niisan?"

Ed sighed. "Al, visiting Mom's grave…it made me think a bit."

"…Did it?"

"Yeah. About us, about our journey…I'm sorry I get drunk all the time Al," said Ed, looking at the sun setting in the horizon in front of them. "It's just hard, you know."

Al, moved by this sudden confession, nodded his head ever so slightly.

"Things will get better, Al. I can feel it."

Just then, Winry shuffled out of the house, black circles under her puffy eyes, her hair a matted mess, and her shirt hanging off her shoulder. Exhausted and sober, she held up a shiny, right automail arm.

"Awesome! You finally got it right!"

She mumbled incoherently as she attached it to its lock on his shoulder. Ed winced as the nerves connected, but then smiled.

"Okay, Al! Let's get you fixed!"

Al braced himself; he fully expected Niisan to turn him into a toilet or a shopping cart or something, but instead he found himself in his normal armored suit body.

* * *

"Yosh! Let's do it, Al!" said Ed about an hour later as they were all getting ready to leave, throwing on his trademark red coat that he totally didn't steal from Alucard, Vincent, Lloyd, Edgeworth, and Vash the Stampede. "I bet we'll finally find some answers in Marcoh's research notes!" said Ed.

"You think so?" asked Al.

"We'll do it, Al!" said Ed, fire in his eyes. "As soon as we reach Central and read those notes, we'll get our bodies back in no time! I promise!"

* * *

"So let me get this straight," said Colonel Roy Mustang, two days later, "you go all the way to Risembool to get your arm fixed, find out about some research notes, pay extra for a rush job on that arm, travel to Central, get piss drunk, and set the 1st Branch of the National Central Library on fire?"

It was a bright and sunny day, and the two of them plus Al stood amongst the charred, smoking remains of hundreds of years of Amestris records and research. Al, devastated that their one possible true lead at recovering their bodies was now burned away, took off his helmet and desperately tried to rub off his blood seal with his untied loincloth. His arms were too short and thick to reach it.

Ed looked up drunkenly at Roy. "Has anyone ever *hic* told you that you look like Sasuke and Link's lovechild?"

Roy slapped the back of Ed's head.

"OW!"

"Are you some kind of idiot?"

"Shut up! You set shit on fire all the time!"

"THAT ISN'T THE SAME!"

"Look, don't worry about it, okay? Just *hic* charge it to Colonel Mustang's office," said Ed, handing him a card.

Roy sighed, closed his eyes, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Clearly Ed was too drunk to be dealt with right now. "Well at least we have everything backed up on CDs," said Roy.

* * *

**Author's Note: **HAHAHAHA I FOOLED YOU ALL INTO THINKING THERE'D BE FLUFF IN THIS FIC.

THERE WON'T.

(PS- How 'bout the ending to the manga? XD I'm gonna miss reading it every month, alas…)


	6. The Internet

**Author's Note:**Alphonse is actually my favorite FMA character ^3^

I have no idea why I torment him so…

Anyway, sorry for the late chapter! Work and research papers and all…

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Internet**

STD and Fat-Ass sat atop a roof, observing the smoldering scene below them. As they watched, Roy smacked the back of Ed's head, and then Ed handed him a card.

"Looks like the Fullmetal brat did the work for us," said STD. Fat-Ass was chewing on a piece of celery, the hunger pains on the brink of unbearable.

"Has Zit shown up yet?" asked STD.

"No," said Fat-Ass, pausing his eating for a bit to look at her. "Do you think this black leotard makes me look fat?"

"Fat-Ass, we need to talk about your eating problems," said STD. "Dad _designed_ you to be overweight, I don't think this diet is help-"

"Coach says _I'm_ in control!" said Fat-Ass. "I didn't choose my body, but I can choose to eat better!"

STD sighed. She stared off into the horizon and vaguely wondered if Spam was slipping him estrogen pills again.

A few minutes passed, the silent air penetrated by the crunchy sound of celery death. Then, Fat-Ass stopped eating and looked up. "I think I can smell that Ishbalan," he said, sniffing the air.

"Good." STD got up from the ledge she was sitting on. "Let's take care of him before he turns any more of our precious sacrifice candidates into sidewalk art."

* * *

Zit wandered through the sewers, frowning. "How did I get in these sewers?"

Just then, he heard movement behind him.

"Who's there?" he said, turning around to look for the source of the sound.

"No one," said Fat-Ass, who was hiding around the corner.

"Idiot," said STD, who was standing near him.

Zit slammed his hand against the sewer wall and sent an explosion their way. They jumped out just in time and charged at him.

"Bite him, Fat-Ass!"

Fat-Ass hesitated, and Zit took the chance to blow up his side.

"IDIOT!" STD launched at Zit instead. _Never send a man to do a woman's job_, she thought as she extended her blade-like fingers and let a smirk play upon her lips.

She tripped on her 8-inch heels and fell flat on her face.

Zit, who was very excitable, most unwisely tried exploding the wall again to crush them but ended up blasting the whole sewer on top of them.

* * *

Second Lieutenant Maria Ross and Sergeant Denny Brosh stood outside a study room door at the Central Library, waiting for the Elric brothers to finish deciphering Dr. Marcoh's research notes on the Internet, which were disguised as recipes.

Since Zit was supposedly still at large, they were ordered to protect the brothers. The two officers weren't too fond of their babysi- er, escort job. In the few days they had been escorting the brothers, Ed had already played a cruel joke on them by transmuting his dinner and some spare clothes into what looked like an exploded version of himself and leaving it in the center of his room at the inn. Later, he threw up in their car.

_They'll arrest Zit soon, I'm sure of it_, thought Maria Ross. _That or he successfully kills Ed. Either way this can't be forever._

* * *

"No, no, no, no, NO." said Ed, banging _Ancient Alchemic Runes for Dummies_ against his forehead. They had been at it for a week and were more clueless now than when they began. He then let his head rest against a small area of clear desk.

The rather large desk that the two brothers were sitting at was laden with a hundred or so books- books of many colors, some shiny, some leather-bound, some so old they had no covers, some thin as notebooks, some thick as a car tire, and all without a single picture.

"Niisan, when we dropped out of school to go on this journey to get our bodies back, you said we wouldn't have to study anymore," said Al. "You promised me an adventure. I don't like studying. Make it go away."

"I'm trying Al, I'm trying, but this isn't making any sense," said Ed, lifting up his head and grabbing some of the notes he took.

"Like this- what the hell does 'lol' mean?"

"I don't know, but it must have _something_to do with the Internet, Marcoh wrote it all over his research notes-"

"And this, what is this- '_The Tale of a Walrus and His Bukkit-'_ it's all gibberish!"

"Maybe we did something wrong?"

Ed sighed and rubbed his temples. "Let me think, let me think…" He really wished he had Batman's investigative skills.

"Hey why don't we-"

"We're not bringing Batman to life again. Stop suggesting it."

"Okay, okay…" Ed crossed his arms and thought some more.

"Why don't we just ask Dr. Marcoh himself?" asked Al.

"Pfffft no way! That'd be admitting defeat!"

"Why are they written like this anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, like, the recipes. Why go through the trouble?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Ed puffed out his chest. "Us State Alchemists are very protective of our work," he said. "We write our research in codes to prevent just anyone from looking at them. Take me, for example. I write my research notes in Pig Latin."

"What research notes?"

Ed's chest deflated like that one time STD hugged a porcupine. "Never mind. Let's just keep going…we still have a lot more to decipher in these recipes, I'm sure it'll all connect somehow."

"All right, Niisan."

* * *

Three days went by. It was uneventful for the most part, except for Second Lieutenant Hughes stopping by earlier to solicit college funds for Elicia from them. Also, Ed had taken a break and ended up stuck inside a vending machine for two hours, having mistaken a can of Red Bull for beer and being too cheap to pay the 70 Sens for it.

Currently, Ross and Brosh were about to enjoy a nice nap against the door they were guarding when they were shaken by a loud scream.

"%(&^#%(^&#($^&!%$#%^$%&^%*&^*!"

The two of them stormed into the study room, guns at the ready.

"What? What is it?"

"Is it Zit? Where is he?"

They found the brothers sitting on the floor, being all angsty and emo.

"Is this another one of your jokes, Edward, sir?" asked Ross, barely able to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

"No…it's just…we finally deciphered it," said Ed.

"Deciphered what?"

"The secret ingredient to creating the Internet," said Al.

"What is it?"

"The secret ingredient…it's…it's…oregano..."

Ross and Brosh looked at each other, and then back at Ed.

"Well, that isn't so bad-"

"OREGANO IS PEOPLE!"

Ed slammed his fists onto the open _Ancient Alchemic Runes for Dummies_book, which was open to a page on the symbolism of spices. Ross and Brosh could clearly read _oregano = people _from where they stood.

Ed seemed devastated. "How could the army have done such a thing in Ishbal..!" He threw back his head and clenched his fists, crumpling some of the book's pages. "People shouldn't be used like that! That's just wrong!"

Al suddenly recalled a time he was used as a step ladder, not twenty minutes ago.

"It would take at least five lives just for a little bit of dial-up!" continued Ed.

The two officers were in shock. "I can't believe the military has done something so inhumane!" said Brosh.

"Unforgivable!" said Ross.

"Second Lt. Ross…Sgt. Brosh…can you please not tell anyone about this?"

"But-"

"Please," said Ed. "Please act like you've never heard this."

"What are we gonna do now, Niisan?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"…No?"

"We're gonna stick our noses where they don't belong!" replied Ed, standing up.

"Oh, good. Let's do that. That's never gotten us in trouble, no."

* * *

Back at Central HQ, Roy was walking around while looking important in order to get noticed and possibly promoted. He was currently making a somber face and talking to Hawkeye in a low, serious voice.

"…and so with every achievement the female officers accomplish, they get to make their miniskirt one inch shorter. How does that sound?"

"It sounds idiotic, sir."

"How so?"

"Many reasons, sir. Many reasons."

"Hm."

"Sir, if I may ask, what are we doing here? We've been going in circles for an hour."

"I'm not leaving until I get promoted! And besides, if I'm the one to catch Zit, it'll boost my reputation and I'll get one step closer to being the Fuhrer."

"Sir, you should be careful saying such statements. They could be considered traitorous."

"And when I'm Fuhrer," he continued, ignoring her, "the first thing I'm gonna do is ban water guns and fire extinguishers. That way, I'll be undefeatable."

"Right, sir."

* * *

"Was it a gas explosion?"

"Maybe it was a terrorist attack."

Several soldiers awaited Colonel Mustang's arrival near the rubble where something from within the sewers had blown up.

"Maybe it was global warming."

The other soldiers looked at the one who said this. One of them approached him.

"Global warming. Blew up the sewer."

"Yeah."

"Tom…you're an idiot."

"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard." Roy Mustang had arrived at the scene. Liza Hawkeye followed behind him as usual, her fingers lingering ever so longingly on the handle of her gun.

Mustang spotted Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc somewhere up ahead and walked up to him.

"Havoc! What's going on?"

"We think it was Zit," explained Havoc.

"Is there a corpse?"

"No, but we found this celery stick."

"Well then keep looking!" Mustang adjusted his collar a bit. "I won't feel at ease until his death is confirmed! No breaks until it is so!"

"But sir, it'll take weeks-"

"And while you're searching, I'll be at Starbucks typing on my laptop, because women find that sexy. Come, Lt. Parrotbeak."

Hawkeye stared at him. "Sir?"

"Ever since Fullmetal called you 'Lt. Pigeonfoot,' I came up with all sorts of ideas to screw with your name. Doesn't that sound fun?"

"Not really."

Again, STD and Fat-Ass were looking at the scene from somewhere above, STD very annoyed.

"You let him get away," she said.

"Do you think liposuction is expensive?" asked Fat-Ass.

"Here's what I think," she replied as she snipped off his head.

"There. You can use that as an exercise ball."

To her surprise and annoyance, he proceeded to do so.

* * *

"The Elrics haven't had any breakfast yet."

Brosh and Ross were in the lobby, waiting for Armstrong.

"Yeah, it's no wonder, after what they found out-"

"WHAT DID THEY FIND OUT?"

The two officers nearly leaped out of their skins.

"M-Major Armstrong! We didn't hear you behind us!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE I'M STEALTHY. LIKE A CANOE. WHAT WERE YOU TWO WHISPERING ABOUT?"

"Oh, nothing, it's a secret," said Brosh.

"OH? I LOVE SECRETS. PLEASE, LET US SHARE SECRETS. IT SHALL BE FUN."

"No," said the two of them desperately. "Please, we don't want-"

"WHEN I WAS BUT A YOUNG LAD OF FIFTEEN, I DISCOVERED AN AMAZING NEW USE FOR SCOTCH TAPE-"

"OH GOD WE'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!" said Brosh.

"JUST PLEASE DON'T SAY ANY MORE!" said Ross.

* * *

"Niisan, you should go eat," said Al. "It's not good to drink on an empty stomach."

"This sucks," slurred Ed, who was splayed out on the couch. "We'd have to kill people to get our bodies back! That's totally illegal!"

"And wrong, Niisan."

"And whatnow?"

"Never mind."

Ed sighed. "You know Al, there was something that I've always wanted to ask you…but it was something I was too scared to ask."

"What is it?"

Just then, someone blew up a hole near their door and burst inside.

"EDWARD ELRIC," boomed Armstrong, "I HAVE HEARD WHAT YOU DISCOVERED, AND IT IS MOST ATROCIOUS."

"Why do you keep doing that?" said an exasperated Al. "There's a door! There's always a door!"

"I HAD A TRAUMATIZING CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE WITH A DOORKNOB, YOU SEE," explained the Major. "IT ALL STARTED WHEN MY FAMILY CHANGED THEM TO THOSE ROUND ONES-"

"Please stop," said Al. "I'm sorry I asked."

* * *

"…AND SO I BELIEVE LABORATORY 3 IS THE MOST SUSPICIOUS ONE."

A few minutes later, the five of them hovered over a map of the city on the coffee table, Armstrong having just explained the country's main laboratories and why number 3 was suspicious.

"…because it's next to a Starbucks?"

"YES. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SCIENCING IS HARD WORK, SO COFFEE WOULD BE A NECESSARY COMMODITY. ADDITIONALLY, ONLY EVIL FIENDS WOULD USE LIVE HUMANS IN EXPERIMENTS, HENCE THE LOYALTY TO STARBUCKS."

"What about this one?" asked Ed, pointing to what looked like an empty building.

"THAT WOULD BE LABORATORY 5, THOUGH THERE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANYTHING GOING ON THERE SINCE IT'S ABANDONED."

"Hold on," Ed noticed something. "There's a dental clinic next to it."

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Al.

"Everyone knows that dentists are *hic* extremely suicidal," explained Ed. "Wouldn't it be a perfect cover for using them to make the Internet?"

"INTERESTING POINT. I SHALL INVESTIGATE THE MATTER THOROUGHLY. IN THE MEANTIME, I FORBID EITHER OF YOU TO GO TO THAT LABORATORY."

"You're not my *hic* dad!"

"I think we should listen to him, Niisan."

"Pfffft."

"YOU TWO KEEP AN EYE ON THEM," he said to Brosh and Ross.

"Yes, sir!"

Ed, whose sense of timing was off, tried sneaking out the window right then and there. Armstrong pulled him back by the scruff of his neck. "I AM SERIOUS, EDWARD ELRIC. IF YOU TRY TO SNEAK OUT I SHALL BE FORCED TO INFORM THE COLONEL OF YOUR INSUBORDINATE BEHAVIOR. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE ENJOYS PUNISHING YOU WITH THE VUVUZELA."

"Oh God, I hate the vuvuzela," said Ed. He still had a constant ringing noise in his left ear from when Mustang got pissed about the library fire. "Okay okay, we'll stay put. I promise."

* * *

"Pffffft, like hell we will," said Ed later that night, sneaking away from the inn where he and Al had just climbed out of their room window.

"Niisan, why are we doing this again?"

"Because Armstrong told us not to!"

"…That's it?"

"Yep. That's pretty much how I roll."

"Niisan, that's no way to go through-"

"Hey if I had listened to you and never tried bringing Batman to life, you wouldn't have that totally awesome armor body now."

"…"

"Besides, according to the map, there's a brewery nearby. We should totally sneak in."

"What?"

"Yeah!"

"No!"

"What?" Ed stopped in his tracks.

"I said no, Niisan! I'm putting my foot down!"

Ed stood there in shock. Al had never said "No" to him before.

"If we're gonna do something reckless and stupid, we might as well sneak into lab 5 and probably die!"

"…Huh. Good point, Al. Let's go!" And so Ed went down another street.

"What did I just do?"

* * *

"Pfffft 'abandoned' my ass, look at that guard over there," said Ed. The two of them had found laboratory 5, and were currently observing the entrance from behind a tree.

"Niisan, why are you pointing at that lamppost?"

"I don't know." Ed started sneaking towards the side of the building. Nearby at the dental clinic, several nooses hung from the lawn trees. "Let's *hic* sneak into the lab and see if we find anything."

"I don't think we should-"

"Trust me Al, we won't get caught."

"We don't know that for sure," said Al as he followed him. "Remember when we sneaked into old Fergusons's corn crop?"

"Heheh, yeah," said Ed, making his way up the wall. "He was so pissed. I wonder if your *hic* body still has those scars."

"Remind me why I'm following you again?" asked Al as he climbed the wall after Ed.

"You'd rather be with me and face death and despair than sit at the inn with Armstrong watching _Two and a Half Men_."

"…Yeah, you're right."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE:**

Somewhere, a woman with picture-perfect memory named Sheska was selling her body on a shady street corner to pay for her mother's hospital bills.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I want the "OREGANO IS PEOPLE" line to live on forever.

PS- I honestly don't know what's wrong with Armstrong.


	7. Laboratory 5

**Author's Note:** Subtle thanks to Ichigo-sama, who gave me the idea of making the Gluttony of this fic a health-freak ^_^ It was almost rejected, too xD she also gave me the idea for how annoying Number 48 will be…

* * *

**Chapter 7: Laboratory 5**

"…so by the time they come up with a maximum security all-girl college on Mars, Elicia's funds will have grown."

"…Are you quite done yet?"

Roy was currently on the phone with Maes, who was trying to solicit money from Roy to a fund for Elicia's non-existent college.

"So tell me, Roy. I noticed a serious lack of wives in your life. What's up?"

Roy looked sideways at Liza. She currently wore the same stoic expression as ever, only this time with a slight frown. Roy had crawled out the window to escape work earlier that day, and when she confronted him about it he called her "Lieutenant Owlbutt." She wasn't too happy about it.

"Yeeeaaaaaahh it's a work in progress," said Roy.

"I've always wanted to ask you something." Maes's voice suddenly turned serious. "Are you gay?"

"Wha-no!"

"Because if you were gay-"

"Maes-"

"That'd be okay-"

"Dammit, Maes-"

"I mean 'cause hey, I'd like you anyw-"

"I'll burn you. I mean it." He was serious too, just like when he burned Second Lieutenant Breda for using his spare ignition-cloth gloves to make s'mores. It had taken a whole gallon of Tide to get the chocolate stains out.

"Okay okay…it's Armstrong, isn't it?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you!" Roy was praying that Liza couldn't hear what Maes was saying. He cleared his throat. "Not that there's anything wrong with it….but why do you think that?"

"Oh come on, isn't it obvious?"

"…"

"The tussled hair, the way you snap your fingers, your 'impotence' around Hawkeye, 'The _Flame_ Alchemist,' c'mon, don't you see it?"

Roy was desperate to get out of this conversation. "So what about Elicia, eh? Did she do anything disgustingly adorable today?"

"OMG THIS MORNING SHE FILLED OUT MY INCOME TAX WITH CRAYON SCRIBBLES AND UNICORN STICKERS AND SHE WAS SO PRECIOUS LOLOLOL-" and so Maes went on like this for about forty-five minutes.

Roy thought to himself, _If I ever become Fuhrer, I know who to hire as the torture specialist._

* * *

Somewhere in Laboratory 5, two shadows crept in the corner, whispering to each other.

"Hey, Number 66," said one of them, "it looks like we've got some rare guests."

"Oooooh can I drill their heads in, Number 48? Can I?"

"You can take the big one," Number 48 got up. "I'll take on the midget…This should be fun."

* * *

"It's a good thing I'm so *hic* drunk right now," said Ed as he squeezed and crawled his way through the air vent. "Otherwise I wouldn't fit…wait…" he stopped to think about what he had just said, the gears in his head quite rusty. "Ah, whatever."

After fifteen minutes or so, he slid out and landed on the sandy floor of a large room. He noticed it was lit with torches, so he deduced that he was possibly not alone. Then he wondered who in this day and age uses torches anymore. He walked towards the center and saw that there something drawn in red in the middle, and prayed that he didn't stumble into another Scientology-cult-type ordeal or something. Upon closer examination, he realized it was a human transmutation circle.

"Holy s**t, was I actually right about something for once?" He was just imagining the Colonel's shocked face when he heard someone coming. Someone whose footsteps sounded a lot like Al's. Someone who wasn't Al.

* * *

Al stood outside, feeling annoyed and bored. Niisan was probably gonna forget what it was he was supposed to be doing and wander out of the front doors, to the surprise of the guards. _This time I'm not gonna be around to help him! _thought Al.

Just then, something hit his back. It bounced off with a _clank_ and fell harmlessly to the ground. Al turned and looked down to see a wireless dental drill.

"…right. Who threw that at me?"

"Twas meeeee!" the creepy, gleeful scream came from a suit of armor now running towards Al to recover his drill.

"Who are you?"

"Me? Oh you can call me Number 66 for now!" his voice sounded as though he were speaking through a can. He picked up his drill. "I'll tell you my real name after I kill you!"

"…In that order?"

"What?"

"I mean, how can you kill me and then tell me who you are? That sounds kind of dumb."

"…Don't try pushing your logic on me!" And with that, Number 66 charged at him.

* * *

Back at the inn, Armstrong had pressured Second Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosh into watching_ Two and a Half Men_.

"HOW DELIGHTFULLY FUNNY," laughed Armstrong. "CHARLIE HAS BEEN DATING TWO WOMEN AT ONCE, AND NOW ALAN HAS OPENED HIS OVERLY LARGE MOUTH AND INFORMED ONE OF THEM. I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING, MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING."

Ross very much regretted taking out the ammo in her gun earlier. Brosh was having a small seizure.

"I'm gonna go upstairs and reload my pistol, sir," said Ross.

" VERY WELL, ROSS," he said, as he laughed at the part with Charlie spilling wine on his date's expensive dress. Ross almost retched.

It was upstairs, of course, where Maria Ross discovered the Elrics' empty room.

"OH GOODIE," said Armstrong as Brosh began to sob, still foaming at the mouth from that seizure, "_EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND_ IS ON NEXT. I CANNOT WAIT-"

"Sir!" Maria Ross ran into the lobby. "The Elric brothers have sneaked out!"

"Oh, thank God," said Brosh, getting up from the couch.

"GO SEARCH FOR THEM," said Armstrong. "IN THE MEANTIME I WILL CALL THE COLONEL AND TELL HIM TO BRING THE VUVUZELA."

* * *

Ed walked around the room, observing the circle in the middle and wondering aloud if it was used to create the Internet.

"That is correct," said the hollow voice of the suit of armor walking towards him from the door across the room. "Though I suppose now you want to run off and tell someone?"

"Um, *hic* I guess?"

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that. Unless…"

"Unless?"

"Unless you answer my questions."

"Okay?"

"First question: what is really hot and has two breasts?"

"…What?"

"Answer it!"

"Um…" in his drunken state, Ed struggled to answer. "Armstrong?"

"No!" Number 48 giggled stupidly. "A roast chicken!"

"…" said Ed.

* * *

"You're pretty good for a guy moving in armor!" yelled Number 66 as Al dodged another attack from him.

"Uh, thanks?" said Al. "But your drill isn't even working-"

"Would you like to know who I am?"

"Not really."

"Once upon a time," said Number 66, "there was a man named Barry. Barry _loved_ to drill. He drilled and he drilled and he drilled all day long…that's why he became a dentist!"

Al stared.

"And so he drilled teeth…Hundreds and hundreds of teeth…But one day, drilling teeth wasn't enough for him anymore." Barry looked down sadly. "So he killed himself."

The silence that followed was awkward. Al stared at Barry as he looked down at his shuffling feet.

"But then they made him into a guard for a lab!" said Barry suddenly. "That way he can drill people's skulls in! It's so much fun!"

"I'm sure it is."

"Say, shouldn't you be shocked that I'm a dead man walking?"

"Not really. I'm a soul in armor too."

"I see… but are you sure you're a soul?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if," he said, looking Al in his glowy soul-eyes, "you don't exist?"

Al gasped. "I believe you! Even though you're a complete stranger who tried to kill me!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Ed was having his own crisis.

"What sort of vegetable wouldn't you want on a ship?"

Ed was getting tired of these riddles. He didn't even remember what it was he came for.

"Pfffft I dunno, broccoli?"

"No!" said Number 48, giggling. "Leeks!"

"AHHHHH!" Ed sat on the floor tearing out his hair. "Will you at _least_ let me leave?"

"Nah, I can't," he said. "I have to kill you."

And so they fought. Ed almost won the fight but it turned out it was two people in one armor suit, he got cut and lost a lot of blood and his automail broke because of incompetent Winry, then he won anyway because hey the plot just needs to progress, yadda yadda you know what happens.

"Tell me everything!" said Ed as he lay half-dead on the floor.

"Aren't you going to destroy us?" asked Number 66, in the helmet four feet away from his creepy headless torso brother.

"No!" said Ed.

"You have very strong morals for a dog of the military."

"Nah, it's not that. I just don't feel like getting up."

"Oh…" he was a bit put off. "Well anyway, the people who created us as guards are-" the next moment, he was dead. STD and Spam had arrived, and violently stabbed the two brothers in a murder the author can only describe as "double metalcide."

"What are you doing here, Fullmetal Brat?" asked Spam.

Ed stared.

"What?" asked Spam. "Why are you staring? Is my fly open or something?"

"Dude," said Ed, "you are like the *hic* hottest chick I've ever seen."

It was hard to say who was more angry; STD, because _she_ was supposed to be the hot one, or Spam, who was tired of always having his gender questioned. Or possibly it was the author who, despite sworn rejection to anything even _remotely _resembling a yaoi fic, got angry at herself for not being able to resist these lame jokes.

"Dammit if you weren't a human sacrifice I'd-"

"Shhh, Spam!" said STD.

"Oh, right."

"A human what-ifice?" asked Ed.

Spam responded by punching him and knocking him out. "I'm so angry," said Spam, picking up Ed, "let's blow this place up."

"But doesn't Dad need it to-"

"It'll work out, let's just blow it up."

"Okay."

* * *

Ross and Brosh arrived, they carried Ed away from the crumbling building, blah

* * *

In the hospital, Ed was slowly waking up with a massive hangover. He saw Al hovering over him and screamed, nearly falling out of bed.

"What? What is it, Niisan?"

"Oh Al, is that you?" said Ed, holding his hand over his heart. "Sheesh that armor never ceases to freak me out."

"Good to see you're well, Niisan."

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

"AHHHH DAMMIT, MUSTANG!" Ed really did fall off his bed this time. He hadn't seen Mustang at the window with the vuvuzela.

"That's what you get for disobeying orders," said Roy.

"You ass!"

"I'm gonna leave now, because I'm not really supposed to be in this scene." He left.

"Edward Elric, sir!"

Maria Ross and Denny Brosh entered the room.

"Oh hey guys," said Ed after he got himself back into bed. "Thanks for saving us earli-OW!" Maria had slapped him.

"What the hell was that for?"

"For vomiting in my car again, sir," she said.

"But it was blood, I got stabbed-"

"EDWARD ELRIC."

"Oh crap."

A hole was blasted through the wall near the open door.

"THAT WAS UTTERLY RECKLESS OF YOU."

"Please leave."

"VERY WELL." He left.

"What will you do now, Ed?" asked Brosh.

"I have to call what's-her-face-"

"Winry, Niisan?"

"Yep."

"She's not gonna be happy."

"I'll just tell her you sat on it again."

"…Dammit, Niisan."

* * *

"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard."

To Maes's annoyance, this was Roy's new way of answering phone calls as well.

"Yo Roy. You got a sec?"

"Not really. I'm busy working."

There was a short pause of silence, then the two of them burst out laughing. Liza, who was standing nearby as usual, found herself questioning the life decisions that have lead her down this path.

"Pfffft 'working!' Good one!" said Maes. "Anyway, I just wanted to give you some good news."

"Yeah?"

"There are some rumors going around Central. Apparently this whole Zit thing has them in an uproar- but the good part is, they're thinking of promoting you to Central."

"Really? You don't say." Roy reclined to his usual relaxing position, with his chair leaned back and his feet on his desk. "Is it because of my skills as a State Alchemist? Or were they impressed by my overseeing of the search for Zit?" He stroked his hand through his hair. "Or perhaps it's because I'm so handsome, and the majority of the people working at Central are female, yes?"

"None of those, really. They're just short on staff because people keep quitting over Zit-related panic. They're getting pretty desperate."

Roy abruptly returned to his original position. "Oh, okay."

"But I also wanted to tell you that this means the road ahead will get rough now," said Maes, sounding concerned.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, since you're getting promoted at such a young age, you'll be making a lot of enemies."

"Hm, true."

"So keep your friends close."

"Uh-huh."

"And your enemies closer."

"Yes."

"And hurry up and find a husband."

_Click._

"Hello?"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Please review. Please? That way I know what's funny and what's plain stupid. And you can keep reading. And I can keep wasting my Friday nights typing these things. Huzzah!

*drinks herself to sleep*


	8. Artificial Intelligence

**Author's Note:** You know, Weight Watchers really does work. Except for me. Because I cheat.

...

Maybe I should buy some Shake Weights? xD

* * *

**Chapter 8:** Artificial Intelligence

There was nothing but ruin as far as the eye could see.

Zit looked above him, the hot wind blowing sand in his face, in his eyes. The man on the cliff in front of him was barely visible due to the sun behind him. The man was wearing white and blue, and the wind was whipping his long black hair around his face.

"Who are you?" shouted Zit over the wind.

The man smiled. There was something in his mouth.

"Mmf meh fmate agmemisf mf garge mf gefmegging fmif meria," he said.

"What?"

"Mmf meh fmate agmemisf mf garge mf gefmegging fmif meria!" he repeated.

"I can't hear you! Take that thing out of your mouth!"

The man spat the glinting black object out of his mouth and into his hand. "I said, 'I'm the State Alchemist in charge of destroying this area!'"

"I still can't hear you!" shouted Zit.

"Oh, for the love of-"

"HEY MISTER!"

"Wha-" Zit awoke from his dream.

"Wow, you're alive! Boy are you lucky!" said the woman hovering over him.

"Where am I?"

"You're in the Playboy mansion," said the blond woman. "My name is Candy."

"Wait…" Zit was trying to recover the blurred memories of his attack in the sewers. "What happened to the slutty woman and the fat man?"

"Oh we don't allow fat people in here," she said, beaming. "They'd be crucified on the spot!"

"…and the slutty woman?"

"Which one, Honey?"

Zit looked around the room. He was surrounded by the most beautiful, curvy women he'd ever seen in his life.

"It's times like these that I despise being a celibate monk," he said.

* * *

At the hospital, Ed called the Rockbell residence.

"*hic* Hello?"

"Hey, Winry it's me. Uh, listen, I kinda need your help…"

"…"

"Winry?"

"*hic* Hello?"

"Winry, it's Ed, can you hear me?"

"Who is this?"

"Ed."

"Ted?"

"No, it's Ed.

"Are you a telemarketer, Ted?"

"No."

"I'm not interested in anything you have to sell."

"I'm not trying to sell you anything."

"What are you *hic* wearing, Ted?"

"Listen, I need to come over and-"

"Who *hic* is this?"

"Ed!"

"Are you the guy who's after that sandwich in my pocket?

"No, I'm Ed! Remember? The blond kid who lived next to you?"

"…Al?"

"Listen, will you just get your butt down to Central-"

"Hey I don't take orders from *hic* telemarketers!"

Ed face-palmed.

* * *

Later, Armstrong was sent to meet Winry at the train station. It had taken Ed a full two hours to convince her he wasn't a telemarketer named Ted.

"MISS ROCKBELL, IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN."

"Oh hi again, He-Man," she said, hobbling up to him. "Where's *hic* Ed?"

"HE HAS MOST UNFORTUNATELY SUFFERED INJURIES AND HAS BEEN HOSPITALIZED."

"What *hic* happened?" she sounded angry. "Has he been messing up my automail again?"

"UM," said Armstrong, not sure what to say to her after he had promised Ed not to tell her about the battle. "HE WAS ATTACKED BY, ER….A SHARK."

"A shark?" she narrowed her eyes at him. "In a landlocked country?"

"IT WAS A BATHTUB SHARK."

"Oh, okay."

* * *

By the time Winry fumbled her way through her toolbox and fixed Ed's arm ("Oh here's the problem," she had said, "there's air where this screw is supposed to be"), Al was having a full-blown existential crisis in the hallway.

_What am I?_ he kept thinking. _Who am I? Am I real?_

_Is this what Niisan wanted to ask me about but was too afraid to?_

He looked down at his trembling metal hands. _Were all those years of working-out a waste?_

* * *

"…AND SO NOW CHARLIE IS CONVINCED ALAN IS GAY DUE TO HIS LACK OF A LOVE LIFE. IT TRULY IS AMAZING WRITING." (Author: *cough*)

"That's…really nice, Major…"

Armstrong, Ross, and Brosh, had been standing outside the room and talking as Winry worked on Ed's arm.

"Hey guys," Maes Hughes had come for a visit. "So you're each donating $600 to Elicia's Martian college fund? Great thanks- so how's Edward doing?"

"HE WAS MOST FORTUNATE. HE'LL RECOVER FROM BEING STABBED IN AN EPISODE OR TWO."

"Oh well that's good."

"I'm *hic* all done!" said Winry, and they all entered.

"Yo Edward!" said Maes.

"Oh hey, Hughes," said Ed.

"Alrighty, I'm gonna *hic* find a Walgreens to spend the night in," said Winry. She closed her toolkit and walked over to the door. "See ya, Ed."

"Er…why don't you just come home with me?" said Maes. "We have a guest bed and my wife Gracia is a wonderful cook-"

"I'll be glad to *hic* go with you!" said Winry. "I love following strangers home. You have a pretty face."

"…right."

* * *

At Elicia's birthday, Maes pretty much regretted bringing Winry to his apartment. He sat at the corner with her, and she was still a tad tipsy. She decided that it was a good idea to unload everything that was bothering her about Ed.

"…and then he said he was going fishing, but I didn't see him for three years after that!"

"Boy, that's uh, pretty bad-"

"And you know what the worst part is?"

"What?"

"I think Ed's developed a *hic* drinking problem!"

"You don't say!"

She started to cry. Maes decided to leave her weeping in her corner and play with his daughter.

"If you ever become like Ed or Winry," he cooed to Elicia, "They might kick you out of the Mars All-Girl Academy! Now hurry up and finish that cake, because after your birthday we're reviewing the SAT vocabulary flashcards."

Elicia proceeded to mash birthday cake in her own face.

* * *

The next day, Maes, Winry, Ross, and Brosh walked into the hospital room to find the brothers arguing.

"AM I REAL, NIISAN!" said Al in despair.

"Why are you *hic* yelling at me?" said Ed, who was slightly drunk again. "All I said was 'I hate this milk'-"

"You once told me you wanted to ask me something, but were too afraid to! Is this what you meant, Niisan? Did you want to ask me about how I don't exist?"

"Pfffft you're being a dumbass!"

"MY LIFE IS A LIE!" he ran out, mentally sobbing.

* * *

Ed found him on the roof later.

"Stop being all emo already," said Ed. "It's making me depressed."

"But I don't exist!" said Al.

"Pfffft of course you *hic* exist!"

"But how? How do I really know?"

"Aren't you suffering? Like, all the time?"

"Yes!"

"Well there ya go," he said.

"What?"

"Suffering is existing…or some crap like that."

"But….you're the one making me suffer…"

"How do you even know _I_ exist? Eh?"

Alphonse concluded that he must exist, since he was suffering a lot right now.

"Hm, I guess I never really thought about it. I'm sorry I got angry, Niisan."

"You should be."

"Anyway, what was it that you wanted to ask me earlier?"

Ed looked down and shuffled his feet. "Well…"

"What is it?"

"It's just…" he sighed. "Ever since the whole 'Batman' thing happened, I've been feeling really…"

"Feeling what?"

"Well…"

"Guilty?"

"No. Heavy," he said, looking up. "I've been feeling really heavy." Tears began forming in his eyes. "Do you think I got fat?" he sobbed. "Be honest!"

Al stood there in disbelief and annoyance. "Did it ever occur to you," he said, wondering how easy it would be to push Ed off the rooftop and make it look like an accident, "that you feel heavier because of your metal limbs?"

Ed stopped sobbing abruptly. "No. No it did not."

"Idiot."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay okay, no more "Two and a Half Men" jokes, I promise! ^_^''

Anyway, Armstrong has mutated into a character far beyond what I had intended.

I'm a little scared


	9. Separate Paths

**Author's Note:** The lack of reviews on the last chapter was…sad. I thought it was one of my better ones D:

Many thanks to the two people who reviewed ^_^

I've mixed up the summary just a bit in hopes of gaining more readers :P

ONWARDS!

* * *

**Chapter 9:** Separate Paths

Roy was running through the battlefield. All around him, his comrades' blue uniforms contrasted sharply with the brown sand and white sky. _One human only has the power to do so much_, he thought. _That's why I'm going to protect…_he aimed his hands at the Ishbalans ahead shooting at them and snapped his fingers…_even if it's just a handful of them…the ones most important to me._

The war was over; Fuhrer King Bradley stood atop a building as though to admire the scene of destruction before his eyes; below him, Roy was standing amongst his remaining war comrades. _A subordinate protects their subordinate, and so forth. That should be possible even for us puny humans._

"Geometric progression, huh?" said Maes, who was standing next to him. "Which means, if you want to protect this whole country, you have to be at the top of that summit." He pointed above them both, and Roy turned his head to look up.

"You mean at the top of Splash Mountain?"

"Colonel?"

"Huh?" Roy found himself in his chair back at his Eastern Headquarters office.

"Sir, were you sleeping?" asked Lieutenant Hawkeye.

"Huh, I guess I was." He rubbed his eyes. "Paperwork always puts me to sleep when I actually do it."

"It seemed like you were having a dream, sir."

"Yeah, just an old war flashback." He paused. "Which somehow turned into a Disney World flashback."

"Was it the one where the Ishbalans were all puppets from the 'It's A Small World' ride and you blew them all up?"

"Uh…no, it was different this time."

"I see."

"I really should stop drinking before work."

"You don't drink, sir."

"Oh yeah."

* * *

At the hospital, Ed, Al, Maes, and Armstrong were exchanging notes.

"…I don't *hic* remember anything after this hot chick knocked me out," said Ed, holding up a freshly Photo-transmuted picture of Spam.

"Wow, she does look hot," said Maes. "I wonder what kind of wife she'd make."

"INDEED," said Armstrong. "SHE REMINDS ME OF MY NANNY."

Ed, Al, and Maes stared.

"ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE IT ALL MEANS?"

"The guardians, the lab, Marcoh, the Ouroboros tattoos, sacrifices, the Internet and its main ingredient…" muttered Maes. "This could be serious."

Just then, someone walked into the hospital room and made everyone's jaw drop.

"Y-Your Excellency!" stammered Maes. "What are you doing here?"

"Why, I'm here to visit the Fullmetal Alchemist and wish him a speedy recovery, of course," said Fuhrer King Bradley.

"I'm getting all *hic* better, sir," said Ed. "But I can't feel my right arm."

"What are these?" Bradley noticed their notes on the table.

"THOSE ARE, UM-"

"Have you people been investigating laboratory 5 and the Internet?"

Everyone stared at one another, then back at the Fuhrer.

"No," said Al.

"Oh, well okay then." Bradley looked around the room. "The truth of the matter is, my intelligence network has been investigating these evil Internet-seeking fiends for a while now. Every time we find something, they're two steps ahead of us, and now they've blown up laboratory 5!" He sighed. "It was my favorite one."

"What do you suppose they're after, Your Excellency?" asked Maes.

"Who knows?" said Bradley. "Anyway, I must stress that you not get involved. You cannot trust anyone in a situation like this, when you cannot even distinguish friend from foe! Regard all of the military as your foe and proceed carefully!"

"*hic* 'Kay."

They heard someone running down the hallway outside the door. "Your Excellency!" they shouted.

"Ah crap," said the Fuhrer. "Those damn interns are always following me, asking me what to do, sheesh…" He walked over to the open window.

"Laters." He stepped out.

Maes looked alarmed. "Your Excellency, this is the second floor-!"

THUD

"OUCH!"

"Sir?" Everyone rushed to the window.

"I'm okay!"

They all face-palmed.

* * *

"…I'm not buying train tickets so you can *hic* go to Rush Valley!"

"Why the *hic* hell not?"

Twenty minutes later, Winry had arrived (she would have come earlier, but she mistook every room in the hallway for Ed's room. Several people would later file harassment complaints).

"Niisan, it's on the way, we may as well-"

"You're not even paying for them!" said Winry. "You keep *hic* charging things to 'Colonel Roy Mustang,' whoever he his-"

"Niisan! He's gonna find out!" said Al.

"Pfffft what's he gonna do?"

"Play the vuvuzela again?"

"…shit."

"Where do you keep getting his cards, anyway?"

"Your mom."

"WHERE ARE YOU BOYS HEADING TO, ANYWAY?" asked Armstrong.

"To Dublith," said Ed.

"Rush Valley is on the way," said Maes. "I don't see why you can't let Ms. Rockbell go there."

"See?" said Winry. "The *hic* pretty guy agrees with me."

"Ms. Rockbell, about the whole 'pretty guy' thing, my wife wasn't happy with how you snuck into bed with us last night-"

"I really *hic* like you."

"Please stop."

"EDWARD, DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD STAY HERE IN THE HOSPITAL AND RECOVER FROM YOUR INJURIES?"

"Pfffft, no way," said Ed. "The alcohol here isn't even that good."

"Niisan, it's because you keep drinking the rubbing alcohol-"

"So are we stopping at Rush *hic* Valley or what?" slurred Winry.

"Pfffft fine, but only if you use what you learn in Rush Valley to cure my metal limbs."

"YAY!" she hugged Maes, creeping him out.

* * *

Later that night, Maes Hughes was busy investigating in the library. Within ten hours of research, he discovered something that would take the rest of the character thirty or so episodes to find out.

"The Ishbal Civil War…" he muttered, hovering over a map and marking it with a pen, "the Scientology riots in Liore…" he put the pen down and picked up the map to look at it closely. "Who is the mastermind behind all this? I have to tell someone!"

The door behind him slammed. "Not so fast, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes," said STD.

Maes responded by throwing his hardcover copy of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ at her face, which stunned her for a few seconds. He took his chance to run outside and use the phone booth.

Maes had never called any military headquarters from an outside line before, so he prayed it would work.

"_Thank you for calling Eastern Headquarters! Para en Espanol, marke ocho._"

"C'mon c'mon c'mon!"

"_For directions and hours of operation, press one._"

"Really?"

"_For applicants hoping to become dogs of the military, press two._"

Footsteps were fast-approaching from somewhere behind him.

"_For formal complaints, please hang up_."

"Are you serious?"

"_If this is an emergency, please say 'emergency' and press pound-sign._"

"Emergency!"

"_I'm sorry. The phone was unable to recognize your request. For directions and hours of operation, press one..._"

Maes began slamming his head against the phone booth's glass wall repeatedly.

"…_If this is an emergency, please say 'emergency' and press pound-sign._"

"EMERGENCY!"

"_Please enter your military code and pound-sign. This is the same military code you use for officer identification verification and discounts at Subway._"

"This is ridiculous!" his hands were shaking as he fumbled for the code in his wallet. "Uncle-Sugar-Oliver-eight-zero-zero!"

"_Military code verified. Please wait one moment while we transfer you to customer service. Your call is very important to us._"

"Finally!"

"Thank you for calling the Eastern Headquarters emergency line. This is Suzie speaking, how may I help you?"

"Oh, for crying out loud- this is Lieutenant Colonel Hughes from Central! I'm trying to reach Colonel Roy Mustang's office!"

"Please wait one moment. Would you be interested in answering a short customer satisfaction survey while you wait?"

"NO!"

"Very well then. I'll just transfer you right away."

"Hurry up! The military's in danger!"

Just then, he heard a gun being pointed at the back of his head.

"Can you put that receiver down, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes?"

He slowly turned to see Second Lieutenant Maria Ross standing behind him, holding the gun with a sinister smile.

"…You're not Maria Ross! Who are you?"

"I am Maria Ross, remember? We met several times in the hospital, have you forgotten?"

"No, you're not her! Maria Ross has a mole under her left eye!"

"Oh? Really? I must've been careless, then." Spam dug into his pocket for a small mirror and a Sharpie. "Could you hold this for a sec, please?"

He handed Maes the mirror, then looked intently at it as he drew a mole on his Maria-face with the Sharpie.

"How's this?" asked Spam.

"Are you serious?"

"Is it alright?"

"Its…on the wrong side…"

"Oh, whatever." Spam took back his mirror and re-aimed the gun at Maes. "Your quick-wittedness brought the end of you, Hughes!" he said.

"Gimmie a break, I can't die here," said Maes. "I just finished paying off my student loans!"

He turned back to the phone only to hear the following:

"_We're sorry. Your call could not be completed at this time. Please try again later and have a nice day. Goodbye._" They hung up.

He turned back around to face Spam again. "Urgh, fine. Just get it over with," he said.

* * *

"…and that's *hic* why we want to go to Dublith," said Ed.

The train was snaking through small towns and mountains, rumbling so loud it gave even Al a headache.

"Because they *hic* have a 24-hour petting zoo?" asked Winry.

"Niisan, didn't we want to visit our master to train more and ask about human transmutation and the Internet?"

"Pfffft do we have to?" said Ed. "She's gonna kill us when she finds out what we did." The two brothers shuddered…

"Remember that time we accidently spilled tomato sauce on her dress, and she made us listen to 90's trans music for five hours straight?" said Al.

"Or that time we cheated on our weekly exam, so she made us dress like pies and go to a Weight Watchers meeting?" said Ed.

"Your master sounds *hic* terrible," said Winry.

"She's a child-eating knife-happy booger monster." said Ed.

"Hey I know what'll cheer you guys up!" said Winry, opening up her pack. "Gracia's apple pie!"

"YAY!" Ed and Winry began stuffing their faces with delicious-looking apple pie.

Ed paused in his eating and looked at Al. "Hey Al, do you want some- oh never mind, you can't eat it." He continued shoveling pie into his mouth.

Al felt a pang in his chest. It echoed.

* * *

After Maes's funeral, Roy was interrogating Armstrong.

"Do you know who did this?"

"WE HAVE AN IDEA OF THE ONES WHO MURDERED HIM."

"Can you tell me in detail?"

"I CANNOT."

"I, a colonel, am ordering you to speak! Are you disobeying a senior officer?"

"I CANNOT SPEAK."

"Urgh! Anything else?"

Armstrong gave him an significant look. "THE ELRIC BROTHERS WERE HERE A FEW DAYS AGO LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, BUT THEY DID NOT FIND IT. IT IS LEGENDARY, AFTER ALL."

"…right. You can go now." Armstrong saluted and left, and Roy turned to Liza. "What the hell was that all about?"

"Sir, I think he was trying to tell you something important-"

"Let's go, Lieutenant!" Roy marched forward. "When I transfer to Central, I'll investigate the leadership and find out who killed Maes!"

"Sir, wouldn't that be mixing your private life with work-related-"

"But I must become Fuhrer and avenge his death!" he turned around and looked her in the eyes. "Will you follow me, Lieutenant?"

Liza thought back to the Starbucks barrista job she had before joining the military. If she quit being a soldier now and reapplied, she could probably get a decent job as a manager, with employee benefits and all.

"Til death, sir," she replied.

* * *

Candy wiped Zit's forehead with a warm, wet cloth.

"You really should be more careful," she said. "You were half-dead in the sewers when we found you, ya know."

Zit looked up at her."What were you doing in the sewers anyway?" he asked.

"One of our girls accidentally flushed a piercing down the toilet," she explained. "It was pretty expensive. It fell out of her-"

"I don't think I need to know," said Zit. "Anyway, thank you for all your help. I'm sorry for being such a burd-OW!" He nearly tore his wounds open again trying to get up.

Candy pushed him back into bed. "Please take it easy, mister! Don't exert yourself!"

"Tell me," panted Zit, "is my arm still attached?"

"You mean the one with the Mickey Mouse tattoos?

"Uh…N-no, the one with the alchemic tattoos."

"Oh it's fine."

"Good."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE:**

Somewhere in Rush Valley, the Elric brothers were learning about where babies come from. They didn't like it.

* * *

**Author's Note:** HUUUUGHES ;_;

That scene always gets to me…

Also interesting note about the anime/manga: the "gun ga yabai!" line that Maes yells into the phone actually has a double meaning; it can mean "the military is in danger" OR "the military is dangerous," depending on the context. So for the next 20 or so episodes/chapters, Roy assumes that Maes meant "the military is in danger," and only when he's surrounded by Bradley and the other evil military officers does he realize, "Oh crap, Hughes meant that the military IS danger! Lol oops."

The inability to translate the ambiguity of the "gun ga yabai!" line has always bothered me! Dx


	10. Miracle at Rush Valley

**Author's Note:** This chapter came very, VERY close to being skipped…then I had a Paninya idea…*evil cackle*

Anyway, thanks for the reviews! Last chapter got so many, I think the new summary definitely helps (even though all I really did was add the words "Crackfic parody" to it) xD

* * *

**Chapter 10: **Miracle at Rush Valley

"Why are we here again?" asked Ed, who was sober and thoroughly miffed about it. Al had confiscated his and Winry's alcohol after they wouldn't stop singing "This is the song that never ends" on the train.

"AUTOMAAAAIIIIIIL!"

The three of them had made it to Rush Valley, where Winry proceeded to run around and take pictures like a tourist on crack.

"She seems really excited, Niisan."

They watched as Winry tried stealing a rare Gotts Eleventh Year model arm that was still attached to someone. Three grown men were currently attempting to pull her off.

"Yeah well I say we leave now while she's distracte-"

"OMG LOOK AT THAT BLONDE KID'S AUTOMAIL!" someone shouted.

"Eh?"

Edward was immediately swallowed up by a crowd of automail-o-philes.

"Niisan!"

"YAAARGH!"

Al watched as they carried him away, a sea of people holding a small speck of a boy. Part of Al wanted very much to just slink away and live out the rest of his life as a suit-of-armor mascot for a football team, but he knew that he wouldn't be doing his job as a brother if he let the Rush Valley residents tear Ed to pieces.

"I'm coming, Niisan!"

* * *

Some time later, Winry and Al found him in the middle of the street. He appeared to have been stripped to his boxers and robbed.

"What…what happened?" asked Al.

"Oh, it was probably Paninya!" said a nearby automail mechanic. "She targets tourists."

"Who?" asked Winry.

"Paninya. She's a local around here, I'm sure you can find her. Don't worry, she's actually pretty friendly."

"And er…what did you say she does again?" asked Al.

"She's a human organ trafficker."

They all looked down at Ed in the bathtub of ice cubes, his legs sticking out awkwardly. He had a note attached to his chest that read, _Plz taek too hosspitol, lol._

"I think I see a light," mumbled Ed.

"Don't worry, Niisan, we'll find Paninya and get your, um-"

"Kidney."

"Your kidney back."

They left Ed in the bathtub, the water at the bottom slowly reddening.

* * *

Al and Winry tracked her down to an automail shop deep in the mountains. They were currently traveling on a winding dirt path to the shop.

"So this guy's name is Dominic, right?" asked Al.

"Yep," said Winry. "Paninya supposedly hangs around him a lot."

Just then, Al spotted Paninya on a wooden bridge up ahead.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Give my brother's kidney back!"

"No!" she shouted back. "I need it to pay for my automail legs that were free!" She ran, and Al used alchemy for the first time this entire fic. He was pretty proud.

Despite her legs turning out to have several knives and a bazooka installed, Al heroically assaulted her with giant hand-shaped moving rocks and even had her trapped in a cage at one point.

Winry was the one who caught her.

She had her by the hand. "Can I touch you?" she asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Your legs. Let me touch your legs."

"Um…okay?"

* * *

"These legs are amazing, Mr. Dominic!" said Winry, feeling up Paninya's automail legs.

Winry and Al were at Dominic's place, where they met him, his son, and his pregnant daughter-in-law. The author doesn't remember the names of the son or the pregnant lady, so their names in this fic are hereby Thing 1 and Thing 2, respectively.

"They are, aren't they?" said Dominic proudly.

"Can I be your apprentice?"

"No."

Just then, Ed wobbled into the house. "Please. Take your time. Don't *hic* take me to the hospital. I'm not bleeding to death or anything."

"Why didn't you just stay in the bathtub?" asked Winry. "You're making a mess."

"There was a *hic* bathtub shark, I had to get out."

"Are you drunk again?" asked Al.

"Pfffft of_ course_," said Ed. "S'not like she took my liver."

Paninya looked at him. "Uh…actually…"

"Dammit, lady! I NEED that liver!"

"Give back his organs!" said Winry. "He's my only source of income!"

She looked abashed. "M'kay," she pouted.

"What do we say, Paninya?" asked Dominic.

Paninya looked down at her toes. "I'm sorry."

Ed passed out.

"Damn drunken idiot," said Winry.

"Um…it might have been loss of blood," said Al.

* * *

"So what happened to your legs, Paninya?" asked Winry as she sewed Ed's organs back in. Outside, a raging thunder storm had started, and each of them had to speak in a slightly raised voice so the other could hear.

"My parents died in a train wreck," said Paninya, "and then I lost my legs in a poker game."

"That's terrible!" said Winry. "Did you know Mr. Dominic before then?"

"No. He met me as a legless orphan on the street. He picked me up and told me that he had always wanted to install lethal weapons on a child, and since I was an orphan, he didn't need any guardian's permission. It was like a dream come true for him."

"That's a little disturbing," said Winry as she was finishing up, "though I can't say I wouldn't do the same." She made a mental note to install tear gas in Ed's automail later.

"I owe him everything," continued Paninya. "That's why I traffic human organs."

"You should stop being a low-life thief and get a real job like everyone else."

"You are right. I am changed."

"YOU GUYS!" Thing 1 ran into the room. "It's Thing 2! She's in labor!"

"WHHHAAAAAAAAT?" screamed the two women, waking Ed up from his nap.

* * *

"It's raining too hard to get her to the hospital," said Dominic a few minutes later, pulling on his coat. "I'll go fetch the doctor myself."

"You know, maybe it was a bad idea to let a pregnant woman stay in a wooden shack in the mountains," said Thing 1.

"And maybe you should shut up, son." Dominic went on his way on horseback, Thing 2 wailing louder than the storm.

* * *

"What do we do?" sputtered Thing 1 as his wife lay writhing in bed from the pain. "The baby's coming now!"

He, Al, Ed, and Paninya proceeded to run around and scream for the next forty-five seconds.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" screamed Winry. "Al, get some towels."

"Okay!" Al left the room.

"Ed, get some hot water!"

"Right!"

"And please try not to burn yourself!"

"No promises!" He left the room too.

"Thing 1! Do you have any rubbing alcohol?"

"I think we have some in the back-"

"Then get it!" said Winry as she tied an apron around her waist, looking like she meant business. "Because I'm not doing this while sober!"

* * *

"Awwwww, it's so *hic* precious," cooed Ed after four stressful hours of waiting in the living room with Al.

"Niisan, why are you tickling the lamp?"

"Both mother and baby are perfectly healthy," said the doctor, whom Dominic had just brought to the house. "Excellent job, Miss Rockbell."

"You're *hic* welcome."

Dominic took the baby so he could have a better look. "What a fine grandson," he said. "So adorable and handsome!"

"No, Dad," said Thing 1. "No attaching automail parts to him."

"But-"

"I mean it."

Dominic looked put out. He put the baby back in his mother's arms and muttered something about "overprotective guardians" and "the law" and "always ruining my art."

"So can I *hic* be your apprentice now?" asked Winry.

"No," said Dominic.

She started to cry.

"Okay how about this," said Dominic, "I can find someone else to dump you on. How does that sound?"

"YAY!"

"Shouldn't you *hic* go back to Risembool?" asked Ed. "What about Grandma Pinako?"

"Oh, she kicked me out of the house ages ago," said Winry. "I got drunk and accidentally *hic* sold her microwave."

"Right," said Ed. "Well Al and I are gonna head to Dublith now. Those goats at that 24-hour petting zoo aren't gonna pet themselves, ya know!"

"Oh, Niisan," said Al, and everyone in the house laughed sitcom-style.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Paninya was later jailed for trying to traffic the baby.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART 2**

"So Winry," said Ed at the station as he was about to board the train to Dublith, "how exactly are babies made?"

"Yeah, I was wondering that myself," said Al.

"Oh this is gonna be fun," said Winry.

* * *

**Author's Note: **For the record, the baby's name is Thing Pi.

Anyway, I'm really glad that a lot of people found the "gun ga yabai" note interesting ^_^

So, for the heck of it, here is more of Nimrochan's Japanese 101:

In that part where Ed is desperately trying to tell Winry that the baby is being born, she looks confused and a horse appears over her head. I've seen many subbed versions of this episode in which Ed tries to say "Being born" but stammers "Be…being…bo…" and Winry goes "Bingo?" In the dubbed version, Ed says "Ba…ba…" (he's trying to say "baby") and Winry replies "Bay? That's a type of horse" (though why you'd jump to "type of horse" rather than "baby" is beyond me, considering there's a pregnant woman in the house).

In case you were wondering what the hell was going on and where did that horse come in, wonder no more!

Japanese word for "to be born": Umareru

Japanese word for "horse": Uma

SO-

Ed: Uma…uma…

Winry: Uma? *horse appears*

Ed: UMARERU!

Winry: OMFG!

^3^

**PS**- Apologies for the "water at the bottom slowly reddening" line xD. That was a little morbid, ne?


	11. OMAKE

**Important Author's Note:** This is **NOT** chapter 11. This is an **OMAKE**. As in extra material that has nothing to do with the story.

Enjoy~

* * *

"Hey *hic* Al, check it out, I have an idea."

"What is it, Niisan?"

The two brothers, bored and in between missions, decided to hang out at the inn that day. Ed was playing with his new laptop on his bed.

"I'm gonna put you on a dating website!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I think a girlfriend would really *hic* raise your morale."

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"Here, help me out."

"No."

"Look, this is gonna happen with or without you."

"Can't you find anything better to do?"

"I would if you'd just be willing to cooperate with me sometimes."

"Okay fine. What do you want?"

"The question is, what do _you_ want, Al?"

"To get my body back."

"No seriously." Ed sat up in his bed and put the laptop on his lap. "Okay let's start with the basics. What do you like?"

"I like having a body."

"No really, what do you like?"

Al mentally sighed. "Traveling?"

"That's dumb, I'm not putting that in."

"But we travel all the time, I thought-"

"Look, women don't *hic* like travelers. It means you won't be around to buy them stuff and tell them they're skinny."

"Okay."

"Trust me, I know about women."

"I'm sure you do."

Winry's angry letter on the nightstand begged to differ; she didn't appreciate the copy of _Automail Engineering Made Simple for the Delicate Female Mind!_ she had gotten for her birthday from Ed.

"Fine, why don't we skip to the dislikes?" said Ed, energetically typing. "Can you think of any?"

"I don't know where to begin."

"Okay, let's skip to the photo."

"Why would you do that?"

"C'mon, you don't look so bad."

"You said you have nightmares about my face!"

"Well yeah, it's terrifying as sin. But that doesn't mean you won't find a nice girl with a metal fetish."

"Right."

"Alright Al, what if I use a photo of Justin Bieber? That'll get you some attention."

"He looks nothing like me."

"Look, I'm trying my best."

"I never asked you to do this."

"You're gonna thank me when you find a beautiful girl to make out with."

Al stared.

"Oh right," said Ed. "You don't have lips."

Al would cry if he only had tear-ducts.

"Well anyway," said Ed, "here's what I've got so far." He handed Al the laptop, and he read his new dating profile.

**NEW MEMBER PROFILE**

**Name:** Alfonz Elrik

**Status:** male seeking female

**Religious views:** Equivalent Exchange, bitches

**Zodiac Sign: **that fish thing

**Education:** elementary school

**Occupation:** homeless

**Likes:** cats

**Dislikes:** fun

**Hobbies:** collecting cats

**Fav. Food:** I don't eat

**Fav. Fashion:** loincloth

**Fav. Movies:** I don't go to movies because I don't fit in the seats

**Fav. Music:** Polka

**Fav. TV shows:** Jersey Shore, 20/20

**Goal:** to find a body

**About me:** Hi, my name is Al. I grew up in Risembool, Amestris, with my mother and older brother. As a child I always enjoyed studying alchemy and committing unholy sins against it. Life in Risembool was generally simple, running around fields of green and pushing cows over, feeding the ducks and then eating them later, etc. When I was ten, I temporarily left Risemool to spend a horrifying month on an uninhabited island where I learned to make fire and kill small animals with my bare hands. When I came back I was a different person. I can still hear the man with the machete chasing me in my nightmares.

I also enjoy making snowmen in the winters and baking apple pies. I wish I was as awesome as my older brother, Ed, but I'm not because I don't know how to chill. I am seeking a girl who shares my passion for cats and can polish me well.

"Boy, in writing that doesn't look as good as I thought it would," said Ed as he read it from behind Al's shoulder.

"I'm leaving."

"So shall I just post this then?"

"Bye."

* * *

Al left to find the guest bathroom in the lobby. Surely there was a toilet brush he could use to clean off his seal.

It took him a few minutes, but he finally found one in the end stall. He went up to the mirror and braced himself.

Just then, Ed walked in, looking for the bathroom himself. Earlier, the one in their room clogged up because his coat got caught in a flush. He had to hastily remove it lest he get sucked away as well. It has happened several times over the course of the past three years, but Ed was too stubborn to buy shorter coats.

He spotted Al with his helmet off, toilet brush in hand.

Ed shook his head and walked out. "You and your weird, sexual fetishes, Al," he muttered.

Al mentally signed again. He faced the mirror again so he could see what he was doing.

"Dammit Niisan," he said to himself, rigorously scrubbing. "It won't come off. Why did he have to use a Sharpie to draw the seal?"

He decided to go to the local grocery store to pick up some stain removal solution.

* * *

On the way out of the store, he met Roy, who was leaving with a paper bag of his own.

"Colonel Mustang?"

"Oh, fancy meeting you here, Alphonse."

"What are you doing here? I thought you made Lieutenant Hawkeye do all your shopping."

"I do," he said. "But she made me do this. It's punishment or something."

"Why? What did you do? What are you buying?"

"I bought like eight gallons of white-out," said Roy. "Something about writing my name all over the military forms instead of filling them out properly being 'unacceptable.'"

"I see."

"What about you?"

"Me? I'm here buying stain removal."

"Ah. You know, if you're staying at the inn, you could always call for room service to clean the carpet after Fullmetal's been drinking."

Al scratched the back of his head. "…Yeah but I don't want to trouble anyone."

Roy shrugged. "Suit yourself."

* * *

**OMAKE EPILOGUE**

Ed drank the stain removal.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Deep apologies for chapter 11 taking so long ^^''

Anyway, I thought I'd throw in this random deleted scene for the sake of updating and letting readers know that I'm still working on this fic. As of now, I'll try to add omakes whenever a chapter is taking too long to write. Please tell me what you think ^_^

Again, they are not part of the fic: there are currently no dating websites, and Al's seal is still a blood seal.

**ALSO**- I might up the rating to M, just in case I want to be more flexible with the jokes…but I doubt it'll get much more morbid or inappropriate than it already is.


	12. Obligatory Emo Flashback

**Author's Note:** Dude…I JUST came up with another awesome title for this fic!

FullMENTAL Alchemist! Ah, but the first one has already stuck…

I'm very happy that the Omake was a success. I didn't expect to get reviews, let alone 5 or 6 subscriptions ^_^

And now I bring to you chibi!Elrics.

Enjoy and review~

* * *

**Chapter 11:** Obligatory Emo Flashback

_I don't remember him much. _

_In all my memories, I only remember our dad buried in his books, studying. Dad was an alchemist, but he hardly ever spoke to us._

_I also remember him wearing a dress once. Though that might have been a dream._

_Nay, a nightmare._

_Anyway, when he left us without saying goodbye, Mom just smiled and said "it was inevitable" but she would cry when she thought no one was looking. I always tried cheering her up by giving wedgies to Al, but it was to no avail. Not long after, mom died of her broken ankle._

* * *

"Ed! Al!" Trisha Elric found her two sons reading in her husband's old study. "What have I told you about painting Mr. Ferguson's cows with zebra stripes?"

"We wanted it to look like Africa!" said Ed.

"Yeah and Niisan tested the paint, it's not toxic," said Al. "Why is everything orange?" he added.

Trisha face-palmed; she couldn't believe how stupid her two sons were. Then she noticed the drawings on the floor. "Have you been doodling on the floor again?"

"No!" Ed put his hands around the doodle. There was a flash of light, and a toy horse appeared in the middle of a small depression in the floor.

"Whaddya think, Mom?" asked Ed excitedly.

"That hardwood floor was pretty expensive, Edward."

"Yeah but it's alchemy!"

"Change it back."

"Okay okay, sheesh, lemmie finish reading this chapter then," he grabbed a nearby open book and continued studying.

_That's how it started. We wanted to learn alchemy to impress our mom and not make her feel ashamed of her horrible children. We also learned it because we were small for our age and didn't want our neighbors' kids to beat us up anymore. It's hard to beat someone up when they can melt your beloved red bicycle down to a sad, pathetic liquid. Yeah that taught them a lesson._

_What was I talking about?_

* * *

"How tragic," said one of the neighbors at Trisha Elric's funeral, "leaving two orphans."

"It really is," said his wife. "Who would've thought that a broken ankle could lead to gangrene of one's brain?"

"Truly terrible," agreed her husband.

"Where's the husband?" asked his wife.

"How do we contact him?" asked another neighbor.

"How pitiful," said one of the farmers.

"So who's taking them in?" said the man who had first spoken.

"Not me," said the farmer and fourteen other neighbors.

"I'll take them," said Pinako. "Winry could use new playthings."

"We're not toys, Grandma Pinako," piped Ed.

"If toys want to eat then toys should stay quiet."

"Great. Just great."

"I'm sure our lives can't get any worse, Niisan," said Al. "At least we have our health."

* * *

Later that week, Ed and Al sat before their mother's grave again.

"This sucks," said Al.

"It's not so bad," said Ed. "Batman's parents died and then he became filthy rich."

"Neither of our parents were billionaires. Plus Dad's still alive."

"Shit."

"I'm bored, let's go home."

"Let's bring Mom back to life."

"What?"

"Yeah!" Ed stood up. "Those alchemy books talked about homunculi- humans composed of the minds, souls and flesh of living people. We could revive Mom!"

"But the alchemy books said that human transmutation is impossible."

"So let's do Batman instead."

"Maybe we shouldn't."

"No, let's do it."

"Okay."

_We believed wholeheartedly we could bring him to life…We wanted to see his unsmiling face so badly. _

_If only we knew about the consequences of bringing fictional characters to life._

* * *

"Cells 66%, outer cell fluids 24% then cell membranes 10%…"

The Elric brothers were researching human anatomy while bored in math class, their huge Advanced Biology books feebly hidden inside thin Basic 4rth Grade Math textbooks.

"Hey check it out, Al, there's a chapter here on reproduction on page 323."

"Heheh sweet."

"Are you boys paying attention?" asked the teacher from the front of the class, interrupting their vital life lesson.

"Yeah!" said Ed.

"Then what did I just say?"

"You asked us if we were paying attention."

"Oh haha."

"Teacher!" another boy raised a hand. "I think Winry is drunk again."

Winry had indeed snuck alcohol through her juice box. She was currently attempting scoop up a fish from the classroom aquarium using a pencil.

"I'm *hic* Aquaman!"

"If I ever become like that, Al, I want you to shoot me."

"With pleasure, Niisan."

"Detention to all three of you!" said the teacher.

"Hey what did we do?" asked Al.

" You read outside the curriculum!"

"I hate public school," said Ed.

* * *

_Over four hundred years ago, a prosperous country by the name of Xerxes disappeared overnight. Countless myths have been told about it. Some stories say that an incredible, evil force swept through the land and took the people's lives. Others say that God, angered by their freedom and hedonistic ways, smote them from the land. And others say that everyone left after a serious termite infestation. Al and I often lay in bed after working on Batman's transmutation circle, actively discussing what could have happened._

"I think it was probably the termites," said Al. "They're really gross."

"Yeah, probably."

_After that we didn't think anything of it._

_We had forgotten that the buildings of Xerxes were all made of stone._

…

_The author doesn't want to end this part with a serious line, however silly the previous lines were._

_Lalalalala I'm a tuna fish_

* * *

"Hurry! It's raining harder! The banks are gonna flood!"

_It was the worst rainstorm in 60 years._

"We need more sandbags!"

"There's no time, get to higher ground!"

_Most of the men had given up on trying to stall the rising water; they scampered like mice as the river began to overflow. _

"Come, boys!" Grandma Pinako pulled the little Elric brothers away. "Children and water don't mix well." She learned it the hard way, after all; Winry would never know of the uncle who might have been.

Pinako pushed them towards the hill as the water swelled.

_It was then that we saw her._

"Move aside." A pale woman with long, braided hair and a giant of a husband moved forward. With a clap of her hands, there was a flash of light and she created a wall along the riverbank.

The townspeople stared in shock. "Who…who are you?"

She smiled. "Just a passing domestic engineer!"

"Wow, you're amazing!"

"I know. Now hurry up and reinforce that wall," she said, "before it-" suddenly, she put her hand to her mouth and hunched over, as though she were about to be sick.

"Izumi!" Her husband Sig held her by the waist so she wouldn't collapse. "Someone! I need a bed for her!"

"Hey Al, I have an idea," said Ed as they watched from the sidelines.

"What is it, Niisan?"

"We should make her our master! She's obviously an awesome alchemist."

"I don't know, Niisan," said Al. "She looks like she might become ill and die at any moment. I don't want to find a new mother figure and go through all that trauma again. I'm fragile."

"It'll be fine, Al."

"How do you know?"

"Just keep swimming."

"That's not a good answer."

"No, that's not what I meant. The flood barrier broke, you're drowning."

"FFFFUUUUUU-"

* * *

"…So you're just travelers from the south? Wow, I thought you two were state alchemists or something."

The Risembool residents had gotten Izumi to a bed. They were so isolated and curious about the outside world that heckling an ill woman made no-nevermind to them.

"Oh, no no no!" said Izumi, who liked the attention all the same. "We're just a humble couple from Dublith who own a simple butcher shop, nothing more!"

The Elric brothers walked up to her.

"Adopt us."

"No, I hate children."

"Please?"

"No."

"We'll be your slaves."

"…Fine."

"YAY!"

"But you will sleep in the shack."

"Honey," said Sig, "we don't own a shack."

"We'll make them build one for themselves, darling."

"Okay, good idea."

"Hold on," said Ed. "Before we commit to being your slaves, we wanna make one thing clear; we want to learn alchemy from you!"

"Oh that's what I need on top of my butcher shop duties. To teach two bratty strangers all of my secret techniques. Sure yeah no I'll totally do it."

* * *

The two brothers were never great at detecting sarcasm.

Thus, Izumi found herself stuck on a train with the two most annoying kids ever.

"This one time, at band camp," said Ed, "I ate three whole 16-ounce steaks!"

"Niisan, that wasn't band camp, that was Ferguson's farm, and it doesn't count because you didn't eat anything you just bit his cows-"

"-you mean _zebras_, I bit his _zebras-_"

"-what you use to paint them like that, anyway? I still see orange-"

"-really? Do I look good in orange?-"

"-you look like an Oompa Loompa-"

"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT IT!"

Izumi sat there fuming next to them (Sig, who needed a whole row to himself, sat across from them). She then decided that, if she was going to be their master, she would have to discipline them in the most extreme way possible.

"When we get there, I'll be conducting an exam to test your intelligence and skills," she said.

"Will it be like a pop quiz?" asked Ed.

"Do we need scantrons?" asked Al.

Ed raised his hand. "Teacher! Teacher! I forgot my number 2 pencil!"

"I'm going to kill these children," muttered Izumi.

_We were so hopeful and full of life back then…Now that we had gotten a new teacher to educate us in the ways of alchemy, we thought nothing the world could stop us._

_We also still thought that Santa Claus existed. It wasn't long after we met her that Teacher ruined it for us. Al still cries about it sometimes._

_Mentally, anyway._

* * *

**Author's Note:** This was gonna be a much longer flashback, but it ended up way too long and I would've needed more time ^_^' So I'm breaking up the flashback into three chapters or so.

ANYVAYS- I've recently updated my profile a bit because it barely had anything on there…sooooo if you're ridiculously bored and have three minutes to kill, you can check it out :D


	13. Obligatory Emo Flashback Part 2

**Author's Note: **I think I'm obsessed with the word "lol." I don't pronounce it "L-O-L," but I say "lawl."

Fullmetal Lawl.

…

On with the flashback, I say!

* * *

**Chapter 12:** Obligatory Emo Flashback Part 2

By the time they got off the train at Dublith, Izumi wanted nothing more than to dump them off at the nearest orphanage and then go drinking. But, a promise is was a promise. Thus she proceeded to take them to her designated "testing grounds."

"Welcome to Lake Kauroy, Dublith's landmark!" she said, leading them to a small boat.

"Wow, a lake!" said Al.

"Do you think the League of Doom lives there?" asked Ed excitedly.

"Hurry up and get on the boat," said Izumi, indicating a boat with a certain man on board who would row them to their destination.

"I'M ON A BOAT I'M ON A BOAT!"

"Aw, how cute," she told Sig as the boys stumbled into the boat, "they think it's gonna be fun."

"Just like I thought marriage would be fun," muttered Sig.

"What was that, dear?"

"Nothing, sweetums, nothing."

The Elric brothers sang "I'M ON A BOAT" all the way to the island; Sig had to hold Izumi by the shoulders to prevent her from throwing them off.

* * *

They had arrived at the island smack in the middle of the huge lake. The boys looked around; there was nothing but jungle all around them, the leafy trees blocking out the sun, the sounds of cicada and crickets vibrating the air, and the moist dirt already ruining their sneakers.

"This is Jack Island," said Izumi. "A no-man's land. It is devoid of any buildings, wells, or electricity. There are wild beasts everywhere and there's no way of getting off without a boat."

"Cool," said Ed.

"So why are we here?" asked Al.

"You have to stay here for one month."

"Oh awesome," said Ed. "So will you be making us a bungalow or are we provided one?"

"You will be here without me for one month."

"Oh I get it," said Al. "Sig's staying with us then."

"I don't think you understand. You will live here. On this island. For thirty days. Alone."

"Soooooooo we'll transmute our own bungalow but you're leaving us some food."

"Nope."

Ed stared. "I don't get it."

"I am dumping you on this island for thirty days. I will not be giving you food or shelter. As part of your training, you will do this alone and without any outside assistance." Somewhere, the violent screech of an animal being consumed by a man-eating plant penetrated the air.

Comprehension slowly dawned on the boys.

"You can't be serious," said Al.

"Oh I am very serious." She pulled something out of her bag and threw it at Ed's feet. "Here, you can use that."

Ed picked it up. It was an electric mixer.

"What the hell do I do with it?"

"Use it."

"I can't even turn it on."

"Also, you are forbidden to use alchemy."

"WHAT?"

"And you can't kill any of the wildlife here, it's illegal."

"Then what are we supposed to eat?"

"If you survive after thirty days and figure out the following, you can be my students. If not, I'll send you home in nice body bags, how does that sound?"

"Do you enjoy tormenting small children?"

"'All is One, One is All.' Find out what that means by the time I get back."

"Get back from where?"

"The spa."

"You're leaving us here so you can go to the spa?"

"Not for the spa, no. For the thirty-day cruise."

"We already hate you."

"The cruise where I will have my spa."

"We really, really hate you."

"Don't forget: 'All is One, One is All.'"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Figure it out. Bye now!"

* * *

As the brothers watched Izumi and Sid sail off into the sunset, it seemed as though they were tiny, lonely, helpless things, like two unattended babies at an airport.

"Niisan," said Al, "maybe we should have taken Mom more seriously when she told us about not following strangers home."

"Ah, don't worry, Al, this'll be a piece of cake!"

"Niisan, you couldn't even survive ten minutes in that tent in our backyard that one night."

"There was a fire ant, okay?" Ed crossed his arms and pouted. "I freaked out." The man-eating plant from afar swallowed the remains of its meal and belched loudly. He let his arms flop to his sides. "We're gonna die, aren't we?"

"Yep."

* * *

{INSERT GENERIC "LOST" JOKE HERE}

* * *

"I'm hungry," said Al. The sun was beginning to set, and the brothers were far from prepared for the night.

Ed stared at the electric mixer on the ground. "Do you think we could use that as fish bait?"

"No." Al sat down and put his head on his hands. "What are we gonna do?"

"Let's scope the island, maybe we'll find something."

"Okay."

* * *

Find something, they did; they found a clearing where they could sleep and make a fire. They found a stable place on the rocky shore from which they could fish. They found a tree with large leaves they could use to build shelter.

They even found out where they could use the bathroom. Not long after, they found out why scorpions made a poor substitute for toilet paper.

They tested several plants as well; they could have learned about which plants were safe to eat from observing animals, but they didn't think like that and tried eating every animal that came their way.

They found flowers with edible nectar, some herbs, and some interesting berries.

One type of bright red berry was delicious and satisfying. Another type of bright red berry gave them vivid hallucinations; Al thought the ground was lava and was rolling around, screaming in it. Ed believed he was Cleopatra.

They decided to stay away from the bright red berries altogether.

Later, they successfully trapped and killed a rabbit. They could have cooked and eaten it then and there but, again, they weren't great thinkers. So they used its meat as bait and caught a couple of three-inch-long minnows.

* * *

Proud of their achievements thus far on the island, the Elric brothers lay under the emerging stars, their freshly-caught tiny fish sizzling in the fire.

"You know what? This isn't half bad," said Al.

"It's kinda nice actually, being away from civilization," said Ed.

"Yeah."

"Relaxing, even. I bet we're gonna find out loads of things about ourselves!"

"And after this, we'll be trained to be the best alchemists ever!"

"That's the spirit, Al!"

A few minutes passed, the gentle breeze caressing their faces.

"Hey Niisan."

"Hm?"

"I don't mean to be picky, but…"

"Yeah?"

"In the manga version of this, wasn't there a masked, crazed lunatic stuck on this island with us?"

"Oh yeah, I wonder what happened with that-"

"KILL ALL INTERLOPERS!" screeched a masked, crazed lunatic, bursting out of the bushes and waving a machete around.

"AHHHHHH!" the two boys ran for their lives, wetting themselves in the process.

* * *

At the cruise, Izumi was undergoing a facial and having her nails done, while Sig was getting a massage.

"Do you think the boys are alright?" asked Sig.

"Yeah, they're fine," responded his relaxing wife.

"What if they starve to death?"

"Who cares? They're orphans, we're not liable."

"Hm."

A few minutes passed, Sig's masseuse getting carpel tunnel from massaging such a vast expanse of back area.

"Besides, it's nothing compared to the training I went through," continued Izumi as the man doing her nails proceeded to her feet. "I had to walk through the perfume department at Bloomingdale's three times."

"I told you not to mention that, that's horrendous."

"Sorry, darling. Anyway, they'll be fine."

"Why did you decide to train them like this again?"

"Experience is the best training for alchemy. Besides, we're bringing them to a butcher shop. It's better if they figure out how to gut animals themselves, I don't feel like teaching them that."

* * *

Night fell. The boys hid behind a tree, terrified of becoming Elric-kabobs. They feared their rumbling stomachs would give them away (the man had eaten their minnows).

"I can't believe that evil old hag," whispered Ed. "What does that stupid riddle mean? How the hell is this alchemy training?"

"Niisan, I'm scared. Is he gonna eat us?"

Ed stuck his head out around the tree to see if the masked man was there. "Probably," he said. "Sheesh I hope he eats you first."

"Thanks, Niisan."

"What? It'll spare you from watching your beloved older brother being eaten. Gosh quit being so selfish."

"Niisan, you're an id-"

"THIS IS MY ISLAND!" The masked man found them behind the tree.

"AHHHH!"

"BUGABUGABUGA!" He proceeded to beat them up for no reason.

* * *

_The masked man continued to terrorize us. So much of our effort was spent towards avoiding him that we often went without food or sleep. It seemed endless; even if we did survive his beatings and the starvation, everything would be in vain if we didn't figure out "All is One, One is All." It was during one of our routine beatings that I finally figured it out._

Ed, beaten and soaked in rain, lay in the mud as the masked man lifted Al up by the scruff of his neck.

"AHHH PLEASE DON'T EAT ME! I TASTE LIKE HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOOD!"

Fighting the urge to pass out, Ed's eyes wandered to the vivid red hallucinogenic berries from earlier; he remembered the sense of empowerment he had gotten when he thought he was Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, Heartbreaker of Egypt. Then he thought about "All is One, One is All," and suddenly it dawned on him. He knew what to do next.

He took a handful of the berries and swallowed them.

The result was instantaneous; his intoxicated blood stream flowed through him like spinach through Popeye.

Edward slammed his fist on the ground, stood up, picked up the electric mixer, and aimed it at the man.

"Put my brother down," he snarled.

The man grimaced. He hated electric mixers…he had grown up in a bakery and the sound haunted him. He dropped Al and slouched away.

"You okay, Al?"

"Niisan- that was great!"

"It was, wasn't it?" Ed stood there, the feeling of being awesome washing over him. "You know what, Al? I think that from now on I'm gonna do things while inebriated."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Niisan, just because it worked once, doesn't mean you should put yourself under the influence every time you want something done."

Ed wasn't listening; he was looking at the sandwich that had just walked up to him.

"_Hello there!"_ it squealed, smiling up at him.

Ed tilted his head curiously, drooling slightly. "Hi there, Mr. Sandwich."

"Huh?" Al looked around to see what Ed could have been talking about, but saw nothing.

"_If you catch me you can eat me! Teehee!~_" continued the sandwich. It ran away, squeaking as each bready foot touched the ground.

"Hey come back!" Ed chased it, giggling all the way.

"_Catch me!_"

"I have a bad feeling that this is the beginning of something horrible," said Al. He decided to hide the rest of the hallucinogenic berries.

* * *

What felt like a week later, the two boys huddled around the fire in their clearing, feeling hungry, cold, and miserable.

"Hey Niisan?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we still exist in some form or another after we die?"

"We'll exist as corpses, if that's what you mean."

"That's really depressing."

"It's not so terrible," said Ed. "At least those baby foxes might get to eat us."

"Niisan…we ate those baby foxes ages ago…"

"Oh yeah."

"Niisan, why do you suppose that man is so intent on killing us?"

"I guess blondes aren't so popular, Al."

"I'm being serious."

"So am I."

"Look, I don't think we can survive here much longer. Why don't we build ourselves a raft and paddle back to the mainland? This lake is surrounded by land, it's not like we'll be lost at sea or anything."

"We _could_ build a raft, Al," said Ed, "but that would require work."

"Urgh, let's not build a raft."

"Yeah, let's not."

* * *

When Izumi Curtis finally returned for her students, it wasn't a minute to soon; she spotted them splayed in their clearing.

"…so…hungry…" said Al, panting on the ground.

"I'll… drink…anything…" said Ed, "…even milk…"

"Um," said Izumi.

"TEACHER!" They pounced on her feet.

"That was horrible!" cried Al.

"We almost died!" wailed Ed.

"There was a crazy man-"

"Boys-"

"And he called us interlopers and tried to kill us-"

"Boys!"

"And Niisan ate those special berries and now he's an addict-"

"BOYS!" They both shut up. Izumi looked incredulously at the both of them, her arms on her hips. "I was only gone for like two hours."

They stared at her.

"What?" asked Ed.

"Yep. You've been here two hours."

"But…you said it would be thirty days…"

"The cruise was cancelled," explained Izumi. "It turns out Dublith is landlocked."

"…"

"Which makes the tent and the fire all the more impressive."

"…"

"Anyway, did you figure it out?"

Ed and Al looked at each other, nodded, and looked back up at her.

"'All is Well, and I am The One.'"

Izumi stared. "Wow."

"Did we get it right?"

"No."

"Is it All plus One equals Two?"

"No."

"Is it All is One, but Diamonds are Forever?"

"No."

"Is it-"

"Omg just shut up, you can be my students, alright?"

"YAY!"

"Ew, stop hugging me!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Get on the boat."

"I'M ON A-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Kay."

Just as the boys hopped on the boat, the masked man jumped on with them.

"GYAAHHHH!" They hugged each other and wet themselves again.

"Oh, quit whining, that's just Mr. Mason."

"Who?"

"He works at the butcher shop with us."

The man took off the mask to reveal a smiling, jovial face. "Hey boys! Remember me? I took all you guys to the island!"

"That was you?"

"Yep."

"But…you tried to kill us…"

"Yeah, I know. It was fun."

Ed narrowed his eyes at him and opened his mouth to speak.

"-Well anyway," interrupted Izumi, "now that your test is over, the real training can begin."

At a loss for words, all Ed could say was "Pfffft."

"Holy crap, what an obnoxious sound," said Al. "Please don't ever do that again."

"That's what you get for hiding my berries," said Ed. "The ones I had wore off and I never got to eat Mr. Sandwich."

Izumi would never know of the disturbing problems she had started.

* * *

_And so our training began, changing our lives forever. Our master was a fair master, though she had lied and told us her butcher shop was a small pet store. We had already started naming the animals. Poor Porkie, I'll never forget you._

* * *

**Author's Note: **…I stole the perfume department joke from Spongebob.

Anyway, it always bothered me that they left crazy masked Mr. Mason out of the new anime!

Dx

In other news, chapter 13 is going to be the longest in this fic thus far. I want to move through the flashbacks quickly, therefore I'm ending them there. Chapter 13 will also be ten times funnier than this chapter (hopefully).

Please share your thoughts :)


	14. Enough With The Flashbacks, Already

**Author's Note:** Is it me, or is there a lot of orphan-abuse in this fic? First Paninya, then the Elrics…lol I am truly diabolical…

Anyway, I later realized that it's "One is All, All is One," not "All is One, One is All." I'm too lazy to correct it.

Furthermore, I changed the line "Not long after, they discovered why poison ivy was a poor substitute for toilet paper." I've replaced "poison ivy" with "scorpions," since poison ivy is redundant :P

By the way, was that "Mr. Sandwich" part funny, or was it pointless? Because I wasn't sure… :/

* * *

**Chapter 13:** Enough With The Flashbacks, Already

"_Once you understand the foundation of alchemy_," said Izumi, reading aloud from her book as she sparred with her new apprentices, "_you understand its flow and can thus manipulate it._"

They came at her with a series of punches and kicks, but she was too quick for them. She dodged their attacks in fluid movements, almost like a dancer. "_The art of alchemy is like the art of cooking; the circles are like the recipes; the pre-transmuted compounds are the ingredients. And, most importantly of all, the act of creation itself is best done wearing an apron, lest you ruin your dainty outfit._"

Izumi slammed the book shut and read the title, giving Al a round-house kick as she did so.

"_Alchemy Made Simple for the Delicate Female Mind!_...Wow. That's what I get for shopping at discount stores." She threw the book at Ed's head. "So boys, did you learn anything?"

"…Uh, never buy at discount stores?" asked Ed, rubbing his head.

"Hm. Yes, I suppose that's true, but what else?"

"You can use alchemy's flow to your advantage? Like, using an enemy's energy against him?"

"Very good, Al!" said Izumi. "You get to eat dinner today!"

"Urgh, again?" exclaimed Ed. "I don't think your system of rewarding with food is very efficient!"

"I don't care what you think," said Izumi. "It's not my fault you're just not getting this."

"I haven't eaten in three days. My stomach is growling too loud for me to think."

"You will get to eat when you earn it."

"How do you expect us to listen to lectures and spar with you at once?"

"I don't know, but it saves time."

"By the way, Teacher," said Al, "how is it that you can transmute like that? I get that the clapping thing is the circle, but where's the formula?"

A dark look rested on Izumi's face.

"I am the formula," she said.

"Whoa, really?" asked Al.

"So how do you become the formula?" asked Ed.

Izumi closed her eyes and spoke slowly, as though choosing her words carefully. "One can only do it when one gains true knowledge."

"Oh I see," said Ed. "So we have to wait til puberty?"

Izumi resisted the urge to slap him. "Have you been drinking my vanilla extract to get drunk again?"

"No," said Ed. "*hic*" he added.

"Knock it off! I need that for when you graduate to desserts."

"You're gonna make us compete for desserts as well?"

"Oh no, of course not," she said. "I'm gonna make you watch me eat dessert as punishment."

"Dinner's almost ready!" said Sig from the window.

"Oh, good," said Izumi. She looked at the boys. "Anyhow, never try bringing fictional characters to life."

"Why?" asked Ed.

"Because it's a sin against nature itself."

"Why is it a sin against nature?" asked Al.

"Because fictional characters were never meant to exist. If you commit a sin against nature and interrupt the energetic flow of the universe, who knows what could happen."

"But 'Jersey Shore' is a sin against nature, and the universe is fine."

"Is it, Edward?" asked Izumi. "Is it?"

Ed thought about it for a moment. "Are you suggesting that natural disasters and disease happen because nature is angry at 'Jersey Shore?'"

"I'm not saying that isn't the case."

"Hm."

"I mean it! No bringing fictional characters to life!"

"Kay."

"Now go study in your shack until Sig's done with dinner."

"Yes, ma'am." They returned to their crappily-made shack, which was put together with several old cereal boxes and a tobacco pipe.

_Training with teacher was never easy. Even though we were young, she expected us to go past our limits every day. With time, our bodies and minds grew stronger, and we became more confident and resolute in our decision. But, we didn't listen to her warnings about not bringing fictional characters to life. Well Al did, but seriously, who listens to him?_

* * *

_It was nearly sunset. The last of the cicadas were quieting, and there was an unreal stillness in the air. There were a lot of crows, too, so we should have taken that as a bad omen- bad things always happen in anime when there are crows around._

"I have the last of the ingredients, Niisan!" said Al, pouring a vial of something in the center of the complex circle on the floor. Ed was at the edge of it, completing the last few touches.

"Done!" said Ed after a few seconds. "Water, 35 liters, carbon, 20 kilograms, ammonia, 4 liters, lime, 1.5 kilograms (*blah blah author being lazy blah*), and trace amounts of 15 other elements…Now the only thing we need is the equivalent of a soul."

"Does Batman need a soul if he's a fictional character, Niisan?"

"Of course!" Ed rummaged through a nearby drawer and took something out of it. "Everything has a soul. I figure that with fictional characters, their souls can be found within their fans!"

"Niisan, what are you doing with that knife?"

"Close your eyes, Al."

* * *

A trip to the hospital and several stitches later, the two boys stood at the edge of the circle.

"Sorry about that, Al," said Ed. "That's probably why Mom always warned us against leaving toys all over the floor. That's how she tripped and broke her ankle."

"It's okay, Niisan," said Al, even though it wasn't. "At least we have the blood we need." He kneeled down.

"Don't worry, Al." Ed kneeled down near him. "When we bring Batman to life, he'll have all the answers."

"I sure hope so," said Al. "Hey Niisan?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you gonna say to him?"

Ed thought for a second. "I'm gonna ask him if we can live in his mansion and be his new sidekicks."

"Awesome."

They looked at each other, nodded, then put their hands down and activated the circle. Immediately, the air crackled and the room lit up.

"It's working!" yelled Ed over the sound of energy flowing through the circle and their bodies.

"Niisan!"

"What is it, Al?"

"Am I supposed to be dissolving?"

"Huh?" Ed turned to his right to see his younger brother literally crumbling into pieces. "Oh I'm sure that's just a side effect!"

"NIIIIIISAAAAAN!"

* * *

"Eh?"

Ed found himself in the most bizarre place he could have ever imagined.

He was surrounded by white infinite space on all sides, and there was a large, floating door behind him.

"Where am I? What was I doing? Al? Where are you?"

"S'up fool."

Ed wasn't alone. Before him stood a figure.

"Kanye West?" asked Ed.

"I am Kanye West," replied the figure. "I am also what you humans refer to as the world. In other words the universe, in other words God, in other words true knowledge, in other words All, in other words One. And-" he pointed its finger at Ed- "I am You."

"Dude you are so creepy."

"I'm gonna screw with your mind so bad you're gonna think you're a wet nurse for the next two weeks."

"What?"

The door behind Ed blasted open; thirty or forty multi-colored wires and cables wrapped themselves around him and dragged him into the darkness inside as the doors closed on him.

"AAAAAAHHHH!"

"Quit bitching. This is what you wanted, isn't it? True knowledge."

"AAAARRGGHH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Ed found himself being sucked through what felt like reels of knowledge- time, history, evolution, war, biology, the memories of his life, the Starbucks secret recipes - all of it being crammed into his mind.

_I felt like my head was gonna split. So much information was being shoved into it…_ _But, I finally understood true knowledge._

_And it wasn't puberty at all._

But before his absorption of true knowledge was complete, the doors slammed shut again with him at the outside of it this time.

"How was it?"

"Amazing!" said Ed. "I saw Batman! Can I do it again?"

"Nah. I'll be taking your leg now."

"Shit."

* * *

After wrapping a tourniquet around his thigh a few minutes later, Ed grabbed a drink and lay back for a few moments. He then looked at the pulsating, bloody flesh-ball he had created at the center of the circle, and decided to declare the whole thing as "a temporary setback."

"I guess we need to go back to the *hic* drawing board, huh Al?...Al?"

He looked around.

"Oh that's right, he disintegrated."

* * *

"Finally," said Ed, after erasing the 15th happy face he had made and drawing the proper blood seal. He had chosen to put Al's soul in the suit of armor that Ed often had nightmares about. In his drunken state, it seemed like a good idea to make it less scary.

Ed clapped his hands and once more brought himself back before the gate.

"I need my *hic* brother back, please," he said, "he's the only one who can reach the third level of the fridge."

"Fool," said Kanye West/the world/the universe/God/true knowledge/All/One/Ed. "Back for more? What will you sacrifice next?"

"I'll give you my *hic* appendix?"

"Nice try."

* * *

"…So that's what happened, Ed?" asked Pinako, as she stitched Ed up. Al was sitting in a corner, relishing the fact that no one at school would have the balls to bully him or beat him up ever again.

"Yeah," he panted. "He didn't take my appendix, thank goodness."

"But he took your arm," said Pinako.

"I know."

"Do you even know what an appendix does?"

"Don't I need it to filter alcohol out of my blood?"

"No, that's the femur."

"I'm pretty sure it's not the femur. Aren't you an automail doctor?"

"And didn't you study human biology before attempting that transmutation?"

"Touché."

"Not to mention you tied the tourniquet around the wrong leg."

"Shit, that's why I felt like passing out."

"Niisan," said Al, "why did you put me in this armored body again?"

"Er…you were disfigured horribly, remember? It's nothing some plastic surgery can't fix."

"I don't mind, as long as I have my health," said Al. "Plus the armor is really cool. It's super comfortable, too."

"Yeah…'comfortable'…"

* * *

Several days later, a horse buggy rolled through the dirt road and green fields, the sun shining over Risembool as though nothing out of the ordinary had ever happened there.

"So you guys are so understaffed that you've physically come out here to recruit two minors into the military?"

"Yep, that's right," said Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang, as he and Second Lieutenant Liza Hawkeye struggled not to puke on the bumpy ride.

"Well don't expect too much of it," said the driver. "Those two may be child geniuses but they're still dumb as doorknobs."

* * *

At the Elric residence, no one answered the door.

"Let's go around the back and sneak in," suggested Roy.

"Sir, isn't that breaking and entering-"

"I did not miss a Justin Bieber concert to come all the way out here and leave empty-handed. Come on, Second Lieutenant, let's go recruit those minors!"

"Yes, sir."

Of course, when they walked into the room at the back of the house, they didn't find any minors at all. They found what looked like a crude, home-made laboratory, with chemical beakers, things in jars, and blood-spattered walls, as well as a large circle in the center of the floor.

Liza thought she might be sick. "What do you make of this, Lieutenant Colonel?"

Roy picked up a broken beaker and stared intently at it. "Clearly, they either tried to bring a fictional character to life and it went horribly wrong, or they made a meth lab and it went horribly wrong."

"I see."

"Either way it means they're very talented alchemists and we should totally recruit them."

"Sir, don't you mean arrest-"

"There's a house nearby, let's see if they're in there."

"Very well, sir."

* * *

"Be quiet, Den!" said Pinako as she opened her door to let the guests in. "Can I help yo-"

Roy burst inside, looking around.

"Finally!" exclaimed Pinako. "It's about time that mail-order husband from Xing arrived here!"

"…right. We're looking for the Elric brothers, are they here by any chance?"

"They're over there."

Roy spotted Ed in the wheelchair and Al the armor. He walked over and lifted Ed by the shirt. "I was just at your house! What was that mess? What the hell did you make?"

"I tried to *hic* make Batman," said Ed.

"Are you gonna arrest him?" asked Al hopefully.

"No," said Roy, calming down and putting Ed back in his seat. "I'm here to convince you to join the army."

The last thing Al wanted was more drama in his life. "No that's okay, we're not intere-"

"Go on," said Ed.

* * *

"Research funding…access to secret documents …the country's research data and technology…discounts at Subway…all of this will be at your disposal. You will get these privileges if you become National State Alchemists. However, in return you are bound to obey military orders." Roy glanced across the table at Al. "But with access to information that average people can't get, you may be able to find something that would help you return to normal."

"Gee, I don't know," said Ed, thinking.

"Also, you'd be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the Youngest National State Alchemists Ever."

"We'll do it."

"Niisan, we shouldn't just jump into this because-"

"What makes you think these kids are skilled enough for national qualification , Lt. Col. Mustang?" asked Pinako.

"They tried bringing Batman to life and didn't die, that's pretty impressive. We have an officer at East City who lost his mind during some failed transmutation, but he's a very talented alchemist. I think his name is Kimberly or something. But anyway he's in jail now. What was I talking about?"

"You were saying about how they're skilled alchemists because they made a repugnant blob of semi-living flesh."

"Oh yes... If these kids have strong wills, they will decide for themselves and go towards that path. Even of that path is a muddy river. A muddy river lined with explosives and full of flesh-eating bass."

"What?"

* * *

In other room, Winry offered Liza some tea. It was fairly early in the morning, thus Winry was sober for this scene.

"Thank you," said Liza.

"You're welcome." Winry sat down near her. "Um, miss-?"

"Call me Hawkeye. Liza Hawkeye."

"Liza, have you ever shot anyone before?"

"Yep."

"I don't like soldiers."

"You're not too great with house guests, are you?"

"You see, my parents were both Alcoholics Anonymous counselors," explained Winry. "They were taken to Ishbal and killed, and now that mean smelly man wants to take Ed and Al away too. I don't want them to become part of the military. Please don't take them away."

"The military won't take them away. It will be their choice whether they want to come or not. To tell you the truth, sometimes I don't like the military either, because they force me to take lives."

"Then why are you in the military?"

"I don't know."

In fact, Liza Hawkeye had had an excellent reason for joining the military, but her mind has long since deteriorated due to constant exposure to incompetence. She couldn't remember it anymore.

* * *

"Mrs. Rockbell, I'm not trying to force them to do anything."

"Please take them away," said Pinako. "I can't stand having another drunken child plus that one who sounds like a broken dryer full of nails every time he moves. You can take the girl, too. And the dog."

"Um, I'm really not-"

"Take me away too."

"No."

"You're very good-looking."

"I'm not taking you away."

Pinako pouted.

"Well anyway," Roy got up to leave. "It's up to you guys. If you decide to join up, come see me at the East City Headquarters."

"Will there be free beverages?" asked Ed.

"No."

Roy exited to the next room where Liza and Winry were sitting.

"Come, Second Lieutenant. Let's go. That tiny old lady keeps humping my leg."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

On the way back to the station, Liza and Roy spoke about the Elrics' predicament.

"Do you think they'll join, sir?"

"Yep," said Roy. "Nothing beats discounts at Subway."

"Are you sure? That Edward kid's eyes looked pretty dead."

"How would you look all the time if you shared a name with the one character responsible for ruining vampires for everyone, Second Lieutenant? It's not pleasant."

"Good point, sir."

* * *

Back at the Rockbell residence, Ed and Al were discussing the possibilities of the army.

"Maybe we should do it, Niisan. You might find a way to fix my disfigured body so I can take this armor off."

"Right…'disfigured' body…"

"And you could fix your missing limbs."

"Uh-huh."

"Poor Niisan, I'd be devastated if I had lost parts of my body."

"Hey listen, Al, about that…"

* * *

"So how long will *hic* recovery and rehabilitation take?" asked a black-eyed Ed later as Pinako prepped him for the first of many automail-related surgeries.

"About three months," she said.

"One year!" said Ed.

"…Right."

* * *

**One Year Later**

The Elric brothers were in the Rockbell's front yard, sparring.

"It looks like the automail parts are working well," said Al.

"I dunno," said Ed, taking a breather. "These limbs aren't as cool as I thought they'd be. I was hoping for like laser cannons and an M&M dispenser and stuff."

"On your budget? You're lucky they're not made of plastic, Niisan."

"Actually, Winry told me they're made from 37% post-consumer plastic, and the rest is pretty much recycled soda cans."

"…I see."

"Here, let's keep sparr- OW!" Winry had thrown a glass bottle at him from her usual throwing-place on the balcony. "What the hell was that for?"

"When do you plan on *hic* paying me back for those limbs, Ed?"

"Lemmie get a job first! Sheesh!"

"Niisan, can you still perform alchemy? You haven't done it since you transmuted my soul."

"Pfffft of course I can," he clapped his hands together and changed Al into a vending machine. "Hey sweet! I can do it without a circle now!"

"I hate my life," said vending-machine-Al.

"What, you can't do it either?"

"No."

"You didn't see the Kanye West- thing?"

"No."

"That's odd-"

"CHANGE ME BACK, IDIOT!"

"Okay okay sheesh." He changed him back. "You know, you need to learn to chill."

"I never want you to transmute me again."

"No promises."

_And so we trained for our National State Alchemist exams. It was only after weeks of intense study that I reminded Al he shouldn't bother with the test, as he was sure to fail the medical evaluation._

_He took out his anger on me by braiding my hair so I would look like a girl. My right automail arm isn't sophisticated enough to undo the strands._

* * *

A week later, the Elrics traveled to East City to meet Roy Mustang, who had been promoted to Colonel.

"So who did you bribe?" asked Ed upon hearing of Mustang's new rank.

"No one," said Roy, "we're just understaffed. If you're lucky you'll be a Lieutenant Colonel too in a couple of months."

"I'm twelve."

"Yessiree, with hard work you can do anything regardless of age," said Roy, zoning out for a few seconds as he had visions of himself as Fuhrer at age twenty-five, surrounded by a harem of beautiful women in tiny miniskirts.

"You're twenty-nine right now, sir," said Lieutenant Hawkeye.

"How did you know what I was thinking?" asked Roy, impressed.

"You fall into patterns, sir."

"Really? How so?"

"Um," said Ed, not wanting to hear any more of this, "so shouldn't we be heading to the test site or something?"

"Oh, yes of course," said Roy. "We have to head to Central."

"Central?" asked Al. "Then why did you make us stop here?"

"I figured it'd be cheaper if I had two extra people to split the train fare with."

"They…charge by the person," said Al.

Roy turned to Liza. "Why didn't you tell me that, Lieutenant?"

"I did, sir. You don't listen."

* * *

"It's quite rare for you to come look at an examination in person, Your Excellency," said King Bradley's assistant, Philip. His name was Philip because the author doesn't feel like calling him "King Bradley's assistant" every five seconds. Also, she likes that name.

"Oh I had to, when I heard that a twelve-year-old wanted to take the test," responded Bradley. The both of them were walking through Central's HQ's hallway, on the way to Ed's practical examination.

"There sure are some crazy kids out there, huh?" said Philip.

"It doesn't matter. As long as there are talented ones, we will welcome them."

"What about the Masturbating Alchemist, sir?"

"Oh, he's a fine alchemist. I just take care to avoid looking him in the eyes and shaking his hand."

"Right, Your Excellency."

They walked into the large room where they saw Ed and several other officers, including Roy at…at some random indoor- balcony thing.

"Hm? A metal arm?" Bradley asked Ed curiously.

"Oh, this?" said Ed.

"If I may ask, how did that happen?"

"I, er, lost it," said Ed, "in a fight. With a manatee," he added.

"I see. Well then let's get started." Bradley walked to the other side of the room and stood before Ed and everyone.

Ed looked at Philip, who was standing next to him. "Psssst! Who is that guy?"

"Huh?"

"That guy over there with the moustache. Who is he?"

"That's Fuhrer King Bradley."

"Who?"

"The highest ranking military officer? The leader of this country? Seriously kid, did you go to public school or something?"

"I dropped out."

"I can see that."

"I'm growing old over here," said Bradley loudly from across the room.

"Right, Your Excellency!" Philip turned to Ed. "There's no need to be anxious, just be calm…Now, do you have any writing tools for the examination?"

"Nah, don't need one."

And to the shock of everyone, he performed the transmutation circle-free, pulling out a large spear from the ground.

King Bradley smiled. "That's pretty interesting," he said. Out of nowhere, Ed charged at him with the spear.

"Your Excellency!"

Ed stopped, his spear a foot from Bradley's face as half a dozen men surrounded him with guns.

"Assassinations could happen just like that, sir," said Ed. "Shouldn't you reconsider this method of examination?"

Bradley gestured for the men to lower their guns. "Hm, you're right, I'll rethink it."

"You disrespectful little shit!" said Philip, pointing at Ed. "Disqualified! Disqualified!"

"Crap, I should have done this sober."

"Don't decide that on your own, Phil," said Bradley. "Didn't he do well on the written test and the psychological exam?"

"Written test yes, but-"

"From what I've seen, his skills are impressive and he's got guts. He just doesn't know how big the world is."

There was silence. Bradley cleared his throat. "I _said_, he just doesn't know how big the world is!"

The tip of Ed's spear fell off.

"There we go." Bradley walked away.

Ed looked down at his dejected spear. "Was I just circumcised?"

"Just wait for the announcement of your results," said Bradley at the door. Ed noticed a chainsaw in his hand.

"When did he pull that out?"

* * *

"That was interesting to watch," said Roy as he, Liza, Ed, and Al were walking across the courtyard outside of HQ.

"It was fun," said Ed. "I almost killed someone"

"You're lucky you're not in jail after aiming a blade at the Fuhrer. Anyhow, when you're approved, you'll be part of the military. But you'll have your title revoked if you show any disloyalty to the Fuhrer, so be careful."

"But when I pointed the spear at the Fuhrer, you yourself didn't react or do anything at all," said Ed. "You just sat there, giggling."

"I was busy imagining myself with my miniskirt harem again," said Roy. "I was eleven this time. Besides, if you'd killed him, a higher rank position would have made available."

"Colonel," said Liza, "at least pretend to be a loyal subord-"

"Dude!" said Ed, realizing what Roy had implied. "I could blackmail you for that, you know!"

"You're not smart enough to even know what blackmail is."

"Is it painting mail black?"

"You're an idiot. At any rate, you're the one who should be worried. The three major rules that a National Alchemist t must follow are, 'Don't transmute fictional characters, Don't create gold, and Swear loyalty to the army.' You already violated one."

"I only used that gold to buy volcano insurance."

"Make that two. Anyway, if they find out about the attempted transmutation and your brother, they'll probably take him to a lab as an interesting alchemy product. Do you understand? You're getting a title while hiding your past, while I'm getting attention for finding a skilled alchemist like you. So don't cause trouble"

"I think that if I can get away with almost killing the Fuhrer, I can do anything."

"I'm liable for you, ya know."

"Are you hitting on me?"

Roy face-palmed.

* * *

"Congratulations on becoming a dog of the military," announced Roy a week later at his office. "Here is your _So You've Decided to Join the Military_ handbook with all the rules. And this is the contract with the little details," Roy took a paper out of the folder, "you have to sign it in blood."

"Ew," said Ed.

"I'm too lazy to read them out loud to you, so do it yourself."

"Do your job responsibly, you lazy freeloader."

"The author can't believe those last two lines are actually canon from the manga," said Roy.

"FOURTH WALL!" shouted Ed. "YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!"

"This isn't the first time this has happened."

"Yeah I know. I just wanted to yell."

"Okay then. Anyway here's your dog collar."

"…Am I supposed to wear this?"

"It's optional. But you need it as identification."

"Right."

"And don't forget our three major rules, yes?"

"Don't transmute fictional carrots, Don't create goldfish, and Swear loyalty to Amy."

"…"

"Oh and our motto is 'Be Cow for the People.'"

"…Huh. Well here's your certificate with your new name."

Ed read it aloud; "_Under the authority of Fuhrer King Bradley, the name Fullmetal Alchemist will be granted to Edward Scissorhands_." Ed paused and put is face in his hands as Roy held back a few snickers. "I hate my name."

"Oh, don't worry about it," said Roy. "My certificate called me "Roy Ponyta."

"I don't get it."

"Because Ponyta is a firey horse thing? And my last name is also a horse breed?"

"…"

"And I make fire?"

"…"

"Forget it."

* * *

"Why would you do something like this, Niisan?"

"To celebrate! Why can't you just be *hic* happy for me, Al?"

"Because you set our house on fire!"

"Stop yelling at me!"

The Elric house was burning away into the night sky; all of Al's kitten and Wolverine figurines were surely destroyed by now.

"Look, don't worry, okay Al? This way we'll be sure to *hic* get our bodies back."

"But this has nothing to do with that!"

"It doesn't?"

"No!"

"What's *hic* going on?" Winry had wandered out of her house to follow the source of the orange light. "Dude, do you know your house is on fire?"

"We're well aware of that, thank you," said Al.

"You want me to get like a bottle of water or something?"

"No Winry, forget about it."

"C'mon Al, let's begin our adventure," said Ed. He started walking away and, for lack of anything better to do, Al followed him.

"Hey where are you *hic* guys going?"

Ed turned his head and shouted "Fishing! Be back in the morning!"

"Kay!"

Al looked at him. "We won't be back by morning, will we?"

"Pfffft."

_And so that was the beginning…it started with our mother's death, led to some horrific moments of island torture and missing body parts, and ended with our house on fire. I believe that despite all this, or even because of this, Al and I are not only better alchemists, but we've never been closer cousins._

…

_We're cousins, right?_

* * *

**Author's Note:** As you may have noticed, I have upped the rating to "M," just to be safe, and just in case I decide to get even more tasteless with the humor :D

Looking back, this thing probably should have been rated M from the beginning considering all the pedophile jokes and foul language xD

PS- The "Masturbating Alchemist" may or may not actually make an appearance. In case you were wondering what's up with him, he was inspired by the "Masturbating Bear" from Conan O'Brien's old show xD


	15. To the Master

**Author's Note:** I got fired today ;_;

* * *

**Chapter 14: **To the Master

As Ed and Al exited the train at Dublith's train station, Al noticed Ed writing something in his Hello Kitty research notebook (a rare occurrence).

"What are you writing, Niisan?"

"My new goal," said Ed, finishing his note and putting the notebook away. "After we finish this God- forsaken adventure and get our bodies back, I'm gonna find a new way to create babies, because frankly the normal way is disgusting."

He shuddered as he thought back to Winry explaining the process to them.

"…and then the man puts his *CENSORED* in the woman's *CENSORED,* and the woman starts to *CENSORED*, and then the baby develops in the *CENSORED*, and *CENSORED* months later it comes out of her *CENSORED* all covered in *CENSORED*"

Thank goodness that FCC lawyer had been there to censor the nastier bits.

* * *

"Here we are." The Elrics stood before the Curtis butcher shop. The sign on the door was slightly crooked, and their old shack was replaced with a state-of-the-art generator, but otherwise everything looked the same.

"Ed? Al? Is that you?" Mr. Mason walked up to them from behind, his arms laden with boxes of supplies. "It is you! How have you guys been?"

"Why are you acting like we're on good terms?" asked Al as he and Ed got chills from certain repressed memories.

Just then, Sig stepped out of the shop, looking as tall and formidable as ever.

"You've grown," he said gruffly, patting them so hard on their heads they got shorter. "How are you?"

"We're spiffy," said Ed. "Listen, Sig, we have to ask Teacher something important. Is she around?"

"She's in bed. I'll go see how she is."

"Kay."

Sig walked back inside.

"Do you think Teacher's still ill, Niisan?"

"I sure hope so. Then it'll be harder for her to beat us up."

"That's never stopped her before, Niisan."

They both got chills again. As they were having second thoughts about coming there, Izumi stepped out of the shop and gave Ed a prompt punch in the face.

"OW!"

"What the hell do I hear about MY student joining the military?" She turned to Al. "And YOU."

"What? Oh God, what did I do?"

"Nothing," she said sweetly, "you've grown so tall!"

"Uh, tha- GYAH!" she flipped him over and he slammed into the ground.

"And yet still WEAK! I can't believe you let your brother do stupid crap like joining the-" suddenly, she clapped her hand on her mouth and grabbed the door frame for support.

"Izumi!" Sig rushed to her side.

"F**K!" screamed Izumi. "C**T! S**T!"

"You shouldn't push yourself like that, sweetie," said Sig. "You know how your Tourette's syndrome gets."

"I know, honey, I kn- MOTHER F**KING C**K SUCKER!"

"Let's go back inside."

"Okay."

* * *

Later, when Izumi was feeling better, she, Sig, and the Elrics all had lunch together.

"…so do you know anything about the Internet?" asked Ed casually.

"I heard it turns nerds into warriors, and old obese men into hot young vixens," said Izumi. "Why, Ed? You're not looking for a way to make it, are you?"

"Um, no."

"Didn't we meet someone in our travels who was also interested in the Internet?" asked Sig. "I think his name was Hammy Ham, or Hot N' Heiny-"

Ed stopped eating and looked up. "Hohenheim?"

"Yeah, you know him?"

"I think he's our uncle."

"Niisan," said Al, "he's our dad."

"Your dad?" asked Izumi. "You never mentioned you had a father before."

"Yeah well he abandoned us years ago," said Ed. "It was probably Al's fault."

"Stop blaming me."

"Why was he interested in the Internet?" asked Ed.

"Not sure," said Izumi. "Something about the apocalypse. Could you pass the coleslaw?"

"So how has army life been treating you kids?" asked Sig.

Ed explained to him what it was like being in the army…running around spending taxpayer money on nice inns and train tickets, starting fights, learning about Scientology and Pastafarianism, getting his kidney stolen…

"…and then we learned where babies come from."

"Wow, sounds pretty exciting."

"Yeah."

"Has your alchemy improved?" asked Izumi.

"Oh yeah," said Ed. "Now when I change Al into Bender, I can make him do the voice, too."

"That's great, Edward. Why don't we go outside and the two of you can show us your skills?"

* * *

When they went outside, Al decided to go first. He took his time to draw a large, complicated circle, stood back, and activated it.

He made a shopping cart.

"Very impressive, Al," said Izumi. "Though could use a bit of work in the creative department," she muttered.

"And you, Ed?"

Ed clapped his hands together and turned the shopping cart into a 17th century Jacobean coffer, just to show Al up.

Izumi stared intently at Ed. "Did you see that thing, Edward?" she asked.

"What?"

Just then, they heard a crying girl approach them from around the house.

"Mrs. Curtis!" she cried. "Help me!"

Izumi recognized her as one of the neighborhood kids.

"What is it, sweetie?"

"It's my cat, Chiko!" she wailed, holding up a limp cat. "She was attacked by a dog! Can you fix her?"

Izumi examined the cat, then sighed. "Chiko was a living thing, not a toy," she said. "I can't fix her."

The little girl looked down sadly.

"But I can bring her back to life." Izumi clapped her hands and touched the cat. Immediately, it sprang to life and ran towards Ed, mauling his face.

"OWOWOWOWOW-!"

"Yay! Thank you Mrs. Curtis!"

"You're welcome, honey."

The little girl walked up to Ed, pried Chiko off his face, and skipped away merrily.

"Now where was I- oh, yes!" she turned to the boys.

"Ed, you saw that thing, didn't you? You committed the taboo and saw the Gate of Truth! That's why you can do transmutations without circles!"

Ed looked down and shift his feet guiltily, his face still bleeding a bit.

"Your left leg and right arm are automail! And you!" she turned to Al. "You're completely hollow!"

"How could you tell about my artificial limbs?" asked Ed.

"I saw you sticking my refrigerator magnets on them earlier."

"Heheh it was fun."

"Also, I saw Al stabbing himself with one of my antique samurai swords. He would have died had there been a body in there."

Ed looked at Al.

"I tried to reach the blood seal," explained Al. "But my aiming sucks."

The boys were at a loss for words.

"What did I say about trying to bring fictional characters to life?"

"…'Don't'?"

"And what did you do?"

"We tried bringing a fictional character to life."

"You're morons, you know that?" she sighed. "So both master and apprentice make the same mistake…"

Ed's eyes widened. "You mean you also…"

"Yes."

"You also accidently super-glued you hands to your butt?"

"I- what?"

"Never mind."

"Anyway, since you violated my rule and sinned against nature, I'm hereby expelling you as my students!"

"Wait…we haven't been here in like five years, and you decide to expel us _now_?"

"Just get the hell out of my sight."

* * *

"Izumi and I were having marital problems years ago," said Sig as he walked the Elrics to the Dublith train station. "She was so distraught that she tried bringing Martha Stewart to life. The Tourette's syndrome was her punishment, as well as her constant reminder."

"Wait- she gets Tourette's syndrome, while I lose my whole body?" said Al. "That hardly seems fair."

But it reminded Ed of something.

"Shit! Al, why did we come to Dublith?"

Al thought for a moment.

"…The petting zoo?"

"Yeah!"

They left Sig at the station to play with goats.

* * *

Half an hour and a chewed up red coat and loincloth later, they remembered the real reason they came to Dublith and rushed to the butcher shop.

"Teacher!"

"WHAT DO YOU F**KING WANT- sorry- I thought I told you brats you were expelled!"

"We came here to ask if you knew anything that could help us bring our bodies back!" Ed paused. "And maybe if you could spare a brisket or two."

"Get the hell out of my shop."

"No."

"Fine. Sit down."

They all went to the living room and sat down there.

"Maybe Al would know," suggested Izumi. "After all, he paid the biggest toll at the Gate of Truth."

"Oh hey yeah I did…but I don't remember anything."

"Why do you have to be so useless all the time?" asked Ed.

"Niisan, without a brain or nervous system, it's a miracle I'm even functioning right now."

"Alphonse," said Izumi, "you don't remember seeing the Kanye West-thing at all?"

"Nope."

"Hm, maybe it was from the shock of what happened to you."

"Yeah, I repress a lot of things…"

"I'll ask my doctor about repressed memories," said Izumi. "In the meantime, you two can stay here and help me clean and cook."

"If you see your doctor, could you ask him when I'll hit puberty?" asked Ed.

"I'm not asking him that."

* * *

"There has been an order for a transfer?"

"Yes. You'll be working at Central starting next week"

Colonel Roy Mustang and General Grumman were currently in Grumman's office, where Roy was kicking his ass in Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

"It's too bad," said Grumman. "It's been interesting with you around."

"I'll miss you too," said Roy. "No one else likes to play Smash with me."

"Maybe you shouldn't incinerate the console every time you lose."

"Maybe."

"Anyway, Major General Halcrow will be replacing you, but I don't like him, he's too stern. He doesn't let me do work naked like you do."

"Yeah, but- wait, you've been doing it naked?"

"You'd know if you actually showed up to work sometimes."

"Huh. Anyhow, I have a favor to ask."

"What is it?"

"I want to transfer my subordinates to Central with me. I don't feel like training new people."

"All right, sounds fair enough."

They played for a few more minutes, the only sound in the room coming from the two Jigglypuffs on screen, then-

"HA!" Grumman finally beat Roy after a tough battle.

Roy responded by getting up, flipping his chair, and blowing up the Wii with a _snap_.

They were both silent as smoke filled the room, seeping slowly out the partially- opened window, each of them holding a controller now attached to nothing.

"I'm sorry."

"Leave."

* * *

"Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc!" boomed Roy in his office a couple hours later, pacing as he named each of his subordinates. "Sergeant Kain Fuery! Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda! Lieutenant Flamingoelbow! And Warrant Officer Vato Falman! I have good news!" Roy paused for dramatic effect. "I'm transferring to Central!"

His subordinates cheered.

"And I'm bringing you all with me!"

The cheering stopped.

"Why do we have to go with you?" asked Breda.

"Because, in order to become Fuhrer, I'm gonna need as much support as possible."

"How do you expect any support from us after you made us do your paperwork and laundry-"

"And that day, when I become Fuhrer," continued Roy, "all female officers will be required to wear- wait for it- TINY MINISKIRTS!" Roy did his little dance routine and then felt something strange. He looked down. "Jean, stop humping my leg."

"Kay."

"Clean out your work stations, my minions," continued Roy. "Today, Central! Tomorrow, the world!"

"Please shoot me," whispered Falman to Hawkeye.

"Oh wait, Colonel," said Havoc, "I can't leave East City, I have a girlfriend."

"Is she imaginary?"

"Yes."

"Dump her."

"But she's imaginary-"

"_Dump her._"

"…fine."

"Any more complaints?"

Falman raised his hand. "I'm three weeks away from getting my Master's degree in physics, sir-"

"Already taken care of, Falman," said Roy. "I called them yesterday and told them you withdrew."

Falman nearly burst into tears; an IQ of 190 and he was stuck working for this idiot.

"Any other complaints?"

No one bothered anymore.

* * *

Something lurked in the shadows, watching the Elric brothers move about Dublith.

"Pfffft that library was lame," said Ed as he and Al descended the steps from the local library. "I can't believe they still remember me destroying that book years ago."

"They have your picture on the 'BAD PEOPLE' board, Niisan. Besides, why did you destroy _The Color Purple_?"

"Because I thought it would be ABOUT the color purple, duh. Instead I was all depressed and angry at white people-"

"You're an idiot, Niisan."

They proceeded to argue on the way to the butcher shop, the creature following them by sticking to building walls with its hands and feet.

"That's him, Preciousss," said the lizard-man in a creepy, creepy voice. "That'sss the metal boy the Master wanted."

He decided to head back to the Prancing Pony, where his master was waiting.

* * *

"Oh, so he's here?" said the spiky-haired man, sitting on a couch with a voluptuous woman in each arm. "Good, it saves us a lot of trouble. You've done well, Bido."

"Yessss."

"Hey boss," said a woman with short, blond hair, tattoos, and piercings, "don't you think we should change the name of the bar?"

"Yeah," said a nearby alligator-man. "The guys and I have discussed it, and we all agree that 'The Prancing Pony' sounds a bit unmanly."

The boss was taken aback. "Whatdya mean, 'unmanly'? It's from _The Lord of the Rings_! Nothing's manlier than that!"

"Yeah, there's nothing manlier than a band of midgets, an elf, and several hairy men traveling on adventures together-"

"Just shut the hell up and get me the metal boy."

"Precious!" added Bido.

* * *

Meanwhile, Izumi was at the doctor's office. As she was getting ready to leave, she remembered her question.

"Um, Doctor? I just wanted to ask- do you know anything about repressed memories?"

"A bit," he responded, filing a few papers. "Why do you ask?"

"I know someone who needs to remember something traumatizing."

"Have you tried electrocuting them?"

"Er…is that legal?"

"Probably not."

"I'll just stick with hypnosis then."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

As she and the rest of her colleagues finished up clearing their work station before the transfer to Central, Liza Hawkeye decided to go to the Colonel's office and see if she had forgotten anything.

"Colonel, we're almost done packing, is there anything you think we forg-"

She stopped midsentence as the scene before her registered and tattooed itself onto her retinas forever. "Sir, are you naked?"

"Hm?" Roy, who was at his desk, looked up from his paperwork. "Oh. Yes. Yes I am."

"May I ask why, sir?"

"I wanted to see if it made me more productive. Turns out it doesn't." He paused. "Do you feel a draft?"

Liza could barely take any of this. "I want a raise, sir."

"You know, that could be misinterpreted," he said wryly.

"Is that a Yogi Bear tattoo on your chest, Colonel?"

"Tell no one and I'll double your salary."

"Very well, sir."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I rather liked reading _The_ _Color Purple_ ^3^ Though it was depressing…

Yeeeaaaaah and I guess in this universe, it IS possible to return the dead to life xD

The characters just don't seem to really care…


	16. OMAKE PART TWO

**Author's Note:** I got very, very bored today.

So now, for your amusement, I bring you another Omake :D

* * *

**OMAKE PART TWO:** Ed's Intervention

"This is so *hic* awesome," said Ed, swaying where he stood. "I've never had a surprise *hic* birthday party before."

"No, Edward," said Shou Tucker. "I'm afraid it's much more serious than that. Please have a seat."

Ed staggered to an empty folding chair and sat down. The room was a small rented room at the community center, with fading blue carpet and yellowing walls. The coffee machine on the snack table was out-of-date, and the AA sign on the door was lopsided. Several people sat in a circle in the room, Ed filling the last empty chair.

"So do I get a *hic* birthday cake with a stripper in it?"

"Niisan, it's not even your birthday for seven months," said Al.

"Now Edward, this is your intervention," said Tucker. "Everyone who is present here came because they care about you and want to support you."

Ed was excited; all he heard was the word "present."

"I had them all write letters," continued Tucker, "and I would very much like for you to listen to what they have to say."

"Ooh, so I'm *hic* getting like a roast too? Sweet."

"Why don't you go first, Colonel Mustang?" asked Tucker.

"Oh, was that due today?" asked Roy.

"The Lieutenant has told me of your general distaste of paperwork," said Tucker, "so I had a hypnotist force you to write your letter. It's in your front coat pocket."

"Oh, okay." Roy fished it out. "_Dear Fullmetal,_" he said, "_when you were a child and we first met, you called me 'Colonel Stupidface,' and that really pissed me off. Now that your name-calling has gotten slightly more sophisticated and you call me things like 'Keanu Reeves' and 'the Yellow Peril,' I'm beginning to think you're racist towards Asians and want very much to set you on fire-_"

"Er, Colonel," said Tucker, "why don't you skip to the part about how Edward's drinking habits have affected you?"

"Oh." Roy scanned the letter, then turned it over to the backside and scanned it too. He read aloud the last sentence; "_Please share some of your whiskey._"

He put the letter down, and the room clapped half-heartedly.

"Right," said Tucker. "Ling, you go next."

"Actually, I wrote pretty much the same thing the Colonel did," said Ling. "Only instead of asking him for whiskey, my last line was 'go to hell.'"

"Okay, how about you, Armstrong?"

"MY PLEASURE," Armstrong unfurled a twenty-foot long roll of paper. "_DEAR EDWARD ELRIC. WHENEVER I SEE YOU IN YOUR DRUNKEN STATE, MY STOMACH TWISTS IN DISGUST AND PITY. WHEN I WAS A SMALL CHILD, MY NANNY HAD A DRINKING PROBLEM AS WELL…_" and he went on for a while. Most of the people in the room fell asleep. Some others where at the snack table getting cookies. Tucker was at the end of the table, gluing broken animal crackers together to make chimera crackers.

"…_AND IT TOOK TWENTY HOURS OF SURGERY TO REMOVE THE BUDWEISER BOTTLE FROM HER LIVER. IN SHORT, YOUNG EDWARD, DRINKING __WILL MAKE YOU COMMIT INTOLERABLY FOOLISH ACTS__,_" Armstrong finished after thirty-nine minutes. Again, half-hearted claps as people were waking up.

"That was truly inspiring," said Tucker indifferently. "Who wants to go next?"

"Ooh ooh me!"

"Alright, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes."

"_Dear Edward,_" said Maes, unfurling a twenty-foot long letter of his own, "_please answer the following questionnaire about my family. Would you say that my wife is a) beautiful, or b) exquisite?_"

"Okay, who else has a letter actually relevant to the intervention?" asked Tucker.

"I do," said Havoc. "_Dear Edward, do you remember that one time you got hammered and told me how handsome I was? That really made my day, because I was depressed about an earlier break up. I like how you're a nice guy when you're drunk._" He stopped reading and put the letter away.

"Was that it?" asked Tucker.

"Yeah, that was it."

No one cared to clap anymore.

"I wanna go next!" Envy took out a paper from his tube top. "_Dear Edward, alcoholism is a serious problem. Our father used to beat us every night, plus he never worked and we struggled with bills. Our family never recovered from how much his destructive habits tore us apart. It hurts me to talk about it, but I am telling you this because-_"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, who invited you?" asked Tucker.

"Yeah, aren't you a bad guy or something?" asked Roy lazily.

"Why don't you go crawl back into your sewer?" said Ling.

Envy looked down sadly and walked out of the room.

"Who's next?" asked Tucker. "What about you, Kimbley?"

Kimbley was hunched in the corner of the room, licking the blood of an Ishbalan child off his hands.

"Er…we'll get back to you later."

"We'd like to go next," said Darius, who was sitting next to Heinkel. "We wrote ours together."

"Very Well then."

"_Dear Edward,_" said Darius, "_you got drunk one time and dyed my fur blue when I was asleep. You knew full well that my kid is terrified of Sulley from Monsters, Inc., yet you played this cruel joke on me and now he frequently throws holy water at me. Totally not cool._" He handed the letter to Heinkel.

"_When we met, you promised you'd respect our differences and find a way to restore our bodies. But when you put catnip up that tree that one time and I got stuck in it, that really put a dent in our relationship. It took hours for the firefighters to get me down, and when they did they put me in the city pound for a week before the military reclaimed me. I could have been neutered._"

"Are you starting to understand, Edward?" asked Tucker.

"I'm starting to understand that this is a room full of freaks," said Ed.

"Speaking of freaks, why don't you go next, Alphonse?"

"Okay." Alphonse looked for his letter in his empty compartment, but it seemed to be missing. "Hey, where did it go?"

"Oh, was that what it was?" asked Ed. "I saw it fall out of your armor earlier."

"Did you pick it up?"

"No."

"Niisan! That took me hours to write!" He put his face in his hands. "I put all my heart and soul into it!"

"Pfffft your heart is on the other *hic* side of the gate with the rest of you, remember? Plus if you had actually put your soul into it I'd finally have a chance to put that armor on eBay."

Al mentally wept.

"Scar, why don't you give it a try?" asked Tucker.

"Sure." Scar took out a letter and read; "_Dear weird kid that I don't really care for, us Pastafarians believe that heaven is full of beer volcanoes and stripper factories, while hell is the same, except the beer is stale and the strippers all have venereal diseases. My point is that you'll always be a drunken idiot._"

Tucker was getting a migraine. "Would anyone else like to participate? Miss Rockbell?"

"You told me that if I came here there would be *hic* cookies."

"There were. You ate them all."

"That's what they said at my *hic* parents' funeral."

"Lieutenant Hawkeye? How about you?"

"Okay I guess." She took out a letter. "_Dear idiot, I cannot tell you how incompetent you are. Every day you lord it all over at your desk while I do all the grunt work. This one time you filled out paperwork to have me shipped to the jungle when you know I'm severely allergic to insect bites. It was the only piece of paperwork you've ever properly filled out. How a moron like you ever made it so far in the military is beyond_- ah crap, you know what, Mr. Tucker? This is an entry from my diary."

"Er, I see. Do you think you have the actual letter to Edward on you somewhere?"

"No, I didn't write it."

"I'll read mine." Izumi took out a letter and read; "_Dear student, it brings me so much joy and pride to see that you've graduated my class. However, I am disgusted that you joined the military and became their dog. The fact that they accepted a drunk like you just shows me how wrong you were in making that decision. They are all incompetent, useless-_"

"Hey some of us are in the room, you know," said Roy.

"Yeah!" said Kimbley, wiping the last of the blood on his white jacket.

"You think I care about offending people? Whenever PETA members throw red paint on the front of my butcher shop, I just puke blood all over them!"

"Now now people, settle down," said Tucker. "How about you go next, Major General Armstrong?"

"Very well." Olivier took the letter out her purse, which was made of caribou intestine. "_Dear Edward, I strongly advise you refrain consuming any more alcohol. It causes you to lose body heat, and if you do that you can never be stationed at Briggs._"

"But I don't wanna be stationed at *hic* Briggs."

"Oh okay then never mind."

Tucker was almost at his limit. "Anyone else? Please, we're trying to discourage his destructive behavior."

"I'll go," said Truth.

"Go ahead, then."

"_Dear Edward, remember that day when we met, and I said I was you? I totally take it back._"

Tucker took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Did anyone else want to speak, or can we finish this?"

"I would like to speak," said Van Hohenheim, pulling a letter out of his pocket. "_Dear Edward, it really offended me when you told me my name had too many H's in it. But I still loved you, so I decided to send you to an expensive rehabilitation resort for alcoholics. I had already paid the nonrefundable deposit when your mother told me you weren't mine. So I left. I apologize for nothing._" He folded the letter and returned it to his pocket.

"Okay, you know what, everyone? You're making Edward's problem worse. You're all terrible people, please leave."

Everyone shuffled out, talking amongst themselves.

"…completely pointless..."

"…I can't believe I *hic* missed 'Glee' for this…"

"Deplorable, truly deplorable…"

"You know what, Lieutenant? I think that went pretty well."

"Man, the city pound could have at least taken the cone off…."

"…that was the most *hic* disappointing birthday ever."

"HEY EVERYBODY, LET'S GO SEE A MOVIE."

"YAY!"

Tucker sat alone in the room, eating his chimera crackers and feeling like a total failure.

* * *

**OMAKE EPILOGUE**

Everyone got wasted after the movie and drove a tank into Tucker's house.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Soooo I have NO IDEA if the phrase "Yellow Peril" is politically correct or not, considering I'm only using it as a joke, but still I hope it didn't offend anyone ^_^

I doubt most people even know what it means, it's such an old phrase that I learned about by chance…It's basically a nineteenth century term for the fear of the U.S. being run by Asian immigrants or something. I'm sure that phrase died out by now ^_^'''''

Also, in case you're wondering about Scar/Zit's "Pastafarianism" and "Flying Spaghetti Monster," I only WISH I had invented those. Look them up on Wiki (Disclaimer: only if you're not _too_ religious).

Anyway, this omake was uber fun to write, I hope you all enjoyed it! If you have any suggestions for more "Ed's Intervention" scenes, I might just write a part 2 for another omake.

PS- Chimera crackers are awesome, you can glue them together with icing.


	17. OMAKE PART THREE

**Author's Note:** HAVING WRITER'S BLOCK FROM HELL

D:

D:

D:

Dx

Anyway, next chapter might take a while, so here's another Omake ^_^ It was meant to be a short one but it somehow morphed into a time-killing 20- page monstrosity…

* * *

**OMAKE PART THREE:** A Flaming Pile of Christmas Carol

"…and when you're done with filling out those forms, Falman, I need you to pick up my dry-cleaning," said Colonel Roy Mustang, leaning back in his chair and twirling a pen around with his gloved fingers. "Oh, and Lieutenant? Yes I know your shift ended three hours ago but please finish cleaning the office and then go wash my motorbike."

"Sir, again, you don't own a motor-"

"Can I go home already?" asked Havoc. "I promised my ailing grandmother I'd listen to her stories on Christmas Eve-"

"Are you done washing the ceiling"

"No."

"Then get to it."

"Does it need washing?"

"Yes."

It was a typical Christmas Eve in Central Headquarters. Soldiers of all ranks were running around, busily getting their paperwork done and preparing for the holiday break. The building itself looked magnificent, with an enormous Christmas tree at the center of the courtyard, tinsel and mistletoe decorating the hallways, and wreaths on each office door. Even Breda was dressed as Santa Claus (under Mustang's orders).

"Colonel," said Breda, walking into the office. "Can I stop being Santa now? I have blisters on my ass and people won't stop sitting on me and asking me for things."

"Oh, but Breda, there's nothing more rewarding than seeing a child's happy face," said Roy.

"What children? Everyone in the building is like twenty-five and up."

"That's great, Breda," said Roy, not listening as he got up from his chair and put his pen in his pocket. "Well, my work here is done."

His subordinates paused from their various tasks to look at him, Breda with his fake beard askew, Falman's face covered in ink from rushing with the paperwork, Havoc hanging from the ceiling, and Liza with rubber gloves and a bucket. Fuery was lost in the forest somewhere, doing Roy's last-minute Christmas tree errand.

"I'm gonna go ahead and go home," continued Roy. "The rest of you…finish your work."

He left.

"This is definitely going on my blog," said Falman.

"The one only your mom reads?" asked Breda.

"No, she stopped reading it a while ago," he responded sadly.

"I'm sick of this!" Havoc got out of his ceiling- washing harness. "I say we do something about it!"

"A mass blog?" asked Falman.

"What is it with you and blogs?"

"I'm very lonely."

"Look," interjected Liza, "traditional methods aren't gonna work on the Colonel. When we lecture him he zones out into his Fuhrer fantasies, and when we take his possessions he blows up our cars."

"I say we do something drastic," said Havoc.

"I have an idea," said Breda.

He told them his idea, and they all agreed it was worth a shot.

Just then, Fuery stumbled through the door, dragging in a huge coniferous tree and covered in chipmunk bites.

"*pant* Where's the *pant* Colonel?"

"You just missed him," said Havoc.

"But I have his *pant* tree-"

"You took to long, he ended up buying a plastic one at the supermarket."

"And no one bothered to *pant* come get me?"

"We assumed a grizzly ate you."

"They're hibernating, dumbass."

"The author doesn't know how to end this dialogue."

* * *

Later that night, Roy relaxed in his comfy chair at his apartment. He ate some cookies made by Breda, drank some tea brewed by Falman, and wore fuzzy slippers made out of Black Hayate.

Fuery's beloved hand-made radio served as a foot rest for Roy, and a transmuted Al served as his heater.

"Aaaah it's sure awesome to be a Colonel," he thought out loud. "I bet it'll get even better once I'm Fuhrer!"

Then, ever so softly, a voice spoke.

"Roy."

"Huh?" Roy looked around, almost spilling the tea on Havoc's grandmother's pajamas. "Weird, I could've sworn I heard-"

"_Roy._"

"GYAH!"

"Stop freaking out, it's me."

"Huh?"

A figure materialized before him.

"_Maes_?"

"In the flesh!" said Maes.

They paused for a moment, staring at each other with stoic faces, then burst out laughing.

"Dead and still got it!" said Roy, wiping a tear from his eye. "But seriously, you're dead. What gives?"

"I'm here to announce the arrival of three ghosts," said Maes. "Three ghosts who will scare you crapless until you do what they want."

"What?"

"Ah crud, I forgot I'm supposed to be following a script, hang on a minute." He dug through his ghostly clothes and found the piece of paper he was looking for. He then cleared his throat and began reading:

"_Roy Mustang,_" he said, "_you have been a cruel Colonel! You have been taking advantage of your subordinates and you will be punished! Tonight, you shall be visited by three ghosts, who will change you from your wicked ways and illuminate your true path!_" Maes looked up at him. "_Wooooooooo,_" he added, flailing his arms a bit.

"What wicked ways? Is this about me lying about my gender so I could get free tacos?"

"_Roy Mustang! You have been warned!_" Maes's ghostly voice resounded all around the room.

"…"

"So yeah. Three ghosts."

"…Are you one of the three ghosts?"

"No."

"Then why are you still here?"

"I dunno, I was supposed to fade away or something."

"I see."

They both stood in awkward silence for a few seconds.

"So how's my wife?"

"I slept with her."

"YOU WHA- oh wait, there we go." Maes faded away.

* * *

A couple hours later, Roy was sound asleep when a figure materialized by his bed.

"Roy Mustang," said the ghostly voice. "Wake up."

"Lieutenant…" murmured Roy in his sleep, "…put the fire hose down already, you're making a mess."

"Wake up, you lazy bum."

"Huh?" Roy took off his eye mask and looked up to see a glowing, transparent Edward Elric.

"Sup."

"Fullmetal?"

"Yeah."

"But you can't be dead. You're a main character."

"So?" Ed took a swig of beer. It went through his ghostly form, splattering all over the floor beneath him. "Don't tell me what I can or can't be. You're not my *hic* boss."

"Actually, I… never mind."

"Anyway I'm the, um-" he took out a piece of paper from his pocket and read, swaying as he did so. "_I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past. I'm here to show you that you were once a sad little boy._"

"Like me?" said heater-Al.

"Shut up, Al," slurred Ed.

"Fullmetal, you're supposed to be fixing my office toilet," said Roy.

"I'm not fixing anything for you! And who the hell flushes real estate magnets down the toilet, anyway?"

"They make me angry."

"Enough of this! _Come with me, Mustang, or forever wallow in self-indulgent despair!_"

"I'd rather just go back to sleep."

"I'm not being paid to let you sleep!"

"Someone's paying you to do this?"

"Just shut up and help me *hic* get this over with, okay? I gotta get home and dig up my mom's zombie body or something."

"Okay okay."

* * *

Roy found himself in his childhood home in East City.

"This is *hic* the apartment where you grew up," said Ed. "It's just an illusion from your memory, so no one here can see or hear-"

"Yeah yeah everybody knows how the story goes," said Roy.

"If you know how the story goes then why *hic* don't you skip to the part where you stop being an ass?"

"Why are you short?"

"Touché."

Roy looked around the apartment; it was a simple…the living room and kitchen being one room, with egg-shell colored walls, a small television in the corner, and a camel-colored couch against the wall. Various photos of Roy and Madame Christmas decorated the walls, some of them including her voluptuous bar maidens. Roy's ten-year-old self was currently sitting in the middle of the carpet, playing with toys. But something was missing.

"Hey where's my porn collection?" asked Roy.

"This story is rated PG, I can't show it."

"Ah."

They watched as child-Roy played with his Barbies. He seemed to be paying close attention to the Special Edition Fuhrer Ken Doll, surrounding him with Barbie dolls in tiny miniskirts.

After a few minutes, a door across the room opened and in stepped a gorgeous red-haired woman in a skin-tight dress.

"Okay, little Roy, it's time for your bath!" she said.

"OH BOY!" said child-Roy, dropping his dolls and running towards the woman, throwing his shirt off as he did so. Ed tried holding back his retching sounds as both disappeared through the doorway.

"You had *hic* various beautiful women from Madame Christmas's bar babysit you, you see," said Ed, recovering.

"Yes, I remember."

"Until you were like seventeen."

"Yes."

"Unspeakably beautiful women."

"Yes."

"Women so beautiful that even a man whose heart was made of pure coal would shiver in their presence like a reptile shoved up Frosty's ass."

"I thought you said this was rated PG."

"'Christmas Carol' is, but this fic sure ain't."

"But earlier you said-"

"Never mind what I said. My point is, you've become vapid and stupid like them."

"Yes, I know. The Lieutenant constantly reminds me."

"Being raised by them has given you an unfounded and undeserved *hic* sense of entitlement to all the pleasures in life, turning you into an insufferable hedonistic bastard."

"And that's a bad thing because…?"

Ed swayed for a moment. "I don't know."

"Can we go back now?"

"Wait, lemmie remember why I brought you here, it was important…" Ed thought for a moment. Roy looked at Ed's face in fascination; this was the first time he had ever seen Fullmetal trying to think. It was almost like watching "Jersey Shore"; painful, but rendering one unable to look away.

"Oh! I remember now," he said what felt like ten minutes later. "I brought you here because I was promised eighty gallons of *hic* root beer for doing this."

"…you know that root beer is 100% alcohol-free, don't you?"

"Pfffft no it's not. It has the word 'beer' in it."

"Right."

"Let's move on, shall we?"

"Urgh, there's more of this?"

"Unfortunately yes."

* * *

Now they were in a different apartment- bigger and darker, though full of small tables, shelves with old books, and alchemic research notes and diagrams strewn about the place.

A young man was writing at a desk with his back to them, while an older man stood over him, giving instructions on basic transmutations.

"Ah, that's Mr. Hawkeye," said Roy to Ed. "He was my teacher of alchemy, as well as my role model when it came to manhood."

"Role model nothing," said Ed. "He trained you wrong as a joke, you see. Watch."

"…And then you go ahead and draw yet another triangle in there," said Mr. Hawkeye. "See? Doesn't that look neat?"

"It sure does, Mr. Hawkeye!" said sixteen-year-old Roy excitedly.

"Well you go ahead and keep practicing while I head for the bar, okay kiddo?"

"Yep!"

"Just keep messing with that transmutation circle until it does something."

"Okay."

Mr. Hawkeye left the room.

"He was just messing with you the whole time," said Ed. "He only made you draw random shapes."

"Why?"

"I guess he was bored."

"But I'm really good at burning things."

"By a total coincidence, you somehow drew the incorrect circle_ incorrectly_ when you added that lizard doodle to it, thus *hic* creating the first flame alchemy of that nature."

"So it means I'm a genius?"

"It means you're lucky."

"Okay, I'm good with that."

"But that luck might run out."

"Or it might not."

"Listen, could you just shut up?"

"Okay."

Just then, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in," said teenage-Roy from his desk.

The door opened, revealing a chubby teenage girl in pigtails, slightly younger than Roy. She had headgear and acne, and glasses that magnified her eyes three times.

She was carrying a try of cookies, smiling shyly. "Hi, Mr. Mustang."

Upon hearing his name, teenage-Roy looked around from where he sat.

"Oh. Hi, Lisa."

"It's Liza."

"Lizard, right."

Her smile faltered a bit. "Um…I brought you cookies."

"Oh sweet, thanks. You can set them here." She set the tray on his desk, and then he continued his work.

A few seconds passed by, Liza breathing awkwardly through her metallic face-cage.

Roy looked up at her. "Um, you're still here."

Liza blushed and smiled again. "Hi, Mr. Mustang."

"...Hi."

Then she looked curiously at what he was doing.

"What is that?" she asked.

"Oh, this? It's a drawing of my future miniskirt harem," said Roy, as he erased one of the miniskirts and redrew it shorter.

"Um…" Liza blushed even harder as she struggled to ask the question on her mind. "…Do you think I could be in your miniskirt harem?"

"Nah."

The sound of her heart being broken was almost audible.

"Hey why don't you go get me some milk? That would be great, Lizard."

Tears brimming her eyes, she lowered her head and walked out.

"I'm an inconsiderate drunken *hic* idiot, and even _I _think that was cold," said Ed.

"Yeah, I suppose I could've handled that more smoothly," said Roy. "I should've told her she could be in the pants harem. Anyway, I wonder what became of Lizard."

Ed stared at Roy.

"Your teacher's name was Mr. Hawkeye," said Ed.

"Yeah."

"And his daughter's name is Elizabeth."

"Yeah."

"Elizabeth Hawkeye."

"Yeah."

"Liza Hawkeye."

"Oh hey that's the Lieutenant's name-"

"THAT _IS_ YOUR LIEUTENANT, YOU DIMWIT!"

"Oh! I had no idea!"

Ed inhaled very slowly, counting to ten. Then he threw away his empty bottle, pulled out a fresh one from his coat, and calmly took a few sips.

"I think that explains how those laxatives ended up in that milk," said Roy to himself thoughtfully, hand on his chin. "And the constant hatred," he added.

Ed cleared his throat. "After this," he said, "Liza's self-esteem sank so low that she gave up her dream of becoming a kindergarten teacher and decided to shoot people for a living instead."

"And boy does she look amazing doing it."

"Doesn't it make you *hic* feel bad? Knowing how sad she is inside?"

"She's fine. Her face is just like that."

"Her face is not just like that!"

"Can I go home now?"

"No! I still have one more thing to *hic* show you!"

"You are so fired after this."

"Pfffft."

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

* * *

**Author's Note:** I'm so happy that I at least have my crazy hobbies to keep me sane :)

And if it's any consolation, I was a chubby-chubb in high school too, and had braces and glasses D: but at least I lucked out and didn't have acne or full headgear, unlike poor Liza…

But I am shorter than Ed D:

**PS**- OMG CHECK THIS OUT. I love it when people make fan stuff out of my fanfics xD

Check out a few links on my profile- Millie a.k.a. Assassinating has made an audio book of the first three chapters of Teen Titans vs. Hurricane Buttercup (a.k.a. Fullmetal Lol's little brother ^_^). Also, strawberries up the butt a.k.a. s.u.u.b has made an awesomey awesome flipnote animation of the first scene of FMA Lol xD

I also posted their websites, in case anyone wants to check out some of their other works.

:D


	18. OMAKE PART 3 POINT 5

**Author's Note: **Sorry for chapter 15 taking so long =_= so much happens in Dublith…and I'm having trouble with Bradley's new Homunculus name D:

Anyway, the good news is, I have taken my GRE yesterday and officially don't care about it anymore. But the bad new is, I got a terrible score and do still care about it ;_;

Enough dallying! Please enjoy this Omake conclusion~

* * *

**OMAKE PART THREE POINT FIVE:** A Flaming Pile of Christmas Carol Part Two

The settings around them changed; this time, they were on a greenish college campus, with students walking around, biking, and sitting under trees. Roy recognized it immediately.

"Hey this is my alma mater, East City University," he said.

"Yep," said Ed.

"This is where I learned how to make shag carpets out of shower hair."

Ed gave him a look of utmost revulsion.

"It's okay, they weren't mine."

Ed's face remained unchanged.

"I'm quite good at it."

Ed shook his head. "Moving on…" He pointed behind Roy and he turned around; there stood his twenty-year-old self in front of a large library, apparently waiting for someone. "College was a *hic* pivotal turning point in your life," explained Ed, scanning the script he was given. "It was here that you met and lost your first true love."

They watched as the twenty-year-old Roy swept the grounds with his eyes, searching. Then his face lit up as he smiled and waved at someone.

"Olivier!"

A curvy young woman with blond hair and large, blue eyes approached him, her arms laden with books. She was scowling.

"Roy," she said, towering over him, "I think we need to break up."

Roy's smile vanished. "What? Why?"

"It's not me, it's you," she said. "I'm tired of carrying your books, for one." She dumped the heavy textbooks into Roy's arms. He looked down as they fell at his feet, his arms not used to carrying anything.

"And also," continued Olivier, "I'm tired of cleaning up after you during our Alchemic Compounds 201 class. Those chemicals burn me, and you keep stealing the rubber gloves we're assigned in class so you can clean your motorbike."

"So?"

"You don't own a motorbike."

"I told you, as soon as I become Fuhrer and get rich off taxpayer money, I'll buy one-"

"And how do you intend on becoming Fuhrer?"

"I dunno, I'll send pamphlets to voters in the mail or something."

"That's not gonna work."

"Of course it is."

"We live in a dictatorship, there are no votes."

"Well when I'm Fuhrer I'll allow people to vote for me."

"Do you even know what a Fuhrer does?"

"Doesn't he work at the Department for the Promotion of Raccoon Obesity?"

Olivier sighed. "Listen, have you given any thought to what I said earlier? Any at all?"

"About not selling the shag carpets to people?"

"No, moron, about marrying me!"

"Oh." Roy scratched the back of his head. "Yeah I'm not into the whole 'commitment' thing."

Tears began to form in Olivier's eyes. "If I don't get married, my parents will send me to the army! I can't handle the life of a soldier, Roy! It'll ruin my soft, feminine nature!" She took out a unicorn-print handkerchief and blew her nose in it.

"I'm sure your soft, feminine nature will survive, Olivier-"

"NO IT WON'T!" she cried, storming off, making the ground rumble as she did so.

Roy watched her walk away, still in shock over the break-up. Then, a young man in complete emo-goth attire walked up to Roy; he was covered head to foot in black clothing and several chains, and had black eye-shadow and sickly pale skin. His pitch-black bangs were combed over his eyes, and his backpack was coffin-shaped. This was a man who made you think, "boy, he must shut himself in his room writing dark poetry all day."

"Yo Roy," he said, "can I borrow your notes for Alchemic Runes 101? Breda ate mine."

"Not now, Maes."

Present-Roy looked at his younger self, his face full of what seemed like sadness.

"Do you *hic* see now?" asked Ed.

"I was so close," said Roy.

Even Ed let down his shield and patted Roy on the shoulder. "There there. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that crap."

Roy choked back the tears."I was so close to having Alexander Luis Armstrong as a brother-in-law." He sighed. "It was fate that tore me and Olivier apart. Merciful, merciful fate."

Ed removed his hand from Roy's shoulder and hit the back of Roy's head.

"Ow!"

"You're making this *hic* really hard for me!"

"Maybe things would be easier for you if you didn't drink so heavily."

"Pfffft I can't function without my drinking." Ed lifted up his beer bottle to take a drink, but miscalculated his hand-to-face coordination and accidentally poked his eye with the tip.

"Ouch!"

"Case and point."

"Shut up."

"Do you even remember where we are?"

"Some kind of petting zoo?"

"What is it with you and petting zoos? Are you a furry?"

"Yes."

Roy stared.

"Furries are people who like wearing fur, right?" asked Ed.

"…yeah."

"Anyway, according to this piece of paper I was provided with, Olivier was later kicked out of college for letting you plagiarize her homework. She never got to fulfill her dream of becoming a Fashion Alchemist. Meanwhile, you were never expelled for copying her because your foster mother had just donated a new wing to the school, and nowadays Olivier freezes her ass off at the Briggs stronghold, the threat of Drachma hanging over her like a great shadow, growing ever darker and more imminent."

"So it all worked out."

Edward felt his very spirit break.

"Fuck this. I'm taking you back to wait for your next ghost. Never call me again."

"But what about my office toilet?"

"Please drown in it."

"Okay." Roy had zoned out, imagining what life would be like if all of his subordinates were hot females. Then female Breda appeared in his mind, killing that fantasy.

* * *

Roy decided that since the next ghost should be arriving soon, he would sit down at his favorite chair and read a book.

It wasn't long before his designated ghost arrived.

"COLONEL ROY MUSTANG."

"…shit."

"CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

"Yeah."

"CAN YOU SEE ME?"

"Yeah."

"THAT IS GOOD."

"Please don't tell me you're the Ghost of Christmas Present, Major."

"INDEED I AM."

"Fantastic. Really fantastic."

"LET US GO TO THE PLACES YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN AT TONIGHT AND GAZE INTO YOUR FRETFUL SOUL."

"You can take me straight to limbo."

"HAHAHA THAT IS MOST AMUSING, COLONEL. IT REMINDS ME OF THE BAD SITCOMS I ENJOY."

"The bad sitcoms I'll probably have to watch in limbo after all this."

"PLEASE STOP. YOU ARE MAKING MY SIDES SPLIT WITH AMUSEMENT."

"Where's your script, anyway?"

"OLIVIER TORE IT UP. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS ANOTHER ONE OF MY AMATEUR SITCOM MANUSCRIPTS."

"I see."

"IT IS ABOUT A DENTIST WHO IS ROOMMATES WITH A CHOCOLATIER. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, HILARITY ENSUES."

"I really, really don't care."

"COME, NOW. WE SHOULD DALLY NOT."

Armstrong and Roy were transported; they were now in a study room at the East City Alchemic Research Library. Liza, Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc were all sitting at a round table, playing poker. They appeared to be using M&Ms instead of chips, their faces carrying bored, solemn expressions.

"Yosh, full house," said Breda, scooping up the colorful M&M pile from the middle of the table.

"There goes my dinner," said Falman, a single tear running down his boney cheek.

"DO YOU SEE?"

"I see that no one here is having fun without me."

"THEY HAVE NO MONEY TO GAMBLE WITH BECAUSE OF YOUR CRUELTY."

"They'd have more money if they didn't keep botching up all the work that's assigned to me! Besides, gambling's illegal."

"I FEAR THAT YOU ARE NOT BEING EDUCATED."

"I'm bored."

"LET US JOURNEY ONWARDS TO THE ELRICS' ROOM AT THE INN."

"But Al is my heater and Ed's a ghost."

"THESE ARE ALL ILLUSIONS DESIGNED TO CHANGE YOU FOR THE BETTER."

"If all of this is not really happening, then how am I supposed to feel bad about it?"

"EASY. I JUST DO NOT INFORM YOU THAT THEY ARE ILLUSIONS."

"…Do you ever wonder if those steroids affect your mind, Major?"

"NO, NOT PARTICULARLY."

"Right then."

* * *

The two were now at a modest room at the Central City Hampton Inn.

Ed was sitting on the bed in front of the television, while Al was standing near the television in a weird pose. Roy noticed he was holding an antenna.

"A little more to the left, Al…" said Ed, a bored expression on his face.

Al moved slightly, the television's screen all blotchy and blurry.

"Little more…now lift the antenna a little higher…"

As Al adjusted to his new awkward position, the television screen became clear.

"Stop there, it's working now."

"How long am I supposed to stay like this, Niisan?"

"I dunno…there's a 'Dawson's Creek' marathon I don't wanna miss…"

"OPEN YOUR EYES, COLONEL MUSTANG, AND OBSERVE THE TRAVESTY BEFORE YOU."

Roy was starting to get annoyed. "And this is my fault because…?"

"EDWARD AND ALPHONSE DO NOT GET PAID ENOUGH EITHER. THEY ARE SO BUSY RUNNING YOUR ERRANDS THAT IT INTERFERES WITH THEIR REGULAR WORK AND THUS THEY CANNOT AFFORD A ROOM WITH DECENT CABLE."

"They don't deserve it if they're gonna watch 'Dawson's Creek.'"

"PLEASE TRY TO FEEL SOME REMORSE."

"No."

"VERY WELL. LET US HOPE THAT THE FINAL GHOST WILL BE ABLE TO PENETRATE YOUR OVERLY LARGE EGO."

Roy giggled at the word "penetrate."

* * *

Back at his apartment, Roy relaxed on his favorite chair again.

"Roy."

"Ah crap, I was almost asleep again. Who is it now?"

"It's me, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future."

"Ling Yao?"

"Yep!"

"That's strange. I thought you'd be, you know, terrifying."

"At first they were gonna send Dr. Goldtooth, because he's creepy as f**k, but he's got the flu."

"How did he get the flu if he's a ghost?"

Ling shrugged.

"And how are you all ghosts anyway if you're not actually dead?"

"Look, this is crack fiction, okay? Stop trying to inject logic into it all the time, Mr. I-think-I-own-a-motorbike."

"You have a point there."

"Anyway, I ate my script, so we're sort of winging it from here."

"What was the point of having characters with scripts, anyway, if two out of the four ended up destroyed?"

"I dunno. Extra pointless dialogue, I suppose."

"I hate pointless dialogue."

"Me too."

"It's like, it has no point, ya know?"

"I know right."

"With characters just rambling on, not moving the story forward or anything."

"Totally."

"I hate that."

"Me too."

"So did you see the new _Harry Potter_ movie?"

"We don't watch entertainment from Amestris in our land, as we believe they are the foreign devil."

"…I see. What do you watch then?"

"We don't watch movies in general. We sit by the river in the forest and open our senses to the divine nature surrounding us, appreciating the evanescence of things and feeling truly humble about our place in the universe."

"So you're a broke college student who can't afford to go to the movies?"

"Yeah pretty much."

"And you're doing this for extra cash?"

"Yes."

"So you get cash while Fullmetal gets root beer?"

"Yeah, that's all he wanted."

"Okay then."

"And the Major wanted body oil."

"Holy crap, I need mind bleach. Please don't tell me any more, let's just go."

"Okay."

* * *

"Welcome to the future, Mustang."

"Wha…what happened?"

Central was in ruins. The sky was blood-red, the wind was blowing dust and torn pieces of Amestrisian flags everywhere, and there was no sign of life.

"This will be your future if you do not change your ways, Colonel," said Ling as a still-standing dilapidated building near them lost a few chunks of wall to the wind.

For once, Roy was appalled. "Are you serious? What happened?"

"Well, apparently you end up not existing, so Ed is never recruited into the military, he and Al never uncover the conspiracy behind the government, and everyone dies as the Homunculi take over."

"…I'm trying to understand what I'm supposed to learn from this."

Ling face-palmed as he realized something.

"Oh shit, you know what, Colonel? I accidentally activated the 'If you never existed' illusion. It's usually reserved for people who've attempted suicide."

"Huh. So if I never existed, this would've happened to Amestris?" Roy's ego inflated tenfold. "I must be pretty important then."

"I may have done some damage there," said Ling. "Let's try activating the 'If you don't change your wicked ways' illusion, shall we?" He took out a small device and began fiddling with it.

"What is that? Is that how you people have been messing with me?"

"Yeah, these iPhones apps are amazing. Ah, here we go."

Roy and Ling found themselves in a rather normal-looking Central, its streets bustling with lively activity and traffic as usual.

"Nothing's changed."

"Exactly." Ling gestured around him. "No thirty-foot statues of you, no adult-only ball pits, no free taco stands and, worst of all-" Ling looked Roy straight in the eyes, "no military women in tiny miniskirts."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Roy collapsed in horror, the tears pouring out. "I'll change, I swear!"

* * *

**The Next Day**

"I have something to tell everyone," said Roy. "Please gather 'round."

His subordinates stopped their various duties and approached him.

"It has become increasingly apparent to me that my motorbike does not actually exist." He took out several motorbike magazines and pamphlets. "So I've decided to cut each of your salaries and buy one. Also, no more vacation days. I'm using them all instead so I can travel to Briggs and rub it in Olivier's face."

The subordinates were somehow unsurprised. Disappointed, but unsurprised.

"Carry on," said Roy, leaving his office in the middle of the workday to shop for his motorbike.

"On to Plan B then?" asked Falman.

The subordinates exchanged looks, then shrugged.

* * *

**OMAKE EPILOGUE**

Roy's subordinates' mass blog never quite hit it like they had hoped, as it received only two comments; one from Falman's mother reminding him to buy milk, and the other just an ad for free spam.

They did manage to later get a partial refund from Ed, Armstrong, Ling, and Maes's corpse.

Ling swallowed the iPhone.

**OMAKE EPILOGUE PART 2**

Upon realizing how the below-freezing temperatures of Briggs might affect his comfort, Roy bought a ticket to Tahiti instead. He had a good time.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I guess I could TECHNICALLY write these Omake as separate one-shot fics, but…I dunno, I guess I'm rewarding people who keep reading this fodder xD

You can think of this particular two-part Omake as my ChristmaHanuKwanzaka gift to you :D

This Omake is especially dedicated to loyal reviewers! I hearts making people laugh ^3^

*Is in warm fuzzy holiday mood and hands out heart-shaped cookies*

**PS**- Who here thinks a Roy-dictatorship would be an awesome one? xD


	19. Breasts of Dublith

**Author's Note: **Izumi was ORIGINALLY gonna cough blood for a stupid reason…but I thought Tourette's made her more interesting xD

Also, if you read this fic on or before November the 13th…I added a few lines to that Roy – Grumman dialogue in Chapter 14 ^_^

And don't forget to check out my profile for links to fanwork for my crackfics! xD

Onwards!

* * *

**Chapter 15:** Breasts of Dublith

"I'm not *hic* going!"

"Niisan, you have to!"

"Why?"

"Because if you don't, they can kick you out of the military!"

"Pfffft."

"And the Colonel might play the vuvuzela again."

"Pfffft fine."

It was a usual humid afternoon in the Curtis butcher shop's dusty backyard. Al, Ed, and Izumi were sparring on and off, as Sig and Mr. Mason toiled over a giant cutting board to keep their business afloat. Al was currently reminding Ed of his annual assessment for the renewal of his State Alchemist title.

"What did you do last year, anyway?" asked Izumi curiously.

"I *hic* mixed blue and red dyes to make purple. The Fuhrer seemed to like it."

"…They…have low standards, don't they?" said Izumi.

"You think that this year I should maybe mix yellow and red?"

"I think you should do something not stupid," said Al.

"Pfffft I'll just make something up on the train ride to Southern Headquarters. That's what I do in canon, anyway."

"You're also a lot nicer to me in canon," muttered Al.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Maybe I should go with you?"

"Oh no you don't," said Izumi. "I need you for target practice."

"Target practice?"

"Sig bought me a paintball-gun kit for Christmas."

"Great. Just great."

* * *

"Are you sure you're not gonna stay?" asked Candy as Zit approached the front door of the Playboy Mansion, his wounds having healed and his mind made up.

"I must be leaving," said Zit. "I can't stay in one place too long."

"Aw that's too bad," said Candy. "Well if you ever need anything, you're always welcome to come back."

"Thank you for everything."

Zit left with a heavy heart, but he knew it had to be this way.

As he opened the gate to leave the courtyard a few seconds later, he heard a commotion behind him. He turned to see a woman dragging something out from one of the mansion's side doors.

"If we catch you peeping in here again, Yoki, we'll feed you to the Chihuahuas! And there's like five hundred of them here!" she screamed, throwing someone down the steps. "Now get the hell off this property!" She marched back in and slammed the door.

The man she tossed lay on the ground, grunting and rolling to his side so he could sit up. He wore shabby robes, and was balding and had a pencil moustache.

Zit approached him.

"Do you want to be my slave?" he asked.

"Pardon?"

"Be my slave."

"Okay."

* * *

Al was outside washing his armor with a hose when a white, windowless van drove up to him.

"Hey kid," said the driver, who was a small man with a prominent nose and spiky, black hair. "Do you like candy?"

"Yeah."

"And kittens?"

"Yeah, I like those things."

"Then get in the back of this van."

"Okay."

* * *

It wasn't the first time Al was kidnapped by a man in a windowless van, considering that he was unafraid of harm and always took the chance in case there actually were kittens and candy to be had, but this was the first time he couldn't get away.

He wasn't prepared for the giant magnet.

"I get the magnet," said Al, stuck to a giant slab of magnet in a concrete basement somewhere, "but why is there a snake-woman inside me?"

"We stuck her inside you so you wouldn't get away as we turned on the magnet," explained the dog-like man who had driven them there, "but now she's stuck to the magnet too because of all her piercings and we can't risk turning it off again in case you run away."

"…okay…"

"This author goes through some ridiculousss lengths for lame jokess, Precious" said Bido.

All of the strange animal-like people were muttering general agreements when the metal door behind them opened and a spiky-haired man in round sunglasses and a fur-collared leather vest walked in.

"So this is him, eh?" he asked haughtily, looking over his sunglasses at him. "He really is empty, then?"

"Who are you?" demanded Al. "What's with all the freaks?"

"Hey we resents that!" said Bido from the ceiling. "Precious," he added.

"These are all people who can't live in the normal world," explained the man. "So they live here with me. They're chimeras, you see."

"Chimeras?"

"Yes. For example, Martel-the woman inside you- is part snake." He then turned to indicate the people behind him. "Dorchette here is part dog, sometimes I take him game hunting, but we had him neutered recently so he's not as virile. Roa is part cow, he provides us with milk. And we also have an alligator and a bird…" he indicated each person as he named them. Then he looked at the last person, a man with his head inside a bowl of water sitting on his shoulders. "…and that man there is part fish. Though one can't help but question the logic behind it."

"I'm a Siamese fighting fish, Boss," gurgled fish-man.

"Right."

"Are you one of them too?" Al asked the man.

"Nope." He bent over so he could be eye-level with Al, then removed his sunglasses so he could see him clearly. "I'm a Homunculus." He showed him the Ouroboros tattoo on the back of his hand. "My name is The Situation."

Al nearly mentally crapped himself laughing. The Situation scowled.

"You mean like-"

"_Not_ like the guy from 'Jersey Shore'!" he said irritably. "*cough*" he added.

"Wait a minute," said Al, "there are no such things as Homunculi! They don't exist!"

"You know what else doesn't exist? Tin Man from 'The Wizard of Oz.'"

"…"

"Yeah. That's what I thought. You really have no right to question my existence."

"…I'm sorry?"

"Do you want me to prove it to you?" The Situation stood up. To Al's horror, the man called Roa lifted his huge mallet and smashed the top half of The Situation's head clean off.

"Why did you do that?" Al asked Roa. "I thought he was your…" Al watched in shock as The Situation rose from the ground, his head rapidly regenerating itself; bone, muscle, and skin grew in a scene that is animated so awesomely that the author has seen it maybe like 48 times.

"Roa," he said calmly, "why did you smash my head in with a mallet?"

"THERE WAS A MOSQUITO, BOSS."

"You need to lay off the steroids, Roa. They make you incredibly violent."

"RIGHT, BOSS."

"Anyway," The Situation turned back to Al. "Back to where I was before being _rudely _interrupted…let me prove to you what I am." He took out a small pocket knife and made a centimeter-long cut with it on his finger, which healed instantly. "Pretty impressive, huh?"

"…right," said Al. "So what do you want from me?"

"What do I want? _What do I want_? I want money, I want women, I want immortality, I want everything in this world! And, most of all, I want people to be painfully aware of me!"

Al stared. "…and you kidnapped me because…?"

"You can help me with one of those," explained The Situation. "You can give me immortality. Just tell me how to affix souls to objects, and I'll tell you how to make a body for your own soul. Deal?"

"But I don't know how. I wasn't the one who did it."

"Then who was it?"

* * *

Several miles away, a certain famous State Alchemist got off a train and puked all over the Southern HQ steps just as the Fuhrer was coming down them.

"Ah, Fullmetal. I see you still drink like a fish."

"Yeah, that's what your *hic* mom told me last night."

"What?"

"What?"

"Anyway, I presume you're here for your annual assessment?"

"What about my *hic* ass?"

"Don't worry about it, Fullmetal. You're a precious human sacrifice, I wouldn't dream of letting you leave the army and be out of my sight."

"I'm a *hic* what?"

"Here, drink." Bradley handed Ed some vodka. "Anyway, some of my men and I are off to commit an unholy slaughter against humanity in Dublith. Wanna come with?"

Not having anything better to do, and relieved that he didn't have to go buy dyes, Ed shrugged and followed the Fuhrer back to the train station.

* * *

Back in Dublith, it became apparent to the butcher shop staff that something had happened to Al.

"Someone saw Al being taken to this place," Mr. Mason handed Izumi a packet of matches marked with The Prancing Pony logo. "Apparently they saw them taking Al and thought he was stolen from the Dublith Museum of Medieval History."

Sig and Izumi proceeded to laugh.

"Oh wait, we should probably go save him," said Izumi.

"You go do it, I don't feel like it," said Sig.

"You never feel like doing anything. That's why we're still childless."

"I don't want to rear a child in a home with a foul-mouthed housewife."

Izumi threw Sig out the window and ran out, crying.

* * *

Izumi found The Prancing Pony in the basement of an abandoned Twinkie factory twenty minutes later. She fully expected to have to beat the living crap out of people in order to force entry to the bar, but the animal-people-freaks were delighted to let her in; she was the only female there beside Martel now and, frankly, no one wanted to kiss a woman who was genetically spliced with a venomous black mamba.

Still stung over Sig's remark, she ripped the metal basement door off its hinges and bellowed at Al.

"ALPHONSE! YOU F**KING BRAT!"

"Teacher! Your Tourette's-"

"IT'S NOT TOURETTE'S! I'M F**KING PISSED!"

"I'm sorry!"

"HOW COULD YOU GET YOURSELF KIDNAPPED?" she tore through the chimeras in the room as she stomped towards him, sending them running with their tails literally between their legs.

"I'm sorry, Teacher! I didn't mean to follow strangers home! I-"

The Situation cleared his throat.

"Um, don't mean to be rude," he said, "but who are you?"

"I'M A DOMESTIC ENGINEER!" bellowed Izumi. "And if you don't mind, I would like to take my stupid student back to my butcher shop and discipline him!"

"Why don't you just leave him in my care and send his brother over instead?"

"You want me to walk away from here, this basement, where you are holding my student against his will, and send his brother here so you can do who-knows-what to him?"

"Yeah."

"Alright."

* * *

Ed stumbled in about fifteen minutes later.

"Oh, are you the famous Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"Who the *hic* hell wants to know?"

"The Situation."

Confused by this name, Ed turned to Al. "Why is it that every time I turn around you get kidnapped by weird people in vans, Al?"

"I'm sorry, Niisan. This time they put a woman inside me."

Ed blinked a few times, befuddled. "But I thought Winry said that the man puts _his_ *CENSORED* in the _woman's _*CENSORED*-"

"Enough!" said The Situation, not wanting to be ignored. "I want you to tell me the secret to this kid's immortality!" He indicated Al behind him with his thumb.

Ed was confused again. "What?"

"Tell me how to affix a soul to an object!"

"Wait wait wait- you think Al is _immortal_?"

"…Yeah?"

Ed laughed. "Pfffft he's not immortal!"

"He's not?"

"Nah! That body could reject his soul at any minute!"

"WHAT?" yelled Al.

"Didn't I *hic* tell you, Al?"

"No!"

"…oops…"

"Niisan!"

"Well ya know now."

"_Niisan!_"

"I'll make it up to you, Al! I'll beat up your kidnappers!"

"I don't care anymore."

"Like hell you will," said The Situation. "Roa, Dorchette, get him outta here. Let me deal with this brat."

Roa and Dorchette tied Al's hands with chains, turned off the magnet, and ran off with him.

"Urgh, now I have to do things," said Ed.

He transmuted his right arm into the usual blade and charged at The Situation, who then deflected it with his bare hand.

"When did you get so hard?" asked Ed, taken aback.

"That's what she said," said The Situation.

Ed looked at his right arm to make sure he didn't accidentally transmute it into jello again; when Winry had seen the last time it happened…well, the contusions were healed now so it didn't matter.

"What _was_ that?" asked Ed.

"My Ultimate Shield! You won't be able to lay a scratch me!"

"Then I'll just have to attack your center!" said Ed, preparing to pounce again.

"HAHAHA I don't think so." The Situation removed his vest. "You see, kid, I've been going easy on you. I normally don't show this form to people since it makes me too beautiful, but I think you've earned it."

Before Ed's eyes, The Situation's skin turned into something else.

It was an odd sort of color, both bright and dark at the same time; it was a shade of orange that so violently defied physics it couldn't possibly exist on the visible color spectrum but did anyway, offending the other natural colors.

"I already told you," said The Situation, putting his sunglasses back on, "you will not defeat me."

* * *

Dorchette and Roa were running through the hallway in the upper level, a limp and unhappy Al on Roa's shoulders, when Dorchette stopped, suddenly tense.

"WHAT IS IT, FIDO?"

"I told you to stop calling me that," said Dorchette irritably, sniffing the air. "I smell something unpleasant."

"I'M SORRY, I HAD A PHILLY CHEESE STEAK EARLIER AND MY FOUR STOMACHS ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR HANDLING THAT-"

"No, you idiot, not that. I think I smell our old army buddies." He turned to stare at Roa as he realized something sickening. "Dude, you eat steak?"

"NOT NORMALLY, NO. BUT THAT COW WAS BEING A TOTAL BITCH."

Dorchette's heart swelled with nostalgic pain as he remembered the bitch he fell in love with last summer... Alas, 'twas not meant to be.

…

The author is done with the stupid animal jokes, this isn't working.

* * *

"Road successfully sealed!" yelled a blue-clad soldier outside the Twinkie factory.

"Perimeters completely surrounded!" bellowed another.

"Right, then!" Bradley stood before the factory in front of his men. He held up a megaphone and spoke into it. "Residents of The Prancing Pony! This is the military! You have violated Amestris law by double parking, mixing your recyclables, and working under expired work visas! That's three strikes! That means death sentence!"

Bradley lowered the megaphone and pulled out his two chainsaws. "MOVE IN!" he ordered the men behind him.

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

"Are you dead yet?"

Ed was on the floor; he was bleeding from his head, and his blood had smeared on the wall he was thrown against.

But thanks to the laws of anime, these were but minor hindrances for the teenager.

"What *hic* are you?" he said, getting up and brushing off his injuries.

"Well my body composition is identical to that of a typical New Jerseyan," explained The Situation. "But I'm a Homunculus, so I have superior abilities." He grabbed Ed and threw him into a nearby box of Twinkies.

In the midst of all the splinters and creamy goodness, Ed had an idea.

"Why don't you stop this now and tell me your secret?" asked The Situation, lifting Ed up once more.

Ed clapped his hands and did something to The Situation's hand.

* * *

Meanwhile, the soldiers in the level above them watched in fascination as Roa and Armstrong beat each other to a pulp, their veins bulging, the steroids pushing each to his limit.

"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" they screamed.

Armstrong was using his artistic alchemy, while Roa used his horns. It wasn't long before both were at a stalemate.

"QUITE IMPRESSIVE," said Armstrong. "I DO NOT THINK I HAVE FELT THE BLOOD AND STEROIDS RUSH THROUGH MY VEINS LIKE THIS IN YEARS."

"THANKS. I WORK OUT A LOT."

"IS THAT ESTEE LAUDER'S SERIES-TWO BODY OIL?"

"NO, IT IS A NEW ONE CALLED 'BOD-SHINE,' BY LOREAL. BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT."

"INDEED YOU ARE."

The soldiers retched.

"I DO NOT THINK I CAN BRING MYSELF TO KILL A MAN SO SIMILAR TO MYSELF," confessed Armstrong.

"I FEEL THE SAME WAY. I HEARTILY SURRENDER."

Without warning, Bradley snuck up from behind Roa and dealt him a near-fatal wound. Dorchette, who was hiding in the pipes above, managed to slice a pipe so the both of them could escape through the steam.

Bradley turned to Armstrong. "Didn't I order you to slay everyone?" he asked.

Armstrong frowned and looked down.

"Stop feeling sympathetic to your enemies," continued Bradley. "It's foolish. That's why you haven't been promoted." He paused. "That and the steroid use."

* * *

"What the hell?"

Ed had somehow managed to break through The Situation's supposedly impenetrable shield by nearly shattering his hand.

The Situation promptly regenerated his hand and tested it by punching a wall. "Hm, it's still hard," he told himself. "That's what she said," he added. He attacked Ed again, only for Ed to do the same thing to his stomach.

"Urgh! What the hell did you do to my shield, brat?"

"Its pretty simple if you think about it," said Ed. "You can't make something out of nothing. In other words you made that shield out of something. The hardness of the compound changes depending on the *hic* intermolecular bonds of atoms… You mentioned earlier that although you're a Homunculus, your body has the same material composition as New Jerseyans. And everyone knows that people on reality TV shows tend to be 79% plastic. The rest is just a matter of knowing simple alchemy."

The Situation scratched the back of his head.

"You want me to *hic* dumb it down for you?"

"Yeah."

"I make shield go bye-bye."

"What? Shield go bye-bye?

"Yes."

"No!"

"Furthermore!" Ed punched him again. "You can't regenerate and harden at the same time!"

"HAHA I thought you were just a stupid brat!" said The Situation as he regenerated. "I like your spirit- but I gotta get going now! I'm late for the salon…gotta keep up with the man-maintenance ya know."

"Urgh, man-maintenance. That's what Mustang always lectures me about."

Suddenly, the doors burst open, and three or four soldiers opened fire on them.

As Ed scrambled out of the way, The Situation did a cliché escape through the air vents.

"We found the Fullmetal alchemist!" yelled one of the soldiers out the door. "He's secure!"

"Wait," said Ed, "If you knew who I am and were trying to rescue me, why did you shoot at me too?"

The soldiers looked at each other, then back at him.

"We thought you were in danger."

"Ah okay."

* * *

Meanwhile, Al was bored in the sewer.

"You'd think the military would anticipate these air vent and sewer escapes by now," he told Martel.

"Hm."

They heard footsteps approach him, and saw that it was The Situation.

"So you guys made it."

"Yeah," said Martel. "Is everyone else alright?"

"Well in canon everybody dies," said The Situation. "But for the sake of this crack fic, let's just say they were all shot at with walkie-talkies."

"…okay."

"Let's get out of here."

"Yeah."

"I cannot allow that." The Situation turned to see someone walking towards him. Someone with weapons and an eye patch.

"Is that a pirate?" asked the Situation, squinting through the darkness.

"I'm King Bradley, moron."

"Oh. Hey what are you doing here?"

"How old are you?" asked Bradley quietly.

"I dunno, about two hundred years old." The Situation ran his fingers through his hair. "But I look good, don't I?"

"I turn 60 this year," continued Bradley. "The body doesn't move as well as it used to." He paused, dramatically running his hand over the side of one of his chainsaws. "And going to the bathroom takes a lot longer also. Anyway, I'm here to bring you back to our father."

"Our father? Don't tell me you're a Homunculus too?"

"I am," he said. "And dad's like super pissed at you, dude."

"You don't understand, I _had_ to run away!" yelled The Situation. "He was being so unfair! I was one hundred and two at the time, I was _so _old enough for Ultra Porn!" He began tanning his arm, but Bradley sliced it off with his chainsaw.

"I don't have the Ultimate Tan like you," said Bradley. "Nor do I have the Ultimate Blades that can cut through anything. So how can a person like me survive battlefields full of flying bullets and shells be able to rise to this rank?" Bradley removed his eye patch, revealing an 8-ball glass eye. "…Do you understand? I can see everything."

"So you cheat?" said The Situation.

"What? I don't cheat-"

"You totally do."

"No, I just have an advantage-"

"_Cheater cheater pumpkin-eater-_"

"Oh, shut up." He proceeded to dice up his elder brother in a morbidly violent way that left the author questioning the 13+ rating of the Fullmetal Alchemist manga.

* * *

As Al watched the two undying creatures battle, Roa and Dorchette showed up.

"Is Martel still safe?" asked Dorchette.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she chimed from within Al's belly.

"Good, we're off to save The Situation." He looked at Al. "Keep her safe, okay?"

"Okay," said Al.

"Wait- I wanna fight too!" said Martel.

"You can't fight, you don't have any limbs, remember?"

"Oh, right."

"Come, Roa."

"YES, FIDO."

As they approached the Homunculi's fight, they got eaten by sewer gators.

"Wow, that was anticlimactic," said Al.

"Yeah. You have to let me out so I can kill the Fuhrer, Alphonse."

"No! I can't do that!"

"What? Why?"

"I promised them I'd keep you safe!"

"They kidnapped you and held you against your will not twenty minutes ago."

"Yeah well I'm trying to be heroic."

Bradley stabbed him anyway.

* * *

"Al!"

Al had lost consciousness for the first time in three years.

"Al? _Al? _Can you hear me?"

"…Niisan?"

"Al! Wake up!"

Al slowly woke up. To his horror, he saw that the front of his armor was off, revealing a large blood stain on his inside that trailed all the way to the body bag two meters away from him. Several soldiers were standing over him and Ed, their expressions solemn.

"Hey look, Al!" exclaimed Ed. "You finally got your period!"

"…I can't even begin to tell you everything that's wrong with what you just said."

"Fullmetal," said the Fuhrer from nearby, "Did you make any deals with the New Jerseyan with the tan?"

"Nope."

"Did he give you any useful information?"

"Something about man-maintenance?"

"I see. Well, at least you two are safe now. Try not to die before the Promised Day, yes?"

"Um…okay…"

The Fuhrer walked away, leaving Ed wondering if he got himself entangled in some sort of Cthulhu cult.

* * *

"…so you remember the Kanye West-thing now, but you still don't have enough true knowledge to gain our bodies back?"

"Pretty much."

It was early morning, several hours after their ordeal, and Ed was cleaning Al's armor with some Oxyclean he had stolen from Izumi's cupboard.

"Well that sucks," said Ed.

"Yeah."

"I wonder why Bradley killed all those people."

"You know how particular he is about the three-strikes rule," said Al.

"Yeah, that's true. Didn't Mustang say he would change that once he became Fuhrer?"

"Yeah, he says he wants to extend it to four strikes."

"No, I think he wants to shorten it to two strikes."

"…"

"All done!" Ed finished cleaning Al's armor and began putting him back together.

"Niisan…did you paint racing stripes on my armor?"

"Yeah, I thought they'd look cool! Don't they?"

"Are you drunk again?"

"Surprisingly enough, no."

"EDWARD!" screamed someone from inside the butcher shop. "DID YOU STEAL MY OXYCLEAN, YOU LITTLE S**T?"

"Ah crap."

"YOU SPILLED GREEN TEA ALL OVER MY G**DAMN SOFA! COME CLEAN IT!"

"Yeah yeah."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

"Welcome to our new office, my loyal subordinates."

The transfer to Central was complete now, and Roy and his subordinates found themselves in a large office, far more luxurious than the one in East City, with a beautiful window view of the city and brand-new mahogany furniture.

"What's the catch?" asked Havoc.

"Catch? There's no catch!"

They stared at him.

"Okay okay, this is where the Chupacabra lives."

Falman squealed and ran out of the office.

"Haha just kidding. Someone died in here or something. Anyway, make yourselves at home."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Greed's "Fullmetal Lol copy" (as I like to call them) was ORIGINALLY gonna be called "Bailout," since that word amused me. Then I had Al mistake him for a paler version of "The Situation." Then I asked myself, "Should I go ahead and replace Greed with 'The Situation' entirely?...Nah, I love him far too much for that." And THEN I came up with the "tanning = Ultimate Shield" idea and it would have been a sin not to use that.

xD

But for the record, Greed *is* my favorite FMA character after Al

**PS**- I spent roughly a year and a half of my time at high school perfecting my Gollum impersonation. It's probably why I was single the whole time.

…

WORTH.

IT.

*precious*


	20. Envoy from the East

**Author's Note:** I have just returned from The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I have the following to say about it:

BUTTERBEER IS LIQUID COCAINE.

Thank you.

* * *

**Chapter 16:** Envoy from the East

It was late.

Liza Hawkeye was walking home with her arms laden with groceries, a metal Robo-puppy at the end of the leash she was holding. "My first day off in weeks, and I wasted it," said Liza Hawkeye to herself sadly as she subconsciously steered herself into an empty alleyway, perhaps hoping for more excitement in her life.

Just then, she heard a strangely hollow voice.

"Miss…what perfect teeth you have…"

"Huh?" She stopped, tilting her head to try to figure out where the voice was coming from.

"You must have had…HEADGEAR!"

She swung around and shot Barry the Dentist in the torso. He dropped the pair of pliers he was holding and hastily backed away.

"Who are you?" she demanded. "How did you know about…about the headgear?"

"Oh, I can tell. I happen to be the best dentist in all the land! Barry the Dentist!"

"Wait I remember hearing about you…didn't you commit suicide?"

"Oh, you've heard of me?"

"I heard that you killed yourself by watching a 'Housewives of New Jersey' marathon that gave you a brain hemorrhage."

"…that wasn't one of my better ideas. But here I am! Alive and well in this armor!"

As much as it pained her to ruin her last few Roy-free hours, she decided it was best to inform him of this interesting development.

* * *

"…and so _I_ said, 'this is my house, I pay the bills so I shouldn't have to wear pants if I don't want to,' and she was all like 'yeah but we're at the museum.' That's when she left me."

The Colonel's new subordinates groaned; already they knew too much information, especially regarding Roy's weird love life.

"In short, gentlemen, women are fickle things. One day they could be enjoying the sight of your hairy legs, but then the next day they're embarrassed to be with you in public."

On the other hand, Havoc and the other subordinates who came to Central with the Colonel just kept working. They lived in a world of horrors of their own now.

The phone on Roy's desk rang.

"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard. Yes? Oh, Lieutenant Sparrowtoes, I thought today was your day off- what? You don't say? Hmmm…"

* * *

"January 23rd, 1890."

"Timothy Smith, three cavities."

"July 8th, 1892."

"Carol Walker, root canal."

"October 12th, same year."

"Ah, little twelve-year-old Olivier Armstrong. I had to fix her tooth after she got into a bar fight."

"Er…April 2nd, 1899."

"Let's see…the zoo hired me that day. I had to help an alligator who broke its tooth after someone threw a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal in its enclosure."

The Colonel closed the file. "Well, that's him all right. Barry the Dentist."

He, Hawkeye, and Falman were currently in an empty warehouse somewhere where they could interview Barry in private. Roy had been sitting on a wooden box and interviewing Barry, confirming this strange turn of events.

"But what I don't get," continued Roy, "is why you're alive in that suit of armor when you've been declared dead."

"You mean you don't know?" asked Barry.

"What do you mean?"

"Aren't you part of the military?"

"Yes, I am."

"I guess they didn't tell you about the secret lab experiments."

The Colonel was thoroughly unhappy about being left out of military secrets. In his mind, the military was just another fraternity.

To this day, he was convinced that his national exam was not the day he proved his worth as a Flame Alchemist, but that time he stole a tank and drove it into the Broadway premiere of Vitamins: The Musical.

"Explain everything," demanded Roy.

Barry described the 5th laboratory, the Internet experiments, the two people with the Ouroboros tattoos…

"Do you remember any of the researchers?"

"Sorta, but they were turned into Internet."

"What about the people with the Ouroboros tattoos? What do they look like?"

"Hm…well one looks like a whore…and the other looks like a bigger whore…"

"I see. Is there anything else?"

"Nope, that's all I know."

"Very well." Roy made his decision. He stood up and looked at Falman.

"Falman! You are my loyal subordinate, and thus I know you'll do anything for me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I need you to look after Barry, as I have to do some research at Headquarters. And don't worry about work, I'll just let you use up your sick days."

"Colonel, I really don't want this."

"Hey it could be worse. In canon, I leave you alone with a known serial killer."

"…"

"Be grateful."

* * *

Meanwhile, deep in the ground under Headquarters, a certain family reunion was taking place…

"I see your inspection of the South went well, Fuhrer," said a deep, quiet voice.

It was a vast, gray room with a high ceiling. The light, which came only from a few artificial sources, only deepened the shadows of the numerous giant cables and strange machinery in the room. There were several ghostly-pale figures in the room too, one of whom was strapped to a large cross hanging from the ceiling with chains.

"Yes, it has," said King Bradley. "I've managed to confirm three worthy sacrifices. And also…"

"Did you bring back some KFC like I asked?"

"Er…no, but I brought back The Situation. He wasn't easy to acquire; he wouldn't come on his own so I had to force him."

At the sound of his name, The Situation opened his eyes.

"That's what she said," he muttered weakly.

"Oh god, a hundred years later and he still says that stupid line," huffed STD.

"Ah, if it isn't my dear elder sister, the Ultimate Fingernail," responded The Situation, raising his thin, neatly-waxed New Jerseyan eyebrows.

"Shut it."

"HA!" laughed Spam. "She always was the Meg of this family, wasn't she?" He did a crude imitation of STD slashing her fingers. "'Ooh look at me, I grow extra long fingers! I'm so useful!'"

"SHUT UP!" shouted STD. "I AM NOT THE MEG OF THIS FAMILY! AND AT LEAST MY VOICE ACTRESS ISN'T FEMALE!" She frowned at her own words. "Wait…"

"You should talk, Spam," said The Situation. "Any more skin showing and they'd declare this thing hentai."

"I'll dress any way I damn well please!"

"You look like a walking pair of censor bars."

"Why you- I'll kick your ass!"

"Bring it, palm tree!"

"Stop fighting back there!" Father was sitting a few meters away with his back to all of them, the life-sustaining cords still attached. "You all came out of me and I could very well put you back in!"

There was a collective "ew" around the room.

"And who else do we have here?" The Situation looked down at the others in the room.

"Fat-Ass, you're still…bald."

"Yep," said Fat-Ass. "Spam says it suits me better that the red hair did."

"It really does. Where's the little brat, by the way?" asked The Situation.

"Selim?" asked Fat-Ass. "Oh he's at Chuck-E-Cheese's."

"Hm." The Situation turned to the last man in the room, Bradley. "And what the hell is up with you, gramps?"

"Father created him," said STD, "for his final purpose. He was born some time after you left."

"King Bradley, huh? Known for numerous battlefield glory and rising to dictatorship at the age of forty…You were a Homunculus all along then."

"I am the Homunculus Spoiler," said Bradley menacingly, looking up at The Situation with one cold, blue eye. "And you are going to die."

"Knock it off, Spoiler, no he's not," said STD.

"Not yet, anyway."

"Again, all of you, be quiet. Siblings shouldn't fight." Father got up from his chair and walked over to his bizarre offspring to look at them. "Hmmm what a dilemma, what a dilemma…"

"What's wrong, Father?" asked STD.

"Well only five of you are here," said Father, "and The Situation is tied up…" Father shuffled his feet and scratched the back of his head, looking down at a piece of paper as he did so. "I don't suppose all of you want to go to Sears for a family photo? I have a coupon."

The Homunculi stared.

"It's for memories."

They continued to stare.

"I just thought it would be a nice thing to have before I melt down and drink The Situation." More staring. "That's what parents do to discipline their children, right? Melt and drink them?"

"Er…sure, why not," said Spam.

Father sighed. "Oh, The Situation, why did you betray me?"

The Situation said nothing.

"Was it really about the ban on the Ultra Porn?"

"Yeah, it was. I also didn't like your 7 o'clock curfew. Or the fact that you forced me to drink cod liver oil and do homework."

"I see…Would you be willing to rejoin me?"

"Hell nah. The Situation rolls on his own!"

"Very well, then. I shall have to drink you up."

"That's what she-"

"SITUATION, I SWEAR TO GOD-"

"Yeah yeah, sis, shut up."

The floor below The Situation opened up, and a huge container of scorching, bubbling liquid rose up to his feet.

"…I see you still like those James Bond movies, Dad."

"Oh, son, you know me so well."

"It smells like curry."

"It is curry."

"You're going to melt me in curry."

"Yes."

"Fantastic."

The Situation was lowered slowly into the vat of curry, the rusty chains rattling, the smell and heat overwhelming him.

"You just wait, Dad, I'll be back!" screamed The Situation, the liquid burning his feet and steadily rising up.

"Just be still and liquidate. When I create you again, you'll be more obedient."

"IT WAS ME WHO STOLE YOUR CREDIT CARD THAT ONE TIME! I USED IT TO BUY PLUTONIUM FROM SOME ISHBALAN NATIONALIST IN A MALL PARKING LOT!"

"So it was_ you_ who ruined my perfect credit score!"

With his remaining breath, The Situation laughed like a maniac, then lived no more.

Through a complicated mechanism, his Internet was extracted from the curry vat and poured into a wine glass. Father picked it up.

"I propose a toast," he said, "to the loyalty and respect of my remaining children. May you grow up and be prosperous lawyers and doctors!"

"Uh…Father?" said Spam, "we're all walking abominations who're planning on destroying humanity, remember?"

"Oh, right. Well, let's toast to that then."

"How many calories is the Internet?" asked Fat-Ass curiously. STD snipped off his head again.

Father slammed the glass down on the table. "Okay that's it, you know what? I'm signing us all up for a family therapy session. No complaints!"

The Homunculi groaned.

* * *

Some time later, King Bradley walked along the side of his huge mansion, lost in his thoughts.

"Daddy!"

A young boy ran up to him, his mother catching up a few seconds later.

"Hello, Selim."

"How was your inspection of the south, dear?" asked Mrs. Bradley.

"It went well. How was Chuck-E-Cheese's, son?"

"I got kicked out after I vomited babies in the ball pit. It was fun!"

"Oh, Selim, you."

"Honey, won't you retire already?" asked Mrs. Bradley. "Leave your title to someone else?"

"And lose the mansion and my Subway discount? No way."

"I just wish you'd spend more time with the family."

"I'll spend some time with you tonight, don't worry."

"Daddy! Won't you read me this book?" Selim eagerly held up his book.

"Oh Selim," Bradley ruffled his son's hair affectionately, "Dumbledore dies in the end."

Selim cried.

* * *

"…and so once I give this to Winry," said a sober Ed, holding a box of chocolates, "she won't kill me for damaging her automail in the fight with The Situation."

The Elric brothers found themselves in Rush Valley again; Al had had a difficult time convincing Ed to come back so he could repair his arm, as Ed hadn't forgotten about being organ-robbed. In the end, he took one of Al's legs and fashioned himself a chastity-belt for his torso. Al was feeling quite lopsided right now, hopping alongside his tiny elder brother.

"You know what would really help, Niisan?"

"Hm?"

"If that wasn't the display box for the actual box of chocolates."

"Pfffft I don't wanna get her fat."

"And yet you advise me about women."

"Women don't wanna be fat either!"

"You know what else they don't want? Empty boxes."

"Whatever."

They had finally arrived at Garfiel's automail shop. Ed gulped.

* * *

The author of this fic sat there at her computer for a while, wondering what to do to Garfiel that could possibly make him any more crack than he already is.

"Oh! What if he…no…no…" She scratched her head. "Aha! I'll just…no…he already wears that…"

She gave up and walked away.

…

Then she made a smoothie and got back to work.

* * *

"Oh Edo-kun," cooed Garfiel, fanning himself against the humidity. "You're just as young and supple as ever."

"Er…thanks."

"You eighteen yet?"

"No. Is Winry here?"

"Yes, she's in the back," he said disappointingly.

The Elrics went to the back room to find Winry working on an automail leg. She stopped to see who walked in.

"Oh hey guys! What a surprise! What's-"

She took one look at what happened to Ed's automail arm, and immediately a second, green demonic fanged head sprouted from her mouth, giving off a sickening gurgling-roar sound as it disemboweled him.

* * *

"…so what did you learn from your master in Dublith?" asked Winry as she made a makeshift sling for Ed's broken metal arm, ignoring the more immediate problem of his entrails slowly seeping out of the gaping wound on his belly.

"We have a clue," said Al, "but it's not much."

"Well that's a start," said Winry.

"We might need to go to Central for something."

"OOOH can I go too? I wanna see if Mr. Hughes got divorced yet."

"Uh…yeah I guess."

"Awesome!" Winry finished up. "Anyway, I need to go look for parts for Ed's arm. Why don't you guys kill some time and explore the town a bit?"

"Yeah but…could you stitch up Niisan first, please?"

"…fine. But you guys owe me for all this."

* * *

"Pfffft that torso chastity-belt didn't help at all against Winry's second head." Ed kicked a tin can as he and Al walked through the dusty road, the small town buzzing with automail-related work and activity. "What is there to do around here, anyway?"

"Hey Niisan, what's that?" asked Al, pointing at Ed's leg.

Ed looked down. "It appears to be a man eating my foot, Al."

* * *

"…Thanks for the meal!" said the young man, stuffing his face at a restaurant- kiosk some twenty minutes later. "It's delicious!"

"Um," said Ed, "you're just chewing on table now."

"Oh, woops." He stopped.

"Who are you, anyway?"

"My name is Ling Yao! Nice to meet you!"

"Oh, you're like that thing Winry likes."

"He said Yao, Niisan, not yaoi."

"Tomato tomato."

"Please don't call me Yaoi."

"Are you a foreigner?" asked Al curiously, noticing the accent and the clothes.

"Yep! From Xing!"

"Xing, huh?" said Ed. For some reason, Ed had immediate dislike of him. It was probably his inner racist.

"I'm so honored to come to this country and meet Hannah Montana and the Terminator!"

Ed and Al headdesked.

"We're not...those..." grumbled Ed.

"Say, are you guys alchemists?" asked Ling.

"Yep! Niisan here's a State Alchemist."

"Ooh how exciting…I myself am interested in finding out about the Internet."

Ed and Al exchanged dark looks.

"Why are you interested?" asked Ed.

Ling's eyes suddenly became wider, more serious.

"I hear that the Internet allows anyone to make friends," he said. "Friends from across the world, even. Thousands and thousands of friends, and you don't even have to meet them in person!"

"That's one of the dumber myths about it, yeah," muttered Ed.

"But can't you just make friends on your own?" asked Al. "Is that hard in your country?"

Ling sighed. "It's not that simple. You see, I'm the Emperor's son, so it's virtually impossible."

Ed an Al gasped.

"Doesn't that make you a prince or something?" asked Al.

"Yep. You see, as royalty, the only people I can interact with are family and servants," said Ling. "Fuu! Lan Fan! Appear!"

Seemingly out of thin air, two black-clad ninjas appeared. "We are here, Young Master!"

"Can't you be friends with them?" asked Al. "You seem open enough to transcend your class system."

"I would if I could," said Ling. "But they're not normal people. They were genetically engineered to be perfect warriors with no will, and raised since birth to obey my every command."

"That's impossible," said Ed.

"They're completely brainless without me. Watch," he turned to face Lan Fan. "Hop on one leg." She proceeded to do so. He turned back to Ed. "She'll keep doing that until I say stop, or she'll just pass out in a few hours."

"Why can't you do that for me, Al?"

"I'm not your slave, Niisan."

"So would you two happen to know anything about the Internet?"

"Um, no."

"Hmm. I guess I have to do the next logical thing. Fuu! Lan Fan! Attack them!"

"Wha-"

"Yes, Young Master!"

"AHHH!"

* * *

A half-destroyed city and a severed automail arm later, Ed was pretty pissed.

"What the hell is up with your master?" Ed yelled at Lan Fan. He slung the broken remains of his arm over his shoulder and glared at the now-trapped Lan Fan.

"I answer to no one but the Master!"

"Pfffft."

"Wow, you guys sure made a mess!" Ling had sauntered up to them, looking relatively pleased for someone whose servant was just defeated by a three-limbed spaz.

"You dumbass! Look what you guys did!"

"You and brother sure are strong…how would you two like to work building temples for me?"

"How would you like to kiss my ass?"

"There he is!"

"Huh?" Ed found himself surrounded by angry townspeople.

"You owe me for the meal!" said a man in an apron, waving a bill.

"Who's gonna all fix this?" yelled another woman whose house was destroyed.

"You're gonna pay, kid!"

"W-Wait a sec!" stammered Ed. "None of this is my fault! It was him-" Ed turned to point at Ling, but Ling was already several yards away, smiling and shouting "I'm uninsured!"

"Ah crap."

"Niisan!" Al was running up to him. "Guess what, Niisan? I can do alchemy without a circle now! Look!"

Al fixed the entire part of town with a simple clap of his hands. Ed, with his short stature, ability to get tired and hurt, missing arm, and general lack of anything impressive overall, was quite stung with jealousy.

"Looks like you've fixed the city well, Al."

"Yep! Isn't that great?"

"Uh-huh."

"Let's go see if Winry's ready for us, Niisan."

"Sure! But careful on the way back now, don't get your kidney stolen like I did- oh, that's right, you have none."

Al punched Ed's Winry-wound.

* * *

The Elrics returned to Garfiel's to find the Xingese people there. Ling was drinking tea while Garfiel was cooling himself off by rubbing an ice cube over an exposed clavicle, licking his lips and winking at Ed as he did so.

"What the hell are you doing here?" demanded Ed.

"I work here, Edo-kun, but I can do other things if you want me to."

"Not you- him!"

"We're friends now, right?" asked Ling.

"_What?_"

"In my country, when people accept a duel, it means they want to be friends."

"I didn't accept crap, you sent your cronies after us-"

"In my country, we also castrate those who refuse friendship with royalty."

Ed threw his severed arm at him. "WELL THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK?"

"Ow! Is this how friends behave?"

"PFFFFT!"

"No really, I'm asking because I have none."

"What's all the commotion?" Winry had just walked in. She looked at Al, then Ed, then slowly noticed the shattered stump where the automail arm used to be.

"Oh god, she's unhinging her jaw to use her second head! Run, Niisan!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

*GURGLE-HISS*

* * *

Some time later, Ling sat atop a roof, letting the breeze ruffle his hair.

"These Amestris people sure are strange, aren't they?" he told his servants. "With their weaponized limbs and hair the color of urine."

"We're sorry we let them defeat us, Young Master," said Fuu, who was sitting near him with Lan Fan, their heads bowed.

"That's okay, guys, no biggie. But I will have to flail you later for disgracing my family."

"Yes, Young Master."

Ling looked out at the sky, observing the strange buildings as though looking beyond them.

"I sense something odd about this country," he said suddenly. "Something hasn't felt right since we set foot here."

"How so, Young Master?" asked Lan Fan.

"Don't you sense it too, Lan Fan?" Ling pointed at his nose. "Us Asians are all mystical and stuff, after all. We have an innate ability to sense when something's off, even if it's very slight."

Somewhere, Roy Mustang was experiencing some heavy diarrhea after sensing something amiss about the furniture arrangement in his office.

It didn't quite follow the basic principles of feng shui.

* * *

The tattered old horse-drawn wagon moved noisily in an otherwise quiet road, the meadow surrounding it overgrown with weeds.

Zit sat at the back of the wagon, cracking walnuts with his fist and looking all emo.

"Um…Zit, sir?" asked Yoki, who was the driver of the wagon, "it's a bit hard to call you Zit all the time, what's your real name?"

"The people of Ishbal proudly carry the names given to them by the Flying Spaghetti Monster," growled Zit darkly.

"Then Zit sir must have a wonderful name."

"My name is not important."

The wagon hit a bump in the road and shook slightly. "Could we turn back at some point? I left my girlfriend at the mansion."

"Both of us know that is a lie."

Yoki sighed. His luck sure has been rotten lately, and now he was stuck with some weird no-name guy.

"I'm sure your name is important, Zit sir, why don't you tell it to me?"

Zit hesitated.

"My name…My name is Slartibartfast," he said.

"I beg your pardon?" sputtered Yoki.

"Slartibartfast."

"_Slartibartfast?_"

"I said my name wasn't important."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

The author found a dead roach at the bottom of her smoothie. Thankfully, it was still whole.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

After noticing how rearranging Roy's office furniture gave him stomach problems, his subordinates rejoiced at the discovery of their new weapon.

* * *

**Author's Note:** That has to be the only feng shui joke in existence. And yay Douglas Adams reference :D

I also tried a more in-character Ed (and Ling) this time. Any thoughts on that? (By the way, in the manga, Ed *does* seem a bit racist towards Ling, calling him things like "weirdo- eyes" and "slanty-eyes." These phrases are especially interesting when you think about how the author herself is Asian, so it is kinda funny… And not to mention, it did kind of irk me that the only characters in this manga that traveled from a China-like country are ninjas and can sense energy. But I digress.)

**ALSO**- chapters are taking longer nowadays because my life is in a bit of hiatus. I work about 32-39 hours a week, plus I'm in the midst of grad school applications, so please be patient, keep reading, and keep reviewing ^3^

Thank you!

PS- Omake ideas also welcome.


	21. Scapegoat

**Author's Note: **I've recently read somewhere that the majority of fanfiction writers and readersare female…I guess I never thought about it, but I think it's true. I wonder why that is? I have a feeling yaoi has a lot to do with it…xD

I know of a couple male readers of this fic, do I have any more? Just curious :3

* * *

**Chapter 17:** Scapegoat

"Niisan…I can't believe you had Ling arrested for being an illegal alien."

"I knew the day would come when my *hic* State Alchemist title was finally good for something!"

"Niisan…you're a jerk…"

**Flashback to train ride**

"…and so my clan chose me for this mission because I watched the most episodes of _Naruto_, thus I was the most skilled ninja."

Once again, the Elric brothers were on a train to Central, but this time they had some company.

"How come they *hic* sent you to find friends?" asked an inebriated Winry.

"Each of my clan members is of a different social class, so no one is allowed to be friends."

"Ling, where did your escorts go?" asked Al curiously. "Didn't they follow you here?"

"They're back in their Pokéballs_."_

"Oh."

"Why do you need escorts anyway?" asked Ed.

"While I can defend myself, it's best for me not to travel alone. I'm only a teenager, after all."

"Really? How old are you?" asked Al.

"I'm fifteen."

"Hey *hic* Ed, aren't you almost sixteen?"

"Hm?" Ed was sure Winry was confused because she was drunk. "No, I'm twelve."

"Actually, she's right, Niisan. You turn sixteen in two months."

Ed chuckled. "Don't be ridiculous, Al. I'm twelve."

"No, you're not."

"But I turned twelve and then joined the army."

"Yeah. That was over three years ago."

Ed stared, then chuckled again, this time more nervously. "C'mon, Al, quit pulling my chain."

Al stared.

"Be serious, Al. I'm like 4'11."

Al, Winry, and Ling stared as Ed's face went from confusion, to amusement, to confusion again, then to horror.

There are a total of three recorded earth-shaking, spine-chilling screams in this world…One was emitted approximately two seconds after Vato Falman, age eighteen, received his first military assignment as Eastern Headquarters' hotdog vendor. The second was from Stephanie Meyer who, upon completing her masterpiece exploring the depth of human love and compassion, received the Blue Screen of Death from her computer, thus having to crap something out for her publisher's deadline in two hours. The last was a collective scream; many nerds around the world were devastated over the cheesiness of _Harry Potter_'s ending_._

Such was the scream that emitted from Edward's throat.

**Present**

"…It's not his fault you're short for your age."

"Don't *hic* call me short. I'll…I'll…I'll turn you into a *hic* Prius!"

"I think you should put the bottle away now-"

"I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER ANY OF THIS!"

And so he wouldn't.

* * *

At the warehouse, Falman and Barry had just finished a very one-sided game of chess when Falman decided to open up about his life. "…and then my mom made me join the military. She said that nerds don't deserve to be happy."

"…Boy, when people said they'd rather have a root canal than listen to certain people, I had a hard time believing them until today."

"But I thought you said you didn't bother with Novacain."

"On one occasion, the author had a cavity drilled without the use of Novacain. She'd do it ten times over to undo watching 'Skins' that one time."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, really."

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Falman's face turned serious as he readied his gun, just in case it was Jehovah's witnesses again.

"It's me!" said Havoc.

"Phew." Falman opened the door. "Tell me you're here to cover me."

"Yeah, I'm sick of hearing about his mom," piped Barry.

"Nope, I just came here to bring you food. The Colonel says I can't cover you since I used up all my sick days to go to Disney World."

A vein in Falman's left temple twitched.

Havoc went on. "He also thanks you for being the perfect subordinate and having the most unused sick days out of all of us. It makes you the most useful one in covert operations like these."

"How is this a covert operation? All I do is sit hear and guard my mouth against this weirdo."

"Gee, Falman, I'd love to stay and listen to your boring problems all day long, but I have a hot date on the outside world waiting for me."

"Havoc…What's it like? Having a date?"

"I dunno, it's pretty sweet I guess. What's it like having an IQ of 190?"

"It's like seeing the world through a thousand perfect, clear eyes, each seeing the same thing; a society that is naught more than a vile, squirming nest of inconsiderate vermin, each leaving its own trail of filth and rudeness in its wake."

"Uh…Falman, buddy? Havoc left."

"Oh."

"Your perfect, clear eyes didn't see that?"

"Shut up."

* * *

The woman named Sheska wiped her sweaty brow as she carried heavy documents through the hallway. She had managed to find a job at Central Headquarters after Sergeant Foker discovered her picture-perfect memory.

She still remembered what a Betamax was.

"Sheska!" Another woman of higher rank approached her. "You were working in the 3rd document storage room, right? Do you have the key?"

"Oh, the 3rd one? Yes I have it let me just- oh wait, no, you can't go in there!"

"Why not?"

Sheska frantically searched her mind for some excuse.

"Um…I, er…the room is…I'm using it as a refrigerator now, you'll have to come back later."

"Oh, okay." She walked away.

"Phew…"

That had been close. She then decided to peek into the room and check on the Colonel. "Colonel Mustang, sir? Are you done reading those naughty magazines?"

"Huh?" Roy abruptly woke up amongst a pile of Playboy magazines. "Oh…how long have I been in here?"

"About ten minutes."

"Hm." Roy got up and left the room. "Clean all those, will ya?" he vaguely waved at the magazines behind him.

"What do I do with them?"

"Feed them to the Chupacabra."

* * *

After washing his face in the bathroom sink, Roy gazed intently at his reflection in the mirror. It had been a few weeks since Hughes's death, but he was no closer to finding out who killed him than when he had first began. He sighed and closed his eyes. He really did miss him…

"COLONEL ROY MUSTANG."

"…shit."

"FANCY MEETING YOU HERE."

"Hi, Major."

Armstrong got out of the stall and washed his hands.

"So how was your inspection of the south?"

"IT WENT VERY WELL."

Roy noticed the bandages on Armstrong's head. "It seems you've been injured."

"I WAS IMPALED BY A COW HORN. THE STEROIDS BLOCK THE PAIN."

"I see."

"I ALSO MET THE ELRICS THERE."

"Oh? How are they?"

"IT SEEMS THEY ARE BEING LOOKED AFTER BY SOME SORT OF SHE-WITCH AND HER MINIONS."

"Hm."

"YOU KNOW, IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT SUCH A YOUNG BOY AS EDWARD IS IN THE MILITARY."

"Yes…One day, he'll experience hell on the battlefield, just like we did."

"INDEED."

Roy looked at the mirror one more time and rubbed his hand against the stubble on his cheeks. Then he put the towel away and picked up his jacket."By the way, Major, I know this sounds a bit out of the blue, but… I've been getting some very lewd calls from some guy named Garfiel. I looked him up and I'm pretty sure he's a registered sex offender. Would you happen to know if anyone's been giving my cards away to strange people?"

"I DO NOT."

"Hm."

* * *

"It felt right. Being Maria Ross. Somehow it felt right."

"…You have a few complications you need to work through, Spam."

STD, Spam, and Fat-Ass were in an underground meeting again, Spam looking in front of a full-length mirror as he cupped his hands over his flat chest. Fat-Ass sat a few meters away, observing. He had a white piece of paper on his tongue.

STD cleared her throat. "Continuing our earlier conversation…Mustang has been sniffing around about Hughes's death lately, hasn't he?"

"It seems so."

"Did he find something definite?"

"Not really. He sucks at research, he keeps procrastinating and reading Playboy instead. I don't think we have anything to worry about."

"It's a shame we can't just kill him. It's bad enough he's not evil like us, but he's been costing the military at least twelve thousand a year in faulty and backed-up paperwork."

Spam started pacing. "I'm worried that he might find something out eventually," he continued. "He can't procrastinate forever."

"Why don't we complicate the plot even more and have someone arrested for Hughes's death?"

"Hm, I don't see why not- Hey! Fat-Ass! What is wrong with you?" Spam finally noticed the white paper on Fat-Ass's tongue.

STD rubbed the bridge of her nose in annoyance. "We told you not to put those temporary tattoos on your tongue, Fat-Ass," she said. "The toxins are probably why you keep having meltdowns over your self-image."

"I'm thorry."

"Speaking of which, mine's starting to wear off." Spam walked over to the pile of temporary Ouroboros tattoos in the corner.

"Anyway, I say we find a scapegoat as soon as possible," said STD.

As he sifted through the slips of temporary tattoos in hopes of finding a pink one, Spam thought out loud. "Let's see…who in the military is hotter than both of us?"

* * *

"Second Lieutenant Maria Ross," said the high-ranked officer as he approached Maria at the Central Headquarters cafeteria.

"Yes?"

"Please hand over your gun and come with me."

"Why?"

"You are under arrest."

"Look, if this is about the time I sprayed our school bus with moose pheromones, that record was expunged years ago-"

"You are a prime suspect in the murder of Brigadier General Hughes."

"Oh…Ohhhhhhh crap."

* * *

Havoc walked hurriedly towards the café, where his date was waiting.

"Sorry I'm late Solaris!"

"Not at all. I haven't waited long."

"You look especially fine today, Solaris, I'm so happy we're spending time together!"

STD smirked under her disguise. Spam had said that the joke glasses with the mustache, big nose, and bushy eyebrows made a terrible disguise, but clearly they were working.

"I can't wait to hear more of your stories about the military, Jean…"

* * *

"I don't see why you have to be drunk right now," said Ed to Winry as they approached Central Headquarters.

"Garfiel says I *hic* have to," said Winry. "It's the only thing that keeps my second head in check."

"Your first head is the one that needs checking, if you ask me," muttered Ed. "Anyway, we'll meet you at the inn."

"Okay." She left just as Al spotted someone familiar.

"Oh hey look, Niisan, it's Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"Hello, boys, long time no see."

"Nice to see you aga- oh crap, that means Mustang is here too."

"Yo, Fullmetal." Roy just exited the building as well.

"Pfffft what are you doing here?"

"I was transferred here recently. My new office is pretty sweet, wanna see it?"

"No."

"You're never fun to be around."

"Hey how is Hughes? We wanted to visit him."

Roy hesitated. "Er…He won the lottery."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah. He lives in the Disney Castle now."

"Isn't it made of plastic?"

"Hey! Why don't you kids head to the inn, eh? They built a McDonald's there. It has a playground and everything."

"OH BOY!" Ed nearly skipped to the inn, Al following him in shame.

"By the way, sir," said Hawkeye as she showed him a file, "it seems that Second Lieutenant Maria Ross was arrested for Hughes's murder."

Roy searched his memory. "Hm, Maria Ross…Maria Ross…"

"It's okay, sir. You don't have to pretend to know women's names around me."

"Oh, that's good."

"She's one of the Major's subordinates, but she denies everything."

"I see." Roy thought for a moment. "Lieutenant Doveliver, I want you to look up any and all documents related to…to, um…"

"Maria Ross."

"Right. Be sure to keep it top secret."

"Just like your tattoo, sir?"

Roy turned red.

"Yeah well you have a tattoo also!"

Liza turned on her heel and walked away with utmost dignity.

"Mine's better."

* * *

Meanwhile, Armstrong had decided to visit Maria Ross in jail to see if he could possibly help her.

"SO WHAT HAPPENED?"

"They said they recovered a bullet from my gun from Hughes's body."

"THERE WAS A BULLET MISSING FROM YOUR GUN."

"That's because I shot a suit-of-armor dentist named Barry at the 5th laboratory!"

"…YOU MEAN YOU SHOT A KNOWINGLY DECEASED DENTIST AT A BUILDING THAT LATER EXPLODED?"

"…Yeah?"

"IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD COME UP WITH ANOTHER STORY. YOU DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK YOU ARE ON DRUGS."

"Oh Major, are they going to execute me?"

"PROBABLY."

"What should I do? Who should I hire as a lawyer?"

"APPARENTLY WARRANT OFFICER FALMAN HAD STUDIED LAW AT ONE POINT, PERHAPS YOU CAN ASK HIM TO REPRESENT YOU."

"Where is he now?"

"ON SICK LEAVE. ACCORDING TO THE COLONEL, HE IS CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM MASSIVE HEMORRHOIDS."

"That…doesn't help…"

"I KNOW OF A FINE FUNERAL HOME IN DOWNTOWN CENTRAL. I SHALL INFORM YOUR PARENTS OF THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION."

"Go. Just go."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Roy walked into his office the next day only to stop dead in his tracks at the sight before him.

"Havoc," he said, "did you move your desk?"

"Hm? Oh yeah, I did. I thought it looked better like this."

Roy's eyebrow twitched. "It's not facing north," he whispered menacingly. "Put it back."

"It's bolted to the floor."

Before he could retaliate, Roy felt the familiar spasms and ran to the bathroom before it was too late.

His subordinates were frightened of their own stomach pains that followed, but they were merely from laughing their asses off so hard.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I HAVEN'T MADE A SINGLE SHORT JOKE REGARDING ED

Except for now

o.o

Hope you enjoyed it :D

So I notice I get a ridiculous number of hits every month. I find this pretty awesome, especially since I also get hits from so many different countries (including Nippon! :D) So c'mon guys, review. I really wanna know what people are thinking about this fic, I put a lot of thought and effort into it ^_^


	22. Barbecue

**Author's Note:** Today is my birthday o3o

Today also marks the year-plus-fourteen-day anniversary of "Chapter 1: Taboo" first being posted! Huzzah!

* * *

**Chapter 18: **Barbecue

"Falman, Mister! Look!" Barry the Dentist held up the day's newspaper, which featured a photo of Maria Ross. "It's the Major's subordinate! They arrested her for Mister Hughes's murder!"

"OMG plot twist!" Falman fainted.

* * *

Ed was lying down on his bed at the inn. He was currently counting his fingers, making sure there were really ten there.

"NIISAN!" Al burst into the room.

"AHHH WHAT? What is it?"

He threw the newspaper at Ed.

"Read it!"

Ed's eyes widened as he read the page before him.

"Is…is this for real, Al?"

"Yes!"

"This…this can't be!"

"What do we do, Niisan?"

"We have no time to lose!" Ed grabbed his red coat off the chair and put it on. "Those scented pine cones won't be on sale forever, Al, and I'm determined to be the first one there-"

"No, you idiot! Look at the front page!"

"Oh." He picked it up again and looked at it. "Oh hey it's Second Lieutenant Ross- _holy hell_."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you! Hughes is-"

"She looks so hot in this photo."

Al face-palmed.

* * *

Jail was certainly no place for a prince; it did not suit Ling at all. He had been there over three hours and still there were no petal girls to cover his bed in rose petals like he had ordered the guard earlier to send.

"What is your name?" asked the officer in front of Ling's jail cell.

"Ling Yao."

"Why have you entered this country without papers?"

"I told you, I did, but I ate them-"

"How did you come here?"

"I power-walked."

"For what purpose did you come to this country?"

"To make friends! Will you be my friend?"

"No."

Just then, there seemed to be some sort of commotion down the hallway.

"AHHHHHHH HE'S TRYING TO DRILL MY TEETH!"

"Huh?" The officer turned around in time to see the man in armor waving a dental drill around.

"OUT OF MY WAY!"

"AHHH!"

The officers scrambled out of the way; they were already traumatized by the Central City dentists, who favored the use of helium instead of numbing gas and videotaped the resulting hilarity.

"Lemmie out!" shouted Ling as Barry ran past.

"Eh?" Barry turned around. "You're not Maria Ross."

"Hey! I'm a prince! So lemmie out, kay?"

"Nah, I don't have time to waste on you-"

"But they'll deport me! Please?"

"No."

"I'll give you gold?"

"I have no use for gold."

"I'll you Xingese food?"

"I have no use for food either!"

"Me love you long time?"

Barry thought for a moment. "Okay," he said, and he broke him out.

"So who is this Maria Ross and why are you looking for her?" asked Ling as he and Barry broke into the room marked "CONFISCATED" to find weapons.

"Long story, I'll explain later!" They each looked through the boxes frantically, Ling searching specifically for his royal sword with the kanji for "fax machine" on the hilt.

"Found it-"

"I'll be taking that!"

"But that's my sword-"

"Look, a dental drill isn't going to ward them off forever."

"Fine, but you're only borrowing it!"

"Let's go!"

They ran past the shelves of boxes back out the exit.

The world would never know the horrors of the box labeled "Contents of Garfiel's Closet."

* * *

After a few minutes of hurriedly searching, they found Maria Ross's cell.

"Found you, Ross Missy! We've come to save you!"

The black-haired figure in the room looked up at them and sighed. "She's three cells down."

"Oh…thanks!" They left.

Solf J. Kimbley sighed in his cell again.

* * *

"There you are!"

"Huh?" Maria looked up from where she sat to see a Xingese man and-

"You!"

"Oh, so you remember me, Missy?"

"Yes! You're the one I shot! Thank god you're here, you can be my witness-"

"No can do. I'm here to make things more complicated and potentially worse by breaking you out of jail."

"What? No! Why would I compromise my situation even more?"

"The Major appointed himself as your lawyer."

"Let's go."

* * *

At his office, Roy was listening to the broadcast.

"…an order has been issued to capture Maria Ross immediately. If she resists, permission to fire to kill granted."

"Lieutenant," he said as he got up and took out his gloves from his desk drawer. "I'm going out for a little. Look after the office."

"Sir? Have you filled out the report on the Central City bus station streaker yet?"

"Er…you do it."

"I'm not authorized to, sir."

"How would you like to be promoted, Lieutenant?"

"You're not authorized to promote me, sir."

"I'm not authorized? That's crazy! Well, I'll just have to go inform the Fuhrer of all this 'not authorized' business!"

"Sir, you can't just leave-"

He left.

Lieutenant Hawkeye sighed. She would have to superglue his desk to the ceiling now.

* * *

Maria Ross struggled to keep up with Ling and Barry as they winded their way through what seemed like a complicated labyrinth of alleyways.

"Hey, where are we running to?" she panted.

"Just hurry up, Missy!" They turned a corner and bumped into none other than the Elric brothers.

"Ed and Al?" asked Ross.

"Second Lieutenant Ross?" asked the Elrics.

"Barry?" asked Al.

"Al?" asked Barry.

"Ling!" said Ling.

"What's going on?" asked Ed. "Ross, did you really kill-"

"No time for that now!" Barry pushed him out of the way and directed Ross to another alleyway. "Run straight to the warehouse cluster down that alley! You can escape in the darkness there! Hurry before some soldiers kill you!"

"I'm sorry, Edward! I'll explain later!"

She ran for it; Ed and Al looked at Barry and Ling.

"So are you guys like a weird pair of vigilantes now or what?"

"I'm a sidekick!" chimed Ling.

"Shut up, kid."

* * *

Falman awoke on the floor several hours after Barry left.

He sat up and rubbed his head. "Shoot, I must have overdosed on Splenda again." He looked around and realized Barry was missing.

"Crap!" He hurried to the phone to report his situation, pacing as he heard the other line ringing.

"Hello? Mom? I'm in trouble! The man I was guarding ran away! They're gonna yell at me at work!...Yes I know I'm not supposed to call you while Jeopardy is on- yes yes I'll take Mittens to the vet later- are you listening Mom? Hello?"

* * *

Maria tore into the dark alleyway only to find herself face-to-face with the Flame Alchemist.

"Maria Ross, huh?" said Roy in an intimidating voice, his face darkened by shadows.

Maria immediately took out a small canister of pepper spray and let him have it, emptying it in the process.

Roy didn't flinch. "_Please_, I'm immune to that now." Maria gulped. He took a few steps closer, drawing out his deadly hand. "Tonight, you die."

The night sky lit up with the explosion.

"Crap!" Ed ran ahead of Al to see what happened.

* * *

Edward's face was livid as he saw the scene before him. The Colonel was just visible behind the smoke rising from the body.

"YOU BASTARD!"

"Yo, Fullmetal."

"YOU KILLED MY MOM!"

"What?"

Ed proceeded to sob over the body.

Roy scratched his head, perplexed. "Um…that's Maria Ross."

"Wha- NO! YOU BASTARD!"

He lunged at Roy, and Al showed up just in time to hold him back.

"Niisan!" He struggled to keep the wriggling Ed from breaking free. "Niisan, just because he lied about there being a playground at the inn, that's no excuse to-"

"But he killed Maria Ross, Al!"

"What? Why?"

"She called me 'Keanu Reeves,'" responded Roy ominously.

The Elrics gulped.

* * *

The Fuhrer's assistant Philip arrived at the dark alleyway along with several other officers to recover the body some time later.

"What happened?" he asked Roy.

"The orders stated that, if met with resistance, it was alright to shoot to kill. She resisted and I killed her according to the order. That is all."

"Yeah but we didn't really mean it."

"Then what did you mean?"

"We just wanted to sound cool over the radio broadcast."

"Well she's dead now."

* * *

Armstrong, Roy, and the Elrics sat in the lobby at the morgue, the air thick with icy silence.

"I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT INFORMING YOU OF HUGHES'S DEATH. I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULD TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY."

"Why would we take it the wrong way?" asked Ed.

"BECAUSE IT WAS SORT OF YOUR FAULT."

"Oh."

"How are we gonna tell Winry, Niisan? She wanted to see him so badly."

"If she reacts any way close to how she acted when Sirius died, we're gonna need to hide the nail gun."

Just then Dr. Knox entered the waiting room.

He looked at each of them, his face somber. "I don't know how to say this…" he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Then he put them back on and sighed. "We did everything we could, but we couldn't save Maria Ross."

"…" said everyone.

"You know you work at the morgue, right Dr. Knox?" asked Roy.

"Oh."

"ARE YOU SURE IT WAS HER?"

"There's no mistaking the dental records…It was Maria Ross alright. Burnt to a crisp."

"HOW VERY SADDENED I AM BY THIS NEWS."

"You seem quite stressed out, Major." Roy got up and collected his coat. "Why don't you take a vacation, hm? How about the eastern region? I hear the women are so beautiful you don't even notice when they rob you."

As he left, Dr. Knox took out a small, plastic bag of something and shook it. "Beef jerky, anyone?"

* * *

At the warehouse, Falman was reaching his limit.

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you go out on your own and then bring a Xingese prisoner with you?"

Barry's white soul-eyes glowed with no regret nor shame whatsoever. "I dunno, he was looking for friends, so I thought maybe he could keep you company since your mom won't let you have any friends."

Ling was currently outside, stoking a fire. Falman and Barry watched out the window as he used a sheet of metal to make smoke signals.

"That's not the issue here! You broke two people out of prison! Aren't you worried you'll get found out?"

"It's fine. The prison officers barely noticed I was even there."

Falman nearly tore his scalp off in frustration. Barry watched as a man approached Ling with a large, flat box. Ling paid the man, the man thanked him and left, then Ling opened the box and helped himself to the pizza inside.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Ling didn't want to be Falman's friend.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

A Hazmat team had to be summoned to clean the bathroom at Central HQ after the Colonel had seen what Lieutenant Hawkeye did to his desk.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Get it? Ling ordered pizza via smoke signals…? :B

Anyway-

**On a more serious note**, if anyone would like to donate to help the victims of the natural disaster in Japan, I posted a link to the Red Cross on my profile. Even though it's a developed nation, tens of thousands of people lost their homes and livelihoods, so every little bit helps.


	23. OMAKE PART FOUR

**Author's Note: **This was originally gonna be an omake in which all the FMA characters get exposed to a gas leak…but then I remembered they all act like that anyway.

**SPOILERS** for those reading the manga/watching the new anime who don't know who all the Homunculi are yet.

* * *

**OMAKE PART FOUR:** Family Therapy Session

At the community center, the room that once held a certain failed AA meeting was now being occupied by another group of people. The lopsided AA sign had been taped over by a hastily hand-scribbled and crumpled piece of paper marked "Family Therapy." Inside, eight people sat in the same folding chairs, while the snack table remained, as it was, stale and untouched.

"Good morning everyone, I trust you're all well?" asked Shou Tucker as he turned a new page in his large, yellow notepad.

Father smiled and said "Yes." The Homunculi, however, just muttered general greetings, many of them sitting with their arms crossed and eyes filled with malice.

"Now, I want you all to know that this is a safe place where we can all feel free from personal attacks. Let's try our best to lower our emotional barriers and open up to each other." Tucker turned to Father. "Father, since you perpetrated this meeting, may I ask why you felt it was necessary?"

"My children are out of control," he said. "I tried my best to raise them with utmost love and discipline, yet still they find the need to fight both me and each other."

"Hm, I see. Let's see if we can resolve this issue. Spam, why don't we start with you?" Tucker put down his notepad and took out a file. "Now, Spam, according to my file, you were recently arrested for exposing yourself at the Central City bus station. Why did you feel the need to do that?"

"Well if you _must_ know," responded Spam stiffly as STD, The Situation, and Selim suppressed giggles, "I'm sick and tired of people always questioning my gender!"

"It's quite understandable, Spam. Adolescence is a rough time for a fragile young lady such as yourself, and-"

The three aforementioned giggling Homunculi could not contain the violent storm of laughter that burst forth.

Spam picked up his chair and threw it in their direction; Selim immediately consumed it with his creepy, unholy shadows.

"I'm afraid that chair will have to come out of your room deposit," said Tucker.

"This is what I'm talking about," said Father. "Such unruly behavior is unfitting for a family."

"That's why we're here," said Tucker.

Father wiped his eyes with a tissue. "It's just… hard, you know? Being a single parent and all."

"Yes, believe me, I know." The corner of his mouth twitched. If I may ask, what ever happened to the mother?"

"There was never a mother. I reproduce asexually."

"… I see."

"Through budding."

"…"

"Anyway, I try my hardest but they're all so ungrateful!"

"I assure you, Father, that as long as all of you open up and acknowledge each other's feelings, we can work through all the issues and make your family bonds stronger."

Several of the Homunculi snorted; STD went "Hmpf!"

"STD, let's talk about you for a bit. Your father tells me you two don't get along very well. Is there something you would like to share?"

"I feel like nothing impresses him," she said. "I try my best to kill as many of our enemies as possible, but it's never good enough for him!"

"But you're trying to kill them with Chlamydia, sweetie," said Father gently. "You're not killing them fast enough."

"But I kill them with my fingernails too!"

"I had never intended for you to do it like that. You need to clip those things, they're getting out of control."

"It's no use. They kicked me out of the nail salon because I kept accidentally killing the women who tried filing them down for me."

"Why don't you ask your brother to help with his chainsaws?"

"I did try it," said Bradley. "Her nails broke one of them."

"Don't lie, it was fine," responded STD.

"No, it wasn't. You still owe me for a new one."

"The hell I do."

"I can tell they're fake, you know."

"They're not fake, it's obvious!"

"I'm not talking about the nails anymore."

"All right, that's it, I'm leaving." She stood up and marched to the door.

"Please STD, Bradley- let us cool down for a bit and then get back to you. I'd really like us all to stay for the duration of the session." STD sat down but further away from Bradley this time.

Tucker added a note to his notepad, then turned to Fat-Ass.

"Now, er- Fat-Ass, was it? Why don't we talk a little about you?"

Fat-Ass was hunched in the corner of the room, licking the blood of an Ishbalan child off his hands.

"I don't understand why everyone eats Ishbalan children in that corner," muttered Tucker to himself.

"Fat-Ass has an eating disorder," explained Father. "Since he was born, he has had a weight problem and has been jumping from diet to diet, none of which seem to work."

"But this one is working, Father! Children have less calories than adults."

"Hm," said Tucker. "Father, did you ever wonder if naming him 'Fat-Ass' affected his childhood development?"

"What childhood? All of my children are born as they are now."

"… Okay then." Tucker made a few notes in his notepad, then frowned, shook his head, and erased them. "Fat-Ass, why do you feel the need to diet?" he asked. "Are you unsatisfied about your weight?"

"Why? Are you calling me fat?"

"No, he's calling you the perfect picture of health," spat Spam. "Of course you're fat, look at yourself! It's actually become your power! You can kill more people than STD does just by sitting on them!"

Fat-Ass burst into tears.

"Dammit, now look what you've done!" said The Situation.

"Somebody had to tell him," said Spam.

"It's okay, Fat-Ass," The Situation reassured him, "I'll teach you some exercises for your abs, you'll look like me in no time."

"There now, you see?" said Tucker, "This is how family should be. Always helping each other out."

"And it's Xingese children you wanna eat," continued The Situation, "the Ishbalan ones are more fatty."

"Okay."

"Tch!" Spam glared at them both. "You need to stop giving him hope, The Situation."

"Don't be so cruel, Spam," said Father. "What have I taught you? Appearance is deceiving. You yourself weigh far more than all of us combined."

Everyone sniggered as Spam turned red with indignity.

"It's true," said The Situation. "We can't use wooden floors at home, he'll sink through them. Like, I'm not trying to be funny, he'll literally sink."

Spam made a mental note to step on his face later.

"Right," said Tucker. "Why don't we hear from the two living together?"

He now turned his attention to Bradley and Selim. The air between them was so thick with tension it had its own gravitational orbit, with stale chips and moldy cookies from the snack table floating around it.

That didn't even make any sense.

"From my understanding, you are having some serious conflicts, yes?"

"Yeah," said Selim. "I can't stand him. He treats me like a child."

"Forgive me, but, are you not a child?"

"I am the eldest sibling here."

Tucker began to write more notes in his notepad, but then gave up and tossed it in the trash can.

"If you don't want to be treated as a child," stated Bradley, "why do you insist on story time and lunch bibs?"

Selim blushed. "I'm supposed to be acting the part of an adorable adoptee!"

"You're trying too hard, if you ask me. How the _hell_ did you manage to get chicken pox?"

"I didn't, I just drew dots on myself with Crayola markers."

"Then why did you make me rub you with oatmeal?"

"To fool my pretend mother."

"She was on vacation in Xing at the time!"

"Was she really?"

" Yes!"

"Oh."

"So why-"

"I was itchy!"

"NO YOU WERE NOT!"

"Er, please, let us not raise our voices," said Tucker.

"And another thing!" piped Selim. "He ruins stories for me!"

"That's my special power, I can't help it."

"You know how long I waited to get 'Naruto Shippuden Season 58' on DVD?" Selim crossed his arms. "I wanted his marriage to Sasuke in the end to be a surprise."

"Listen to your pretend father, Selim," said Tucker. "Listen to the words he uses. 'I can't help it.' Don't you feel like that sometimes too?"

Selim looked down at his feet bashfully. "I feel like that about murder," he mumbled.

"… Um… okay, so try putting yourself in your pretend father's shoes. Do you feel like maybe you two can relate?"

"I dunno."

"Selim, tell the truth."

"… okay, maybe a little."

"You see?" said Tucker. "You two share some common ground. It's a great place to start."

Selim would not have it."But you know what else he does? He spoils food! I starve in that mansion!"

"You're fine, you just eat too much," said Bradley.

"Selim has an eating disorder too," interjected Father. "He can't stop eating."

"He even steals my special diet food," added Fat-Ass.

"It's not me, it's the shadows," explained Selim. "It's like being pregnant, I'm eating for twelve thousand and eighty six here."

Tucker got up and recovered his notebook from the trash can. He then sat back down and scribbled something along the lines of "eldest male sibling who looks eight but is pregnant."

"_So?_" jeered Spam. "I have tons of souls in me too, you don't see me swallowing things up like a vacuum over an ant hill."

"You act out in other ways," hissed Selim, "like putting on makeup and then having make-believe conversations with men at fancy parties in front of the mirror when you think no one's looking."

"I was practicing my espionage techniques for Father!" he screeched, turning bright red again. "And besides, at least I'm not still stuck in the 'I'm scared of toilets' phase!"

The other Homunculi laughed.

"It's true, he won't go near the thing," said Bradley.

"How dare you," replied Selim, his voice seething with cold, homicidal fury, "I am a four hundred year old unspeakable creature composed of a screaming vortex of tortured souls. With a single thought I can tear you limb from li-"

"Oh my god will you shut up?" exclaimed Spam, throwing his arms up. "Jeez, you're so damn clingy!"

Selim pouted and crossed his arms again.

"And that's another thing, he is quite clingy," said Bradley, and the other Homunculi agreed.

"He begs me to take him to the playground every week," said The Situation.

"Yeah, and I still check his closet for monsters," said STD. " I mean, why is _he_ afraid of monsters?"

"He cries on my belly when the other kids at school are mean to him," said Fat-Ass.

"And if he doesn't get story time, he throws a fit," added Bradley. "And don't even get me started on his obsession with macaroni art."

Selim's shadows suddenly morphed and twisted, his voice turning demonic as he screamed "I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU ALL-"

"Everyone, please," said Tucker, "we are not here to put Selim on the spot like this. Let's all have a little more respect for your older brother."

Selim stuck out his tongue at everyone and sank deeper into his seat, the shadows receding.

"We'll get back to Selim and Bradley later, I want to get to everyone today." Tucker now directed his focus on The Situation. "Now, erm, Mr. Situation-"

"The Situation," said The Situation.

"The Situation, your father tells me you're a run-away. Why do you feel the need to run away from home?"

"He is way too protective," explained The Situation. "He wouldn't even let me do finger-painting without forcing me to wear a helmet and safety goggles, for cryin' out loud."

"When you have kids one day, you'll understand!" cried Father. "I only do things like that because I care!"

"You see, The Situation? Your Father only does these things out of love for you. How does that make you feel?"

"I'm pretty much immortal, so it makes me feel like it's pointless."

"But son, you are not truly immortal! I can only replicate you so many times after you lose your hundred or so lives! Please be considerate."

"Oh yeah?" The Situation took out his trusty pocket knife and, giving his father a vindictive look, began stabbing himself repeatedly in the stomach.

"Stop that, son!"

"Make me."

"Please, that can't be good for your digestion system-"

"Oh, it definitely isn't."

"I beg you, stop-"

"Ooh I feel all the nutrients leaving me."

"No!"

"Stabbity stab-stab!"

It went on like this for a few more seconds, the sickening squishing sounds filling the room as blood pooled around the bottom of The Situation's chair.

Father was reduced to tears. "You're tearing me apart with every stabbing motion!"

"That's what she said."

"Please, enough." Tucker was at a loss; he didn't know who to stop first, the crying one or the stabby one. The Situation went "Pfffft" and put the knife away. "Father, I understand this might be hard to acknowledge, but smothering him so much might be making him more rebellious."

Father sniffled. "But he's only two hundred and four!"

"Oh my, two hundred and…"

"And that's another thing," continued The Situation, "he never celebrates our birthdays anymore!"

"I got overwhelmed," sobbed Father. "So many birthdays over so many years… you can only hire from the same clown company for so long before they start getting suspicious over their missing clowns."

"Well if Selim didn't keep eating them, we wouldn't have that problem!" interrupted STD.

"Maybe I keep eating things because I'm insecure over how young I look after four hundred years!" and he burst into tears too.

"How could you keep eating and stay so tiny?" Fat-Ass began sobbing hysterically again.

"Damn this effed up family!" shouted Spam.

"DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR SIBLINGS THAT WAY-!"

"I didn't even want to be here, I was supposed to be at Snooki's Bat Mitzvah-!"

"MY BOOBS ARE TOO BIG FOR THIS OUTFIT!"

"Please, everyone, let's not raise our voices-"

"You're gonna die, Tucker."

"No death threats, please-"

"It wasn't a threat, I see it coming."

Now almost everyone in the room was crying.

"YOU MADE US LIVE UNDERGROUND OUR WHOLE LIVES!" wept The Situation. "You know how hard it is to keep a tan under such conditions?"

"I did it to protect you from UV rays and kidnappers!"

"GO KIDNAP YOUR FACE!"

"I HATE THIS FAMILY!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I CAUGHT SPAM DOING?" shouted Selim, "I CAUGHT HIM STUFFING HIS TUBE TOP WITH MY PLUSH DOLLS! AND THEN HE HAD THE NERVE TO PUT THEM BACK ON MY BED!"

"YOU SAID THAT IF I TURNED INTO BARNEY YOU'D KEEP THAT BETWEEN US!"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Spam picked up the snack table this time, throwing it at The Situation. When it smashed against his Ultimate Tan, it splintered into large, sharp pieces which the others picked up and aimed at each other.

"Everyone, please," pleaded Tucker, "this is going too far-"

What followed was a chaotic, ferocious fight amongst the Homunculi, the likes of which would not be seen again until 2012, when the world ran out of spare Monopoly pieces and all hell broke loose.

* * *

**OMAKE EPILOGUE**

Upon seeing the blood-soaked room with all the destroyed furniture, scattered snacks, and splattered coffee, the janitor had a small episode and sued the community center. It lost tens of dollars.

* * *

**OMAKE EPILOGUE PART TWO**

"Well I hope you're all happy!" sobbed a blood-soaked Father some time later as he and his children walked home. Although they were healed of their injuries, they walked with tattered and bloody clothes, slouched and miserable. "That was my last effort! We'll always be a dysfunctional mess!" He wiped his tears. "Not to mention I used my rainy day funds on that room deposit. So much for new kitchen cabinets."

"You know what we need?" said The Situation. "A vacation."

"Yeah, let's all go to Disney!" shouted Selim.

"DISNEY!"

* * *

**OMAKE EPILOGUE PART THREE**

They were banned from Disney after The Situation reprogrammed the puppets on the "It's a Small World" ride to sing "Every Sperm is Sacred."

* * *

**Author's Note:**That whole "putting on makeup and then having make-believe conversations with men at fancy parties in front of the mirror" thing, I do that a lot.

This Omake was especially difficult to write, I hope all the jokes flowed well ^_^

Anyway…Whoever it was that gave this fic its own page on TVtropes, **YOU ARE THE MOST AWESOMEY AWESOME PERSON IN THE LAND OF AWESOMEDOM.**

xD! *eats Twinkies to celebrate*

Seriously guys, check it out, add to it, etc. I think I can die happy now.


	24. Stakeout

**Author's Note: **Has anyone heard about a new FMA Brotherhood movie being made? o3o

Apologies for temporary fic hiatus…This one was gonna be super long but, again, I bit off more than I could chew and had to break it down to fewer chapters ^_^'

* * *

**Chapter 19:** Stakeout

"I still can't believe Hughes is gone, Niisan," said Al, he and Ed walking sadly into the entrance hall of their inn.

"I know," said Ed. "Who's gonna teach me the alphabet now?"

"Mr. Elric, sir!" said the man at the desk as Ed and Al were about to climb the stairs. "I'm glad I caught you, there's a phone call for you."

Ed walked over and took the receiver. "Hello?"

"Edward? Is that you?"

"Mrs. Hughes?"

"Oh, thank goodness I've found you. Listen, your friend Winry's here."

"She is?"

"Yes. She thinks that the powdered sugar is my late husband's ashes and won't stop bathing in it and crying. Please come and take her home."

"Now?"

"Yes, now."

* * *

"Winry, we're here to pick you up."

"But I don't wanna *hic* go to the vet!" Winry whined to him from the floor.

"…Right." Ed turned to Gracia Hughes. "Mrs. Hughes, we need to tell you something."

"Oh please, sit down." They all sat down in the living room, leaving Winry to loll in the hallway.

"Listen, a while back, Hughes visited me in the hospital and helped us research something using resources from the military department. It was all to get our bodies back, but it seems it was connected to something dark…something normal people shouldn't know. Even the Fuhrer said it was too dangerous."

"…So what you're saying is, it's your fault my husband was killed."

"What? Oh no, no. I'm saying he should've known better than to listen to the two of us about anything. I mean, look at us!" Ed indicated himself and Al. "Talk about Negative One and a Half Men! Am I right?"

"Get out."

* * *

"I don't see why she had to kick us out," said Ed, walking down the street with Al and Winry, with Winry having to beat away the street cats trying to lick the powdered sugar off her.

"I don't think you think before speaking, Niisan."

"I _always_ think before steeping, Al."

"Anyway, Niisan, I was thinking…I'd rather not get my body back if people have to sacrifice themselves for me."

"Pfffft fine. More for me."

"Niisan, that doesn't make any sense."

"Sense is a lot like having an infected tonsil."

"You…have it surgically removed?"

"By Paninya, yeah."

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" The cats were proving too much for Winry; she grabbed Al's loincloth and waved it at them. Al immediately wondered if he was switched at birth with Winry, as she and Niisan seemed more closely related than _him_ and Niisan.

* * *

"…And so Roy Mustang avenged his best friend, and all was well in the Land of Amestris!" chanted Spam. He, STD, and Fat-Ass were once again to be seen in their eerie, underground lair, the one that needed no decoration come Halloween.

"And Maria Ross was killed, as an added bonus," said STD. "I am once again the fairest in all the land."

Spam held back a snort. "Anyway…look who it was that attacked the prison."

STD took the sketch. "Is that Barry?"

"Yep. Apparently, he's working for the bad guys now."

"Aren't we the bad guys?"

Spam blinked. "Don't be ridiculous, sis. We're just misunderstood."

"Then what does that make the other guys?"

"It makes them understood."

"Ah. That explains that."

"So what are we gonna do about Barry?"

"I think I have an idea." STD walked to another room, opening a heavy metal door. "We'll need some extra help." She walked up to a large cage against the far wall. "Hey…isn't this where Father kept the Chupacabra?"

* * *

"Winry!" Ed was knocking on Winry's door some time later, making sure she was in her room and not at the graveyard trying to exhume Hughes's body. "Winry! You in there?"

"Yeah yeah, come in." Ed opened the door to see her sobbing on the bed.

"Winry, what's-"

"I WANTED HIM TO EAT MY PIE!"

"What?"

It was a second before he saw the apple pie she had made on the table.

"Oh, you meant your apple pie."

"My whatnow?"

"Your- oh, never mind."

* * *

Ling and Lan Fan were at the warehouse with Barry, Ling having eaten all of Falman's chess pieces.

"You must let me fix those teeth," said Barry yearningly. "They must be a wreck from your strange eating habits."

"Oh they'll be fine, they're made of porcelain."

"…Okay."

"Anyway, what was it you were saying about the Internet?"

"All I know is, the Internet is apparently made of people."

"Excellent! My servants and I can sense people's energy, so finding Internet should be easy."

"So it doesn't bother you at all?"

"Of course not! I can be friends with all those people!"

"Right."

"Why are you and the Xingese people still here?" Falman walked in, holding a fat, brown cat.

"That thing is still here?" said Barry irritably. "It keeps trying to trip me."

"This is Mittens's home too!" said Falman. "Besides, she needs someone to administer her ear medicine while my mom is in Majorca."

"That ear medicine should make it nice and flavorful," said Ling.

"I already told you. I don't know who you are or why you're here, and you're not eating Mittens."

"I don't want to eat mittens. I want to eat that cat."

"Really, author? Really?"

"Hold that cat still, now. I've prepared a marinade for it out of fresh lemons and Elmer's glue-"

"Enough. Please leave."

"All right, all right, I meant to go visit the Elrics anyway." Ling turned to Lan Fan. "Lan Fan, stay here for no particular reason. Send a signal if anything happens!"

"Yes, Young Master!" He left.

* * *

"Hello, Elizabeth~! How are you?"

"Why, Mr. Mustang, thank you for always calling me. Are you calling from the office again?"

Roy sat in his usual comfortable position; leaned back with his feet on his desk, phone in one hand, pen in the other. "Yes. I just had to hear your voice."

"Oh, aren't you smooth? But wouldn't your scaaaary Lieutenant be mad at you for shirking work?"

"Don't worry about her. I fired her along with the rest of my officers from Eastern City, they pissed me off. But enough about them, Elizabeth, I do enjoy hearing all about you."

Meanwhile, Roy's new Central subordinates cringed at having to listen to all this.

"How nice, Mr. Mustang…work has been getting so wearisome. I've been dying to take a vacation."

"Tell me about it. I've been working nonstop since I got to Central! I am planning on going fishing soon, though."

"That sounds like a great plan, Mr. Mustang...however, I do have to go now, the store is getting so busy!"

"Oh, um, you do?"

"Yes, but please, do call again. Bye-bye now."

"Bye." He hung up the receiver and looked down at his black book of phone numbers under the letter "E". He probably should have made sure of the Lieutenant's phone number before initializing the surveillance stakeout. "It has to be one of these Elizabeths."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the inn, Winry was buffering all the cat scratches off of Al's armor.

"Damn *hic* cats," she said. "At least it wasn't bees this time."

"Heheh yeah," said Ed from the sofa. "That was a great haul, though. We had honey for weeks."

Suddenly, a signature hole was blasted through the wall near the door.

"EDWARD ELRIC."

"Dammit, Major, you know how many times we've had to pay for those walls?" exclaimed Ed.

"COME, EDWARD. WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY."

Ed shot off the sofa. "WE ARE?"

"YES. COME AT ONCE, WE ARE LEAVING IMMEDIATELY."

"YAY!"

"Wait," said Al. "Can I come too?"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT. YOUR FACE WOULD FRIGHTEN THE YOUNG CHILDREN, AND YOU WILL NOT FIT ANY OF THE SEATS."

"What about me?" asked Winry.

"Sure, Winry you can- hey what's that?" Ed pointed behind her, and she looked.

"I don't see anything." She looked back and he was still standing there next to Armstrong.

Ed scratched his head. "I think I did something wrong."

"LET US JUST GO."

"Yeah, let's." He and the Major left.

"I can't believe they're *hic* going to Disney without us," said Winry.

"I know."

Out of the blue, they heard a voice behind them that made them jump.

"What's Disney? Is it a type of food?"

"AHHHHH!"

They turned around to see Ling at the window.

"Does nobody understand the function of a door?" exclaimed Al.

"In my country, we use chutes and ladders to travel in between rooms. It's fun."

"Wait- aren't you *hic* supposed to be in jail?" asked Winry.

"Barry the Dentist let me out."

"Oh yeah! We saw you two in the alleyway!" said Al.

"Yes, we had broken that lady out of jail. She's dead now though."

"I know. Anyway, I'm so sorry Niisan had you arrested for being an illegal alien."

"Oh, _that's_ why I was arrested?"

"Yeah….why?"

"Phew! I thought they'd found my opium."

"…"

"You want some?"

* * *

"Let's see," said Mustang, twirling his pen in his hand, as was his habit when speaking on the phone. "I can drop by the store tomorrow. What shall I bring you?"

"Oh my, thank you. Could I ask something for Kate as well?"

"Sure."

His subordinates watched as he laughed and flirted on the phone. If only the Colonel hadn't discovered Pepto-Bismol and rendered their one advantage over him useless.

"It's so very kind of you to think of me, Mr. Mustang. Anyway I must be going now, but it was fun chatting with you."

"All right then, I'll talk to you later." He hung up and crossed off another "Elizabeth" in his black book. Surely he was close to the one he needed.

* * *

"Havoc," said First Lieutenant Elizabeth Hawkeye as she looked through the telescope in her sniper rifle. "It seems we have a guest."

"Roger that." Havoc readied his gun and got up from where he sat at his hiding place. "Hey, weren't you supposed to be on the phone with the Colonel, speaking in code or something?"

"I can't reach him. The line is busy."

* * *

At the warehouse, Lan Fan suddenly stood up.

"What is it?" asked Falman.

Just then, something burst through the window, growling madly.

"OH GOD IT'S THE CLOWN FROM MY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY PARTY!" And Falman ran out, screaming and wetting himself.

"GRRRRR." The thing jumped inside as Havoc came in through the door Falman ran out of.

"Don't kill him!" yelled Barry, nearly knocking the gun out of Havoc's hand.

"What's going on?" shouted Havoc. "Who is that?"

"I can feel more enemies outside!" said Lan Fan, her Asian senses aflare.

The growling creature ran outside; Havoc chased it out as he shouted to Lan Fan, "How many more are there?"

"Twenty…no, thirty…more!"

"I don't have enough bullets for all of them!"

"I'll go fight them!" She left.

Havoc approached the creature, which was backed up against the wall and snarling.

It jumped at him; Hawkeye quickly shot its hand from the watchtower she was hiding at and it fell, writhing.

"Is everything okay?" Falman peaked out from his hiding place behind the fire hydrant.

"It's fine, the Lieutenant's watching us," said Havoc, secretly cursing Falman's cowardice. He turned to the thing and pointed his gun at its drooling face.

"All right! Don't do any funny stuff and…can he even understand our language?"

Barry looked at him. "Don't shoot it! That's a Chupacabra!"

"A what?"

"It is only the one creature in the world with worst teeth ever! Let me fix them!"

"You can't be serious."

Barry brandished his wireless drill excitedly. "Let me fix its teeth, then you can kill it."

"No, it doesn't work like that!"

"Think of it!" continued Barry. "I could treat the Chupacabra's overbite and crooked teeth with my very own hands! In all the wide world could there be another man who can do this? HAHAHAHA!"

Havoc and Falman stared as he giggled to himself.

* * *

"So what's with the Colonel?" asked Fuery over the radio transmitter, fiddling with knobs as he did so. "Didn't he want to oversee all this?"

"I called the military line and asked to speak to him. The Central subordinates say he's on the phone with some woman named 'Elizabeth'."

"Huh. Do you think he meant it when he said we were fired?"

"He probably did, but he won't last three hours without us doing his work, so I'm positive he'll rehire us."

"That's good."

"Anyway, I think I'll hang up now. I'm about to get killed by a fat bald man."

"_What?_"

"Tell the Colonel not to touch my stuff."

"Okay?"

* * *

Sensing all the people inside him, Lan Fan spotted Spam on the ledge of a building and immediately jumped to where he was.

"Master commands that you reveal your secrets of the Internet!" she barked. "I can sense all the ki inside you!"

Spam got up. "Who the hell are you?"

Lan Fan responded by throwing an explosive at him.

* * *

Roy hung up and crossed the seventeenth "Elizabeth" off his list, starting to worry. "Maybe I should organize women's names by their last names," he muttered to himself. "I hope the Lieutenant calls soon."

As if the universe were answering him, the phone rang.

"Hello? What? Yeah, I'm pretty satisfied with my phone service. No no, go ahead, I have time."

* * *

"Oh my gosh…so that's why the Major took Niisan!" said Al after Ling explained himself.

"Yeah…that and he really wanted company to Disney World."

Suddenly, there was a loud bang from outside the window.

"What was that? A firework?" asked Al.

"No, it's a counter-attack signal from Lan Fan." Ling readied himself on the window sill and frowned. "That or she mixed up the firecrackers and the scented candles again. It's a miracle she can still grow eyebrows."

Al scratched the back of his head. "Um…yeah. Could I come too? In case we find out more about Hughes's death and the Internet?"

"Sure!"

"What about *hic* me?" Winry stepped out of the bathroom, having finally washed all the powdered sugar off.

"Hey what's that?" asked Al.

"Oh like I'm dumb enough to even think- AHHHH!"

Winry was attacked by a cat from behind; she had left a spot of sugar on her hair.

Al and Ling just shrugged and left.

* * *

Underground, Father was looking in a hand-held mirror while talking to STD.

"Do you think it's not too late for me to be on the dating scene?"

STD crossed her arms. "Do you really need to ask_ me_? Don't you have any friends or something?"

"How was your attempt at a ladies night out with your friends from the salon? The ones whom you scared with your Wolverine fingernails?"

"Point taken."

"At any rate, I wonder how your siblings are doing."

"I'm sure they're fine."

"I don't want to see any failures on this mission."

"They'll find Chuppie, don't worry."

* * *

Meanwhile, Spam was finding out new and amazing things about his body.

Mostly that it hurt getting stabbed and blown up so much.

"YOU BASTARD!" he yelled at Lan Fan as he pulled a kunai out of his forehead. "That's like the eighth time I died!"

"If I capture you, Young Master will reward me with marinated cat!"

Spam began running away. "Why do I attract all the weird people?"

* * *

No matter how many bullets Liza Hawkeye put in Fat-Ass's face, he would not let go.

"So… hungry …" he said, strangling her. "Can't handle... diet... anymore... " Her gun ran out of bullets, and it fell from her hand as she felt her life slipping away. The only thing she could comprehend at that moment was the Ouroboros tattoo on his tongue.

Fat-Ass held her up higher and stepped back a bit. But as he did so, he accidentally stepped on her Robo-puppy.

"OWOWOWOW PLASTIC TOY!" He dropped her and began hopping on one foot, holding his hurting one.

"First Lieutenant!" Fuery ran in and threw a pistol at her.

She caught it and they began shooting at Fat-Ass together. He put his throbbing foot down and began advancing toward them, not flinching even once.

"What do we do? We'll run out of bullets!"

"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard."

A snap was heard and a second later, Fat-Ass was blasted out the window.

"Cabbage Patch dolls always creeped me out," said Roy, who was standing at the doorway, breathing a sigh of relief.

Fuery walked up to the window and wiped is sweaty brow as he peered out of it. "What _was_ that thing? First Lieutenant, are you hur-"

He turned to see Hawkeye slapping the Colonel.

"Who the HELL is _Elizabeth_?"

Fuery decided to stay out of this one.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Some things I'd like to share about this chapter:

I have been DYING to throw a Ling- related opium joke in this fic somewhere. DYING. So happy I finally did it.

Also, I am running out of dentistry and feng shui- related jokes for Barry and Roy.

Furthermore, it seems I have violated my strict "no fluff" rule. I **could not resist** a touch of Royai there with that "Who the HELL is _Elizabeth_?" line. It wasn't something I planned on, but I have a feeling it's not the last time I'll do it…

:D

On an interesting but **totally unrelated** note:

Something strange (in a good way) happened to me a few of weeks ago.

It all started with my car needing a new part. Not knowing any better, and desperate for the car to work again, I ended up overpaying a shady mechanic to fix it. Afterwards, I looked at my pathetic balance at my bank account and shed a small tear (not unlike Falman whenever Breda eats his food).

It was then that I decided to quit my job. I won't mention the company I had worked for, but of all the various places I've worked at all my life, this one, and I use curse words sparingly, was the shittiest.

I won't go into details, but it was one of those evil corporate companies that a) hires as few people as possible, b) delegates as many tasks to them as possible, and c) pays them as little as possible. I hated getting up in the morning to go there, I hated being there, and I hated seeing how small my paycheck was each week. I endured this for five months, out of fear of not finding anything else.

So now I was jobless, with about $17 in my wallet, but with a working car. I decided to go to some other part of town for a fresh start. The first thing I saw was an art gallery, so I walked straight in and asked for a job. It wasn't hiring, and even if it were, I didn't have the required art degree anyway.

After a week of repeatedly visiting the gallery and talking to the director and the owner, I managed to get a job there. It is not only in a practically stress-free environment, but it pays more than what I had wanted.

My point is, I am in my happy place now. Because of my silly car.


	25. To cure an STD

**Author's Note:** THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH BOOB JOKES IN THIS FIC.

* * *

**Chapter 20:** To cure an STD

Spam was feeling slightly better when Fat-Ass landed on him from a nine-story fall.

"AHHHHH! Get off me! We need to retreat and reorganize ourselves!"

As he pulled himself out from under his portly brother, he looked up to see Al, Ling, and Lan Fan hovering over him.

"That is him, Master!" said Lan Fan. "The guy I'm attacking!"

Fat-Ass got up as well, still woozy from the Colonel's fire attack.

"Very good, Lan Fan!" Ling patted her head and gave her a treat, which she munched on happily.

He then turned to the two battered Homunculi. "Interesting bodies you have there…How many people do you have inside you?"

Fat-Ass burst into tears. "STOP CALLING ME FAT!"

"Huh?"

"Hey!" said Al. "They have Ouroboros tattoos!"

"Oh, they do!" said Ling.

"Shit!" Spam turned to Fat-Ass and pointed at Ling and company. "Eat them!"

"Ohhh but Xingese food gives me the runs, Spam!" Somewhere, the author's friends of Asian descent had strange urges to kick her mercilessly.

"Tell me your Internet secrets!" hollered Ling, unsheathing his sword and attacking.

* * *

Several minutes later, in the passenger side of Roy's car, Liza held the shattered remains of her Robo-puppy and held back a few tears. It hadn't provided the story with as many jokes the author had hoped it would, but it did save Liza's life.

"So which Elizabeth was the one who upset you, Lieutenant?"

Liza was just about to slap him again when they saw Al running towards the car.

"Colonel!" he said. "This whole thing is all related to Mr. Hughes's case, isn't it?"

"Not really…we're just gonna chase that Chupacabra thing before Barry traumatizes it. You wanna come with?"

Al thought of the alternative; staying at the inn with Winry, who by now probably found Ling's opium. "Sure," he said, and he squeezed in next to Havoc in the back.

"You coming too, Falman?" Roy asked Falman, who was standing outside Roy's window.

"No, sir. My stomach is sensitive to motion sickness, sir."

Roy resisted rolling his eyes. "Tell me, Falman, why are you in the military?"

"Well sir, every time I try to quit the military, my mom takes my Internet privileges away."

"Right. Have fun playing Neopets."

"I will, sir."

Roy slammed the gas and chased after Barry and the Chupacabra.

* * *

"Don't lose sight of him!" bellowed Roy out the window.

"Don't run me over!" shouted Barry back.

"No promises!"

"Colonel," said Al, "I just saw a skinny person with long black hair and an Ouroboros tattoo."

"That sounds a lot like that Central City bus station streaker," Roy thought aloud.

"I've run into him once at Laboratory 5," continued Al. "I believe his name is Spam. And I also met someone named The Situation, Spam's comrade I think, in the south. They were Homunculi."

Roy shook his head disbelievingly. "I'm having a hard time taking that in."

"'That's what she said.' Those are The Situation's words. He an the other Homunculi showed incredible powers and regenerative abilities, though I'm not sure if you'll believe me."

"You're telling me that mutant Cabbage Patch doll thing is still alive?"

"It's true," interjected Liza. "None of my bullets affected him."

"I let Ling and his servant fight them," said Al. "I didn't feel like doing it."

"This really is turning into a freak show," said Roy.

"Hey just because I have little wedding ceremonies for my kitchen appliances, doesn't mean I'm a freak," said Havoc.

"…" said everyone.

* * *

It was almost nightfall by the time the Chupacabra reached its target. Roy, Al, Liza, Havoc, and Barry all sneaked around the outside of Laboratory 3.

"Are you sure it went in there?" Roy asked Barry.

"Positive."

Roy smirked. "This proves it!"

"Proves what?"

"Chupacabras are a government conspiracy. If that thing went in there, then that means Hughes was right about there being something bad about the military."

"What are we gonna do now?"

"Hm, we need an excuse to get everyone out of that building."

* * *

"All staffs evacuate immediately!" shouted Roy authoritatively, pulling out his handgun. "We're fumigating the place for termites!"

"Ew, termites!" The military scientists ran out in hordes. Within seconds, Al, Liza, Roy, Havoc, and Barry had the place to themselves.

"I'll run ahead to the Chupacabra!" said Barry.

"Barry, wait-" Barry ran ahead of them before Roy could stop him. "Come on, let's follow him."

* * *

They went down the lobby and down some stairs, leading them to a dark, underground hallway.

"Shall we split up in pairs?" asked Liza.

"Oh, no no no," said Havoc anxiously. "I've seen this in too many horror movies. We're in the dark basement of a lab, chasing a monster. If we split up in pairs, someone's going to die."

"It's okay, Jean, we're blond," said Liza.

"All right, since we only have two blond people, I say each of the non-blonds takes one," said Roy. "That should increase the likelihood of all of us surviving. Lieutenant Ostrichbelly, go with Al. I'll take Havoc. Don't pursue too far, and retreat once you've gathered a reasonable amount of information about this place."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Havoc and Roy walked along the dark hallway, unable to resist slowing down to look at their surroundings.

"Jeez, the atmosphere here is brutal," said Havoc.

"Yeah."

"I mean, the grey lighting, the windowless walls, the peeling paint…it's like high school all over again."

"Urgh, don't remind me."

"Oh look, doesn't that look a lot like the door to the detention room?"

"Oh hey, it does."

They opened the door to reveal the creepiest room they had ever seen; the floor was strewn with cracked lab beakers, warped medical instruments, and broken metal furniture; the walls had eerily splattered stains on them; and near the back there was a gurney with straps and bloody sheets.

It was a good thing Roy had taken Pepto-Bismol earlier.

"I wonder what this room was used for," said Havoc.

"Judging by the looks of it, it can't have been anything pleasant."

"It seems you two are smarter than you look."

Roy and Havoc jumped at the sound of her voice, but quickly recovered and aimed their guns at STD.

"Jean, I missed you."

"Solaris…why are you here…?"

Roy looked at Havoc. "You know her?"

"I'm dating her."

"How did you even meet her?"

"At one of those 'Five Minute Speed Dating' places. I chose her over some woman wearing a meat dress."

Roy took another look at her. "Hey, that's an Ouroboros tattoo on her chest."

"I just learned about it too," confessed Havoc.

"…So you never saw her naked?"

"Nope."

"I see. Have you told her anything?"

"…I may have told her about our super special secret hand-shake."

"You _what_? How could you?"

"I'm so sorry, Colonel!"

"_Ahem_." STD flung her hair aside. "Shouldn't you be more worried about_ me_?"

"Solaris, was it?" asked Roy.

"It's an alias."

"Did you know Maes Hughes?"

"Unfortunately, yes. He threw a book at my face and my nose has been off-center ever since."

Havoc and Roy laughed.

"I'm going to kill you two, you know."

"Oh yeah? I don't think so!" Roy shot her knee. "Confess everything you know!"

But the wound healed instantly, and their eyes widened in shock.

"Ho…Homunculus?"

"My, you really did your homework, Jean." She flexed her fingers. "I'll show you something as a reward for your hard work."

"Your boobs?" replied both men.

"No." She extended her claws and cut open her own chest, pulling the flesh apart so they could see her Internet. "Can you see it? It's called a Blackberry. It carries within it the Internet, the legendary amplifier of alchemic power." She let go and the wound healed. "We Homunculi are humans that are created with it as our nucle- I'm talking to you, my eyes are up here."

"Oh, sorry."

"Anyway, our appearance is no different from yours, and we also have fives senses, and affection for our Fath- I'm seriously getting annoyed now, _my eyes are up here_."

"Sorry," they said again. They looked at each other, then back at her.

"Look," said Roy. "We didn't come here to listen to a woman ramble on about stuff. Either show us your boobs our allow us to leave."

"I'm not letting you leave after I flagrantly revealed my family's secret!"

"In all honesty, we weren't even listening."

STD slashed Roy's gun to pieces, grazing his cheek in the process.

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to hurt us." He touched his cheek where she had cut him. "Is it me, or is this cut burning?"

"That's the power of Chlamydia, Colonel."

"Darn! I should have used more protection!"

"Sir, use your ignition-cloth glove!"

"Right! Cover me!"

"Roger that!"

"I don't think so." She sliced a large pipe in the ceiling above them; liquid poured down on them both. "Too bad, your favorite fire trick is no good now that your igniter is wet."

"_Ewwww_," said Roy. "That was a sewage line!" He shook his sleeves, positively sopping in it.

STD ran toward them, slicing everything in her path.

Havoc and Roy ran for it, shouting "Not the face not the face not the face-!"

They threw themselves out the room and against the wall near the doorframe.

"What do we do now?" said Havoc. "She'll kill us!"

"Don't worry. If anything, this is an advantageous situation for us. Give me your lighter."

"Okay. What are you gonna do with it?"

"You ever set a bag of cow dung on fire?" Roy tossed the lighter into the sewage-filled room.

The two of them held their ears and braced themselves for the explosion, but nothing happened.

"Um…Boss? Did you light the lighter?"

"Oh…er, no. No I did not."

Havoc rolled his eyes and tossed another lighter into the methane-loaded room, lit this time.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ling grew exasperated from all the fighting. "Hey, wont you please surrender already? We probably wont hurt you."

"F**k off!" Spam aimed another kick at Ling, which he dodged. The crowd around them started to gather, many people thinking it was some sort of street show.

"Young Master? What should we do?"

"Keep at it! We're wearing them down!"

"Don't underestimate us!" shouted Spam as another kunai barely grazed him. He grabbed at Lan Fan's scarf, but Ling threw his sword and it pierced Spam. She grabbed the hilt and stabbed his heart, costing him another life.

"Lan Fan! My sword!" Fat-Ass, deciding that his weight was also a power, sat on top of Ling to stop him getting away. Lan Fan tossed the sword at Ling, who reached out a hand to grab it.

She had thrown it blade first.

"OW! Lan Fan!"

"I'm so sorry, Young Master! Is your hand bleeding?"

"Yes! A lot!"

"Forgive me!"

He stabbed Fat-Ass and got out from under him.

"That is _it_!" Spam's expression turned insane. "You'll be sorry you ever screwed with us! Just wait til you see my _true_ form! BAHAHAHA!"

"_What do you think you are doing?_" The demonic voice made Fat-Ass and Spam jump.

"Ah crap, it's him," said Spam, rolling his eyes.

"It's older brother?" asked Fat-Ass.

The shadows around them both seemed to dance and twitch.

"_You two have been careless. You are making displays out of your disgraceful selves and attracting too much attention. Return to the lair immediately._"

"Or what?" jeered Spam.

"_Or I'm telling!_"

"Okay okay, we're leaving. Come on, Fat-Ass."

"Wait, we're not done with you two!" But the two Homunculi escaped to the rooftops and out of sight before Ling could catch them.

He and Lan Fan looked at each other.

"Young Master, I am very sorry…I failed to obtain the clues to the Internet."

"Ah, don't worry about it. We'll get them next time."

"What shall we do now?"

Ling thought for a moment. "I'm feeling kind of hungry, Lan Fan. Why don't we go back and see if that cat is unguarded now?"

"Young Master, the Emperor has instructed me to make sure you eat healthy while you are away from home…"

"Fine, I'll throw in a piece of broccoli or something."

* * *

"Ew, now it's covered in toilet juice." Havoc picked up his sad lighter. The room was now charred and smoky; they both squinted their eyes as the air cleared.

"Smoking is bad for you, anyway. Maybe you should use this chance to quit."

"And maybe you should organize women by their last names. And match their names to their faces."

"Details, details."

"You think Solaris is dead?"

"She was either blown to bits or burnt…no, definitely burnt."

"How can you tell?"

"I smell burning silicone. At any rate, that regenerative power can't be taken lightly, so stay on your guard."

"Yes, sir!"

Havoc got stabbed.

"What did I _just _say?" said Roy exasperatedly. "Is it bad?"

There was blood pooling around Havoc's unmoving body.

"Oh shit it is bad."

STD burst out of the rubbish pile she was hiding in, rapidly regenerating.

Roy ran to check Havoc's pulse. "You'd better not die on me, Havoc!"

"It's no use!" cackled STD. "He won't survive with that wound!"

"You're wrong!" He grabbed Havoc's rifle and shot STD in the chest.

"You're wasting your time! There's still a long way before I die!"

"There's a way to save him right here!"

He lunged himself at her, pinning her shoulder down with his foot as he plunged his hand into her chest. "I'll use the power of the Internet to heal him!" He dug deep, gritting his teeth and frantically searching. "Your powers showed me that it can amplify healing alchemy!" Then he dug deeper. Then deeper. And deeper.

Still he could not find the Blackberry.

The atmosphere was quickly turning from intensely adrenaline-fueled to just plain awkward. STD looked up at him and sighed, tapping her fingertips on the stone floor impatiently.

"Boy, there's a lot to delve through, heh."

"Oh for crap's sake- here." She slapped his hand away and yanked the Blackberry out herself. Then with a final "AAARRRGGGHHHH," she disintegrated.

Roy rushed to Havoc's side. "Hang in there, Havoc! Stay with me!...Oh how the hell do I use this thing? There are so many buttons!"

Suddenly, something about the Blackberry felt strange. Roy looked at the hand holding it and, to his horror, saw a not-fully-formed new STD growing around it.

"Isn't it rude to stick your hand in a lady's breasts, Colonel Mustang?" she cooed, her voice sickeningly raspy from not-fully-formed vocal cords.

"I don't know, is it?"

She responded by stabbing him.

* * *

The soldiers waiting outside Laboratory 3 were getting nervous. "Did you guys hear that explosion earlier?"

"Yeah, I wonder what could have caused it."

"I'm telling you guys, it was global warming!"

"Tom, you're too stupid to be in the military."

An official-looking black car drove up to them, and out stepped none other than Fuhrer King Bradley.

"Y-Your Excellency!" squealed Tom. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, visiting the old birth place."

"What?"

"Never mind. Is Colonel Mustang in there?"

"Yes, he's chasing the termites out."

"Right. I'll go help him out then."

"No, sir! It's too dangerous! Global warming is in there!"

"Tom, I am this close to discharging you."

* * *

Roy's blood dripped on the floor as STD's nails dug deep into his abdomen.

"Didn't I tell you?" she whispered seductively in his ear. "The Internet is my nucleus. Our existence is closer to truth and more evolved than you humans are." She pulled her hand out and he collapsed. "Please understand," she took off his ignition-cloth glove and tore it, "I didn't want to kill a precious candidate for human sacrifice like you. But I just cant let you go now that you've gotten yourself involved too deeply."

"Why you-" he struggled to get up, but could not.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go take care of the other intruders. Stay here and watch your subordinate gradually turn cold before your eyes, and die along with him" She walked out of the room, smiling sadistically.

"Dammit!" sputtered Roy, feeling the blood spread through his jacket. He crawled his way to Havoc. "Havoc…don't you…die on me…Too much …paperwork…for the Lieutenant…she'd kill me…"

"Colonel…" groaned Havoc. "I… have a confession… to make…"

"Don't… waste your… energy…"

"In high school I saw…Hawkeye putting laxatives…in your food and I…didn't say anything…"

"Why you… I missed prom night…"

"It was… hilarious…Falman came… with his mom…"

"That… sounds… hilarious… but Havoc… I have a confession…too…"

"What… is it …?"

"In middle school… I took … _your _mom …to prom …"

"You… bastard …"

* * *

"What do you think that loud noise was, Lieutenant?" asked Al nervously.

"I don't know. I hope the others are okay."

The hallway ended, and Liza and Al found themselves in a mysterious, large white room with an alchemic circle on the gigantic doors opposite. Barry was in front of the doors, looking at them.

"What took you so long, Missy?"

"What are you doing here? Where's the Chupacabra?"

Barry shrugged. "I guess it escaped."

"Well that was a waste."

"I think I hear someone coming," said Al.

They all looked on as STD sauntered into the white room, her heels making _click clack_ noises that echoed off the walls.

"Heh…there you are, STD Missy."

"If it isn't Number 66…" her face scrunched in disgust. "Why did you betray us and cooperate with the Colonel?"

"I got to stay with Falman. He's the only one who makes me feel okay for being an empty suit of armor who attempted suicide via bad TV. He taught me that there are more pathetic lives out there, you see."

"You are so impossible." She turned to face Al. "You too, Tin Man. Why'd you have to come here tonight? Having to kill two candidates for human sacrifice in a single night is just too much of a loss for us."

Al looked at her. "'Human sacrifice'… 'Two candidates'…?"

"That's right. You and the other one."

"Enough with the chit chat!" said Barry, growing bored. "Where did that Chupacabra go? I must drill its teeth or else my life has no meaning!"

Both STD and the author decided they were tired of Barry, and thus wanted to get rid of him quickly.

"Now that I have you back with us, Barry, why don't we watch 'Sex and the City' like we used to?" asked STD. "Maybe Carrie will finally find a sophisticated New York man who will give her that meaningful relationship she had always searched for."

Barry mentally sighed. He took off his helmet and drilled into his own blood seal, killing himself.

"Now where were we?" STD twirled a lock of black hair around her finger. "Ah yes, who wants to die next?" She surveyed them with the vague interest of one choosing table cloths. "Tin Man? Or perhaps it should be you, First Lieutenant? You look like a very loyal officer. I'll let you follow your boss in no time."

Liza's gun shook ever so slightly in her hand. "You said 'two human sacrifices in a single night,'" she said, barely audible. "It cant be…you didn't…"

STD's lips curved into a sadistic smile, clearly telling Hawkeye that Roy was no longer in the living realm.

Liza's eyes widened with horror as her heart seemed to sink to her feet, her breath leaving her... The Colonel…his smug face gone forever…This would surely mean the end of her military career.

She was going back to Starbucks.

"You bitch…" her face twisted in agony as she aimed her gun at STD, the tears gushing. "YOU BITCH!" She began firing at STD. "MY LIFE IS OVER!" Bullet after bullet pierced the Homunculus's skin, but still she would not fall. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Liza ran out of bullets and pulled out another handgun from her hilt to continue her rage.

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" That gun too, ran out, and so she pulled out a secret one she had hidden in her sock.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DIE!" Running out of bullets again, she pulled yet another gun out of her hair pin.

"AAAHHHHHHHH!" Next one came out of her bra.

"AAAHHHHHH!" The next two were hidden in her other sock and her inside jacket pocket, and the very last one was the one she kept taped to her left elbow.

"AHHHhhhh…." She finally ran out of bullets and guns altogether, and collapsed on the floor to sob amidst a rather large pile of emptied guns.

"Right…" STD flicked her hair elegantly as her wounds shrunk."Foolish and weak. Humans are sad creatures indeed." She extended her claws intending to kill Liza, but Al stepped in between them.

"First Lieutenant, get up and run."

"You want to be the first to die, boy?"

Al clapped his hands and pulled a spear from the ground.

"...I see, you opened the gate." STD slashed his spear. Al mentally gulped. "It's a shame, that I have to kill a confirmed human sacrifice."

"Hurry, Lieutenant! What are you doing?"

STD stabbed him, tearing off his lower jaw and right shoulder spikes.

"Stay out of this, kiddo. That woman doesn't want to keep on living!"

"I wont let you kill her!"

"Alphonse-kun, leave me and run for it."

"No!"

"Run! At least you should live!"

"NO! I won't let you die!" screamed Al. "You're the only voice of reason here besides me! You can't leave me behind! _You don't get to!_"

"Well said, Alphonse Elric."

As if on cue, Al created a barrier blocking him and Liza from STD.

A split second later, Al and Liza heard a loud splash. They peeked around the barrier to see STD soaked head to foot in water, with Roy at the doorway holding an empty bucket.

"SHE'S NOT A WITCH, YOU IDIOT!" screamed Liza.

"She's not?"

"NO! BURN HER!"

"Oh, right." He took out his trusty Sharpie and drew the alchemic fire seal on his hand. He then took out another of Havoc's lighters and, with an obligatory "Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard," he sent explosive flames her way.

"How are you doing this?" screamed STD. "You should be bleeding to death from that wound!"

"I put a band-aid on it," he said bracingly, clenching his teeth. "I almost passed out a few times, though."

Roy sent more explosions at her, the wind from the force whipping his unbuttoned jacket around his perfectly sculpted chest and abs. Many a fan girl drowned in her own drool upon seeing this, and so it would be his last shirtless scene in the series.

"You said this earlier; 'There is still a long way before I die.' In that case, I will continuously kill you until you die!" He paused. "Or at least until I get bored!"

Engulfed in flames, she twisted herself around and extended her claws, aiming at his face. As her fingertip elongated to a mere centimeter from his face, she reached her limit; her body could no longer heal itself.

Roy glared down at her as she began to crumble away, bit by bit.

"I can't believe I lost," she breathed, her tongue turning to ash, "to an idiot like you." Finally, all that was left of her was the Blackberry, but it too fell to the floor and disintegrated.

Satisfied, Roy collapsed.

* * *

King Bradley watched from the shadows as his sister burned to death.

"I told her those artificial breasts were flammable," he muttered to himself. "But noooo, she had to have them. She insisted that 'all female villains need to be vavoom.'"

"Your Excellency!" A lower officer came to him. "How is the situation?"

Bradley sighed. "It's been handled, but I need you to call an ambulance."

"There's no need for that, Your Excellency. I have some homeopathic medicines that'll not only heal him, but cleanse him of all the toxins that-"

"Tom, I have just about had it with you."

* * *

"Colonel!" Liza ran to Roy's side immediately.

"Lieutenant…" whispered Roy, his breathing becoming more and more labored as he struggled to stay alive.

"Don't speak," she said, cradling his head in her arms.

"Tell them…" he gasped, his voice barely audible, "I was the one…who penetrated her…" He passed out.

* * *

**IN LOVING MEMORY OF MITTENS**

**1899-1914 **

* * *

**Author's Note: **I think that the "Roy vs. Lust" scene has to be one of the "Top Ten Most Badass Anime Scenes of All Time" list.

Seriously, when I first read it, I fell off my computer chair because I was so focused on it…and subsequently almost drowned in all the drool made from seeing Roy shirtless.

And alas, no more STD! I'll miss her.

Subtle thanks to Kame-tan for the idea of using the "Chlamydia" and "protection" jokes xD

Anyway, I have a theory that Laboratory 3 is indeed Spoi- er, I mean Wrath's birthplace… I saw the scene in the manga for the first time since finishing the series (I tend to go over scenes again when writing Fullmetal Lol- I have no life like that), and that lab room which Roy and Havoc walk into looks an awful lot like that lab where young Bradley was first injected with the Philosopher's Stone.

If this theory is correct, that means Arakawa-san's attention to detail is…is just plain epic, as that is like 40 chapters before we see the flashback of that room, and it's never mentioned that it is THAT SAME ROOM.

I love this manga.


	26. Reunions

**Author's Note: **Yosh! This fic is just about a third through the story! :D

I have no real excuse for the late chapter…just laziness…

About this fic…**I ****NEED**** a decent source for reading online manga**. I was going over volume 10 of Fullmetal Alchemist on spectrum nexus and it became apparent that not only are the chapters out of order, but several of them were missing altogether. My notes turned into a mess- nay, a complete disaster- and then I actually ORDERED a copy of it so I could continue this -_-

So yeah, if you like reading this and wish to see it continued, find me a good online manga source! ^_^

* * *

**Chapter 21:** Reunions

It was past midnight. Al walked home in his wrecked, lopsided self, feeling proud of the bravery he had showed against STD and hoping Mustang and Havoc would be alright.

As the inn came into view, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Miss! Please put the nail gun down!"

"If one more damn *hic* cat tries to eat my face-!"

"If you just come with us to the police station, I'm sure we can sort it all out-"

"GIVE ME MORE OPIUM!"

"I should just not get involved and sneak away."

Al slowly turned on the spot when Winry shouted, "I see you there, Al! Armor can't sneak away, you know!"

Al groaned. "Put the nail gun down, Winry, you're gonna hurt yourself!"

"NEVER!"

"Come on! It's late, don't make a scene."

She suddenly stumbled down the steps to him and clutched his partially-shattered arm, sobbing.

"…" said Al.

"Al…"

"What is it, Winry?"

"Do you think…Do you think I'll ever find true love?"

Al thought for a moment. "I think that one day Niisan and I will stumble upon a bound, gagged man in your basement, and then leave him and go about our days like we never saw anything."

Winry looked up at him with those big, blue eyes of hers, tears still clinging to her eyelashes.

"You mean it?"

"Yes, Winry. I do."

She smiled warmly and gave his arm a squeeze. It fell off.

"Oh don't *hic* worry, Al! I have some home-made glue that can fix that-"

"No, Winry. Just, no."

* * *

"Risembool!" shouted the train master over the heads of bustling travelers. "Now arriving at Risembool station!"

If it were not for Armstrong carving him a path through the crowd, Ed would have surely been trampled upon.

"Oh how I've missed being *hic* drunk..."

"IS IT REALLY NECESSARY, YOUNG EDWARD?"

"Of course it is! I have to make up for not being in the last chapter."

"I SEE."

"I can't wait to go to *hic* Disney and feed all the Tiggers."

"EDWARD ELRIC, I MUST NOT LIE TO YOU ANY LONGER."

"Huh?"

"WE ARE NOT GOING TO DISNEY."

"We're not?"

"NO. AT LEAST NOT NOW."

"Then what are we doing here?"

"COME." They both went down an isolated dirt path, leading them both to a run-down wooden shack. A certain man stood outside it.

"Lieutenant Breda?"

"Hey, kid."

"Hey. What's going on?"

"Come inside with me."

They went inside, their steps on the wooden floor kicking up dust.

"This is Mr. Han, our departure coordinator."

"Nice to meet you," said the Xingese man. "Fuu has told me all about you."

"Fuu?"

"Lets get down to business…about the border crossing-"

"Border crossing? But I didn't *hic* bring my passport."

"Don't be naïve," said Breda. "If you use your passport they can track you down."

"You mean the lizard people?"

Breda rolled his eyes. "Yes, Ed, the lizard people."

"WE CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH, MR. HAN."

"You're favor won't go unnoticed in the Colonel's eyes," added Breda.

"And in exchange you'll keep your missionaries out of Xing, yes?"

"Uh…sure, whatever."

"Are we going to Xing?" asked Ed excitedly. "I've always wanted to buy majorly flawed bootleg copies of everything!"

"We're not heading there exactly."

"Then where are we going?"

"You'll see."

* * *

Underground, Father was not too happy with his offspring.

"How could this have happened?"

"We're very sorry, Father."

"You have all failed me."

"We cannot apologize enough, Father."

"We have lost an important member of our family. Apologies will not erase that." Father got up slowly from his chair to pace off his anxieties. "I'm very disappointed in all of you."

"With all due respect, Father," continued Bradley, "this isn't the first time Chuppie has escaped."

"Yeah," said Spam, "he'll turn up again."

"CHUPPIE!" Fat-Ass was crying in the corner over his missing beloved pet.

"You are all very irresponsible children who are undeserving of a pet." The Homunculi looked down in shame. "I mean, what if he gets hit by a car?"

"I'm sure his exoskeleton is strong enough to-"

"That's enough out of you." He waved his hand impatiently. "You will all be grounded for this. By the way, where's your sister? I haven't seen her in a while."

"She's dead."

"Oh…well that puts a dent in my plans."

He went to his agenda and crossed off _Father-Daughter Dance at the Community Center._

"Hm," he thought, "well now I have a Sunday off."

"What should we do about Roy Mustang?" asked Bradley. "He was the one who killed her."

"Promote him."

"We already did that."

"Oh I don't know then, let's just ignore him like we do all our possible enemies."

"Very well, Father."

* * *

"That damn nurse is late again," whined Roy from his hospital bed. "Honestly, is a cup of lemon jello and two shots of morphine too much to ask?"

"Sir, they said you didn't need morphine," said Liza, who dutifully stood guard over his and Havoc's bed. "They said her fingernails barely broke your skin."

"Don't ruin my excuse to get high."

"Please try to behave yourself, sir. I think I hear the doctor coming."

"Congratulations, Colonel Roy Mustang." Dr. Knox had just walked in, holding a clipboard and wearing his usual indifferent expression. "You're pregnant."

"…"

"You must be overjoyed."

"You are the worst doctor ever."

"It's too early to tell the gender, though."

"What are you even doing here? _You work at the morgue_."

"Oh, right." He left.

"Someone needs to sit that man down and give him a lesson in basic human anatomy."

"So what now?" asked Havoc.

"Sir," said Liza, "don't you think it's odd that the enemy hasn't taken the chance to kill you here?"

"I think it's odd that they left those burn jokes between me and Havoc out of the new anime. I mean, those were hilarious."

"The ones where we talked about our burned flesh as if we were steaks?" asked Havoc.

"Yeah."

"Oh those_ were_ hilarious, what a shame to leave them out."

"I know, right? It makes me so angry that it _burns me up inside_."

They both laughed, and Liza immediately experienced a severe migraine.

"Those jokes really did deserve some rec-_ignition_!"

"They should _fire _whoever left them out!"

"I guess they didn't like our _inflammatory_ remarks!"

They laughed harder still, and Liza had an urge to hurt them with her arm

Her _firearm_.

(Disclaimer: The author would like to extend her sincerest apologies for the bad puns. There is truly no excuse for such substandard writing. She will atone for her sin by reading three pages of _Twilight._)

* * *

The sun's heat was beating hard on the four-man party's heads, with the added burden of sizzling automail on Ed's part. Amongst the muffled sounds made by the horses' hooves in the sand, he could not shut out the sound of Armstrong's fervent recap of the previous night's episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

"…AND THEN HIS MOTHER WAS SO ANGRY AT DEBORAH SHE WENT AND SABOTAGED HER COOKING WITH THE EAR MEDICINE THAT WAS COINCIDENTALLY A PIVOTAL POINT IN THE EPISODE."

"Oh god, take me. Please. Let me *hic* pass out and die right now."

"AND THEN RAYMOND HAD TO PRETEND TO ENJOY THE COOKING, LEST DEBORAH MADE HIM SLUMBER UPON THE SOFA ONCE MORE."

"Maybe if I get off this horse and lay in the sun, I'll die of heat stroke and my suffering will end."

"I AM SERIOUS, EDWARD, LET US WATCH THE SHOW TOGETHER SOME DAY. IT IS MOST ENJOYABLE."

"That sounds about as appealing as a prostate exam."

"SOME PEOPLE LIKE PROSTATE EXAMS, EDWARD."

"We're close," interrupted Mr. Han before this fic got any more tasteless, "look."

Ed took his hand-held telescope to set his eyes on the legendary ruins.

"So those are the ruins of Xerxes, the once great kingdom…"

"IT REMINDS ME OF THE EPISODE WHEN THE FAMILY WENT ON A TRIP TO ITALY, AND RAYMOND ACCIDENTALLY BROKE A PRICELESS VASE-"

"Major…I swear to god…" said Breda. "We're all hot and pissy and carrying weapons."

"A HOT DOG IS NOT A WEAPON."

"Yes it is, shut up."

* * *

"I can't wait to visit the Colonel, Alphonse- kun."

"Me too, Sergeant Fuery."

Fuery and Al walked down the hallway of the hospital together, having met there coincidentally.

"I wonder what made him get a sex change all of a sudden?" inquired Al.

"It might have something to do with having gone out with Major General Olivier Armstrong. I imagine it does something to one's gender orientation."

"Yeah, I guess so." They turned a corner to see the newly- named Rebecca Mustang waiting in line at the nurse counter for a free pregnancy test, holding a cup of urine and looking very pleased with herself.

"Already?" said Fuery exasperatedly.

Wait…what?

(Disclaimer: The author's mind has decayed from reading _Twilight._ Please disregard that last part as she rereads some Tolstoy novels to make herself well again.)

* * *

"So you're here to visit the Colonel and Second Lieutenant Havoc too, Alphonse- kun?"

"Yup. I don't think Lieutenant Hawkeye and I would be here today if the Colonel didn't come to our rescue."

Fuery and Al walked down the hallway of the hospital together, having met there coincidentally.

"He's gonna rub it in your face for the rest of forever," said Fuery.

"I know," sighed Al. "Sometimes I still regret putting that barrier up."

"Hm."

They walked up to the room to hear the Colonel talking through the open door.

"All I'm saying is, it wouldn't hurt to get some breast implants while you're here, Lieutenant."

"Bosomy women are all the rage these days," agreed Havoc. "It'll do wonders for your career. You could become a hot secretary, or a hot maid…endless possibilities."

_I can still vaguely remember how to make a caramel macchiato._ thought Liza, her vein pulsating. _It's not so hard. First the milk, then the espresso… Ice first if it's a cold one._

"Speaking of bosomy women, I wanted a private room with a curvy nurse. Why is this not the case, Lieutenant Robinbreast?"

Liza look down at him with a raised eyebrow. "With your insurance, sir, you're lucky they didn't put you in the bathroom like they always do Edo-kun whenever he ends up here."

Roy laughed heartily. "That was the best faulty paperwork I ever submitted."

"Um," said Al, announcing his and Fuery's arrival.

"What happened to you?" asked Havoc, noticing Al's missing arm, shoulder spikes, and lower jaw.

"It was the Homunculus, she attacked me."

"I see."

"Sergeant Fuery, did you bring that map of the city I asked for?" asked Liza.

"Yes, Lieutenant, it's right here."

"Thank you. Please guard the door so that no one comes in while we talk."

"Yes ma'am." He left.

"What've you got there?" asked Roy.

"A map, sir. I calculated the distance we traveled from when we first entered the basement of Laboratory 3 based on the number of steps I took and the length of my strides. From that, I could identify the location of the massive doors we found inside the basement." She pointed at the spot on the map she was referring to. "Since the hallway was slightly curved, the direction was hard to pinpoint…so using my measurement as the radius, I drew a circle with Laboratory 3 as the center."

They all stared.

"How is it that I'm a higher rank than you?" asked Roy in awe.

"Not a day goes by where I don't ask myself that same question, sir."

"Hey look," Havoc noticed something on the map, "Central Headquarters is within the Lieutenant's circle."

Roy looked down at it with his hand on his chin. "And the presidential estate lies barely within it as well. Could this mean that the Fuhrer is involved with the Homunculi?"

"But…in Dublith, he led the squad that annihilated The Situation and his outcasts," said Al.

"He was also the one who called the ambulance for us, right?"

"That's what I heard, sir," said Havoc.

Roy thought some more. "Hughes said that the military is in danger…I wonder how deep the criminals have infiltrated into it." He looked up. "Is there anything else on that map that might give us more clues?"

Al took a look at it to see if he could contribute anything, only to make a strange discovery.

"Um…hey everyone? This is a map of Six Flags."

"What? Don't be ridiculous, Alpho-" Liza looked down and realized he was right. She slapped herself on the forehead in annoyance and horror… Liza was getting stupider the longer she worked around incompetent military staff. She couldn't brain anymore.

"As my subordinates, I'm going to ask you to keep digging into this matter," continued Roy, like they all didn't just have a collective stupid hallucination. "Can I count on you?"

"I suppose the damage to my mind has already been done," said Liza dolefully.

"I'll take that as a yes. And you, Havoc?"

"About that…" said Havoc quietly, gripping the sides of his hospital bed and avoiding eye contact with anyone, "you can count me, out Colonel."

"What? Why?"

"It's just…Solaris…she gave me… genital warts… I'm sorry, I guess I have to retire."

* * *

"These ruins are something, aren't they?" said Breda, after they all arrived at Xerxes and met up with Fuu.

"Yes, they are," agreed Fuu. "It is a shame about all the graffiti, though."

"Yeah."

"Why did you bring the child?"

"The question is, why am I not at Disney, and why are my limbs on *hic* fire?"

"WORRY NOT, YOUNG EDWARD. COME FORTH AND BATHE IN THIS REFRESHING POOL OF VOLCANIC TAR."

"Er, no thanks."

"If I'm not mistaken, isn't there some myth about this place?" asked Breda.

"All I know about *hic* Xerxes is from the story about the 'Philosopher from the East,'" said Ed.

"'Philosopher from the East'?" asked Fuu.

"Uh-huh. It's a children's story about the one who taught the people of my country alchemy. A survivor of the destroyed Xerxes kingdom drifted into the newly founded country of Amestris and spread the *hic* science of alchemy."

"I've heard this story before," said Mr. Han, "but in our country of Xing, he's called 'The Philosopher from the West.' He taught us how to do such things as make hamburgers and wear short shorts in the summer."

"AND THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE THAT PHILOSOPHER WAS FROM?"

"So it is said."

"I'm bored. This place is boring."

"Let's get to our designated location then, shall we?"

* * *

They walked deeper into the crumbling ruins, their sense of awe diminishing dramatically as they took it all in. Every inch of surface space was covered in carvings and graffiti from high school students who had taken field trips here.

"I WONDER HOW A CIVILIZATION THIS ADVANCED COULD BE DESTROYED IN ONE NIGHT?"

"Maybe it's a myth after all," said Breda.

"I still think it was *hic* termites."

"It wasn't termites, Ed."

Ed then noticed a certain huge wall and stopped before it. Most of it was still intact, and he stood curiously before it, his coat whipping in the hot wind as he observed the unusual but familiar alchemic circle upon it.

"Come now, it's this way," said Mr. Han.

"Uh, okay."

"She's pretty far, isn't she?" Breda asked Fuu.

"We couldn't risk anyone finding her," said Fuu. "This is a dangerous place for a woman by herself… Here we are."

"Edward?"

Ed looked up to where he heard his name being called, squinting his eyes from the sun. Then his jaw dropped; there was Maria Ross, smiling as she climbed down the boulders to meet everyone.

"Edward-kun! It _is_ you! How are-"

"HOLY SHIT IT'S A GHOST!"

Maria scratched the back of her head. "Not much has changed, has it?"

"OH MARIA ROSS. HOW OVERJOYED I AM TO SEE YOU. MY HEART NEARLY BURST FROM GRIEVING. JUST LIKE WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT 'TWO AND A HALF MEN' BEING CANCELED AND NEARLY TORE OUT THE COLONEL'S TONSILS IN STEROID-FUELED RAGE. HE WAS MOST TERRIFIED."

"…" said everyone, as Ed began running around and screaming "MARIA ROSS'S SPIRIT IS STILL ANGRY AT ME FOR PUKING IN HER CAR!"

* * *

"Risembool station! Arriving at Risembool station!"

Hohenheim stepped off the train and took a moment to inhale the fresh, grassy air of Risembool. It hadn't been that long, not really.

"I'm home," he thought, beginning the short journey down the winding path to his house. "Some time must have gone by…I wonder how Edward and Alphonse are."

He took in all of the sights as he walked; the sheep herders, the horse carriages…how he missed his quaint way of life. He couldn't wait to get to his house and…and…

Hohenheim's heart slowly sank as his "house" came into view.

He stared at the scorched area of land and sighed. "Something must have happened that made Edward very happy," he thought out loud, "to make him burn the whole thing down like that. So much for my new kitchen cabinets."

He then decided to visit his old friend Pinako.

* * *

The door in front of him opened, and he saw the familiar but frail, elderly woman whom he'd called a friend this past fifty years.

"Edward? Is that you?"

"No, Pinako. It's me, Hohenheim."

"Why, you've grown so much, Edward! I haven't seen you since you were a zygote playing in the backyard."

"Right." He sighed again. She must have forgotten the pills again. "Pinako, I seem to have lost my house. Would you know where my sons are?"

"Why, there used to be orange orchards where your house was built."

"Alright, I'm just gonna walk inside."

He stepped in and immediately noticed a wall of pictures on his right. Upon closer examination of the wall, he saw they were all of his wife and sons, as well as the Rockbell family. There were pictures of Daniel Radcliffe too, here and there.

"It's funny how time flies," he observed, focusing on one particular photo of Pinako. "You were really something in your college days, Pinako. I still remember that time you broke into my house and stole my microwave."

"I had to get it out of there, you were feeding it too much."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Father used his free Sunday to take Selim to the circus.

Selim laughed so hard at the clown performance that he sprayed the audience with blood from his nose and had to be escorted out.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

"Lieutenant…" mumbled Roy in his sleep.

Leaning against the hospital wall to give her legs some rest from standing all day, Liza could not help but pause in her breathing to listen.

"Lieutenant, I…I think I love…"

Her heart seemed to pause, too.

"…Coupon Suzie…"

Liza hung her head and sighed.

"…get her…on the phone…will you?… Thanks…"

She looked down at his pale, peaceful, slumbering face. He was so vulnerable now. How she lamented wasting all her ammo on STD earlier.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Pinako is me in 60 years.

And I just think zygote is a funny word, isn't it? Zygote.

Zyyyygoooooote.

Zygote zygote zygote

**PS**- So does the Liza of this fic love or hate Roy? I've gone and confused myself.

**PSS**- I lied about having read Tolstoy novels

D:

**PSS**- **GUYS!** Check out that TVtropes page on Fullmetal Lol! Thank you, Celtic Kawaii, and anyone else who might have added to it xD! *gives you a zillion heart cookies*


	27. On the Palm of a Dumb Human Being

**Author's Note:** Soooo I made tasteless jokes about prostate exams, gagged/bound men in basements, male pregnancy, breast implants, steroid rage, genital warts, male pregnancy again, vomiting in cars, shooting patients in their sleep, and demonic blood gushing from a child's nostrils. All in one chapter.

I'm a little concerned for myself.

._.

ANYVAYS- I got some really uber awesome reviews and messages last time around, just wanted to extend my thanks and appreciation for them ^_^ I'm glad people are enjoying this!

Also thanks for the online manga suggestions! You guys really came to my rescue :D

I actually have some of the manga, but…they're in Japanese…so far I'm half way through volume 1! It's only been a year since I started it! 8D

* * *

**Chapter 22: **On the Palm of a Dumb Human Being

"…So Maria Ross wasn't the one to *hic* kill Hughes, right?"

"Nope," said Breda.

"I was so sure that Mustang had killed her."

"INDEED. I WAS CERTAIN OF IT MYSELF."

"He wanted you to be suspicious of him. He purposely made a performance of killing Maria Ross so that no one would suspect he'd be the one to sneak her out of the country."

"HOW DID HE CARRY OUT THIS MARVELOUS PLAN?"

"I'll explain it all in a flashback."

"Oh no, please, no flashbacks about Mus-"

**Flashback**

It was a sunny day at East City High School, when a certain Roy Mustang was at the end of an angry Liza Hawkeye's slingshot after he had put hamburger grease in her acne ointment-

**Um…More Recent Flashback**

"What are your thoughts on this?" said Breda as he threw a newspaper onto Roy's desk.

Roy looked down at the newspaper with mild interest. "Hm, the scented pine cones are on sale at Target again. Fullmetal's gonna flip. He'd better not set the women and children on fire to clear his way through the aisles like he did last time. I still haven't finished the paperwork on all the collateral damage."

"Um…I meant the part about Hughes's case. It seems they've already convicted Maria Ross of his murder."

"Did they, now?"

"Don't you think the military's being flashier than usual?"

"Hm."

Just then, the phone rang.

"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard."

"Yeah hi, it's Barry. Listen, Falman got over-excited and passed out, can I take his wallet and leave?"

"Wait wait wait- let me call you from an outside line, the military charges us by the minute to use their phone lines now."

"…right."

* * *

"Hello?"

"Okay, Barry, it's me."

"Oh hey, um, Falman started foaming at the mouth and convulsing-"

"Yeah yeah we all know Falman is useless, what's new- that brings me to my next point. I need Maria Ross broken out of jail and I don't feel like risking my job. You in?"

"What's in it for me?"

"Um, what do you want?"

"I want you to fund a search to find the tooth fairy. She owes me thousands of dollars!"

"Er…she doesn't exist."

"She doesn't?"

"No."

Barry suddenly sounded sad over the phone. "My whole life was a waste."

"Um…How about if I dress up Falman as the tooth fairy and you can stare at him for twelve minutes?"

"…Promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay."

"Great. Bring Ross to the passageway between the warehouses. It'll make it easier for me to kil- er, I mean, save her."

"Right."

Roy hung up and then took out his notebook to write something in it. He then stepped out of the phone booth and tore out the page.

"Breda, it is extremely important that you gather all the items on this list."

Breda looked down at the list he was given. "Sixty pounds of pig bones and flesh…carbon ammonia…phosphorus, sulphur, lime…what are these for?" Breda was suddenly hit with an idea and stared at the Colonel. "Surely you're not trying to make a human corpse?"

"No." The Colonel blinked at him bemusedly. "It's almost lunch time and I'm hungry."

* * *

"Maria Ross, huh?" Roy had said menacingly in the alleyway that night.

She drew out a small canister of pepper spray and let him have it, emptying it in the process.

Roy didn't flinch. "_Please_, I'm immune to that now…Tonight, you die."

There was no time for her to scream; he snapped his fingers and she felt the flames blast in front of her, the orange light burning into her closed eyes.

And then it was over.

She opened her eyes.

"…huh?"

Roy was right in front of her this time, with what looked like a burnt human corpse behind him.

"Get in the dumpster."

"…pardon?"

"Hurry up!"

"Hey-!" He picked her up and threw her in the dumpster to his right. He was about to walk away when he saw a head emerging from the dumpster on his left.

"Uh…Boss?" said Havoc's head. "You threw her in the wrong one."

"Oh, woops." He opened the lid to the wrong dumpster and peered inside. "Sorry about that, Ross. I guess you'll need a shower now."

"I think I'm sitting on a live raccoon."

"It's not alive, those are the maggots you're feeling."

"Colonel, please tell me what's going-"

He proceeded to lift her up and toss her in the correct dumpster, next to Havoc.

"Really, Boss, is that how you treat a lady?" piped Havoc.

"What? It was your idea to hide her in the trash."

"No it wasn't. I'd suggested we hire a forensic bullet analyst to prove her innocence, and if I recall correctly you said that would be 'too expensive'."

"Oh yeah."

"Could someone _please _explain to me why I'm being tossed dumpster to dump-"

"Shhhh! Someone's coming!" He slammed the lid and turned to see a incensed Ed.

"YOU BASTARD!"

"Yo, Fullmetal."

"YOU KILLED MY MOM!"

"What?"

Ed proceeded to sob over the body.

Roy scratched his head, perplexed. "Um…that's Maria Ross."

"Wha- NO! YOU BASTARD!"

He lunged at Roy, and Al showed up just in time to hold him back.

"Niisan!" He struggled to keep the wriggling Ed from breaking free. "Niisan, just because he lied about there being a playground at the inn, that's no excuse to-"

"But he killed Maria Ross, Al!"

"What? Why?"

"She called me 'Keanu Reeves,'" responded Roy ominously.

Listening behind the wall, Havoc couldn't help sniggering. "Oh how he hates it when people call him that…I wouldn't be surprised if he set this whole thing up just so they would stop it."

"Second Lieutenant Havoc," breathed Maria, "this is too much, all happening at once. What's gonna happen to me?"

"Same thing that happens to unwanted Amestrisian orphans," replied Havoc, "you're getting shipped off to Xing."

* * *

**Present**

"…And then I ended up travelling with Mr. Fuu," said Maria.

"I WAS TO COME TO RISEMBOOL AND AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS FROM SECOND LIEUTENANT BREDA. I WAS ALSO TO BRING EDWARD ELRIC ALONG UNDER THE PRETEXT OF GOING TO DISNEY WORLD."

"…I'm really relieved that you didn't get *hic* killed," said Ed.

"Not as relieved as I am."

"So…whose charred, utterly destroyed body was that?" asked Ed.

"It was Justin Bieber's," replied Breda. "We all agreed it was for the best."

"Wait, so why did you drag me all the way here? Why didn't the Colonel just tell me all this back in Central?"

"He lured you out here so he could take the chance to steal your straightening iron."

"What? NO! I need that to fight my naturally curly hair!"

"He thought it'd be funny to see you in your natural state, and we all sort of agreed with him."

"_You bastards_."

As Ed said this, a curl popped out of his ponytail with a _boing_. He frantically tried to stick it back in and said, "How the hell did you *hic* know about that, anyway?"

"It was in your file, we all got drunk and read it together."

"…what else did you find out?"

"That your middle name is Sheldon. At any rate," continued Breda to the rest of the group while Ed died a little inside, "we're all here to get more information. This is what the Colonel obtained," Breda took out a Keroppi notebook. "From here on out, let's not hide anything from each other and exchange information freely."

"OH I LOVE FREELY EXCHANGING INFORMATION."

"No, Major, that's not what I-"

"WHEN I WAS BUT A YOUNG LAD SIPPING CAPUCCINO AT THE LOCAL CAFÉ, I COULD NOT HELP BUT NOTICE HOW RIPLING MY THIGHS AND ABS WERE. IT WAS THEN THAT I DECIDED TO MODEL FOR CALVIN KLEIN ATHLETIC CUPS."

This was followed by a pronounced silence.

"See this is why we don't invite you to our poker games anymore, Major," said Breda.

"Wait wait wait- you have poker games and you don't invite me?" asked Ed, stung by this.

"You're too good at phototransmuting, you'd cheat."

"SPEAKING OF PHOTOTRANSMUTATION, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE SOME PHOTOS OF THE HOMUNCULI?"

* * *

"…and this is the *hic* guy who kidnapped Al in Dublith."

"So two out of these five known Homunculi are dead," said Breda, "and the Fuhrer is suspicious."

"THAT SEEMS TO BE THE CASE."

"Then these 'homunculi' and the like really do exist?" asked Fuu.

"Yep."

"MAYBE WE SHOULD SEEK OUT DR. MARCOH AGAIN."

"Maybe."

"…I don't even have anything to do with the Internet," said Maria dolefully. "Why did I get swept up in this?"

"I guess you really didn't kill Hughes then," said Breda.

"That much should be obvious," said Maria.

"Hughes…he's really dead then…" sighed Ed.

Maria sighed as well. "I'm sorry I ended up missing his funeral. How was it?"

"It was a very solemn, dignified ceremony," said Breda. "All the people dearest to Hughes were there, and, as requested by his will, his body was drenched in Coca Cola and launched into space."

"WHAT A SOMBER DAY IT WAS."

"Yes."

"So what are you going to do now?" Ed asked Maria.

"She has accepted our offer of coming to my country," said Fuu.

"To Xing?"

"Yeah…it seems that once I set off, I can never return to our country, huh?"

"Don't worry, our clan will abide by our pact with the Young Master and take care of you."

"BUT AT LEAST, WHY DON'T WE LET YOUR PARENTS KNOW YOU ARE SAFE?"

"No. If they find out I'm alive, if they leaked it out, then we would not be able to repair the damage."

"AND BROSH? HE IS QUITE DEVASTATED." Somewhere, Brosh was indeed rubbing his face against an old face cloth he had once salvaged from her garbage.

"Er…no, that's okay. I prefer that he thinks I'm dead."

"VERY WELL." He began tearing.

She saluted. "Thank you all so very much. I can never fully repay my debt to you."

Armstrong and Breda saluted back.

"WE WILL ALSO BE WORKING TO ACHIEVE THE DAY WHEN WE CAN GREET YOUR RETURN TO OUR COUNTRY WITH OPEN ARMS."

"Edward, keep your spirits up too, will you?"

"Yeah, until next *hic* time." When he lifted his hand to salute her back, he felt a sudden wave of nausea; he ran up to her horse and vomited all over its back.

"All the open desert space he could ever need, and he chose my horse."

"OH EDWARD, YOU LITTLE TYKE."

"Come on, Ed," said Breda. "We're going to the Starbucks across from Xerxes to get you some coffee."

"What Starbucks? We're in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by desert on all sides."

"…We're going to the Starbucks across from Xerxes."

* * *

A few miles later on horseback, Maria and Fuu shielded their eyes against the blazing sun as Maria fought with mixed feelings of dread and excitement.

"Mr. Fuu, what kind of country is Xing?"

"It is a place where rain is illegal, and where all young women must drop out of school to work on weird game shows."

"…"

"Please do not cry, Miss Ross. We must conserve water. You have already used half your flask to clean your horse."

* * *

"WE SHOULD BE GETTING A MOVE ON SOON, BEFORE THE SUN GETS TOO HIGH."

"Urgh, back through the desert, what a pain."

"WAIT, WHERE DID EDWARD GO?"

* * *

Finally sober again, Ed had wandered away from the group, hoping to see that mysterious alchemic circle again. He was currently unaware of the red eyes following him.

"Here it is…"

He observed the large stone structure, lost in thought. "Compared with an alchemical sigil…are there any differences? A two-headed dragon…and five suns…? It looks like the transmutation circle in the Fifth laboratory, but… Ah damnit! I can't understand the whole thing since the top portion is covered in graffiti."

Without warning, he felt someone attacking from behind him. He quickly dodged and pinned the man to the ground by the arm.

"Damn traveling salesmen!" he shouted. "Wont you leave me be?"

"I don't want to sell you anything, idiot," said the Ishbalan, his voice muffled due to his face being pressed against the ground.

"Then what do you want?"

Suddenly, Ed found himself surrounded by Ishbalans.

"That is no good, Paul," said an elderly woman who seemed to be their leader. "How are we supposed to use the boy if you cannot even kidnap him properly?"

"So that's it, is it?" said Ed as he began to understand the situation. "You're trying to make me your hostage, aren't you?"

"Do not be ridiculous," scoffed the old woman. "We Ishbalans are a proud people, displaced from our home and treated like vermin by your military."

"I assure you that I'm no good as a hostage," said Ed. "Not even my own Colonel would bail me out of jail after I set the National Library on fire."

"We are not seeking hostages, young man," she replied. "We are a little low on cash, so we will be selling your organs on the black market."

* * *

"DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING, SECOND LIEUTENANT?"

"Yeah," said Breda. "It sounds like a horrified, dying animal."

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Ed was given peyote to null the pain of his kidney removal. He wandered the desert for three days, chasing a tumbleweed he thought was Mr. Sandwich.

Breda and Armstrong eventually found him making outrageous claims that the planet was round to an audience of hungry-looking vultures. They gave him some more coffee and took him to Disney.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

At Xing, Maria was greeted with a shower of rose petals and crystal fabric softener. It brought her much joy until she found out that this was a Xingese custom for "cleansing foreign women of evil spirits and contagions."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Luckily, I was able to work on this chapter on and off despite my crazy hiatus (see my profile about that TT_TT).

Having two jobs consumes all my me-time and I am not in my happy place right now :(

But the good news is, I'm going to grad school :B


	28. The Father Before the Grave

**Author's Note:** YOSH! Insane hiatus more or less over. I have now moved and have more free time to mess with Edward and the gang! (Or as much free time grad school will allow). Still, HUZZAH!

Anyway, this chapter may contain slight **SPOILERS** for those who haven't finished the series and don't know much about Hohenheim.

* * *

**Chapter 23:** The Father Before the Grave

Armstrong, Breda, and Ed returned to Risembool via horse wagon, all three wearing Mickey hats and laden with souvenirs.

"… Boy that was a fun time at Disney."

"Oh yeah."

"INDEED. IT IS TOO BAD THAT THE COLONEL BLEW UP THE 'IT'S A SMALL WORLD' RIDE YEARS AGO."

"Er, yeah… terrible loss…"

"Oh by the way, Ed," said Breda, "sorry about the whole kidney incident. We should've been watching you better."

"Eh, it's alright. Winry stuck it in there backwards after the last time it was stolen, so it wasn't working properly anyway."

"THAT IS MOST FORTUNATE."

"Yeah. Also it wasn't actually my kidney, she sewed a toaster inside me."

"… huh."

"SHALL WE HEAD BACK TO CENTRAL AND CONTINUE OUR INVESTIGATION THEN?"

"Actually, guys, I'm gonna stay here in Risembool and see if my house grew back."

"…"

"See ya."

"Alright, see ya big man."

"GOODBYE, EDWARD ELRIC."

* * *

Meanwhile, Al and Winry arrived at the inn after a long day.

"Thanks for taking me to the *hic* carnival, Al," said Winry as she munched on some cotton candy.

"That wasn't the carnival, Winry. We went to a specialist to do something about your condition, and he told us that there's no insurance in the world that would cover a 'head removal.' Then he called us freaks, laughed at us, and slammed the door in our faces."

"Then where did I get this cotton candy from?"

"That's not cotton candy, you're eating your own hair."

"Well it's delicious."

Just as they reached the stairs, the receptionist called them over.

"Mr. Elric! Sir! I'm afraid your room charges are due."

"But… Niisan usually pays. I don't have a job."

"I'm sorry, sir, but you've been here a week, so I can't let you stay longer with your outstanding balance as it is."

He turned to Winry. "Winry, could you cover me?"

"Garfiel only pays me in gum. Do you guys accept gum?"

"No."

Al thought for a moment. Then he mentally sighed, knowing that he would not be proud of what he was about to do.

He walked over to the welcome desk and handed the receptionist a card that he only reserved for emergencies.

"Here, just charge it to Colonel Mustang's office."

* * *

As Edward walked his way through the winding dirt path to his house, he noticed a familiar figure standing before his mother's grave.

"No… no it… it can't be… it's not possible…" He broke into a run and stopped only when the figure's wide back was an arm's length from him.

Sensing someone behind him, Hohenheim turned around, and Edward looked up at his father for the first time in ten years.

"Papa?" Ed's pupils suddenly got huge. "Papa, is that you?"

Hohenheim looked at him and braced himself for the water works. "Ah, Edward… I see you've grown a bit."

"You're back from the grocery store then?" Ed began to tear. "Where's that milk you said you were buying?"

His father sighed. "Look, Edward, I know this is sudden, but-"

"Does Mom know you're back?" Ed's voice steadily grew more high-pitched.

"Edward, please don't make this any harder than it already is."

Ed buried his face in his hands and started sobbing loudly.

"Well how do you think I feel?" said Hohenheim. "I turn my back for one decade and the house is gone, my wife is gone, and you and your brother try bringing Batman to life and end up all mutilated."

"We needed a male figure to care for us! IT WAS HARD!"

"But why _Batman_? I would think that someone like Spiderman is more than capable of-"

"DON'T YOU BRING MARVEL INTO THIS!"

"Edward, calm down-"

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?"

"Look, I'm not proud. And it's complicated. Why don't we-"

"FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!" screamed a loud, gratuitous American voice.

"What the hell was that?" asked Ed, looking around.

"It's the new anime," said Hohenheim. "The Japanese producers thought it would be a good idea to throw that in there before and after each commercial break."

"Boy that is a really obnoxious part of an otherwise superb anime."

"Yes. Yes it is."

* * *

Later that night at the Rockbell residence, Hohenheim and Pinako enjoyed some tea as Edward stayed in the guest room upstairs to dramatically weep into his pillow.

"It's good that you're back from your midlife crisis," said a sharp-minded Pinako after Hohenheim had forced those pills in her. "What is this, like, the eighth time you've done this?"

"I go through a lot of crises," sighed Hohenheim. "Every fifty years or so. Trisha understood this about me. Life is not easy for someone like me, after all."

"What did you do this time? Did you start a boy-band again?"

"Oh no no no, my boy-band days are behind me… This time I tried to become an exotic animal-taming vigilante. Let's just say there's a black plague in Drachma right now."

"At least it wasn't as bad as last time."

"You mean when I took the first airplane for a joy ride? I must have set back aviation technology for another hundred years or so."

Pinako took off her glasses to wipe them with a cloth. "Why do you do this, Hohenheim?"

"Oh, I don't know… it's like… I just need to _find_ myself, you know? I wasn't ready to be tied down."

"You can't just run away from responsibility, Hohenheim."

"I know, but… It wasn't just marriage. It was the boys too, they were insufferable. They replaced my shaving cream with bees."

"Indeed, they had very active imaginations."

"And every time their teacher gave them F's, they distracted me and Trisha by pretending to go through a clogging phase. We were horrified."

"I'm not so sure they were pretending."

"Why weren't you watching them anyway, Pinako?"

"They had their mother, they were fine."

"But what did you do after she died?"

"I just sort of ignored them."

Hohenheim sighed. "Did you at least bury Batman properly?"

"I did the best I could."

"Was it really Batman they made, Pinako?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did they successfully make him?"

"He was inside-out, so… no, not what I'd call 'a success.'"

"Ew."

* * *

At the hotel, Ling and Lan Fan were paying Al and Winry a visit, with Winry having to sing soothing songs to her second head because Al refused to buy her more alcohol.

"… So apparently my father is in Risembool now," said Al.

"Your father?" asked Ling.

"Yeah. He went missing for about ten years."

"Is it customary in your land to abandon your offspring for a decade?"

"Um, no."

"Why did he leave then?"

"I don't know why he left. One day we ran out of milk at the breakfast table, so he got up and said he'd go to the grocery store to buy more. We never saw him again."

"That is indeed odd."

"It is. Maybe he was mad about the bees."

"Hm."

"Ling, do you have a good relationship with your father?" Al asked curiously.

"I'm afraid it's very strained. As the son of the Emperor, I must complete seven impossible tasks every time I wish to speak to him."

"Really? What sort of tasks?"

"You know, the usual stuff… Climbing the steepest mountains… crossing the hottest deserts… traversing alligator-infested swamps… reciting the national Xingese anthem perfectly while having open heart surgery underwater… you know, that sort of thing."

"… I'm sorry I asked."

"And we usually just end up arguing over financial issues. You see, Xing is a country formed by a congregation of more than fifty minor tribes. A daughter of each of those tribes' chiefs is offered to the Emperor to become his concubine and bear his child, thus producing many princes and princesses throughout Xing. I have twenty three brothers and nineteen sisters, all competing to get child support from him."

"Wow… and I imagine you must be competing against all of them for the throne too, huh?"

"Oh yes, it's a pretty sweet throne. It has armrests that are like, dragons or something."

"Yeah that's not what I meant. So will you be returning to Xing once you find the Internet?"

"In time I'll return. I have also decided to seek my future Empress while I'm on this quest, but so far the only woman who hasn't refused my country's courtship customs is Winry."

Indeed, Winry had finished singing her second head to sleep, and was currently sitting contently on the bed, running a finger along her toilet seat necklace and eyeing Ling seductively.

Al couldn't help but stare.

"It's okay, I got it from the women's bathroom," said Ling.

"That… doesn't make it okay."

* * *

"DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN, PAPA!" Ed was bawling, clutching desperately onto his father's leg as the latter tried leaving the Rockbell house.

Hohenheim scratched his head. "Er… I'm not leaving, Edward. I'm, um, going to the grocery store to buy milk."

"THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME!"

"Well I forgot it the last time I went."

Ed looked up at him with teary puppy-eyes.

"You'll come back this time?"

"Yes, Edward, I will. I promise."

"… Okay."

"Now run along upstairs and go back to bed, alright kiddo?"

Ed sniffled "okay" again and went back upstairs.

Pinako looked at Hohenheim. "And that explains why he hates milk!"

"How come there was no reference to his hating milk earlier in this fic?" asked Hohenheim.

"Because this joke came to the author too late."

"Ah."

"It's still funny though."

"Yeah well no now it's sorta dead."

"…"

"…"

"Can you loan me money for a new microwave?"

"It's 1914, those weren't invented yet."

"Why do you know that?"

"I remember it from one of my midlife crises."

"Wait, you're not making any sense."

"Go on the Internet and complain about it."

"The what?"

Hohenheim left.

* * *

At the hospital, Roy sat in the patients' lounge, with Liza standing guard over him. He put a jacket over his hospital clothes, and was reading a thick anatomy book when Dr. Knox plopped down next to him.

"Hello, Dr. Knox. What brings you here today?"

"I had to bring my house plants to the emergency room. They weren't doing so well."

"You mean those plastic ones?"

"Yeah."

"Your plastic house plants aren't doing well. So you brought them to a hospital."

"Yeah." Dr. Knox then noticed what Roy was reading. "What is that?" he asked, pointing at an illustration.

"It's a diagram of a spine."

"Like, a book spine?"

Roy sighed. "No, Dr. Knox, it's not like a book spine. Oh wait I'm looking at the wrong page." He flipped through the book a bit. "There we go."

"What is _that_?"

"That is genital warts."

"Oh, like the kind witches have?"

"Do you know what the word 'genital' means?"

"I've been told that people use it to create something called a 'zygote,' but I don't know what that is."

"Listen, why don't you go over there?"

"Okay." He left.

Just then, a lower officer walked up to Roy.

"Hello, Colonel Mustang!"

"Oh no, not you-"

Tom sat down next to Roy.

"So what will it be, sir? Crystal healing or Reiki?"

"Lieutenant, where are my gloves?"

"I left them in your glove compartment, sir."

* * *

Meanwhile, Havoc was broodily smoking in his room, watching out the window as children played.

"Yo." Breda had just walked in. "How are you holding up?"

"Eh, so-so. Did the plan go through?"

"Yes, there were no slip-ups. I gave the reports to the Colonel just now."

"That's good. Did you bring the ointment?"

"Um… yeah. How did you even get genital warts if you never slept with her, anyway?"

"I'm not so sure of it myself… It must've been the Jacuzzi."

"… ergh."

* * *

Breda went back down to the lounge later to see if the Colonel had finished reading the report he had put together at Xerxes.

Tom was now sprinkling potpourri over an annoyed- looking Roy's head, Liza's face turning crimson from suppressed laughter.

"Um… Colonel? Have you gone through my report?"

"No. The smell of avocado oils is quite distracting. What do you suggest should be our next move?"

"How about I go looking for Doctor Marcoh, sir? That'd be a great place to start."

"Yeah sure go have fun with it." Breda left and Roy turned to Tom. "Are you quite done yet?"

"Just relax, Colonel. Allow your third eye to open."

Tom began running his hands an inch over Roy's head, chanting something with his eyes closed.

"You ever wonder what the inside of a car trunk looks like, Tom?"

* * *

Dr. Marcoh, currently under the obviously fake name of "Dr. Mauro," was now miles away, tending to a boy's injuries at a small town.

"Ow ow ow it hurts."

"That's what you get for doing various outdoor activities," answered Marcoh as he rubbed alcohol on the boy's scraped elbow. "Next time stay indoors and play some videogames."

"Thank you, Doctor," said the boy's mother after he was patched up.

"You are most welcome. Take care, now." He led them out the door, then sat down at his table.

He was about to enjoy a nice cup of tea with a Danielle Steel novel when he heard a knock at the door. Thinking it was another patient, he did not hesitate to open the door.

"Yes?" he said, a bit surprised as he noticed the man's blue military uniform. "Can I help you?"

"Dr. Mauro," said Breda. "No… Marcoh. I came to pay you a visit."

Dr. Marcoh's eyes widened in horror. "You have the wrong person! I-" It was then he noticed Fat-Ass behind the soldier, and tried slamming the door.

It was no use- Breda forced open the door, swiftly entering as he transformed into Spam.

"Oh no!" cried Marcoh. "It's STD's less-attractive younger sister! Whatever do you want me for?"

Fuming, Spam kicked a coffee table aside and shoved Dr. Marcoh into a chair.

"It _seems_," snarled Spam, ignoring Fat-Ass's giggling, "that you've made a nice little home for yourself here, Dr. Marcoh."

"Please leave, I want nothing to do with you anymore!"

"How rude of you, Dr. Marcoh. If you were to work for the military, you'd have a much larger, fully-equipped laboratory. Whaddya say, Marcy? Hm? Come with us, we need pawns like you."

"I'll never work for you again! I'll die first!"

"If you don't cooperate with us, or if you do anything foolish like killing yourself," said Spam menacingly, "we'll bring a reality television show to this town."

Marcoh twisted his face in mental agony, the tears coming. "No… please… no… think of the children! I beg of you!"

"I can see it now…" Spam held up his hands in front of him. "'Small Town, Big Dreams.' It'll be about teen beauty queen runaways trying to make it on their own while competing to win plastic surgery to get Christmas lights implanted in their nipples."

"No! You speak horrors!"

"You have no right to live so peacefully after the atrocities you committed in Ishbal, Doctor. We're not giving you a choice."

"Found it!" Fat-Ass pulled the Blackberry out of the bookshelf it was hidden in.

"Perfect. Let's go."

* * *

Some time later, the real Breda knocked on Dr. Marcoh's door.

"Doctor! Are you there? I need to speak with you immediately!"

Still, there was no answer.

"I wonder if he's out…" He looked around and spotted a farmer walking by. "Excuse me, is the doctor away from home?"

The farmer looked up. "Oh? You were there a while ago, no?"

"What? A while ago?"

"Did you leave something behind?"

"No, this is the first time I've been here."

"But a while ago you entered his place, I saw you. Though you were dressed a bit differently. And you seemed a lot fatter then, too."

"_What?_"

"Also, you forced your way in, but I don't believe in calling the police."

"Crap!" Breda pulled out his gun and kicked the door open.

It was immediately obvious that he was too late; there were signs of a struggle and the doctor was no where to be found.

"Dammit! Dammit all to hell!"

Roy was surely going to treat him to forty-five minutes of vuvuzela punishment for this.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Tom had the honor of spending the night in the trunk of Colonel Mustang's car.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

Edward watered the burnt foundations of his house later that day. It still showed no sign of growing back.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART THREE**

"Here's your mail, sir," said Liza Hawkeye as she handed her Colonel some letters later that night.

"Thank you, Lieutenant, I really appre-" it was then that he noticed the pink envelope that smelled of lilac and vanilla extract. "Um, Lieutenant? Is this another one of those cards from that 'Garfiel' guy?" He tried wiping the glitter off his hands on his hospital blanket as he said this.

"No, sir… that one is from the Major."

"Ah. That explains that." It went straight into the trash bin to share company with the teddy bear and box of roofie- laced chocolates from Garfiel.

* * *

**Author's Note:** So I noticed that a lot of you love the fact that I stick to canon for the plot, but… I almost don't have the heart to say it… I only do it because I'm too lazy to come up with my own plot.

D:


	29. Maes's Funeral

**Author's Note:** HAPPY TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO FULLMETAL LOL!

(EDIT: The anniversary was actually on the 9th. I thought it was the 14th. Because 9 looks like 14. I am in college.)

:D! Also my birthday is in nine days… Yeesh I'm getting old D: plus I don't update enough…

ANYWAY- I have always regretted not writing out that funeral scene after Maes Hughes was killed… It was just too depressing, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. It truly was one of the most tragic scenes in the history of anime.

So anyway, here it is.

* * *

**Chapter 9.5: **Maes's Funeral

It was one of those few perfect Amestrisian summers; the day was lightly cloudy with a balmy breeze. The temperature was just right, and birds dotted the sky like ink sprayed across a blank page. It should not have been such a beautiful day. The atmosphere was almost mocking when juxtaposed to the insurmountable tragedy of the moment.

But enough about the author's broken cell phone.

The funeral was small, quiet, and solemn. Instead of black, many of the attendees wore the royal and dark blue hues of the military. Nonetheless, they hung their heads in sorrow as they listened to the deceased's best friend speak.

"… never could have imagined this happening to my dear friend, Maes," said Roy Mustang, reading off a crumpled piece of paper. "But here we are, all of his friends and family, as well as his new wife's friends and family. I know in my heart that they'll experience joy for many years to come. Congratulations, guys. Here's to you."

Roy waited for claps that never came. Instead, he heard the distant sound of birds chirping and Gracia bawling quite loudly.

"Thank you, Colonel, for your touching speech," said the priest, "though next time I suggest writing a new one instead of recycling the one from the Hughes wedding."

"It's what Maes would have wanted."

"I'm sure." The priest took his place on the podium. "Friends and family of Maes Hughes, let us not forever carry our grief. Let us remember Maes Hughes for all the good he has brought us, for the ways in which he had touched our lives…"

Roy went back to his folding chair among his subordinates. Just as he sat down, they all said what he was about to say.

"Dibs on his blender!"

"Aw darn it," said Roy. "I love that thing!"

"Yeah, me too," said Breda. "It has a setting for everything, even small mammals."

"Shhhh," said Liza Hawkeye irritably.

"You guys know what I want at my funeral?" asked Roy.

"What?" asked Havoc.

"A stripper in the cake. I would love that."

"But you'll be dead."

"Oh. Okay when I said funeral I meant wedding."

"_Shhhh_." Liza's hand inched towards her gun.

"So how do you guys want to go?" asked Breda. "I sure hope I'm old when I go."

"Me too," said Fuery."

"You guys are so predictable," said Roy. "I'll die at forty-two of a broken pelvis."

"Heheh that's the spirit, Colonel," said Havoc. "I hope I die surrounded by chicks."

"You'll die in a pool of your own STDs, Havoc."

"My mom says I'll die choking on a sandwich alone in my apartment," said Falman.

"…" said everyone.

"At least it'll be a ham sandwich. That's my favorite."

"When I die, I bet the whole world will mourn me," said Roy. "They'll build statues in my honor." He turned to Liza. "Lieutenant, don't I have a will?"

"Somewhere in the office sir, yes."

"When we get back I have a few adjustments to add to it," stated Roy. "For one, I want you in Ponyta cosplay at my funeral."

Liza had her own plans for Roy's funeral. She would be miles away, soaking up the sunlight in Tahiti with a masseuse named Alejandro, before…

"By the way, how do you plan to die, Lieutenant?"

"I will be executed for first-degree murder, sir," she replied. "You will sign paperwork to have all military women register their sizes, subsequently leading me to shoot you in the pelvis. Repeatedly."

"Hey Colonel," said Fuery, "What do you want us to do with your body?"

"Preserve it," said Roy, "Its beauty should never fall to decomposition. The world deserves to have it for generations to come."

"Okay."

"Put it on display at the National Museum of Amestrisian History."

"Gotcha."

Roy narrowed his eyes at his subordinates. "And under no circumstances are you allowed to position me in silly poses!"

"…darn it," said Breda.

"We would have had you on all fours in the bathroom, scrubbing the tiles with a wash bucket near you," said Havoc.

"That line almost went very wrong," said Roy.

_It would save the military some money if I shot the Colonel right now and we held a double funeral_, thought Liza.

As she mentally balanced the joys of shooting her Colonel with its consequences, General Grumman and Major General Halcrow sat amongst some very uncomfortable soldiers in the third row.

"… and as soon as this ends, Halcrow, I want a full-on investigation into this murder," said Grumman, his arms crossed and his jaws tensed. "Leave no stone unturned. We need to find the criminals who committed this heinous act."

"That's all fine and dandy," said Halcrow, "but… did you have to come naked, sir? This is a funeral after all."

"I cannot focus if I'm not in the buff, Halcrow. I do not expect you to understand."

"Right, sir."

"And do something about this draft, will you?"

"…right, sir."

Meanwhile, a few rows back, Tom was having his usual annoying conversations with people.

"For the last time, Tom," said an annoyed officer, "Hughes is not coming back as a zombie. Those are fictional."

"Then why did Hughes want his body launched into space?" said Tom. "He always kept secrets and knew things we didn't. Unusual things. I bet you anything he knew about the upcoming zombie apocalypse and decided to adjust his will accordingly so he wouldn't come back to kill his best friend."

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you."

"That's why I check under my bed every night. Zombies."

"You don't have a bed, you sleep on a home-made futon because your various contradicting religions don't allow you to spend the money you make in the military."

"I don't own a bed because they refuse to pay the machines that make them."

"Right. How did Hughes die, anyway?"

"Global warming."

Everyone could hear the strangling going on amidst the attendees, but no one really cared because they had each had their hands around Tom's throat at one time or another.

Elsewhere amongst the seated funeral attendees, Major Armstrong was crying grape-sized tears. "OH WHAT A LAMENTABLE DAY," he cried.

"There, there," an officer patted his large shoulder.

"I AM MISSING A _SEX IN THE CITY _MARATHON FOR THIS." The officer glumly removed his hand from the Major's shoulder and henceforth gave up on life. "IT FEATURES THE ONE WHERE SAMANTHA HAS HER LEGS AMPUTATED TO MAKE INTERCOURSE EASIER."

In the first row, Gracia was unaware of these absurd conversations happening throughout her late husband's funeral. She was wiping her tears when she could not help but notice the odd, inappropriately- dressed man sitting next to her.

"I don't think we've met," she said. "Were you one of Maes's friends?"

"I met your husband at camp," said Garfiel. "Let's just say he knew me like a book."

"I see."

"The way a bookworm knows a book, if you know what I mean."

There existed no method of measurement to describe the look of disgust on Gracia's face, but if there were, she would have broken some sort of record.

Behind the priest, Fuhrer King Bradley was standing rigid, hands shaking slightly on his sheathed sword, which he positioned in the ground in front of himself as a sign of respect. He was currently questioning why he came, and why he decided to bring Selim.

"Daddy, I'm bored."

"Shhhh, quiet, Selim."

"Daddy, you said we were going to McDonald's."

"When I said 'McDonald's,' what I meant was 'shut the hell up'."

"I want a _Kung Fu Panda 2_ toy!"

"The only toy you're getting is a slap in the face."

Selim did his characteristic crossing-his-arms-and-pouting trick. "I'm telling Mom."

"Where is your mother, anyway? Why am I stuck watching you?"

At the mansion, unbeknownst to her husband, Mrs. Bradley was currently enjoying some "Mrs. Bradley quiet time" by sliding down the banisters and Tarzaning the chandeliers.

"And now," said the priest to whom no one was listening, "a few words from the Fuhrer King Bradley."

All the funeral goers stood up in respect as the Fuhrer came forward to speak. He put his hands out to gesture for everyone to sit down again. Then he unfolded his own piece of paper for his speech. He cleared his throat loudly, then spoke; "Maes Yancy Hughes, loyal soldier of the Amestris military and beloved family man, you are hereby demoted two ranks to Captain." He glanced up from his paper to look at the crowd. "No dying allowed in the military!"

Everyone clapped halfheartedly as he stepped down.

"…and with that," concluded the priest, "let us commit his body to space where it belongs, ashes to ashes, star dust to star dust."

With the bagpipes playing and Gracia and Elicia weeping some more, the rocket that Maes's body was strapped to was angled upwards. Roy did the honors and with a _snap_ set aflame the ignition. Everyone covered their ears as Maes shot into space, the rocket blasting off and leaving the funeral goers in a thick fog of black smoke.

* * *

When the funeral ended, several people stuck around to speak to each other.

"So Gracia," Roy swaggered up to the widow. "I hear you're single now."

Swiftly came the slap.

He rubbed his cheek as she walked away and Liza approached him.

"Did no one ever teach you the concept of shame, sir?"

"Says the woman who lived as a shower-free hippie in her college days."

"… you knew about that?"

* * *

One hand holding her daughter's, the other wiping the tears, Gracia walked towards an empty home with an irreparable heart.

It was just then that a red car drove up to them and stopped. The window rolled down and Garfiel's head poked through it.

"Hello again, Mrs. Hughes," he said. "I hear you're single now."

Gracia frowned. "But I thought you only liked men?"

"Honey, man or woman, I can't resist someone with an ass like that."

Gracia looked down at her daughter, and then at Garfiel.

"Okay," she said. She let go of Elicia's hand and entered the car. It drove off into the sunset.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Elicia grew up to invent the Imperial system.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO **

The Amestris military never quite had a substantial budget set towards any space program. It came as a surprise to no one that the rocket carrying Maes's body didn't make it seventy feet into the stratosphere before it sputtered out of power and fell apart in mid-air.

Maes's body landed in a large tree next to the Bradley mansion. Some guys tried poking it down with a stick but it was stuck in there good.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I may decide to edit this into Chapter 9 as I complete this story. I know this was a bit short (and I am currently working on the new chapter), but… thoughts?

**PS**- Some credit goes to my sister for helping me with Mrs. Bradley and Elicia in this chapter ^_^

**PPS**- It's creeping me out how much of myself I'm putting into Falman. I also choked on a sandwich alone in my apartment once -_-

… and I have a Neopets account ._.

**PPPS**- I typed the following in the library as some students I knew walked by and made me desperate to look like I was doing something productive. I decided to leave it there since it amused me. I may have pulled a Roy here.

Oh god type something. Anything. Pretend you're doing something important. Frown at the screen. Yes. Damn you grad school and procrastination! This is awful. Nothing done. Lol lol lol. Twenty grand down the drain. Cats.


	30. River of Stupid

**Author's Note:** Yep, I know… These updates are getting further and further apart *sighs*. My only excuse is that life keeps happening. Still, I promise to work on this during any free time I have.

On that note, thank you all so much for the amazing reviews for Maes's funeral! I never imagined I'd get such wonderful responses o.o

Thank you! ^_^

**PS- IMPORTANT** I went back and changed David Hasselhoff to Martha Stuart ._. I thought it was more appropriate, given that Izumi is a housewife and all. I know writers shouldn't go back and change things and I'm sorry if I annoyed anyone.

**PPS**- No I'm not.

**PPPS**- You should all be ashamed of yourselves for laughing at a funeral!

* * *

**Chapter 24: **River of Stupid

Back at the inn, Ling was feeling somewhat regretful for giving Winry hope. She now had her arms draped around him like some obese guy hugging Mayor McCheese.

"I like your accent," she cooed. Lan Fan tightened her grip on her kunai in case the Prince's priceless virginity was in danger.

"Er… thank you," said Ling awkwardly, not sure of what to say. "I like your, um… how you breathe through only one nostril."

"_It runs in the family_," she seductively whispered in his ear.

"Winry," said Al, fearing he'd have to pay extra room charges for Winry's potential kunai- induced blood stains, "why don't you go to your room? You must be tired after sniffing paint all day."

"_Fine._" Winry turned back to Ling and handed him a key. "Here's a copy of my room key." She winked at him and left.

"Knowing her, that's probably a plastic key she found in a cereal box," said Al. He looked back to find Ling staring at him.

"Hey," said Ling, tilting his head as though curious about something, "if I stuck mutton inside your belly and lit a fire under you, could I use you as a crock pot?"

"No."

"But-"

"No. You should go to your room also."

"But I don't have a room."

"Then go book one!"

"I can't. It seems none of the businesses of Amestris accept Xingese bills, even though they have my face on them."

"Just take Mustang's card and leave!"

* * *

Sometime later, Al knocked on Winry's door.

"Winry? You in there? I just wanted to check on you-"

She opened the door, wearing the vilest pair of pants known to man.

"Do you think Ling likes jeankinis?" she asked a regretful Al, posing for him.

"Winry, you need to stop. You give me nightmares sometimes."

"I do?"

"No, wait, I don't have nightmares… ever… seeing as how I've never been able to sleep since I was ten…"

"Oh no!" exclaimed Winry. "Did something bad happen to you when you were ten?"

Al sighed and looked at the floor dejectedly. "I wish I was as happy as women in tampon commercials."

* * *

There was darkness all around him. It was pressing on all sides, like liquid, drowning and suffocating him. Edward squinted and turned around on the spot but there was nothing.

Then, he saw it. A small light. He had to run to it.

"Give it back…Give it back!" he shouted, reaching a hand out as the spot of light expanded.

"Give it back?" repeated an upside-down Kanye/Truth. He seemed to be standing on, rather than hanging from, some invisible ceiling. "Why the hell should I?"

"He's my only brother!" his voice cracked with fury and desperation.

Truth was suddenly face-to-face with Edward.

"It was by those hands of yours that your brother is in the iron body, not by any fault of mine." His eyeless face grinned widely.

Mortified, Ed sensed a creeping presence behind him.

"You're no different from me," said a bloodied Shou Tucker. "Equivalent Exchange, isn't it?"

Ed tried to scream, but it was caught in his throat. "No… it's not true…" His eyes widened in horror, the color leaving his face. But then-

"Wait." He frowned and looked around himself. "Wait wait wait- where's the punch line here?"

"What?"

"The punch line. Where is it?"

"Oh. Um, nothing really came up for this particular scene," said Truth.

"Oh."

"…yeah," said Tucker.

"Actually, to be fair, there were a lot of ideas, but they were all too random and pointless," said Truth.

"What about the one with me trying to get my iPod back from you?"

"You don't own an iPod. You've never owned an iPod. It's 1914."

"_Still?_"

"End scene."

* * *

Ed awoke with a start.

"Huh, so that's what I'm like in canon." He got out of bed and put on some clothes. "It's a good thing I'm not like that now, otherwise nothing would be funny."

"Ed, are you finally up?" Pinako came into his room.

"Yeah," he put his shoes on. "Is Papa back from the store yet?"

"… I wouldn't hold my breath."

"Listen, Grandma Pinako…" Ed averted his eyes to the floor. "I have something that I want you to help me with."

* * *

Ed marched along the dirt path, Pinako trotting behind him. He had a shovel over his shoulder, while she carried a bucket and a towel.

It wasn't long before they reached their designated spot.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Edward?"

Ed trembled, but he was resolute in his decision. "Positive.

"All right, then, it's your call."

Ed took a deep breath, then plunged the shovel into the hardened earth.

* * *

"That is a mighty fine tree, Edward."

"Yes, I'm very pleased with it." Ed stepped back to admire the tree he had just planted.

"It'll be beautiful when it's fully grown."

"It sure will be."

"By the way, didn't you want to dig up Batman?"

"Why the hell would I want to do that?"

"To find out if your fictional character human transmutation actually worked, and if so to confirm that you created and killed Batman."

"Oh yeah."

**TWO VOMIT-FILLED RAINY HOURS LATER**

Ed rubbed the bridge of his nose, not quite remembering the last time he felt this irritated with someone.

"I'm sorry, Edward," said Pinako. "I guess I can't remember where I buried Batman."

Indeed, what lay on the towel was not Batman, but a rusty old bike.

"You didn't even bury this!_ I_ did!" he looked down at it with nostalgic longing. "This is the old bike I buried when I was eight after those bullies broke it."

"I thought this was _Al's_ bike and_ you_ broke it-"

"All right all right I broke it but it was_ mine_, dammit. Mom gave it to him and if I couldn't have it no one- look, you're missing the point. Where the hell is Batman?"

Pinako scratched her head. "I'm sure he's buried around here somewhere."

**LATER**

By the end of it, there were large holes in the ground within a two-mile radius from the burned-down Elric house.

On the towel now lay a rusty pot, an old boot, a tin box of baseball cards, a tire, Al's abandoned beehive project, a microwave, a boat engine, a left shoe, an antique lamp, a wedding ring, a broken coffee mug, a copy of Plato's _The Symposium_, a sofa, the first airplane, cat litter, a radio, a purple shirt, a still-edible Big Mac, a right shoe, a bathtub, a mannequin's arm, a thimble, some shoe laces, fine cheese, a broken television set, a stained mattress, a wooden spoon, an iPod, a tea kettle, a spatula, a blue police box with a corpse in it, disposable razors, fine Xingese china, a chipped milk bottle, a warped fishing pole, a dinosaur bone, some comic books, a record player, a coin collection, a table leg, deoxyribonucleic acid, a coat hanger, and the skeletal remains of Pinako's old pet cat, Frufru.

Pinako was just extracting a bag full of hardened fruitcakes from a new hole ("Trisha never ate any of them?") when Ed dropped the shovel, exhausted and very annoyed.

"Argh, we'll never find Batman's body!"

"Oh, was it _Batman_ you were looking for?"

"Asdfghjkl YES!" He nearly tore out his ponytail. "Where is he, Grandma Pinako? _Where is he?_"

"I cremated him."

"_You cremated him?_"

"Yes. Also I don't know why you keep calling him 'Batman.' It was only a bat."

"It was a _wha_t?"

"A bat. You made an inside-out bat."

Incredulous, Ed sat down and put his face in his hands. "All this time," he said, "we never even made Batman? How could you not tell us?"

"I forgot."

"Seriously?"

"In all honesty, I don't remember who you are right now."

Ed glanced at the sky, looking at the sunset but not quite seeing it. The sun shined a brilliant red light upon Risembool, raindrops still clinging to all the leaves and grass.

"Hey Grandma Pinako," breathed Ed. "I want to make a proper grave for it."

"For the bat?"

Ed looked offended. "No! For the bike."

"Okay."

* * *

"Hey." Yoki poked the girl, but there was no response as she laid on the ground. "Hey, girl, are you dead?"

"Mmmffrffmmfh," she replied.

"I guess not." He moved in closer for a better look at her face and was startled to see that it was none-other than his ex-girlfriend.

"… Candy?"

At the sound of her name, Candy sat up and rubbed her eyes.

"Yoki? Is that you?"

"What are you doing here, Candy? I thought you worked at the Playboy Mansion."

"I don't work there anymore."

"Why?"

"Oh, they kicked me out. It was my birthday." She suddenly burst into tears. "I turned twenty-five! That's twenty-six in bunny years!"

"There there," Yoki patted her back, wanting to keep his distance so as to not stir up old feelings. "What are you doing here in Central?"

She sniffled. "I'm looking for someone… someone by the name of Edward Elric."

Yoki cringed at that name. "_Him?_ Whatever do you want him for?"

"I heard he's looking for the Internet," she said. "And I also heard that the Internet holds the secret to looking up to fifty years younger."

Yoki scratched his balding head. "You're not even anywhere near fifty years old. What would that make you?"

"Oh, Yoki, it's my only shot. The Playboy Mansion is my life."

"Well you can't stay with me."

"Oh, thank you, Yoki, it means so much that you're letting me stay!"

She embraced him in a tight hug.

"I see that your selective hearing is as good as ever."

* * *

Meanwhile, Zit sat in a hooded cloak, waiting in some dark walkway near a river for that Monopoly dude. What's his name. Joliot Comanche.

Zit saw him walking alone. He then approached him from the shadows. "Are you the Monopoly dude?"

"I really wish people wouldn't call me that," he sighed.

"YOUR FACE ESPLODE!"

"Wha- AAHHHHHHHHH!"

Zit had always hated that game.

* * *

"Curtis Butcher Shop, you hit it with a car, we sell it to people. This is Izumi, how can I help you?"

"Hi Teacher, it's Ed."

"Hey Ed! Nice to hear from you."

Ed nervously paced the room with the phone, finally deciding to sit on Winry's old work desk. "Um… I wanted to ask you something… I might hurt you with this question, so… if you don't want to answer, please just hang up. I don't care if you break our bond as master and pupil- wait you already expelled us…"

"Just say it."

"Do you…"

"_What?_"

"Do you think you could give me and Al our degrees?"

"… Pardon?"

"It's just… you had taught us both for six months, and, well, Al and I have been waiting for years for our degrees to come in the mail and we're starting to think that-"

"Are you serious?"

"I know I know- you're probably wondering how I got into the military. The truth is I'm tired of Phototransmuting all my documents. I want to hold _real_ proof, right here in my hands, that I graduated-"

_Click._

"Hello?"

* * *

Standing in front of the new gravestone ("Here Lies Old Rusty"), Ed was deep in thought.

"Grandma Pinako," he said, "where do we come from?"

"I thought Winry had taught you-"

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, where do we _come from_? What does it all mean?"

Pinako thought about it for a moment. "Maybe we're failed transmutation attempts?"

"If we're failures, then what were we supposed to be?"

"Maybe we were all supposed to be individually different colors and religions, so that we wouldn't fight over our differences because there'd be too many of them."

Ed looked at her. "That's beautiful, Grandma Pinako."

"And if two of the same kind _were _born, one would have to be sacrificed," she continued.

Ed stared. "Anyway," he said, shaking the disturbing thought from his head, "I hope Papa comes back soon. I need to head back to Central already."

"Edward… why don't you just go? I'll tell him to meet you there."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Okay."

Pinako suddenly remembered something. "Oh, before I forget, Edward, your father gave me a note about the apocalypse."

"Oh, Papa. He was always talking about the apocalypse. It was his favorite subject."

"He said we should leave Amestris before something terrible happens. He seemed pretty serious about it."

"I'm not leaving anywhere. I don't want to learn new languages."

"Suit yourself."

* * *

Back at the inn, Winry was on the phone with her grandmother.

"Edward should be back soon. What are you doing in Central anyway, Winry? I thought you were working in Rush Valley?"

"I'm here on vacation, Granny. With Al."

"Shame on you, missing work."

"But I had to come! I had to see if Mr. Hughes was divorced yet!"

"Is he?"

"No. He's dead."

"Oh Winry, not again-"

"It wasn't me this time, I swear!"

It was at that moment that Winry spotted Ed walking into the inn with his luggage.

"EDDY!" she ran to hug him.

"Why are you still here?"

"I think Ling likes me."

"No one likes you. Where's Al?"

"In your room. What the hell happened to your hair?"

For Edward's hair, without its daily straightening- iron routine amidst the heat of the desert and the humidity of Risembool, had reverted to its natural state of Shirley Temple- esque curls.

"Er, nothing. It's a wig. Let's go upstairs."

* * *

There was a pause as Ed surveyed his brother at the entrance to their room. His eyes lingered for a while on Al's severed arm and missing shoulder pieces, before they settled on his mutilated face.

"Niisan," said Al. "I'm relieved to see you made it back."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Al."

"What?"

"You need to _pull yourself together_." Ed and Winry burst into laughter.

"…" said Al.

"Look, he's_ falling apart at the seams!"_ laughed Winry.

Al stared at them. "Do bad puns come here to die?"

"But seriously, Al, what in alchemy's name happened to you? And what are _they_ doing here?" He pointed at Ling and Lan Fan, who sat on the sofa eating lobster because it was the most expensive thing on the menu.

"I don't know why they're here. I never know why they're here."

"Has your father bequeathed onto you his lands and concubines?" asked Ling, looking up.

"Get out."

They left.

"Anyway, what happened while I was gone?"

As Al told him about Barry and STD, Ed examined Al's form closely to determine how he could fix him. "That STD chick really did a number on you… I think I'll use the surrounding metal for the parts that aren't here." He put his gloved hand under his chin, thinking. "Your armor's going to be thinner though… do you really need those spikes?"

"YES!"

"Okay okay jeez." He fixed his brother, shoulder spikes and all.

Al mentally sighed. "Oh Niisan, will I ever return to my normal body?"

"Actually, there is a chance, Al." He sat down on the couch and explained about the bat and how it proved that Al's body was still alive.

"… although how it worked wasn't really explained in the manga, I'm pretty sure I'm right."

"How do you know?"

"Winry, Al, I have a question for the two of you… you know that time… when we fought… about…which one would…like… marry Winry? You remember?"

Al and Winry looked at each other.

"Yeah I remember," said Al.

"Oh, you boys are always after me," said Winry, blushing and fluttering her eyes as her ego inflated.

"Winry," said Ed, "we were arguing because neither of us wanted to marry you."

Her expression soured.

"Anyway, Al, you were the one who told her. Do you remember what she said?"

"She said she would 'incinerate all the other girls in Risembool' so we wouldn't have choices."

"Is that true, Winry?"

"…yeah, it's true."

"Okay so that means your brain exists somewhere, Al, because of memories and stuff. Basically, the memory that I don't know… can't know. The fact that you have the memory before age ten means that the soul I stuck to you that day was really you. So then the memory after ten… what happens to your memory after you were ten years old? You don't have a brain, so where does the memory and experience has this body stored?"

"I thought that the very fact that I'm moving and thinking without a brain or muscles was proof enough."

"You're ruining my cool dialogue!"

"… I'm sorry."

"Anyway Al, your body is somewhere, still living, and the brain is still working."

"Well that's good."

"In alchemy, there are three things in humans; body, soul, and mind. I think that the 'mind' is the thing that connects the body and the soul."

"The body and the soul are attracted to each other… because it's connected by my mind!"

"Remember, Al! That day, when you reached with your hand… further than what I've seen…"

Al thought for a moment, then touched his head. "I kind of remember a Kanye West concert…"

Ed sighed. "Another dead end."

It was then that a knock on the door broke the conversation.

"Who could that be at this time of night?" asked Al.

"Well, the door is still intact, so it's not Mustang or the Major." He turned to the door and shouted "Come in!"

"Mr. Elric, sir," said the inn employee. "There is a phone call from you from a Mrs. Izumi Curtis."

* * *

"Hello? Teacher?"

"Ed?"

"What is it?"

"Listen, Ed, I was looking into your graduation," said Izumi, "and I found some interesting paperwork. Did you know that you are citizen of Dratchma?"

"… what?"

"Yeah. Apparently your mother gave birth to you in Dratchma, not Risembool. She was probably there on vacation or something."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying you're an illegal alien."

"…"

"If the military ever finds out-"

_Click._

"Hello?"

* * *

"Niisan?" asked Al when Ed came back from the receptionist's desk, "What did Teacher say?"

"Er, nothing special. She's still looking for those papers."

"Oh… good. Anyway thank you, Niisan. We didn't kill Batman. I'm so relieved."

"Me too."

"So what are we going to do now?"

"I don't know. Why don't we go to the fancy hotel across the street, Al? My treat."

"Sure, Niisan. Sounds nice."

"Great." He grabbed a notebook and some napkins off a nearby table. He then used them to Phototransmute more of Mustang's cards.

"So that answers that question," said Al.

"Al," said Ed, "apparently Mustang stole my straightening iron from the lockers downstairs while I was gone. I'm going to need to borrow your arm."

"Borrow my arm? Hey-!" Ed clapped his hands and transmuted Al's arm right off. He then made a straightening iron out of it.

"Seriously, Niisan?"

Ed ran to the bathroom with it so he could use the mirror.

"It'll just take me ten minutes, Al! Then we can go!"

"Argh."

* * *

"… and then he said 'And you seemed a lot fatter then, too,' which really hurt my feelings."

Breda wiped a tear and took another bite out of the tribble- with- mayonnaise sandwich he was eating.

"What about Dr. Marcoh?" asked Roy.

"What?"

"Where is Dr. Marcoh? You were telling me why he's not here with you?"

"Oh, right. He's gone."

Roy raised his eyebrows. "Gone where?"

"I 'unno," Breda shrugged, taking another bite. The tribble squealed in pain.

"It sounds like the work of that 'Spam' homunculus, sir," interjected Liza. "Dr. Marcoh has probably fallen into enemy hands."

Roy rubbed his stubbled chin, thinking. "It seems we're in a deadlock." He got up. "Let's go see Havoc and tell him the bad news."

* * *

They entered Havoc's hospital room as two people left it.

"Who were they?" asked Roy curiously.

"My mom," said Havoc, "and some guy from the retirement department."

"Havoc," said Roy, "I really don't understand how genital warts make you an invalid."

"Don't try to talk me out of it," he said, looking away from his Colonel's face. "I'm of no use to you in this state."

"… Right."

"Just throw me out!" shouted Havoc. "Leave me here!"

"Havoc if you want to quit the military just say it-"

"I don't need your sympathy! Let me be and go avenge Captain Hughes!"

"… Fine."

It was at that moment that Dr. Knox walked in.

"Oh, you're already here?" Dr. Knox put on a grim face and put a hand on the Colonel's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, but the treatments failed despite our strongest effort."

"He seems perfectly fine to me-"

"I'm afraid you're going to have to put him down." Roy looked at Dr. Knox like he'd lost his mind. Dr. Knox only tightened his grip on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Colonel. I'm sure you can buy a new one."

He left. Roy, Liza, Breda and Havoc, looked at each other, confused.

* * *

Bradley was playing mini-golf in his office when his assistant burst in. "Your Excellency! I have terrible news!"

"What is it, Philip?"

"We still have a huge Zit problem!"

"I already told you, use the cream, I don't mind that it smells funny-"

"I- What?- No, Your Excellency! Zit the killer! He's still alive! He's murdered three State Alchemists!"

"Oh. Why didn't you say so?"

"I- Well- Your Excellency-"

"Send out an order to all State Alchemists to warn them."

"Yes, Your Excellency!"

"And when you get back, bring your mouth guards. I'll need you to be my golf tee."

"… Yes, Your Excellency."

* * *

Some time later, Liza tended to Roy in the patients' lounge.

"What will you do now, sir?"

Roy sighed. He made up his mind.

"Get my uniform, Lieutenant."

"Sir? Your wounds aren't healed yet-"

"Havoc is right. I have to avenge Maes." He grimaced and held his side as pain shot through his wound.

"Sir, you shouldn't strain yourself in this cond-"

"It's an order! Go retrieve it!"

"…Yes, sir." Liza left to get it and when she returned, she found him lost in thought.

"Thank you, Lieutenant." He got up and stretched for a bit before taking his jacket. "We can't sit idly by while the enemy recuperates. I'm counting on you to watch my back."

"Of course, sir."

Roy had one arm through his jacket when he suddenly stopped, his eyes widened in horror.

"Oh my god," he said, realizing something.

"What is it, sir? Is something wrong?"

"It's Tom, Lieutenant! He's still locked in my car trunk!"

"S-Sir?"

"_How many days has it been?_"

* * *

Down the hallway, Major Armstrong was on his way to visit Havoc and Roy, another disgustingly affectionate card in one hand, and a copy of the movie _Monster in Law_ in the other.

"Are you back from your holiday, Major?" Sergeant Denny Brosh poked his head out from a nearby door.

"I AM. IT WAS MOST ENJOYABLE." Indeed, the Major was still wearing his Mickey hat.

"Listen, Major, I got this order from the top. We have to warn all the State Alchemists- Zit is still alive!"

"OH DEAR. I WILL INFORM COLONEL MUSTANG IMMEDIATELY. YOU MUST GO TELL THE ELRICS."

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

The holes that Ed and Pinako had dug up were later used for the movie _Holes_.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

Al braided Ed's straightened hair in his sleep that night, to make him look like a girl again.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART THREE**

Tom died.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I can't stop having visions of Liza shooting Colonel Mustang in the pelvis. Can I just... Wow... Can someone draw that for me?

**PS**- Seriously, why _are_ the women in tampon commercials so happy? They mock me.

**PPS**- Going a bit off topic here… A while ago, I sat down and read _Naruto_ up until around volume 46 (really need to finish it…)

Anyway, my feelings on it are mixed. On one hand, I think the plot and character motivations are kinda meh, and I felt that the mangaka had to keep making stuff up far beyond his expectations to keep the story going (causing me to lose my suspension of disbelief). On the other hand, I really like all the outfits and the epic battles and the Sasuke looking dramatically at things.

(I really have no right criticizing plot/character motivations/loss of suspension of disbelief when I myself grew up on Dragonball Z and Sailor Moon…heh…) My point is, I've started vaguely thinking of a crack parody for it. Mind you, it'll take way longer to write than "Fullmetal Lol," plus I'd probably skip over a lot of the fight scenes (as those are hard to parody). Also, I came up with an idea for Sakura that made me giggle profusely on an elevator full of strangers.

The first chapter is about, er, 17% done? Still needs tons of work…

So, how about it? Would anyone be interested in reading another Naruto parody in a sea of Naruto parodies? ^3^

**PPPS- **I bet you all googled jeankinis. I'm very sorry I've done this to you.


	31. The Girl Who Should be May

**Author's Note:** I notice that you all noticed that Ed spent the entire last chapter sober.

Yep, he's starting to focus more on his journey… Also I was worried that it was getting a little stale. Still, for those who love drunk!Ed, no need to worry, as he'll be drunk whenever I need him to be so.

:D

ALSO many thanks to my reviewers so far! Those last two reviews really pushed me to finish this chapter already ^_^

Enjoy~

* * *

**Chapter 25:** The Girl Who Should Be May But Is Not Because ARTISTIC LICENSE

"Niisan… Do you understand what this hotel is for?"

"For sleeping in. What else would it be for?"

The Elric brothers were once again to be found in a hotel lobby, having moved to a "fancy" hotel, as Ed had promised.

But it wasn't like any "fancy" hotel that Al had ever seen. The lobby was a horrendous pink color, with velvet walls and heart-shaped lamps floating from the ceiling. There was a pretty inappropriate fountain in the middle of it.

"I think this one of those 'love hotels' like they have in Japan," said Al, feeling highly uncomfortable as a shady man and a woman in a tight dress walked by them.

Ed looked at Al, frowning. "What's a 'Japan'?"

"Um… Actually I don't think I know, Niisan."

"Let's stay here anyway, Al, I heard the west wing has a great view of those mountains that look like boobs. Just try not to touch anything while we're in our room."

* * *

"Candy?"

Zit had returned from his latest killing spree to find the blond ex- Playgirl Bunny sitting on the ground near Yoki. On her lap sat one of the numerous chihuahuas he had come to despise. Her name was Yippy.

"Zit! It's been so long! Have you washed off the smell of your sewer escape yet?"

"Um, yes… the perfume you had given me really help- never mind that, what are you doing here?"

"Looking for someone," responded Candy. "Say, aren't those alkahestry tattoos?" She had just noticed his arm.

"You know what these are?"

"Sure!" She beamed. "I studied abroad at Xing University as an undergrad. 'Alkahestry 101' was a prerequisite for 'Java Programing.'"

"These tattoos were made by my brother." Zit thought for a moment. "I don't suppose you could help me with some research notes? My brother had studied alkahestry before he died. I need someone to translate those notes for me."

"I'd love too, Zit!"

"Thank you. Then you must come with me to the place I have hidden his notebook."

"Where's that?"

"I hid it in an abandoned shack hundreds of miles north of here."

"… Sweetie, you couldn't just rent a locker somewhere, could you?" she replied endearingly.

"Dialogue," said Yoki.

* * *

"What if it's rotting?"

"What?"

Al had been nursing this horrifying thought for the past ten minutes.

"What if what's rotting?" asked Ed. He looked up at Al from the bed he was lying in, alchemy book in hand. Winry was sitting next to Al and polishing his armor, as Ed had done a vaguely mediocre job of fixing his battle scars. Near her on the floor was a book called _Care of Vintage Metals Made Simple for the Delicate Female Mind!_ that was opened to a chapter on cleaning (_polishing your antique armor is much like washing the dishes- use your cloth and wipe it in smooth, circular motions. Make sure you don't miss any spots!_)

Neither of them seemed fazed by this eerie possibility.

"What are you talking about, Al?"

"I mean, my body- if it's still 'there'- hasn't absorbed any nutrients! So what if it's decaying?"

Ed thought for a moment. "When we performed fictional character transmutation, we used blood from the both of us, right? And then we were both separated from our bodies?"

"Yeah."

"So I think it's possible that our souls were somehow mixed."

"What?"

"You see, it's been three years and I'm still twelve years old-"

"You're not twelve, Ed, you're just shor-"

"I'M TWELVE."

"… okay…"

"As I was saying," the madness left Ed's voice as quickly as it had come, "Your soul on that side was mixed with mine on this side, so that means, um… I'm keeping you alive."

"I don't fully understand, Niisan."

Ed frowned. "Come to think of it, I don't really get it either. Let's look it up." Ed got up and took some piles of magazines from the shelf. He then transmuted them into a copy of _Fullmetal Alchemist Volume 11._

"Let's see…" He began flipping through it as Al and Winry stared.

"Niisan, I don't think we're allowed to look at the Sacred Documents-"

"Here we are, page one hundred and forty-three… blood, souls, other side… yes I mentioned all of those…" Ed looked closely at the pages before conceding defeat and shutting the graphic novel closed. "I guess it doesn't make sense. But that in itself should be good news. If it doesn't make any sense but was still allowed to happen, that means it's important to the plot, which therefore means your body is alive."

"Thank you, Niisan. Now it makes sense to me."

"You're my little parasite, Al."

"…thanks."

"But that means I have to be extra careful, of course."

"What do you mean?"

"See, if your empty body is connected by my living body in this world, then if I die, so will you."

Al was suddenly overcome with a horrendous shudder as the memories of all the times Ed had nearly died came rushing through his mind. The chasing after dangerous criminals, the deadly alchemic experiments, the times Al considered poisoning Ed or pushing him down the stairs and making it look like an accident, the unhygienic conditions of the bathrooms Ed was often hospitalized in because the Colonel had screwed up that insurance paperwork …

"And what happens to you if I die?" Al asked curiously.

"Oh, nothing, I'll be fine."

Life wasn't fair; Al had decided that a long time ago. What he realized now, however, was that Life is just an evil, twisted bastard who drives around in an expensive red sports car and talks on his cellphone during movie premiers.

"By the way, I don't appreciate how you guys left me behind at that other hotel," said Winry stiffly.

"What will it take for you to understand that we do not want you around?" asked Ed sincerely.

"Can you transmute a teddy bear for Ling out of some of my hair?" asked Winry, ignoring Ed's rhetorical question.

"I will if you go to your room for the rest of the night."

"Okay!" She left.

"Finally." Ed pulled out a bottle of vodka from his pillowcase and started drinking again.

"We need to talk about how we're going to open the gate again," he said. "We can only open it if we had some kind of fee…"

"You should sacrifice another limb," said Al.

"I'm trying to *hic* help you, Al!"

"So am I. You're doing fine so far with only two limbs, and my entire soul cost only one arm, so I just thought-"

"I'm not doing it."

"Fine."

Ed though for a moment. "If only we had the Internet…"

"But we can't, Niisan, it's made of people."

"Hey what if you sacrificed your soul? Do you really need it?"

"You want me to sacrifice my soul for my body?"

"Oh, right. That could be a snag." Ed grabbed his coat. "Let's take a walk, Al. I want to check out Laboratory 3 for myself. Maybe we'll find some clues."

* * *

"Well wasn't that a waste," Ed told his brother thirty minutes later as they walked down the dimly lit streets of downtown Central. "I couldn't find anything except for small signs of transmutations done on the wall where you said the door to the basement was!"

"That's a pretty blatant cover-up, Niisan. They were probably anticipating someone looking to investigate after the incident with that Homunculus."

"Yeah." They turned a corner. "And when I asked to go to the bathroom they did the same thing. Blank wall right next to the lady's room. Those jerks."

"Edward Elric!" shouted someone as he ran on the street towards him.

"Huh? Sargent Brosh, is that you?"

Denny Brosh stopped in front of them, placing his hands on his knees as he caught his breath. "Thank goodness I found you… You two must return to your lodgings immediately!"

"Why? What happened?"

Denny handed Ed the report. "It's Zit, he's still alive an active! He's out killing more State Alchemists!"

"Ah, him again?" Ed rolled his eyes. "I need more complications in my life like I need a beam violently impaled through my abdomen."

"Niisan, we shouldn't be out here at night. He probably still wants to kill us."

"Yeah yeah let's head back- hey Sargent Brosh, isn't that Maria Ross's old ascot?"

Sure enough, Denny was wearing Maria's faded pink ascot beneath the collar of his military uniform.

"Um… uh… no. No. It's my mom's."

"It says 'Property of Maria Ross' on the collar there, I see it-"

"No you don't! It's mine! YOU CAN'T TAKE IT FROM ME!"

He ran away.

* * *

After they had returned to the hotel, they discussed at length about the Internet and the Homunculi when Edward had an epiphany.

"Al, that's it! Sacrifices!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Those Homunculi- they said we were 'sacrifices,' right? They must know something about the Internet!"

"I'm sure they do, Niisan, but that doesn't help us at all."

"Yes it does! They have a clue, if not a whole answer!"

"What do you suggest we do?" Al scoffed. "Forcibly kidnap a Homunculus and ask him?"

"Al that's a great idea!"

"What? No-!"

Ed started pacing. "How do we get them to come out of hiding?"

"Niisan, this whole thing with Zit and the Homunculi is getting too big for us-"

"_Al you're a genius!_"

"What?"

"We'll get Zit to attack us! They don't want us to die because we're their 'sacrifices' or whatever, so they'll come out and rescue us-"

"There are half a million people living in this city, there's no way in hell they'd find us-"

Suddenly, their window burst open and Ling climbed in shouting "I think it's a great idea!" with Lan Fan tailing behind him.

The Elrics were no longer surprised at the odd entrances of the people in their lives.

"You do?" asked Al.

"Yes! And we want to help you!"

"We don't need your help!" said Ed.

"We're friends, aren't we? Also, did you forget my goal? I want to find out about the Internet, too!"

"We could use them, Niisan. They can sense the Homunculi."

"We sure can."

"…fine. What were you two doing eavesdropping outside our window, anyway?"

"We were going to wait until you fell asleep and then take all your things."

"You're a Prince!"

"Yes, but in Amestris I am also an illegal alien. Can we stay here tonight?"

"Absolutely not."

"Thank you, friend! Lan Fan and I humbly appreciate it!"

"It's true, Elric-san."

"Did you not hear me? I said no."

"Say, what kind of hotel is this anyway?" Ling allowed himself to walk around his newly self-designated sleeping quarters. "Why is there a mirror above this bed?"

It was then that Winry burst into the room.

"Ling," she said breathlessly. "I could smell him."

Ed shuddered. "My god, Winry is the creepiest freak ever."

"Lan Fan and I were just leaving," said Ling frantically. "Come, Lan Fan, let us return to that cozy garbage heap under the bridge-"

"_Stay with me!_"

"Oh god, Lan Fan, run-"

"My room is just like a janitor's closet-"

They jumped out the window. She ran back out the door to head for the stairs, hoping to chase Ling on foot.

Al turned to Ed. "Niisan, that's cruel… Putting Winry in the janitor's closet and telling her it's a room."

"Uh… No, Al, that's an actual room here. It's part of their 'secret fantasy' themes."

"…Ugh."

* * *

The next morning, the Elric brothers sat at a local café to discuss ways in which they could implement their poorly thought-out plan.

"We need to get Zit's attention somehow," stated Al.

"Let's see…" said Ed, stirring his decaf double-tall extra-foam skinny French vanilla latte, "How do I amass an enormous amount of attention in a short amount of time?"

Ed and Al looked at each other.

"Bank robbery," they both said at once.

* * *

Two hours later, having been tasered and beaten with police batons, Ed was sipping the same kind of drink at the same café, only he was a lot more disheveled and twitchy now. A few wisps of smoke rose from his hair here and there.

Al touched his arm, and with a _ZZZT_ sound, Ed jumped as the electrical shock ran through him because of the metal in Al's hand.

"Not funny!"

_ZZZT_

"Stop it, Al! I mean it!"

_ZZZT _

"Seriously-"

_ZZZT_

"Knock it-"

_ZZZT _

"Cut it-"_  
_

_ZZZT _

"Would you-"

___ZZZT __ZZZT_ _ZZZT _

"I'll transmute you! I swear!"

"But you can't touch me."

_ZZZT_

"AAAAHHHHRGH!"

* * *

Meanwhile at the Bradley mansion, young Selim was studying his homework when he couldn't help but hear the radio about the hilariously failed attempted bank robbery.

"I wonder why the Fullmetal Alchemist tried robbing a bank," he thought out loud.

"Back to work!" snapped his stern private tutor, a woman of forty-nine who had been in love once but then he left her for a man. "Don't make me use the hose again, young man!"

"Yes, Teacher."

_What exactly are you playing at, Fullmetal?_ he thought to himself evilly. _No matter. Whatever your plan is, it will be fruitless in the end. Your puny human abilities are futile before the awesome might of the Homunculi. Now… what the fuck does "PEMDAS" mean?_

* * *

It was some time later that a black car drove up to the Elrics.

"Cool, just like in the movies!" squealed Ed. "Are you here to tell us about the Matrix?" he asked as the window rolled down. "Oh, it's just you."

"Get in," said Colonel Mustang.

"My mom taught me I'm not supposed to get into the car with strangers."

Roy rolled his eyes. He wasn't in the mood to try arguing with Fullmetal. "I have a puppy."

"Sweet!"

* * *

"I can't believe you lied about the puppy."

"Be quiet."

Liza had driven Roy, Ed, and Al to an alleyway where they could talk in private.

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying, Fullmetal?"

"Yeah yeah, something about Dr. Marcoh being missing and blah."

"I think that his experiments in Ishbal, the Homunculi, and the Internet are all connected somehow. And now Zit's showed up and you're acting like a showboat. Do you want him to kill you?"

"It's all part of the plan."

"What plan?"

"To draw out a Homunculus so we can capture and interrogate him. Besides, I'm sure you've sorted the problems with your gloves, so you shouldn't be scared of Zit."

Roy had not sorted the problem with his gloves. In fact, when he had tried competing in the triathlon last month, he meant to put on his biker gloves but instead incinerated the entire biking path and three thousand dollars' worth of mountain bikes.

"I'm not scared of him!"

It was then that Liza sensed someone coming and readied her handgun.

Roy, Ed, and Al turned around to see none other than Zit walking towards them, hood pulled over his head and eyes filled with malice and intent.

"Yes!" said Ed, transmuting his arm to its weaponized state. "I finally have him where I want him!" He turned his head to tell the two adults not to interfere when he saw Roy running away, dragging a reluctant Lieutenant down the street with him.

"You coward!" shouted Ed as Zit sent a wave of energy to shatter the concrete ground beneath him.

"Niisan, watch it!" The two brothers clapped their hands and then transmuted spikes from the stone walls to launch at their attacker.

"Remember, Al! Keep him alive until a Homunculus shows up!"

"How long will that take?"

"I have no idea!"

"I hope Ling doesn't take too long to catch it!"

Meanwhile, above them;

"Lan Fan, what does that cloud look like to you?"

"Whatever it looks like to you, Young Master."

"I think it looks like a bowl of ramen."

"Then I think so as well."

"I command you to have an independent thought, Lan Fan."

"I am thinking independently now, Young Master."

"About what?"

"Independence."

Ling sighed.

* * *

"We need to divert the military away from Fullmetal," said Roy. "We don't want Zit killed before a Homunculus shows up."

Liza frowned at him. "It's more likely that Zit will be the one to kill Ed. Why did you run away?"

"So I could help him, of course."

"Tell me again why we broke into Sargent Fury's apartment? And how it helps the Elrics?"

"We can use his radio equipment to distract the military police. If Ed is successful with this plan, we could not only find out about the Internet, but we may be able to find out what being a 'human sacrifice' means, and what Maes was trying to tell me before he died."

Roy began flicking through the instruction manuals and fiddling with the buttons and knobs.

"How will you distract them, exactly?"

"Watch." Roy held his nose shut to change his voice, then radioed to Central Headquarters. "This is the 7th District! We have an emergency! Repeat, we have an emergency!"

"What's your emergency, 7th District?"

"We have a Code 259!"

The officer at the other end looked through his codebook, frowning.

"Are you sure, 7th District?"

"Positive! Please follow protocol! Repeat, follow protocol for Code 259!"

"What is it, petty officer?"

At the Headquarters radio room, a superior officer addressed the man in the radio.

"He says there's a Code 259 in the 7th District."

"What? The Fuhrer's wife is having an affair?"

"It appears so, sir."

The superior officer grabbed another radio and shouted into it. "All available officers! Head to the Bradley Mansion immediately! Code 259! All unavailable officers do the same!"

* * *

Meanwhile, at a nearby street, Fuhrer Bradley himself stepped out of his stately car, full of cold fury and determined to stamp out his Zit problem once and for all.

"I can smell him," said Fat-Ass, crawling out from a nearby alleyway where he'd been waiting. "The Ishbalan. Do I have to eat him?"

"Yes, Fat-Ass, please eat him so we can go home."

"I wish you'd let me live in the mansion with you and elder brother, Spoiler."

"There's nothing wrong with the dungeon below Central HQ. You have everything you need there."

"There are no toilets. Father never had them installed."

"He doesn't need them."

"But-"

"Shhh. Let's focus on finding our target."

Above them on the rooftops, Ling and Lan Fan sensed their presence. "They're here! Let's get him, Lan Fan!"

"Lan Fan!" shouted Lan Fan, following her master.

* * *

In his battle with Zit, Ed had a bad cut on his forehead and decided, not for the first time, that coming up with ideas while drunk was not the wisest thing to do.

"What are we going to do, Niisan?" shouted Al, evading another blast of concrete. "He'll kill us!"

Ed had a close call as Zit's hand nearly grazed his face. Behind them, some officers were waiting to shoot Zit as soon as they had a clear view of him.

"What was our plan B again, Al?"

"Plan B? _What Plan B?_"

"I don't know- don't we always have one?"

"It's a miracle we even had a Plan A!"

* * *

Elsewhere, Lan Fan delivered a would-be fatal kick to Fat-Ass's face, deterring him from taking a nasty bite from her leg. She rebounded and landed on a pole, waiting for him to regenerate and clumsily attack her again.

"We'll get you this time, Homunculus!" shouted Ling triumphantly, his sword slung over his shoulder.

Bradley looked up from where he was on the ground. "Hm, so those are the two who know about us." He drew out his chainsaws. "Any power that opposes us will be destroyed. No, annihilated. Any power that opposes us will be annihilated. Yes that has a much better ring to it. Actually no, that takes too long to say. Any power that opposes us will be destroyed." He stuck one of his chainsaws in the ground so he could lean on it and think. "That's not quite as dramatic though, is it? Annihilated. Destroyed. Annihilated. Destroyed. Exterminated?"

"F**king decide already!" shouted the author.

"Oh alright fine, I'll decide later."

He ran up the pole that Lan Fan was sitting on like some sort of mutant squirrel- man. In a flash of metal and blood, it was over and she fell.

"LAN FAN!"

"AAHHH!"

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Selim Bradley was traumatized for life when the soldiers burst into his mansion shouting "WHERE IS HE?" and shot everything in sight, as per protocol.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

Edward's setting eyes upon the Sacred Documents was not without consequence. Somewhere, Falman was struck by lightning. Twice. Because the universe is an indiscriminating dick like that.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I have a tumblr account now! (Under the same name)

I don't really post original material on there, but still it would do me an honor to gain a few followers from here :)

PS- I'm working on a side-fic called "Hogwight." It's a super-abridged version of _Harry Potter_ if it were written by Smeyer. First chapter is up. I'm not proud. Go read it anyway.


	32. More Stuff Happens

**Author's Note:** Ahhhh I'm so sorry for the late chapter! Again, life keeps happening.

WINNERS OF THE POLL for most amusing yet disturbing FMA crack pairing:

1) Winry/Nina-Alex  
2) I have too much dignity to vote on this poll  
3) Ed/Den

So in conclusion we either have dignity or vote for bestiality.

…

ONWARDS!

* * *

**Chapter 26:** More Stuff Happens

"Whoa, there!" The carriage driver gently reined his horses, which had been neighing and tossing their heads nervously. "You horses sure have been acting strange this morning. I hope you haven't been getting into Miriam's powdered batteries again." Miriam being his wife.

Inside the carriage, Hohenheim was showing a picture of his wife and sons to the other travelers.

"…and this one is my eldest, Edward," he was saying. "He's, er, a law student. At Harvard."

Hohenheim never felt particularly proud of Edward as he was.

"Oh, how nice," replied the middle-aged woman across from him, an arm around her own young daughter. "And what of the other one?" she pointed at the one-year-old Alphonse in the picture.

"That one? Oh, that's Alice," replied Hohenheim. "She's getting married to the local butcher's boy. He's a very handsome boy, he is."

Indeed, Hohenheim had had a perfect vision of what his family should have been like. And it was the version he was telling people.

"Alice looks lovely in blue, you know."

"How marvelous!" the woman beamed. "And what are you doing in your travels?"

"Oh, I am an artist!"

"An artist?"

"Yes. My dream is to one day create an epic piece that'll hold a mirror up to society and change the world." Hohenheim's heart swelled with hope. Pinako could laugh at his "mid-life crisis" all she wanted but he would prove her wrong this time.

"Ooh well doesn't that sound interesting! Who did you study under?"

"Psht. Art can't be _studied_."

Just then, gunshots they all heard gunshots nearby.

"Ahhh!" the driver tried calming his horses down, each of which attempted to escape in a different direction as the bandits surrounded the carriage on horses of their own.

He stuck the reins in his teeth to load and send a signal flare. It was then that one of the bandits shot him in the arm; another bandit jumped in the back as the carriage screeched to a halt.

"Nobody move!" he shouted as the passengers screamed.

"Please calm down," said Hohenheim. "No good will come from killing us."

"I'll start with you then."

And he fired, but then stopped.

In the distance, the police had seen the flare and the leader of the bandits grew impatient.

"Hurry up, the police probably saw the fla- what are you doing?" for he saw his comrade gaping wide-eyed with his mouth open in shock, staring into the back of the carriage as though looking at a ghost.

"Dammit Jim, we rehearsed this like twenty times in my dad's basement. What are you doing?"

"I- I shot him and he's still alive!"

"What?"

"He- I don't know how, but he turned my gun into a nerf gun!"

"What? Is this some kind of joke?"

Hohenheim stepped out, plucking the nerf bullets off his suit that got stuck there with the suction cups.

The bandit leader then shot Hohenheim in the face, only to see the foamy nerf bullets bounce off it. Except for one that got stuck to his glasses. It looked funny.

"Wha- what the hell? How did you do that?"

Hohenheim pointed a stick at them.

"I am a wizard. You should run before I turn you all inside out."

They jumped on their horses and bolted. Hohenheim threw away the stick he had randomly picked up and shrugged. Magic just sounded cooler than alchemy.

* * *

"Not bad," Bradley examined his broken chainsaw as Lan Fan lay panting in pain on another rooftop below him. "You used your kunai to deflect me. It won't help you now, though." He turned to Fat-Ass. "Finish the job!"

Fat-Ass jumped. Halfway through his jump to the rooftop, Ling experienced his utmost badass moment when he leapt after Fat-Ass and sliced both his hands and the top of his head off with one swift swipe of his weapon.

The author quickly checked the rating of the manga. "Yep, still 13+," she said to herself.

Ling landed by Lan Fan's side, praying she wasn't seriously injured. "Lan Fan! Wake up!"

"Young Master…"

He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, then turned to see Bradley right behind him.

"You think you can escape from me just like that?"

"Do not take me lightly!" shouted Ling defiantly. "I once escaped in the middle of my own grandmother's stories!"

And they fought, their weapons clashing at remarkable speeds.

_Impressive_, thought Bradley as Ling attacked his left side. _You noticed my eye patch and thus aim for my_ _blind spot._ Of course, this was something Bradley thought about all his opponents during one-on-one battles; he seemed to forget that most people are right-handed anyway.

"Please hang in there, Lan Fan," he whispered over his shoulder. _Ohhh Father Emperor is going to kill me if she dies! _he thought to himself._ He won't buy me another servant after what happened with the last one!_ The last one was attacked by his pet tiger after he had played a prank by spraying her with steak sauce. Ling was two at the time.

Out of nowhere, a newly-healed Fat-Ass punched Ling's side in his mid-jump, forcing him through the window of an abandoned building.

As Ling recomposed himself among the dust and glass shards, the two Homunculi leaped into the same window.

"Who are you?" demanded Bradley. "How is it that you can sense us?"

Ling's eyes darted to the door to his right.

"Still thinking of escape, are you?" Bradley took a step forward, his black boot crunching on the broken glass. "Perhaps if you dumped that luggage, you would be able to escape."

Ling dropped the briefcase he was holding; he had indeed meant it when he'd said he would take the Elrics' things once they had fallen asleep.

"…You should also drop the girl."

"Never!" Ling looked at Bradley's shoulders. "I can see by the insignia on your shoulder pads that you're the highest ranking person in this country... yet it is apparent that you are also the enemy. Tell me, leader, what is a king without his people?"

"Caring for others is weakness. Your sentiment towards the girl will be your downfall." Bradley made a move to attack, but just then Ling widened his eyes and pointed behind him.

"Oh my god is that a vampire behind you?"

"What? Where?" Bradley would not stand for feral animals in his kingdom.

And Ling made a mad dash for the door, throwing explosives behind him in an attempt to disorient the Homunculi. _Solve all your problems with explosions_, Ling remembered his father telling him as he jumped out another window and continued his escape on foot. _Then they'll go away._

* * *

"Winry," said an exasperated Gracia Hughes, her small daughter clinging to her hand. "What _are _you doing?"

There was Winry Rockbell in the graveyard where Maes was buried, hastily shoveling the ground.

"I have to make absolutely sure he's dead," she replied. "And I must ask him if it's alright if I pursue Ling Yao." She said it quite seriously.

Gracia would have been alarmed if she were actually digging Maes's grave, but for whatever reason, Winry was digging up the base of a stone bird fountain, the frantic birds flying around and chirping angrily. For lack of a better word, it made her look absolutely cuckoo.

Gracia shrugged and left her to it.

* * *

On went the never-ending fight between the Elrics and Zit.

"I'm worried about Ling, Niisan," said Al. "What if something happened to him?"

"Knowing him he probably just forgot what he was supposed to be doing and wandered to the nearest burger joint to stuff himself," said Ed, dodging a piece a large concrete that was sent his way.

"Hold still and accept your judgment already!" shouted Zit.

"Never!" Ed turned to Al. "Why don't we try stalling him?"

"Okay." Al faced Zit and pointed at him. "Zit! How can you kill alchemists while being an alchemist using alchemy?"

Even Ed made a double take at that statement. "… yeah, what he said."

"Arrogant fools!" shouted Zit from where he stood. "Do you not understand what you alchemists are doing?"

"Er, what?"

"When you create, you also destroy things! It's equivalent exchange, isn't it? How many tomatoes must die to create pizza? How much sand must be melted before a glass cup can be forged?"

"Yeah um nobody actually cares about those things."

"_How many hairs are cut for a new hairdo?_"

"Okay seriously, you need to rethink about your life and the direction you've taken."

"And now, you will stop fighting me and receive what is coming to you." He flexed his hand, preparing to deliver a final blow.

It was just then that Winry wandered into the crowd of onlookers. Her pants were covered in dirt and her face was badly scratched from the angry fountain birds.

"What are you guys doing? Is this where the dermatologist is? I need one bad."

Ed saw his opportunity and seized it.

"Winry!" he pointed at Zit. "This man wants to hurt Ling!"

"WHAT?"

Zit stared at her. "What? Who is this girl? What is a 'Ling'?"

"I WON'T LET YOU!" She grabbed a gun off a nearby knocked-out officer, the tears starting to run down her eyes as she aimed it at the man who would hurt her precious Prince.

Zit's face turned grave. "Shoot at me and you will become my enemy as wel- what is wrong with your mouth?"

Ed and Al slowly slipped away into the shadows of an alleyway as they heard the gurgling-hiss noise.

* * *

"I almost feel sorry for the guy," confessed Ed as he sipped another latte at the café from earlier.

Zit had run away in terror, Winry chasing him.

"Niisan, that was cruel. They're going to arrest Winry, you know."

"What? It bought us some time _and_ potentially got rid of her for the next 10-25 years. Two birds with one stone!"

"And what will we do if she eats him and we don't capture a Homunculus?"

"Oh, right. Let's go follow them and make sure she doesn't hurt him."

* * *

"…arrested a young girl for unlawful brandishing of a weapon…"

Roy was listening to the radio for any news about Zit.

"…and it appears the Fullmetal Alchemist is pursuing Zit… headed towards the train station… There was also a mysterious explosion downtown…"

Roy turned to his lieutenant. "Lieutenant Macawfeather," he said, "the Elrics are chasing Zit to the train station in the 3rd district. Do you think you can back them up?"

"Yes, sir." She picked up Fuery's spare pair of glasses to use in her disguise. "Don't even think about going out into the field, sir," she added. "Your injuries haven't properly healed yet, so stay put for now."

"Psht I'm not going out there. Anyway meet me here later." He handed her a map he drew on the back of one of Fuery's irreplaceable antique photographs that he so loved to collect. "It's an abandoned shack so no one will bother us there."

"Surely you don't mean the Shrieking Shack?"

"Oh no no no, that place is haunted. This place is like two doors down."

"Alright."

"Make absolutely sure you are not followed."

"Yes, sir."

"And _please_ try not to stop at the mall on the way," added Roy. "I know how you ladies get but this is very important, okay?"

Liza's forehead vein twitched. "I'll try to resist," she said finally, deciding that catching the Homunculus was more important than sending Roy back to the hospital with fresh wounds.

"And try not to get your hair done on the way either!"

As she walked out, she knocked down a nearby potted floor plant with her foot. Roy's stomach gave an uncomfortable twinge; as he scrambled to lift it back up and scoop up the dirt in his hands, he heard more on the radio;

"…word from the 7th district is that Code 259 was false… no lover of Mrs. Bradley was found… believed to be a prank…we have arrested a Warrant Officer Vato Falman… anonymous tip says he called in the false code… interrogation… his mother is at the courthouse now… furious with him… still can't find Mittens…"

* * *

Fat-Ass was closing in on the Xingese prince and his servant as he bounded across rooftops, despite his immense weight and the discomfort of his leotard. Bradley ran after his brother, panting and wondering how the hell he got so out of shape.

"Fat-Ass," said Bradley, hearing a commotion happening in another part of town, "you know what? Go take care of Zit. I'll handle them."

"Ooh why can't Spam help us?"

"You know full-well he was arrested for streaking at the Central City bus station again. Come on, go."

"Okay, brother." Fat-Ass turned back and Bradley sped up. It would not be long now.

_I know I'm being led into a trap,_ thought Ling. _They're leading me through empty alleyways. I've got to think of something fast._

"Master…" breathed Lan Fan near Ling's ear.

"What is it, Lan Fan?"

"My left arm… I cannot feel it anymore."

"What of it?"

"If you were to also fall because of me, there will be no heir to the throne… save for your numerous half- brothers and half- sisters..." she added as an afterthought. "Nonetheless, I will have failed my mission." Ling said nothing as he turned another corner, his shoulder aching terribly from the weight of carrying her. "For the sake of our people, you must return safely!"

"I won't leave you behind!"

"You _must_ leave me, Young Master! My arm is useless, let me die so that you may live!"

"No! Cut it out!"

"… As you wish."

* * *

Zit had managed to escape Winry and the horrible creature inside her esophagus, thanks to her arrest.

But still he could not shake off the brothers.

"How could you believe in alchemy," said Zit as he did hand-to-hand combat with Al at the train station, "being stuck in such a miserable state?"

Al had half a mind to join him.

"Don't listen to him, Al!" shouted Ed. "Alchemy is your friend! Remember when I turned you into a go-cart that time?"

"That was only fun for you! You're not helping your case!" Al was still miffed that he was the one who had to pay the DUI ticket.

Just as Ed delivered another one of his signature face-kicks to Zit, Fat-Ass seemed to jump out of nowhere. "I found you!"

"Urgh, finally!" Ed looked around him as Fat-Ass tried biting Zit. "Now where the hell is Ling?"

As if to answer his question, Ling blasted out of a manhole, doing a cool shirtless backflip with his sword in his mouth and a grenade in his hand.

He landed squarely on Fat-Ass's shoulders. "Get down!" Ling shouted to the others as shoved the grenade down Fat-Ass's throat. He leapt off and they all ran for cover and shielded their heads.

But nothing happened.

"Huh? What the…" Ling checked his pockets and pouch for the grenades he had taken from Lan Fan earlier. "Ah goddammit," he said as he pulled out a lilac candle. "Lan Fan mixed the explosives with the scented candles again. I don't even know why I insist on having them on us in our travels."

He finally pulled out an actual grenade and threw it at Fat-Ass, blowing him up.

Blood and entrails splattered everywhere, and his lower jaw and left arm landed on the ground near Ed and Al. Before they could scream in disgust, Fat-Ass's parts disintegrated; they all watched in mingled revulsion and fascination as the lower half of him rebuilt itself slowly from the horrific injury.

The scene was beyond anything Al could handle. "Niisan, I thought you said our insides were made of jelly and spaghetti!"

"For crap's sake, Al, you're not eleven anymore!"

"DID YOU LIE ABOUT PUBERTY TOO? BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A MYTH TO ME-"

"Not now, Al!"

"Edward!" shouted Ling. "I need a metal wire!"

"Right!"

Ed ran to the nearby train tracks and made wires out of the steel; Ling proceeded to wrap them around the still-healing form of Fat-Ass, binding him as the flesh healed around it.

Ling grinned in triumph.

"I've got you, Homunculus!"

* * *

Bradley brusquely followed the blood droplets on the ground, confident that he had the Xingese warriors trapped at last. He turned at a corner, weapon drawn, and then felt completely taken aback at what met his eye.

A blood-soaked dog, apparently stray, with Lan Fan's severed arm tied to it.

In his old age, he was more enraged at the dog than the fact that his prey had escaped.

"_Whose dog is this?_" Leash laws were in place for a reason. That was something Bradley had always believed of utmost importance.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Edward neglected to fix the train track he had ruined to make those binding wires. This led to the derailment of a large train later that day. A train full of puppies. Orphaned puppies.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

Winry was later escorted back to the hotel. She was to attend a hearing in the morning about threatening to use a gun in public, but managed to bail out of her holding cell for now by using Mustang's card.

She was so distraught about the possibility of her Xingese prince getting hurt that she did not realize she had wandered into the actual janitor's broom closet instead of her themed room. Within a couple hours she had sniffed half the chemicals in the closet.

In a desperate attempt to escape suffocation and toxins, Winry's second head detached itself from her throat and crawled away under the door on a makeshift body of exposed spinal cord and flesh.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART THREE**

When there was a knock at the front door, the Smiths prayed that someone had finally found their beloved family pet. But before they got to the door, their kids ran to it and opened it first.

"Sparky! SPARKY! They found yo- AHHHHHHHHHH!"

The Central officers had not bothered to clean Sparky up. Or even to remove the severed arm. The Smiths were still fined for letting him out without a collar.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I don't know which epilogue makes me more uncomfortable with myself.


	33. The Capture

**Author's Note:** I-HAVE-START-ED-WATCH-ING-DOCTOR-WHO-AND-AM-NOW-TA LK-ING-LIKE-THIS-I-CAN-NOT-SEEM-TO-STOP-SEND-HEEEE ELP

* * *

**Chapter 27: The Capture**

All the while below the streets, Lan Fan struggled her way through the dark, moist sewers. She clutched her bleeding stump, which was wrapped in the Young Master's jacket.

"It was fortunate… we have outwitted those monsters…"

She turned a corner, the triumphant smile still fresh on her face when she stopped and laid eyes upon the biggest sewer alligator she had ever seen in her life.

"I shall be very upset if I lose another limb today," she commented.

But she needn't worry about that because the alligator was large enough to swallow her whole.

* * *

"We caught it!" Ed shouted in triumph, ignoring Al's struggles with Zit behind him. "We caught a Homunculus!"

"As promised," smiled Ling. "Now you'll hold up your end of the bargain, yes? Papers to stay in the country?"

"Papers for whatnow?"

"Niisan! A little help?"

Ed turned around. "Oh right, Zit… I didn't think we'd get this far into our plan." He scratched his head. "Ling do you think you can-"

"Not until I see some papers!"

It was just then they heard the tire screech of a swerving car. The car swung to halt in front of them, and the blond bespectacled driver pulled out a gun and shot in Zit's direction, hitting him in the leg.

"Women drivers, I swear," said Ed.

"Get in!" she shouted at Ling.

Having had a privileged childhood in which no one taught him about entering cars with strangers, Ling threw Fat-Ass in the back seat and hopped in.

"Wait a second…" The Elrics narrowed their eyes at her.

"Lieutenant, is that you?" asked Al.

"Shhh!" Liza drove off as some soldiers showed up in all the commotion.

"Oh no, Niisan, Zit got away!"

Ed shrugged. "Whatever. He's not our problem anymore."

* * *

As the wind blew through her hair in Fuery's convertible car (which she had "borrowed,") Liza couldn't help but notice how the glasses she wore made her look like a teacher. A kindergarten teacher. She sighed.

"If I may ask, where are we going?" asked her passenger, shaking her from her daydream of living in a house with a white picket fence, large dog, and black-haired husband who worked as an accountant.

"I've heard about you from Lieutenant Breda, Ling Yao," she replied, "and how you helped us with Maria Ross. I'm bringing you to a secret hideout."

"Wait, we have to pick up a comrade!"

"What? We don't have time for that!"

"Please, she's been gravely injured, she's waiting for me!"

"… Alright, where is she?"

* * *

"We can't go down that way either, Boss," said Yoki, peering around the alleyway wall. "It's crawling with the Central City military police. It's like the whole town is searching for you."

"This is bad," said Zit, "I can't go far with this leg."

"I can help!" piped up Candy. "I learned how to heal wounds in my studies at the Xingese University."

"What?"

"Hold still." And she healed his leg with alkahestry.

"Wait a minute," Zit stared at her. "If you can heal me so easily, why didn't you do it when you found me injured in the sewer that time?"

"Honestly, I forgot."

"You forgot?"

"Oh yes, I am very forgetful! Why, I'd forget Yippy if I didn't have her on this leash!" Candy held up a leash and then saw that the other end was loose. "Oh shucks, not again!" It was unfortunate that Candy did not know how to work the clasp on that thing.

* * *

"She wasn't at Taco Bell," said Liza furiously, as Ling stuffed himself with takeout burritos and tacos in the backseat of the car.

"I waff sure she'd be dere," he said, food in his mouth.

"Seriously, where is she, Mr. Yao?"

He swallowed. "You know what? I remember now. She's at the Wendy's."

"Alright. Which one?"

"I dunno... let us just go to the nearest one."

Liza thought her vein would pop. This person was somehow more annoying than the Colonel.

* * *

In the back seat of a black car, courtesy of the military, Ed and Al sat staring at the odd creature in Al's armored hands.

"What is that?" asked Ed, leaning over to get a better look.

"I don't know," said Al, "I found it just now."

Yippy looked up at them with big, round eyes, her large ears perked up in alertness. She was shivering in fear. Or maybe she was just shivering, because, you know, she was a Chihuahua.

"It sure is weird-looking," commented Ed.

"Yeah."

Yippy whimpered.

Ed retreated to his position near the window. "Throw it out the window, Al, we don't need it."

"Okay."

Al attempted to toss the small creature out the window but it clung to Al's hand with needle-sharp teeth and determination, whimpering in horror.

"Hey let go!"

"You're so useless, Al!"

"It's not my fault it-"

"I'm not fixing the holes it's making in your hand!"

"We have arrived, Mr. Elric and Mr. Elric," said the driver, a man who had quit law school to be in the military yet was designated as a chauffeur for State Alchemists because the Führer "didn't like his face."

"Thank you," said Al, stuffing the strange rat-like creature in his belly and deciding to deal with it later.

Ed and Al walked up the steps of Central HQ, where another officer was waiting.

"This way," he said, escorting them through the building.

* * *

"She wasn't at that Wendy's either," Liza said with gritted teeth as Ling swallowed a chicken wrap whole. They had tried three different Wendy's's so far and her patience was running thin.

"Okay I think we should try the Wendy's near that bakery two streets down that way-"

"I swear, Mr. Yao, I'm beginning to think you have no idea where she-"

"Wait! You know what? Let's try another Taco Bell. I have a good feeling."

Liza closed her eyes and imagined herself on an island in the middle of a calm, blue ocean. Almost at once, she felt better about everything. She really needed to do this more often.

... Just not while driving.

* * *

"Huh?"

Ed and Al walked into a room with an unmarked door to see the Führer sitting with Winry at a table.

"What's going on?"

"Oh, young Ms. Rockbell here and I were just talking, that is all," said King Bradley, smiling. "She was in a bit of trouble today!"

"How was I supposed the thing was loaded?" slurred Winry, high off of… of… I don't know anymore.

"Oh, it's quite alright," said Bradley, smiling more widely, "though the soldier who had so recklessly allowed his gun to be taken in the first place will be mercilessly flogged."

He got up from his chair. "Well I must be off to continue my office mini-golf tournament. Take care now." He left, passing Ed and Al a significant look as he did so.

Ed looked at Winry. "What were you two talking about?"

"Oh I don't know, lots of things… my childhood… automail… hostages… you know, government stuff."

"Nothing important then, let's go."

"Niisan, did she say something about hostag-"

"LINE BREAK!"

* * *

"But I don't want to go back to Rush Valley!" whined Winry as she was escorted through the train station. "It's hot and windy and the Sand People are always trying to impregnate me with cactus spores-"

"How long are you planning on staying with us then?" asked Ed.

"As long as I need to!" She firmly stood her ground. "I'm still not married to Ling Yao!"

The Elrics looked at each other, nodded, and then looked back at her. Fifteen minutes later, Winry Rockbell found herself strapped to the top of a train heading towards Rush Valley.

* * *

Upon returning to the hotel, the Elrics were picked up by Roy Mustang.

"Why are there guards everywhere?" Ed asked as they pulled out of the hotel parking lot.

"Because Zit escaped again and they're guarding all the State Alchemists," replied the Colonel.

"I see."

"We have that thing you caught at a secret location," said the Colonel as he winded through some complicated routes with his car, ensuring they were not followed. "I can't believe you two actually executed a plan so well."

"I'm just as surprised as you are," replied Ed.

"I'm sure you are."

"Are you taking us to that location now?"

"Yes."

"But I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Why didn't you go before we left?"

"I didn't have to go then!"

"Urgh."

* * *

Dusk approached. Roy walked to the house marked "Knox residence" with some hesitation. Useless as he was, Dr. Knox would be discreet about the Xingese girl's injuries.

"You know I only work on corpses," said Dr. Knox seriously a few minutes later, Ed rushing past him to use the bathroom as the doctor had the front door open. "I'd suggest finding a real doctor at a hospital."

"But we can't risk revealing her identity."

Dr. Knox sighed. "Fine… wait here, I'll go get my tools." He went back inside, leaving Roy to wait. Roy turned to stare at the setting sun, wondering what would happen next and if catching that Homunculus would prove advantageous.

Dr. Knox exited his house a few seconds after a relieved Ed returned to the car. As he was locking his front door, Roy asked, "Are you sure you're okay with this? I know you have a family."

"It's perfectly fine. I divorced after the war anyway."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's quite alright."

"Um… Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't tell me that's a tool box."

"What?"

"That's an actual tool box. Where's your medical equipment?"

"Medical equipment? For what?"

Roy wanted to strangle him.

* * *

At the shack, Lan Fan lay bleeding before the doctor, gasping for air and in unimaginable pain.

(It had transpired that she _was_ at the first Wendy's after all. They just had not seen her sneak into the back of the convertible, stuffing her face with Jr. bacon cheeseburgers and sporting an oddly new and blood-spattered pair of alligator-skin boots.)

Liza was trying to stem the nonstop flow of blood with some sheets she'd found lying around; half the bed was now bloodied. Dr. Knox sat down by Lan Fan's side.

"Now, where does it hurt?"

Everyone stared at him. Even Lan Fan stopped in her gasping to stare at him.

"Oh, right, Mustang had told me." He opened his bag of medical equipment.

"By the way, Lieutenant, what happened to Sergeant Fuery's car?" asked Roy, referring to the battered husk of a car parked at the front of the shack.

"I, uh... um... It ran out of gas, sir."

"Oh."

"Everyone please leave so I can concentrate on the girl's procedure." The others left as Knox slid on his hygienic surgical gloves.

He then injected Lan Fan with the anesthetic, and she began to feel a wonderful relief wash over her, the pain quickly ebbing away.

As she slowly closed her eyes to slip into a dreamless slumber, she looked above her to see the doctor holding two of what look like small, clear water balloons.

"So how big did you want them again?"

* * *

"It's all my fault," Ling was telling the Elric brothers outside her room. "I should have remembered how she takes things so literally."

"I'm so sorry about her," said Al.

"It's just like the time I told her 'you can't put all your eggs in one basket' and she started buying more egg baskets at the market."

"I… see."

"Or when I said I 'let the cat out of the bag' and she thought I kept my cats in bags."

"…"

"Or when I said 'I need this like I need a hole in my head' and she-"

"Look," said Ed, "it won't be in vain. This way, we'll uncover the truth _and_ find a way to use the Internet!"

"But you said you would not let me have the Internet."

"You can _look_ at it. But you can't touch it."

"I am not entirely certain I desire your friendship any longer."

* * *

A few hours later the surgery was over, with Lan Fan out of the woods for the time being.

"How are you feeling, Lan Fan?" asked Ling gently.

"Lan… Fan…" she said weakly, oddly numb from the sedatives.

"She will need an automail engineer," stated Ling to the brothers. "I don't suppose you could direct us to someone?"

"I know someone-"

"Niisan, no-"

"Shh quiet, Al!" Ed smirked evilly; he would have revenge on Lan Fan for when she tore off his automail arm in Rush Valley that one time.

"Liza," said Roy, "the grownups have to talk. Why don't you stand guard outside?" Liza frowned at him. " In fact, if you want you may take a nice solitary stroll around the shack to get in touch with your feminine nature. How does that sound?"

Liza gave his earnest smile a look of utmost hatred before she left.

Roy turned to look at the others and frowned.

"I don't understand why she's so mad at me all the time."

"She must be on her apostrophe," said Dr. Knox.

"Her what?"

"You know, apostrophe. Don't they teach this in high school?"

"What? Are you- _are you talking about the period?_"

"No I'm not talking about grammar. You see Roy, every weekend each woman's body experiences a natural change in which-"

"Stop. Just, stop. You didn't even get the time right." The Erics just stared at this exchange, not sure where the connection between grammar and female bodies lay.

"Speaking of apostrophes, how is your fetus doing?"

"WELL now that we have the matter with Lan Fan settled," stated Roy loudly, choosing to ignore the offending doctor, "what shall we do about the monster we caught?"

* * *

They all walked across the torch-lit wooden hallway to stand at the doorway of the room where Fat-Ass was kept. He squirmed and wriggled as the wires cut deep into his flesh.

"What is that?" asked Dr. Knox.

"A Homunculus," replied Roy. "A man-made creature that runs on the power of the Internet."

"I see. Where did it come from?"

"We have reason to believe the higher-ups are involved in its creation." Roy recalled painfully how Maes died for this information. "I can't wait to tell the Führer. Then maybe he'll promote me to Führer."

"Oh, about that," said Ling, "I should probably mention that that Bradley guy is probably a Homunculus."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yes, he chased us with the fat one and injured Lan Fan."

"That's crazy, wouldn't his family notice?" asked Ed.

"And he has a son," said Al. "Our books said that Homunculi can't reproduce."

"Selim was adopted," said Roy darkly. "Otherwise it would explain why he spun his head 360 degrees around and projectile vomited on Santa's lap at the Central HQ Christmas Ball last year." Clearly that was unrelated.

As they stood there, trying to pull the vague pieces together into a clear picture, something was happening to Fat-Ass. His stomach rippled and groaned with emptiness; it had been well over two hours since his last salad, and the whiff of the three-day-old hospital sandwich in Roy's pocket proved too much for him.

"Sand… WICH!"

The crew awoke from their deep thoughts to observe the horrific transformation before them. Fat-Ass managed to start breaking free of the binding wires. His mouth was stretched wide open, like a snake unhinging its jaw. And it kept stretching. And stretching. Soon it stretched down his abdomen and opened wide as a person, a slit lined with what were either his ribs or a set of huge, sharp teeth, revealing not innards but a single violet eye at the center.

"SANDWICH!" the gaping body-mouth roared.

Behind them all, Dr. Knox was frantically flipping through an anatomy book because he could not remember whether this was a normal reaction to hunger.

It was not.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

At the love hotel, an angry customer demanded a refund after a mysterious "demonic head" made its way out of his room's toilet and frightened his lover. Said demonic head proceeded to elude and terrify the hotel staff for the rest of the week. The hotel lost many a customer over the rumor that the demon head was a "sentient STD."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I cannot emphasize to you how much I've wanted and waited to use the phrase "sentient STD" in a piece of writing where it made sense.


	34. Belly of the Beast

**Author's Note:** Heeeeeey guys *shifts guiltily*

I dearly apologize for the ridiculously late chapter (and for not responding to some reviews like I normally do)… I just started a new full-time job, and a work-out routine, plus I recently got over a weird phase in which I played Resident Evil 4 all day… and now I'm scared of the sound of chainsaws… aaaand I keep playing it so no I lied I'm still in that phase.

*ahem*

ANYWAY

I also spent time last month applying to a script-writing job, as well as working on several other projects for myself… It's ironic that I applied to a writing job when I can't even adhere to my own personal deadlines regarding Fullmetal Lol.

…

ONWARDS.

* * *

**Chapter 28: Belly of the Beast**

Outside the shack, the pulsating sound of crickets seemed to pound against the tranquil quietness of the forest air. It was unnerving to Lieutenant Hawkeye, who did not enjoy going very long without shooting anything.

She was considering going back inside to find some disposable cups, empty bottles, and photos of the Colonel to use as target practice when the stillness of the air was disrupted by a horrific blasting sound, accompanied by a blinding flare of white-hot light that almost knocked her backwards from its energy.

When her eyes adjusted after the light, she could see that the flash of light had disintegrated every atom in its wake, leaving a perfectly carved partial-circle shape on the side of the shack, as well as a scooped-out valley in the dirt that extended thirty or so meters into the forest.

Liza could barely register what had just happened as she stared at the enormous missing piece of the shack coupled with the missing dirt. The perfect circle formed by the absent materials was unreal, otherworldly. She walked up to the side of the shack where the wall was missing, and she lightly brushed the wood with her fingertips. It was smooth.

* * *

"_Well you messed up_."

Bradley walked along the quiet, covered path along his mansion. He could not see his elder sibling in the dark shadows cast by the lamps, but he could certainly hear the chastising voice.

"_You let that annoying alchemist-killer get away, and you let Fat-Ass get kidnapped by a bunch of inferior humans._"

"Why don't you ever come and help?" Bradley asked irritably. "You're always bragging about how you're the strongest one of all of us."

"_I could not_." The voice hesitated. "_I was serving detention._"

"For what?"

"_For devouring my teacher after she gave me a red sticker on my spelling test._"

"Hm, English classes were never your strongest suit."

"_Shut up._"

"I for one am glad the humans are challenging us. I was getting bored."

"_Yes you do get bored easily. You could never enjoy a book or a movie without already knowing what happens._"

"True. I would give my soul just to be able to watch _Tangled_ and not know those were hair extensions the whole time."

"_I see._"

"From the moment I was born, I knew I'd be president. My life was set before me without obstacles, of that Father made sure. Destination without a journey… That has been my life. But all this conflict and inconvenience that these humans are bringing is turning this into a very exciting story for me indeed." He adjusted his collar a bit. "This opens up a world of possibility for me… perhaps I can divorce my wife, move to America, and marry Scarlett Johansson."

"_Spoiler… Do I die in the end?_"

"That is the one thing I will not spoil for you."

"_Tell meeeeeee!_"

"No."

"_Then I won't tell you where Fat-Ass is!_"

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Bradley started walking away. "I already know where he is. I shall send Spam to fetch him."

The shadows pouted.

* * *

"… Colonel? Sir?" called Liza. She still wasn't sure what to make of the odd phenomenon that had just happened.

"Stay back!"

_BOOM_

A second blast of the same nature missed her by inches as she was thrown back; her shotgun, however, received the same peculiar circular cut as the side of the shack had. And so did the side of Fuery's already battered car.

Pieces of the shack collapsed; Roy, Ling, Dr. Knox, and the Elric brothers all pulled themselves out of the tangle of wood and glass in time to see Fat-Ass preparing for another assault.

Ling ran to Lan Fan; everyone scrambled as Fat-Ass blasted his terrible force again, the un-split part of his face livid as he made more matter disintegrate.

Ed turned to the Colonel. "This is all your fault!"

"What?"

"He wants the sandwich in your pocket!"

"He can't have it! It's MY sandwich! I got stabbed, I deserve it!"

"SANDWICH!"

"I guess we have no choice." Roy pulled on his ignition-cloth glove. "I will destroy it."

"But we only just caught it!" exclaimed Al, reliving a forgotten memory of how he had once caught a lovely green snake in the forest and Ed used it as a tourniquet that one time.

"It's after me!" exclaimed Roy. "And I am extremely valuable. We can't let it live!" With a snap, he sent an especially powerful wave of majestic, deadly flames towards Fat-Ass. A few blasts of these would surely kill the Homunculus, as had happened with STD… or so Roy thought.

In a great gulp, Fat-Ass swallowed the flames like… like the fat-ass that he was.

"What's your plan now, genius?" Ed scoffed, his mind racing with how such a creature could be created through alchemy.

"Colonel?" Al looked around for him.

Colonel Mustang took off into the woods.

"YOU COWARD!" Ed and Al ran as fast as they could away from another of the laser-like shots of energy that discharged from Fat-Ass's gaping mouth-hole-thing.

"I knew this would happen!" said Al as the trees whizzed passed them. "Your plans always end up in disaster one way or another!"

"Oh really, Al?" shouted Ed as he leaped over a fallen tree. "You knew this would happen? You _knew_ that Homunculus would split down the center and fire laser beams out of the middle of its freaking ribs?"

"Oh like you knew how to perform human transmutation!"

"THAT IS LOW, AL! THAT IS LOW!"

A few meters to their left, Fat-Ass was catching up to Roy.

"Join the army, they said," panted Roy under his breath. "It will be fun, they said."

Skewered by one Homunculus, about to be roasted by another, Roy was really starting to regret his life choices and not following through on his male modeling career. _If only the Major hadn't kept stealing my body oil all the time._

He heard something to his right, and to his horror, saw Fat-Ass bounding up to him.

"_SANDWICH!_"

Roy made to move faster, but his still-healing injury throbbed in pain and he could barely keep running.

"Crap…!"

As if she Apparated out of nowhere, Liza came out of some bushes and shot Fat-Ass like a fucking ninja before receding back into the leaves.

_Note to self,_ thought Roy, _give Liza a raise._ Then he thought, _but not from my own salary. From Falman's._

* * *

Meanwhile, Dr. Knox sat behind the wheel of Mustang's car, ready to escape the monstrous Fat-Ass.

"We should get out of here," said Ling as he put Lan Fan in the back seat. "She needs more treatment!"

"Wait I don't have my license," stated Dr. Knox.

"Medical or drivers?"

"Both."

They saw the others emerging from the woods, Liza with Roy's arm over her shoulder as she led him to the car.

"Thank god you left that dummy sandwich," said Al to Ed as he helped Liza stuff the Colonel in the back seat.

"Yeah, I hope it fools him."

The scream in the distance told them it didn't.

"We'd better hurry up," said Ling as he, Ed, and Al looked back at the forest with apprehension. "It will not be long before that creature returns here." He turned to see the doctor staring intently at him and frowning. "What? What is it?"

"You…" said Dr. Knox, "you have pica."

"Dammit, Doctor!" shouted Roy from the backseat as Liza slid inside next to him. "This is no time to properly diagnose people!"

"That thing is coming," said Ed as he witnessed another flash light up the mountains in the distance. "What do we do if-"

He turned his head only to receive a face-full of dirt as the car swung around and screeched away at top speed.

"HEY!" Ed, Ling, and Al looked on in disbelief, the car speeding off through the dusty road.

"WHAT THE HELL, MAN?" shouted Ed.

"Here take this!" Liza threw her handgun out the window just before the car veered out of sight.

"Great. Just great."

* * *

Marcoh sat in his cell, brooding and wondering what horrors were in store for him. The cell was small, the walls unnervingly stained with dark splatters. The mattress on the bed was thin and uncomfortable, the bed springs crooked and creaky. Two creatures stood chained to the wall, in case he tried to escape. Though why chain the creatures to the wall _opposite_ the door, he did not know.

He almost did not notice the metal door clanging open, Spam bringing him his usual filet mignon with the side of truffled mushroom ragoût. Being oblivious about humans and seeing how rarely they ate gourmet food, Spam had always been under the impression that gourmet foods were considered unpleasant among the human race. Marcoh had not bothered to correct him.

"You're lucky we're right underneath the cafeteria," Spam commented. He often disguised himself as an elderly woman to get the senior discount at the Central Headquarters cafeteria even though there was no senior discount. He just liked doing it.

"What do you have planned for me?" asked Marcoh. "When do I get my new lab- I mean, when will you tell me what's going on?"

"Something fun, you'll see."

"You're planning some sort of horrendous act, aren't you? Don't think I haven't noticed the giant transmutation circle forming within this country! The north is next!"

Spam smirked. "You catch on fast. So what are you gonna do about it?"

"I refuse to be part of it!"

"Have you already forgotten? 'Small Town, Big Dreams'?"

Marcoh shuddered. "You can't play with human lives!"

"Oh please. Tell that to the producers at TLC."

It was then that the door to the cell creaked open again.

"Bradley, what are you doing here?" asked Spam.

"It seems our mortal friends have captured our dim-witted brother, Spam. Father and I need you to go retrieve him."

"Why can't you do it?"

"I have a job, unlike you."

"Why you-!"

"If you do not follow orders, Father will cancel your Vogue subscription again."

"No wait don't do that I'll go."

* * *

"We're not terrible people, right?" asked Liza as they neared the main road.

"No, they'll be fine," responded Roy.

"So what do we do about the Führer being a Homunculus?" asked Dr. Knox.

"What? The Führer's a Homunculus?" Liza became shaken. What was becoming of the world?

"Typical woman," said Roy, "you weren't even listening to our discussion."

"You sent me outside, sir!"

"Oh sure, blame your necessary lack of presence."

Liza regretted throwing her handgun out the window earlier.

"Anyway," said Dr. Knox, not wanting to aggravate Roy in his prenatal state, "so the whole Ishbal thing might have been caused by the Homunculi?"

"Looks like it," said Roy.

"Those monsters are horrifying," said Liza, still trying to comprehend what happened as she put a moist towelette on Lan Fan's forehead.

"Imagine how many more might be out there, pretending to be human," Roy thought aloud.

"It truly is a disturbing concept," said Dr. Knox. "Lucky that that creature is out in those woods and not in a civilian location," continued Dr. Knox. "How did you come by that shack anyway, Mustang?"

"Didn't you use to go there on weekends when we were in high school?" asked Liza.

Roy hesitated. "Er… Yes. I, uh… I used to use it as… a secret meeting place. Yeah. For banging hot chicks."

"Oh, I see," said Dr. Knox. Liza just rolled her eyes and looked out the window.

Little did they know that Roy, in fact, did _not_ use that shack for meeting girls in high school, but to study mathematics in secret.

Nobody could know.

* * *

"Now what?"

Ling, Ed, and Al hid behind some bushes, watching as Fat-Ass tore apart the forest in a rage fueled by protein shakes and looking like some demented Venus Flytrap with tiny stubby legs.

"We should feed it that rat-looking thing you have in your armor, Al."

"Oh, this thing?" Al pulled out Yippy, who was whimpering uselessly again.

"That will not work," said Ling. "He has already eaten half the forest, it is certainly not an issue of food."

"Oh well clearly he's a contractor clearing out the forest for a new _mall_."

"I do not appreciate the sarcasm, Edward."

"Let's just leave it here," said Al. He didn't much feel like losing his second body, however clunky and inconvenient it was.

"Stop it, Fat-Ass!"

The voice made them jump; they all turned to see a large black dog.

"Did that dog just talk?" asked Ling. "Remarkable! The dogs in my country can only make these odd barking sounds."

"Ling, shut up."

The dog looked at his direction and its face made a twisted smile before it spoke again. "You… from before…!"

The dog turned into Spam.

"Whoa it's that hot chick from Laboratory 5," said Ed. "What are you doing here?"

Spam turned red with rage. "Long time no see, Alchmetal Fullchemist."

"What?"

"Dammit! _Fullmetal Alchemist!_ I practiced it in my head like twenty times on the way here and then I go and ruin it- ah, forget it. Die!"

Spam lunged at him; Ed counterattacked with a spear he transmuted out of a log.

Spam flipped in midair and landed next to Fat-Ass, the ground cracking beneath his feet.

"Sandwich…" he was moaning. "Where… sandwich… turkey… want…"

"Oh, cut it out." Spam had meant to give him a protein bar but he ate it instead. He was pretty sure it had gone straight to his thighs, and it made him sad.

"Come to challenge me to battle again, monster?" smirked Ling haughtily.

"Huh? Oh, actually, no. I need to get my fat brother home-"

"HUNGRY."

"Fine, eat the Xingese guy."

"What?"

"GURRRRGHGGHHH!" Fat-Ass raged towards Ling.

Ed clapped his hands and slammed them on the ground; he transmuted a wall separating Fat-Ass, himself, and Al from Spam and Ling.

Ling attacked Spam with everything he had, and Spam was actually impressed.

"Damn, no wonder Spoiler could barely handle you!"

"Why, thank you!" Compliments really did mean a lot to Ling.

Ling then slashed at his abdomen with his sword, but then Spam elongated his arm, wrapping it around Ling and turning his hand into a snake's head. It bit Ling's neck.

"Ah, the old venomous snakebite," said Ling nostalgically. "I've had a total of twenty-eight attempted venomous snake assassinations attempted on me by the time I turned four. You will find that I am immune now." Consequently, he had several pet cobras and gaboons waiting for him at home.

He then kicked dirt into Spam's face and cut his arm off; the snake degenerated.

"ARRRGGHHH!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, Ed transmuted a large well to form around Fat-Ass.

"There, that should keep him-"

Fat-Ass got out by extending his ribs like so many weird stilts.

"… urgh."

Ed aimed a kick at him but Fat-Ass swatted him away as if he were some giant blonde fly; Al punched him but he bounced away unhurt.

"URGH JUST DIE ALREADY!" Ed shoved Fat-Ass on Ling's side of the battle.

"Hey stay on your side!" shouted Spam.

Ling took advantage of Spam's momentary distraction and chopped his leg off.

"DAMMIT!" Spam stepped back for a moment to allow the amputated limb to heal. "Enough of this!"

As Ling almost delivered another swipe at him, Spam transmuted into the female he thought Ling would never harm…

Indeed, Ling's arms stopped mid-stab and his eyes widened.

"Ha! I found your weak spot!"

"Oh god, not you again!" Ling ran away from Spam.

Winry frowned and scratched her head. "Huh. Maybe I was mistaken about which woman he liked?"

And she was actually a little hurt.

"Hey don't you leave this to us!" Ed ran towards Ling.

"Niisan, no!"

With a great sucking motion, not unlike Garfiel sucking sensually on a nectarine every time he shared company with Edward, Fat-Ass inhaled. A beat of silence preceded the loudest blast of all, eliminating all before its wake; trees, earth, Ling, Ed, and Winry!Spam's torso, which was really gross.

Blasted back by the destructive force, Al had not even noticed. He found himself knocked down and winded for a moment.

"Ah dammit… My arm's gone!" Indeed, his arm had a circular slice at where it disappeared below the elbow.

He got up and looked around; he could see Fat-Ass a few yards away, seeming to have finally calmed down as his ribs receded and his face slowly went back to normal.

"Ed? Ling?" He turned on the spot but no sign of them could be seen. "Urgh, I bet they just wandered off somewhere, like always."

* * *

Meanwhile, Lan Fan made it back to the Knox residence with the doctor. He was explaining to her why he was recently fired from the morgue.

"… I mean it _was_ a body, it just wasn't a _dead_ body, you know?"

Lan Fan shifted uncomfortably on her makeshift bed of an old sofa and some moth-eaten pillows and sheets. The state of Dr. Knox's house was deplorable; every surface area on top of furniture was covered in yellowed papers and discarded rags, while the floor was littered with old clothes and newspapers. The wall paint was chipped, and there were even cobwebs on the ceiling lamps. She questioned whether the IV she was attached to wasn't just full of Gatorade.

"How much longer must I stay here to recover?" she asked.

"I don't know, actually. How long does limb regrowth normally take?"

Lan Fan frowned. "Where did you go to medical school again?"

"Central University."

"That is quite acceptable, I suppose."

"Yeah. Although they accepted me during a time of economic recession, so the only person available to teach was the janitor."

* * *

"Sir… This seems like a very dangerous, even stupid plan," said Lieutenant Hawkeye uncertainly as she watched her still-injured Colonel exit the car.

"Why? What's wrong with it?"

"Let's go over this again. We now have confirmed knowledge that someone higher up in the military, and possibly several lower officers, are involved in some large conspiracy involving human sacrifices, genetic experiments, the Internet, and Homunculi. Your plan is to walk right into Central Headquarters, the _base_ of the military and possibly of the evil operation, and just start asking random people in there about it?"

"Yes, Lieutenant Chickenwing, that's the plan."

"I think you'll jeopardize all of our secret work, sir. The Elric brothers and Xingese warriors included."

"If you have a better idea, I'd love to hear it."

"I have several, actually. Why don't we head back to somewhere we won't be heard and-"

"I don't have time to listen to a woman all night. Just wait here for me."

"What? For how long?"

"Until I get back."

"But sir, what if-"

"In fact, hold my ignition gloves."

"What? Sir, what if you need-"

"Don't be ridiculous, Lieutenant, no one will attack me in the middle of a military headquarters."

"But- we just talked about- I- oh, forget it."

* * *

When Roy walked into the building, the first person he saw was Lieutenant General Raven.

"Colonel Mustang!" he said jovially. "I thought you were still in the hospital?"

"Me? Nah! Strong as an ox!" As he said this, two stitches popped out and he bled a bit.

"At any rate, I'm glad to see you're doing better."

"Thanks… Are you still working at this hour, Lieutenant General?"

"I wasn't supposed to, but I was called in for an emergency meeting. Something about some teenagers playing a prank. Apparently they switched some farm animals with some zoo animals and… long story short the farmers are dead."

"Oh I see. That is unfortunate."

"Quite. And what are you doing here at this hour?"

"Oh you know, getting used to Central… you wouldn't believe the look on my face when I saw that Build-A-Chimera workshop."

"Ah yes my children love that one."

"By the way, is the Führer a Homunculus?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You know, a Homunculus. Scary artificial human monster thing."

""I, um… don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you do, surely even non-alchemists know what-"

"You know what? Why don't you come with me."

"To that meeting?"

"Yes."

"But I'm not a high enough rank-"

"You're promoted."

"What?!" Roy's ego inflated with such force that three more stitches snapped open. "I am honored, sir. Truly."

"Yeah yeah shut up and come here." He led him to a pair of large doors in the central hallway.

They entered a room full of elite military men, all looking seriously at the two men entering through the door.

"Guys," said Raven, "we have to kill Mustang."

"Whoa what?"

"We can't kill him," said a stern-faced officer on the left, "He's a sacrifice."

"Yes, but he's figured out our secret."

"Impossible, no one knows about our Justin Bieber cyborg-"

"_Shhhhh_ not that secret! The other one!"

"About the turtle not being a real animal?"

"Shut up, shut up!" Raven sweated a bit. "He knows the Führer's a Homunculus!"

"Oh, dear dear."

"That is quite a problem."

A cold silence draped over the room. They all looked at Roy, who probably should have left while they were talking but could not resist learning these state secrets. Then, heavy footsteps echoed down the corridor, and everyone turned to look at the doorway.

"What's wrong, Colonel Mustang?" the casual question sent chills down his spine as Führer King Bradley slowly and dramatically walked into the room. "Please, continue. What about me being a Homunculus?"

Roy looked around at all the grave, joyless faces staring at him, and the comprehension dawned on him like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach.

_Ah, I see, Maes_… thought Roy, _the military danger you talked about wasn't something that threatened the military… it's the danger within it…!_

Roy frowned and tilted his head as he suddenly recalled something.

_That explains that message he wrote in his blood on the sidewalk_…

"_My dearest friend Roy_, _I am writing this upon the last hour of my life. I was murdered after finding out that the country of Amestris is a massive transmutation circle. I implore you to discretely investigate the military and find out which of its members are behind this heinous conspiracy. Please please don't put it off, okay?"_

_Oh Maes, why couldn't you have been more clear?_

* * *

Edward awoke to the sound of an invasive nothingness.

"Urgh…" he gingerly got to his feet. His body was sore and achy, as though he had fallen down a flight of stairs. He looked around at the darkness, the area where he stood lit eerily with a few small fires. "Wha… where am I?"

Any direction he looked, even above him, showed only more infinite dark void. "Hey! HEY! Hello? Al?!"

He frantically turned on the spot. All around him, seemingly part-way sunk into the ground, were skeletons and pieces of buildings from long-forgotten civilizations. Ed also recognized the piece of shack and the fake sandwich Fat-Ass had swallowed earlier, and surmised that the flames had come from Mustang.

Ed then noticed the peculiar thing about the ground. He appeared to be standing shin-deep in a dark liquid which stretched out as far as his eyes could see. He cupped some of it in his hand, brought it to his face, and smelled. Realizing what it was with a horrible, sickening feeling, he threw back his head and cried out-

"SLIIIIIIIIIIIIM-FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAST!"

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Fuery's car was struck by lightning that night. Twice. Then a pack of wolves urinated all over it, claiming it as their own. It was struck by lightning a third time as well, but not before a moose humped it angrily. And finally, a tire rolled off it.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

Lieutenant Chickenwing.

* * *

**Author's Note: **To the people who have stuck with this fic for a while… Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I don't know where you find the patience. This thing is so long.

…

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

*runs away grossly sobbing in shame*


	35. Lost

**Author's Note:** Little known fact, but this fic was meant to be a serious drama about the devastations of alcoholism and bodily disassociation, but people kept mistaking it for a parody so I went with it.

* * *

**Chapter 29: Lost**

"Hello? Is anyone here?" Ed slogged through the deep Slim-Fast, all sorts of strange thoughts racing though his mind about the surreal world he had woken up to. Where was he? Was he still somewhere near the forest? Was he dreaming? Was he dead?

He cupped his hands around his mouth to increase the volume of his voice. "Ling? Hello? HELLO? AL? LING?...Fat-Ass?" His voice did not even echo in the wide, empty space. "Urgh, I wouldn't even mind Winry's company right now." At least Winry's hair glowed in the dark. It was one of those weird genetic things.

He turned around again and saw it. A flicker of light slowly floating closer.

"OH GOD I KNEW IT," shouted Ed. "I'M DEAD!" He turned and ran in the opposite direction. "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!"

"Hey! Where are you going, Edward?"

"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED A BANK ACCOUNT YET!"

"It's me!" Ling came sloshing through the liquid into view. "Why are you running away?"

"Oh," said Ed, feelings of relief and stupidity simultaneously washing over him. 'I thought you were the Angel of Death."

"Not since I lost my wings, no."

"What?"

"What?"

"Uh... never mind."

"Wait a moment…" Ling narrowed his eyes as a thought occurred to him. "How do I know you are not Spam in disguise?"

"Good point… Ask me something only the real Ed would know."

"Alright then. What's twelve times seven?"

"Eighty-four."

"…"

"…"

"Oh! I mean, because seven ate nine."

"Yes it is you. What is this odd place?"

"I don't know. It just looks like darkness all around." Ed took the torch Ling was holding. "Lucky you have this torch, eh?"

"And lucky I found this corpse arm that I used as a torch"

"Ew." Ed gingerly handed it back to him.

"This reminds me of my father's palace," continued Ling. "It is so vast it takes days to cross and reach the other side. Perhaps we are in a similar palace?"

"We're not in a palace, idiot."

"Then where are we?"

"We must be in Fat-Ass's stomach," said Ed as he looked around them. "The Colonel's flames, the side of the shack, the forest trees, the piece of Fuery's car… He ate all of those and they're here."

"Wow..." said Ling, eyes wide in wonder and looking around as well. "Amazing. To think that this is what we all look like on the inside…"

Ed chose not to address this comment.

He distracted himself by looking to the side and then spotted something. "Hey what's that?" He walked over to a large broken piece of concrete slab and picked up Al's arm. "Oh won't he be mad about this. This is his writing arm." Indeed, Al would no longer be able to write in his little journal of "Things I Want To Do When I Get My Body Back" (among them were: "bake apple pie," "try Gracia's quiche," "get my face licked by a dog," and "pee"). Surely Al would become plunged into a depression if he could not write.

"Ah, he's already depressed." Ed shrugged and tossed the arm over his shoulder.

* * *

Ed and Ling walked for what seemed like hours, hunger and fatigue setting in.

"It's so eerie in here," said Ed.

"It certainly is. This is nothing like night… there are no stars, no sounds of life…"

"And there are all these pieces of things from different eras just scattered everywhere. Check out that stone pillar. And that train car."

"And that iPod."

"I bet the colonel would crap out his spinal column if he saw this place."

"Oh, my cousin has IFSS, too."

"IFSS?"

"Irritated Feng Shui Syndrome."

"Huh. So that's what that is."

They walked on, lost in thought for a bit. Still, they might as well have been walking around in circles. Or through one of those old-timey cartoon backgrounds that just repeat in a loop. That one's funnier, imagine that one.

"Is there no exit?" asked Ling.

This gave Ed an idea. "Hey! If they're no exits, then make one!' That's my motto!" As a small child, this was exactly how he escaped P.E. every day. "Let's see… Slim-Fast is made of maltodextrin, xanthan gum, milk protein concentrate, soybean lecithin, and other solids…"

He clapped his hands and created a solid well made entirely out of sugar-free chocolate. They both peered inside; it was nothing but black emptiness.

"If you throw a coin down there and make a wish, will it come true?" asked Ling thoughtfully.

"Don't be stupid. I don't have any coins."

"Oh."

"Let's throw the torch down there and see how long it takes to reach the other side."

"Good idea."

They threw the torch down the well and… nothing. It disappeared.

"You _made_ the hole, how on earth is it not-"

Ed made an unintelligible noise.

Panic started to set in for the two teenagers.

"A WALL A WALL LET'S FIND A WALL!"

"YES! IF WE KEEP GOING STRAIGHT WE'RE BOUND TO HIT A WALL!"

And they both dashed in a random direction.

* * *

_BANG_

A few more hours had past. Ed had come up with a new tactic; he shot Liza's handgun in four different directions, Ling listening anxiously. No sound of any bullet hitting anything reached their ears.

Ling sighed; he had hoped that the gun would have at least hit a deer or something. He was starved.

"Why the hell would there be deer in here?"

"How did you know what I was thinking?!"

"I didn't, it was just a guess."

"… That… that was very specific."

"Let's keep moving."

"Yes, I suppose we must."

"And I'm not carrying you anymore."

Ed dropped him with a loud _SPLASH_.

"But I stubbed my toe."

"I said no."

They trudged on, the endless darkness ahead starting to reflect their dwindling morale.

"… Oh Edward, I fear if I do not eat soon, I will pass out," whined Ling twenty minutes later.

"Come on, don't tell me you're that delicate."

"I happen to have a very fragile metabolism, Edward. I once attempted a ritualistic fasting in my home village and… well, I went on a rampage and decimated the nearby Chang village."

"You wanna drink the Slim-Fast then?" suggested Ed.

"I'd rather we eat your shoe."

They stopped and looked at each other.

* * *

"I can't believe we resorted to eating my shoe" said Ed, mouthful of leather. "We've only been here like three hours."

"In my clan, that is considered a reasonable amount of time before resorting to cannibalism."

Ed stared, chewing more slowly.

"Hey, do you hear someone coming?"

"Huh? There's someone else here?"

Indeed, they could both here someone wading through the liquid. They turned to see Spam emerging from the darkness into their firelight.

"I thought I smelled burning leather," said Spam. He knew the scent well, after all. Don't ask why.

"Hey it's that chick we were fighting-"

"I AM NOT A CHICK-!"

"Sorry- it's that _woman_ we were fighting-"

"Oh to hell with it." Spam sat on a nearby broken section of marble wall, hungry and tired from walking all these hours. He himself had to choose between going hungry or going naked. His endurance was, fortunately, stronger than that of Ed's or Ling's.

"What are you doing here?" asked Ling. "Did the fat Homunculus eat you as well?"

"Golly no, I just felt like taking a stroll through the fifth dimension on a lovely day like this. What the hell do you think I'm doing here?"

"I take it you don't know how to get out either," said Ed.

"It's not that I don't know," replied Spam. "It's that there _is_ no way out."

The two boys stared, unable to comprehend such an impossible fact.

"That's ridiculous," said Ed. "If we got in then surely there's a way out?" Ling cringed at the thought of what the exit might look like, considering their entrance.

"Nope," said Spam. "We're stuck here until we die."

"How?! What's with this place?"

"Didn't you realize when you got sucked in here, Fullmetal? You've been here before. Sort of."

Ed's eyes widened as he remembered the sensation. "The… the Doors of Truth! But this place isn't like that at all!"

"Yeah well Father created this place as a side project a while ago," said Spam. "He tried to make an extra storage area for his collection of antique cuckoo clocks, but it kind of went weird and turned into a nonexistent reality outside of time and space, and so he stopped trying to make nice things."

"Could he not simply clear out a garage?" asked Ling, perplexed.

"Wait who the hell is this 'Father'?" demanded Ed. "Is it King Bradley?"

"No way! Father created him also, he's a total brat."

"Wait a second… If this 'Father' created Bradley who is tied to the 5th Laboratory and the Internet… Does Ishbal have something to do with your evil plot also!?"

Spam lit up. "Oooh that was my favorite! Do you remember? What triggered the war? Do you?"

Ed frowned. "If I recall correctly… it was because the Ishbalan ambassador shaved the Fuhrer's moustache in his sleep."

"WRONG!" Spam looked mad with glee. "_It was me!"_

Ed stared, horrified.

"That's right!" Spam cackled. "I shaved my younger brother's moustache! And then I blamed it on the Ishbalans!"

"You… you _monster._"

Spam only laughed.

Ed could not take any more of this. He lunged at Spam and punched him in the face, but it felt like punching a brick wall. Spam did not even flinch, and his expression went from laughter to venom.

"You wanna go, brat?"

"Bring it!"

"You'll be sorry, Fullmetal." Something odd started happening to Spam's skin. It cackled and broke away in neat little pieces like it normally did whenever he transformed, but somehow this was different. His muscles bulged awkwardly and his jaws unhinged, as though something enormous and misshapen were only wearing Spam as its skin.

"Edward, stay away from him!" shouted Ling. "Remember the forest floor when we were fighting him earlier?"

Ed stepped away, bewildered.

"No, what about it?"

"He sank into it! The same thing happened to the concrete when I fought him in Central!"

"Wait… no way… Is he that dense?"

"Yes he is dense but also he is a large being compacted into a tiny body!"

"That's what I meant, idiot!"

"Oh."

"So his true form…"

"… must be huge…"

Ed and Ling had to gradually crane their necks all the way up for them to fully take in Spam's true form.

"Oh," said Ed, "my god."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I know it was shorter than the usual chapter, but I hope you were amused nonetheless. New chapter in the works.

Also, if you are an avid fan of Attack on Titan and Free!, then I suggest checking out my latest crossover fic titled "Shingeki no Puru" ^3^


	36. Monsters

**Author's Note:** I too suffer from Irritated Feng Shui Syndrome.

* * *

**Chapter 30: Monsters**

Al wandered around the woods, searching for his elder brother and the Xingese Prince. At the back of his mind, Al sincerely hoped Ed was not out harassing wildlife again.

He could still remember a few months ago how furious that park ranger had been when Ed transmuted all the snakes in the southern wooded area of Dublith to look like candy canes. It hadn't even been Christmas season yet.

"Where did Niisan and Ling go?" he thought out loud. "And why are you following me?"

For Fat-Ass decided to follow Al around.

"I'm still hungry," said Fat-Ass.

"I don't care."

"Fine, I'll going home then. Father keeps a vending machine in my room."

"You have a vending machine in your room?"

"Yes. That way I don't have to go up the stairs when I want a snack."

"I don't think you're dieting right."

Fat-Ass shrugged and walked away, leaving Al to suddenly recall the time Ed turned_ him_ into a vending machine during one of their stays at Central Inn. To this day Al did not know how Edward managed to transmute snacks inside him, or where that coin had gone.

"Oh I might as well follow you," said Al. "I'm tired of birds treating me as a statue and Niisan isn't here to scrape my back."

* * *

Roy Mustang sat hunched in King Bradley's office, staring at the floor, the sense of despair still dragging him downwards.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Bradley.

"…"

"It's not poisoned, you know. No need to be rude."

"How could this be," breathed Roy. "When did the Homunculi take over the entire country?"

Bradley allowed himself a small smirk. "You know so little, Colonel. We've been here since this country's birth." Bradley took a sip of the tea, and then coughed and spit it out; he forgot that he did poison it. He dumped it in a nearby plant while Roy was still distracted by his thoughts.

"You had us all fooled into thinking you were actually human," continued Roy. "Do you even need to eat? How much food have you been wasting?"

"That is beside the point."

"Were you even sad at Maes Hughes's funeral?"

"Everyone was sad that day. The failure of that rocket launch has considerably lowered the morale of our soldiers and put a serious dent in our space department's funding."

Roy looked up. "We have a space department?" Then he frowned and shook the thought from his head. "But you have a son, too, don't you? Does he even know?"

"About the space department?"

"_No_, about you being a Homunculus!"

"I will not be blackmailed, if that is what you are attempting to do. I advise you to worry about yourself, Colonel Mustang."

"What are you talking about?"

"As we speak, I am reassigning your loyal subordinates. We will be using them against you to keep you in line."

Roy's fists clenched over the fabric covering his knees, his face turning into an uncharacteristically ugly expression. "They don't like being used." It was a fact that never quite sunk in with Roy himself, actually. Just last week he used them as speed bumps.

"This isn't over," continued Roy.

* * *

"First Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

"Huh? Sergeant Fuery?"

It was already morning. Having not been dismissed by the Colonel, Liza stood outside the entire night. _Curse my overwhelming sense of duty,_ she had thought to herself, her legs aching terribly.

"Lieutenant," Fuery showed her a manila envelope that had been opened. "This morning people from the Personnel Affairs Department came to see me. They said I've been relocated to Southern Headquarters!"

"_What?_"

"And it's not just me, they've relocated the others too!"

"Why the sudden-"

"First Lieutenant Liza Hawkeye!" some men in uniform came down the steps towards her. "You are hereby promoted to the position of the Fuhrer's personal assistant." He handed her the manila envelope he was carrying. "Congratulations," he added emotionlessly.

"What?" she took it in both hands, frowning. "What happened to Philip?"

The Personnel Affairs officer lifted a paper from his clipboard to read something underneath it. "The official report states that he is incapable of his duties due to needing mouth surgery after a golfing incident."

"Oh dear."

"Starting tomorrow, you are to report to King Bradley's office at Central Headquarters. And bring a maid uniform."

As a side note, Philip never really pulled off the maid uniform.

* * *

"Yippy! Yippy, where are you?"

Candy led the odd trio all around town in the search for her beloved pet. She had set up traps at different points in hopes of catching the adventurous dog, but so far they remained forlornly empty.

It might have been because her idea of a small dog trap consisted of leaving a designer handbag open.

"Oh dear, will I ever see her again?"

"Why don't you just get a new one?" said Yoki.

"She's not like my breasts, Yoki, I can't just replace her."

Candy turned to Zit. "Oh Zit, thank you so much for helping me look for my dog."

"I'm Scar now," said Scar. "The zit on my forehead popped a while ago and left a disfiguring scar on my forehead."

"Oh my."

"I like 'Scar.' It's really dramatic," said Yoki. "Can I be 'Snake'?"

"No."

They were into their search for a few hours when Scar spotted an odd pair; Fat-Ass and Al walking through the trashed alleyway of a seemingly abandoned building complex.

"That fat one… they called him a 'Homunculus'."

"Homunculus?"

"And that's the Fullmetal Alchemist's brother. Why are they together?"

"The Fullmetal Alchemist?" her face lit up. "He's the one researching the Internet, isn't he? Maybe he can help me find ways to be younger!"

They watched Al and Fat-Ass disappear through a mysterious set of barred doors that led into the sewers.

"Right," said Scar. "Let's follow them."

"I'm not going in there," protested Yoki. "It's unhygienic."

"You haven't bathed in three days, what do you care?"

"Oh if you must know, I've had a terrible childhood experience that gave me a crippling fear of the sewer."

"What happened?"

"One day, when I was eight years old, my elder brother thought it would be funny to trick me into going into a sewer. It turned out to be one of the worst days of my childhood."

"Why?"

"It was the day my parents divorced."

"But… you… never mind."

* * *

Yippy shivered inside Al's belly. She could sense the malevolent creatures hiding amongst the pipes above them.

"Why is the ceiling drooling?" Al looked up, but it was too dark to see what was lurking there.

"Those are the pets," replied Fat-Ass. "Father's a hoarder."

"… Huh. Um, so is this where you and this 'Father' live?"

"Yes."

"Under the city like this?"

"Uh-huh."

Al meant to write all this down but then remembered that his writing arm was gone. How was anyone supposed to believe him now?

* * *

"_Don't… don't look at me..._"

Edward Elric stared at the enormous, revolting creature before him. Despite all he had seen until now, despite its very presence before him, he almost could not bring himself to believe what he was seeing. "What has science done?" he breathed.

"I know," said Ling, his voice barely above a whisper, so powerful did the sight before them strike him.

"It's so…"

"… so…"

They both said it at once.

"… _Fluffy._"

The enormous, grey cat looked at them with lamp-like green eyes, swishing its poofy tail and flicking its large, fuzzy ears. It was massive enough to sit atop of Central Headquarters and shed all over it.

"_Mrrrow_," it said. The cat then sat down, licking its paw and cleaning its ears.

"Oh my god it's so precious," Ling held his hands up to his face in sheer giddiness. "I just want to pet it, Edward!"

Ed looked revolted. "Urgh, you're just like Al." Ed was grateful Al wasn't there to attempt stuffing the impossibly huge animal inside his stomach cavity. "I mean, you've gotta be kidding me. _That's_ Spam's big scary true form?"

Suddenly, the cat stood up, back arched and hackles raised. It pulled back its ears and hissed. Ed realized his error in underestimating his enemy; if normal-sized cats could scratch and bite (knowledge he had experienced first-hand, thanks to his brother), then surely Spam's cat form would have katana-like claws and fangs.

"Ling – brace yourself!"

The cat swung its colossal tail at the boys; Ed flew into a piece of wall, causing it to crack. Ling landed on top of a tall pile of single socks, forever lost from many a dryer.

"Ow, I think that fluffy bastard broke some of my ribs," whined Ling.

"I told you, you can't trust cats!"

The cat hissed again. "_Bring it… brats…_" Its fur-covered skin started to ripple and undulate, as though there where hundreds of smaller beings moving underneath…

Ed transmuted swords out of some metal pipes he had found sticking out of another broken wall. He threw one at Ling, who caught it by the hilt.

Ling then lunged at the cat, stabbing a paw.

"Got you! Huh?!" Three smaller paws emerged from the bubbling skin and scratched him. "Ow!"

The cat swiped at Ling again and sent him flying once more. Ed used this opportunity to attack him from the side, but was met with another bizarre sight. A cat's head emerged from the mass of fur, its eyes wide with sadness.

"_I can has cheezeburger?_"

"Wha-?"

As though that were not horrific enough, its jaws stretched wide open and another cat head emerged from within its mouth. This one had a stern set of eyes and a downturned mouth.

"_No_."

Ling came from above, stabbing the strange head.

"What are you doing?!" he landed next to Ed. "Don't just stand there!"

"There was a cat-"

"No there wasn't-"

"I saw it-"

"Snap out of it, Edward! It was a monster! They are all monsters!"

"_He just wanted a cheeseburger, Ling!_"

All over the cat's body, animal heads and limbs were popping in and out of existence, squirming sickeningly like a corpse infested with maggots. In the echoless space of Fat-Asses stomach, their voices boomed loud and clear.

"_These aren't my glasses_."

"_404 Not Found._"

"_Oh, you._"

"_MAH BUKKIT."_

"_Ermahgerd_."

More paws reached out to them from the cat's body. Ed stood shocked, staring as Ling swiped at them with his sword.

"_Wow, such stab, so effort_."

"Shut up!"

One of the cat's huge paws picked Ed up and slammed him back-first onto one of the larger concrete islands, breaking his left arm. In the bewildered aftermath of the attack, Ed could make out a mysterious carving on another stone wedge to his right. "… huh? Is that…?"

The cat hovered above him and opened its mouth. Its tongue, too, was made of animals materializing in and out of existence, all talking in annoyingly broken English.

"_stoopid hooman eated all mah fud."_

_"Y u no pet me."_

_"YOLO."_

Twenty or thirty paws lifted Ed up into its mouth.

"Ed!" shouted Ling. "Wake up! It's eating you!" He tried to run, but his broken ribs sent him to his knees.

Once Ed was completely inside its mouth, the cat bit down.

"EDWARD!"

His body was enveloped by the moving animal parts within seconds, a haunting keyboard sound resonating throughout the inside of the cat's mouth. In the sea of fur, paws, ears, and wet noses, right before he slipped from consciousness, Ed saw it; the Android.

"Wha… oh right… the Homunculus's core…" it was about a foot away from his right arm, its screen glowing blue in an almost calming way. "All these years searching… it's so close but I can't reach it…"

The memory of the Xerxes ruins came flooding into his mind and his eyes flew open with an epiphany.

"SPAM! LET ME OUT!" He kicked out a tooth, and the cat meowed angrily in pain. "We might be able to get out of here!"

* * *

While walking through the sewer, Al thought he heard something aside from the menacing growls and hisses above them.

"Is that muffled screaming coming from your stomach, Fat-Ass?"

"Yes, it happens sometimes. It's because I'm hungry."

"Stomachs normally growl when someone is hungry, not scream."

"Mine screams."

"But I thought I heard distinct voices, too."

"All normal."

* * *

"HI-YA!" Not far behind Al and Fat-Ass, Candy fought valiantly against the mutated creatures that attacked her and Scar using the alkahestry and martial arts she had learned at Xingese University.

"These things are horrible!" she delivered a kick to a particularly gruesome chimera that had the body of a snake but the head of a horned jaguar. "Honestly, this is why I prefer pure-breds!"

Scar knew very little about animals, but he was fairly certain Candy knew much less. "… They're chimeras, not dogs," he said, blasting one after the other with his deadly arm. "They must be guarding something." He killed another chimera that had the head of a sharp-fanged dog and the body of a large eagle. He did not notice the collar around its neck with the bone-shaped metal tag that sported the name "Buddy." Little did Scar know that Buddy was Father's favorite. He had been a rescue.

* * *

Ling sat at Ed's side, putting together a makeshift cast out of some pieces of wood and fabric he had found.

"This should do for now. Try not to put too much strain on it."

"Oh no, but my violin concert's in an hour! Whatever will I do?"

Ling pulled especially hard on the last knot, making Ed yelp.

"Done. Anyway, do you really think we could get out of here?"

Ed looked at the broken wall with the sigil of a lion eating the sun. Or it might have been a cat coughing up a fur ball, it was too worn to truly tell, but he was willing to try anything at this point.

"Yes, I think we might have a chance. Can you help us, Spam?"

He turned to look at the giant cat, only to see it sleeping because Ling was scratching its ears.

"_Ling!_"

"Sorry! But just look at him, Ed, he's purring!"

"I'm about to throw a shoe at him if you don't wake him up."

"_Don't! _You'll make him run away!"

Ed slapped his forehead in frustration, nearly giving himself a concussion.

* * *

**Author's Note:** So how does everyone like cat!Spam? :3

In other news, I have a really sad and somewhat bare Deviantart account that I float in and out of under the name "Chibesque" (statements like these make me a terrible salesperson). I'm hoping to eventually be more involved in it as I practice my Photoshop skills… But feel free to check it out in the meantime ^_^

**PS:** I don't think anyone remembers that small golfing joke from the River of Stupid chapter at this point.


End file.
